BLURRING THE LINES
BY
AllyinthekeyofX
Chapter Five/Epilogue
NC17
I wish I could say that, like a thousand bad romance novels, Mulder and I ripped each others clothes off with an insatiable need to finally fully own each other, that seven years of enduring friendship, of care and of protection was eclipsed by a raw animalistic need for each other.
But in actuality, what we found instead was better; a hundred times better than every fantasy I have ever allowed myself to imagine with this man and over the years I think I have probably imagined every scenario, every position, every touch that could be conceivably be played out – and yes, including the one we found ourselves in. Safe and warm, cocooned against the elements, laid naked and golden in front of a glowing log fire whilst the snow fell silently and thickly outside, watching the orange light dance over his skin, casting flickering shadows that reflected back at me from his eyes; those limitless pools of intensity that pulled me towards him without us even having to utter a word.
Because this time, there were no lightly quipped declarations, no deflections and no awkward silences where one or both of us were suddenly terrified that somehow, we had overstepped our own clearly defined boundaries and were mentally scrambling to repair our defences. Instead, what we found as we slowly and languidly explored each other, was a sense of peace; a sense of belonging so strong that every doubt I had ever had simply melted away beneath my fingertips as I trailed them lightly across his warm skin, heightening my senses and allowing me a clarity of thought I hadn't ever imagined was possible with this man.
And he is beautiful, so damned beautiful that I'm not sure I can stand it. I've seen Mulder naked before – too many times tending to too many wounds both emotional and physical mean I have had occasion to see him without clothes. But to view his body through the eyes of his partner, through the eyes of a medical professional, while I could never say I had remained completely detached, I could never have prepared myself for the emotions I felt at the moment I finally allowed myself to view him through the eyes of a lover, drinking him in hungrily with my eyes, cataloguing ever curve, every blemish, every tiny imperfection as we map each other out with our touch.
We haven't spoken since we lowered ourselves to the floor, clothes discarded as the heat of the fire warmed our skin and the heat of our desire warmed our souls, touching, tasting, discovering each other, because words aren't necessary now; there is nothing we could say that could ever add to this moment.
Not to mention that I'm not actually sure I have the ability to string together anything that would even be remotely coherent because there was a moment where Mulder silently and reverently trailed kisses along my collarbone and down the curve of my breast before finally taking my nipple in to his mouth where my senses just started to freefall and the best I can manage right now is a low guttural sound in the back of my throat in as the sensation of teeth, tongue and lips teasing that tiny nub of flesh sends a flash of electricity through my body that is almost frightening in its intensity, awakening an almost forgotten need inside of me, a craving for more, so much more than he is giving me, prompting me to move my hand from where it rests on his chest and settling it between my legs, arching my back as I brush against my swollen clitoris, and Mulder follows my movement, raising himself up so as not to lose contact with me, briefly closing his hand around my arm and gently but insistently pulling my hand away leaving me with an aching need I can barely stand.
But his eyes are soft, a tiny smile playing across his face as he drops a kiss on the inside of my wrist, sliding his tongue along my finger as he tastes the evidence of my desire before drawing the digit in to his mouth, his eyes never leaving mine as he moves his hand along the soft skin of my belly, barely touching it and leaving a trail of gooseflesh in his wake as I shiver involuntarily, inclining my hips slightly to meet his hand, wanting him, needing him to finally touch me, to fully ignite a fire that has sparked between us for so long.
And as if reading my mind, he splays those long fingers of his, enveloping me fully, ensuring maximum contact before he slips one inside me even as his thumb begins to move against me, circling around my clit, teasing me, varying the pressure until I feel myself start to tremble, the slow build to eventual release; a release I have craved for so long at the hands of this man, not given lightly though because if there is one thing I have learned over the years it's that Fox Mulder gives nothing lightly – he burns with an intense passion that equals his complex emotions and I would expect nothing less from him.
And all the time he watches me, gauging my reaction to his touch, somehow knowing exactly what I need, an implicit knowledge ingenerate of a thousand looks, a thousand touches and a thousand tears that we have shed over the years; a partnership born of a connection that is both intrinsically wonderful and frighteningly unfathomable. Because he knows me – in every conceivable way he knows me, just as I know him and really, it comes as no great surprise that he can play my body with all the same skill as he can play my mind, that he knows the exact moment to cease his movements, to withdraw his hand and to lay back slightly, exposing himself to me fully, inviting me cross that final line that has stretched between us for so long.
But suddenly I am afraid, afraid of what this will mean; all my old insecurities coming crashing back to the fore as I suddenly still, feeling my throat start to close and my eyes start to burn as my vision blurs with the knowledge that as much as I want this, I am terrified of the implications for both of us. We have both lost so much but even in the midst of crippling heartache we have always been able to rely on each other, always depended on our friendship to see us through and out the other side, both afraid to upset the balance of our relationship, staying always in safe territory amidst the danger that surrounds us.
