CHAPTER SEVEN / JESS
"So you and Rory, huh?" Uncle Luke says as he bends down to lift Rory's suitcase out. he places it down and straightens up, stretching his back. i worry about him pushing himself too hard. he's not getting any younger and i've often thought what it'll take for him to cut back on the hours he spends in that diner of his..hopefully not some serious injury. i don't dare voice any of these concerns to him though. there's no telling Luke how to run his business or how to take care of himself — that much i do know. at least, he's got Lorelei to fuss over him now.
"what about me and Rory?" i reply, swinging my duffel bag over my shoulder. Luke rolls his eyes when he sees the thing. "you've still got that? you've had that bag since you were 17." "16." i correct with a smirk, picking up Rory's backpack and leaning back so Luke can slam the boot shut. "it's practically covered in holes, Jess." i tap the bag. "hence the patches." he only huffs in response as we walk towards the house. "is this good?" he asks, pausing before the steps. i'm already up them so i turn around, happy to for once have some height on my Uncle.
"is what good?" "you and her?" he points. "i mean, after all these years..you really think there's still something there?" "let me ask you something, did you ever feel like whatever you and Lorelei had went away? during that time you spent apart? during the fights you had and the breaks in your relationship when you'd just make up a week later because her mother came to the diner and told you she picked you or whatever crap she said?" Luke looks around us, made uncomfortable by me turning the conversation back on him. "no." "exactly." i reply, turning back towards the door and reaching for the handle, trying to juggle all the bags.
Luke lifts the suitcase up the steps and then puts a hand on my shoulder, causing me to pause. i'm leaning against the door, keeping it open now as i look back to him. "Jess, i just don't want to see ei—" "Rory get hurt? i know, Luke, look i'm not going to do anything to stuff it up this time around." "either of you." he finishes. "i don't want to see either of you get hurt. i care about you both." he slaps my shoulder and then squeezes past the doorway. i stand still for a second longer, watching Luke's retreating back as he disappears into the kitchen, letting what he said sink in.
i feel myself being yanked back to the past again — being 17 and having Luke tell me that Rory and i weren't to be on either end of his apartment and were to instead remain in the middle portion, never on the same seats - her being on the chair, me on the couch, or vice versa, and me saying "you realise you're supposed to be my guardian not hers." back then i thought Luke would put Rory before me in a heartbeat, but now, i realise he always did things with me in his mind too. even though Mum sprang me on him, he always had my best interest at heart and has continued to be this way ever since. i catch up to everybody, who are standing around in Rory's room.
Luke places her suitcase on her desk for her and she unzips it, eager to unpack her things. Lorelei helps her carry piles to the laundry and i stand aside, keeping out of the way. "Luke, could you fetch the spare mattress from the cupboard in the hall, honey?" "Way ahead of you." he replies, walking away. Rory looks embarrassed. "Mum, c'mon you're not seriously going to make Jess sleep on the floor, are you? we're not teenagers anymore, we're adults and we can sleep in the same bed and be responsible, geez."
i catch on to what she's referring to and jump in, dismissing the idea immediately as Lorelei makes her ready-with-a-witty-comeback face. "no, that's fine, really. you don't need to get the mattress, uncle Luke! i'm okay to just crash on the couch. since i don't really know how many nights i'll even be staying, it's cool to just.." "crash on the couch?" Lorelei supplies, a knowing look on her face. "yeah." my reply comes slow and quiet. we both know Luke's about to appear with the mattress any second and there'll be no chance of convincing him i can sleep in the living room.
"i'll go help him." "yeah, okay." Lorelei replies, as i walk away. after Rory's clothes are in the washer, Luke and i have made up the bed on the floor and Lorelei and Rory have had two cups of coffee each, and a long chat, Rory turns to me. "wanna go for a walk around town?" she suggests, smiling. i'm sitting on the floor, scrolling through Instagram on my iPhone. "yeah, sure. um..is your Mum alright with it, though?" she groans. "ugh, not you too, Jess! why does everybody suddenly revert to treating us like we're seventeen again just because we're here together?"
"it's not that, Rory. it's just i don't know how keen she'll be about letting you out of her sight. she seems pretty happy you're home and will probably want to be the one to take you around town after you've been away for so long." Rory's face softens and she comes over to sit down beside me. "that's sweet, Jess, but i want to walk around town with you." i look up from my phone, meeting her eyes and she lifts a hand to my cheek. Luke's voice makes us both very nearly jump out of our skin. "Rory, your Mum's just told me she ordered a bunch of stuff from Al's pancake world for dinner and i'm heading out now to pick it up, i was just wondering if you wanted me to grab anything while i'm out?"