But this? This is unknown territory for both of us and even though I know we have already passed the point of no return, that to stop now is unthinkable, I can't help but feel vulnerable; terrified of what might lay ahead for us both.
But then Mulder pulls me toward him, encircling me within his embrace, his strong arms crushing me against him as he buries his face in my neck, his breath coming in short puffs as we just hold each other, skin to skin, not moving, not speaking and right then I know, without him uttering a word that deep down, he is just as afraid as I am and that thought alone is enough to chase away every doubt I ever had. Because this is right; even in the midst of such apprehension I am suddenly as certain of this as I have been about anything in my life before.
So I cup his face between my palms, holding his gaze for just a heartbeat before I scoot backwards, feeling the tip of his erection pressing in to me as he bucks his hips slightly in response to the contact and before I can change my mind, before I allow the doubts to come creeping back in, I lower myself down, feeling my inner walls contract as he gradually enters me, watching him bite his lip in an effort to allow me to stay in control, to give my body time to accept him and I think right at this moment, I love him more than I ever have before, a flood of emotion so intense that nothing else exists for me but him.
The feel of him inside me is an exquisite mix of intense arousal and burning pain as I finally tilt my pelvis and sheath him fully, joining our bodies just as we joined our souls so long ago, beginning to move, slowly at first, testing each other, finding our rhythm as our bodies begin to dance a dance that is as old as Millennia and just as unfathomable, and as I feel Mulders hands drop on to my hips as though to anchor me to him, I know that there will never be another moment in my life where I will feel quite as alive as I do right now.
I feel the pressure building within me, increasing in intensity until nothing else exists but the feel of his hands on me, his lips seeking my skin as I throw my head back, exposing my throat to him, entwining my fingers in his hair as I meet his thrusts, each movement taking me closer to the brink, unable to stifle a cry as I feel him nipping at my skin, grazing his teeth against my pulse point and that one action is enough to send me toppling over the edge as my body spasms against him, the intensity of the orgasm rendering me unable to breathe, unable to move as he tightens his hold on me, groaning softly in response to my inner walls contracting around him, and with one final thrust, he topples right over with me, emptying himself in to me and pulling me down, crushing me to him as though he is afraid to let me go lest I fly away.
But I'm not going anywhere; not now and not ever.
Because he is mine and I am his and no matter what might happen in the future, there is nothing and no one who can take this moment away from us.
For a while we just remain locked together and I feel almost boneless as he holds me against him, listening to his heartbeat as I make patterns on his skin with my fingertips, revelling in the feeling of peace; of finally belonging; of coming home. I'm not surprised though when Mulder speaks softly, seeking affirmation just as he always does, tightening his hold on me before asking me a question he has asked me so many times before when he has felt concern for me.
"Are you okay?"
And I almost laugh out loud because I don't think I have ever felt as okay as I do right now; instead though I settle for raising my head and brushing my lips against his, taking his bottom lip between my teeth and holding on to it just briefly before meeting his eyes and smiling.
"We just did science Mulder. Why would I not be okay?"
EPILOGUE
Outside the snow is still falling thickly, and what was once familiar is now blanketed by soft whiteness, once sharp lines now blurred and indistinct; and I find myself quite unable to leave my position by the window, transfixed as I am by the beauty of it – this snowy landscape against the blue black sky of night. And I watch as the snowflakes swirl and dance before finally joining the infinite number already fallen; each one as individual as they are complex as they tumble through the sky until they settle softly at their journeys end; those tiny ice crystals that somehow, against all the odds, survive their fall to fill the world, however briefly, with a beauty that is – in my eyes at least- almost unequalled.
Almost.
I sense him before I hear him, lost as I was in my thoughts I hadn't noticed when he left the warmth of the fire to pad up behind me, slipping his hands under my arms before crossing them beneath my breasts and drawing me against him. His chest is bare and I can feel the heat of him through the thin layer of satin that now covers me and I let myself relax against him, breathing in the scent of recently showered Mulder, smiling as he rests his chin on the crown of my head, watching the storm with me and as I focus again on the snow that glows beneath the sodium glare of the streetlamps, I realise that beauty is not found in sharp edges and rigidly defined boundaries, that sometimes, even though we are afraid of what lies on the other side, we sometimes have to blur the lines in order to find the courage to cross them.
End
Notes – I have never written anything with a proper chunk of NC17 and it's been a great experience. I have tried to keep them in character which is something very important to me and I hope I have succeeded. I tried to write beautiful smut because to me, they are beautiful characters. I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading. If you can leave a review that would be great because although I wrote this last chapter in one sitting tonight (By the light of a log fire to feed the muse!) it has constantly been on my mind for around a week and has had many re-writes in my head ;)
Ally xx