The only indication that he remotely picked up on what we were about to do is the way Luke's eyes fly between Rory and i a few dozens times during his speech, even though he was only addressing her. Rory stands and shakes her head, shoving her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. "no, i'm all good. but thanks anyways, Luke." she replies, walking over to her dresser to fiddle with some jewellery that's resting on the surface. "okay, then. just thought i'd check." Luke says, glaring at me, before leaving.
i let a out a sigh and Rory laughs under her breath. "phew, that was close." she says, coming back over and brushing my hair back from my face, kneeling so she's taller than me. i look up to her and place my phone aside. "Rory, i really don't think us doing anything in this house is a good idea." she dismisses the idea almost straight away, giving no thought to the fact that her mother could walk in at any moment. "Mum's upstairs, i heard her voice travelling down to call bye to Luke just now and…" she waits and sure enough, we hear the front door shut. "Luke's gone to get food." she finishes, kissing me square on the mouth.
i bring my arms around her as she rests a hand on the back of my neck, tilting my head back and kissing me harder. "Jess," Rory whispers as she rests her forehead against mine, looking down. "Mum's going to come downstairs any minute.." i kiss her one last time and then release her. "you're right..we can't." "later, okay?" she promises, kissing the tip of my nose and standing up.
after dinner, Rory announces that she's going to take me for a walk around town since it's been so long since we've both been back. Lorelei doesn't say anything but uncle Luke smiles, nodding. "that sounds like a good idea. have fun, you two." Rory laughs awkwardly and goes to her room to get her shoes.
when we reach the end of her driveway, she takes my hand in hers and swings our arms, smiling at the darkening sky. "the moon's full tonight." she tells me as i peer over my shoulder at where uncle Luke stands against the railing of the decking with Lorelei resting her head on his chest, her arms around his waist. they're smiling, his chin in her hair, her eyes closed. he's the only one watching Rory and i go. he gives me an ever so small nod as though he's giving me the okay. i turn back around and Rory hasn't noticed they're watching us go. "where to?" i ask and she shrugs. "let's go all over town."
so we do just that.
we're finishing up our second lap of the town when Rory pulls me down Peach street and pass Kim's Antiques. "Rory, what are you up to?" i ask, curious. "i promised Lane i'd drop in as soon as i got home and since Mum and Luke had already organised dinner, we couldn't get away…but we'll make it quick, i promise." "okay." she leads me further down the street and pushes open Lane's gate. then there's screams and suddenly two boys run into Rory's, shoving me out of the way.
Rory's hand is tugged from my grasp and she stumbles back. i react quickly, reaching out to keep her from toppling over. she laughs, meeting my eyes over the curly black haired heads of the kids. "thanks, Jess, but i'm alright." i let her go and she looks down. "KAWN, STEVE! LOOK AT YOU BOYS, YOU'VE BOTH GROWN SO BIG!" Rory exclaims as the boys finally release her and take a few steps back to be examined.
Rory spins her finger, getting the boys to turn around so she can see them from all angles. "oh my." she smiles, kneeling down on the ground to hug them both again. "AUNTY RORY'S HERE, MAMA!" Kwan, i think that's him, calls to the house. Lane appears in seconds flat and her face lights up. "well, i'll be damned, if it isn't Jess and Rory, Rory and Jess." she smiles at me, coming over. i'm surprised when she hugs me. "hey." i say when she steps back. "hey." she then turns her attention to her best friend who pushes herself back up to standing. "Lane!" Rory draws her friend close and rests her face on Lane's shoulder. "hey, you."
"how have you been?" "oh, y'know." Lane waves her hand. "Busy." she ruffles the hair of one of her boys. "these two keep me on my toes." Rory and i laugh. "but what are we doing standing out here, huh? come in, come in! Zack'll be so happy to see you again, Jess." she leads us into the house. Rory reaches for my hand as we walk through the door, with Steve clinging to her leg on the other side. she laughs and rubs his back, not asking him to let go.
i doubt Zack even remembers me but i don't say this to Lane. she's obviously hoping i'll stand off to the side and make small talk with her husband, leaving her to catch up with her best friend in peace. i scratch the back of my neck, starting to feel on edge. i shouldn't have come here… i think to myself. i should've stayed back at the house with Uncle Luke and Lorelei and left Rory to make her visit to Lane solo. even if that had meant me being left exposed and at the mercy of Lorelei and Luke's interrogation about what exactly is between Rory and I now.
i don't know the answer to that question and by the look on Rory's face when her Mum asked Luke to fetch the mattress, she has little idea herself. in fact, i don't think she has any clue what she wants. but i'm here now so there's no going back. we drove down in her car too, so i'd be forced to take the bus back and knowing my luck, the next bus won't be until Friday.
"Rory, hey! how are you?" Zack appears and kisses Rory's cheek, half hugging her. "Hi, Zack. i'm good. how about you?" "oh, tired." he replies, yawning and Lane pokes his side, offended. he puts his arm around her shoulders, in a way that you can tell he's done it a million times and it's something natural between the both of them. "but happy, so happy." he corrects and Lane shoves him away jokingly. "yeah, sure, nice save." she pokes her tongue out at him and walks away. he laughs and watches her go. "man, my girl is fineee!" Rory laughs and squeezes my hand, checking i'm okay. i squeeze back twice and we follow Lane to the kitchen.
copying Rory, i sit down at the round kitchen table. Lane puts the kettle on and offers us some biscuits. Rory takes one but i pass. the twins run through the room, waving rocket ships above their heads, making "zoom" noises with their mouths. "so..Jess, long time no see." She pours our cups and hands them over. "Yeah, you could say that." "Thank you." Rory smiles, cupping hers with both hands, blowing on the coffee. "Thanks." i say, sipping at mine, ignoring the burn it makes on my tongue.
"so..how old are your munchkins now?" i ask, standing up to peer at some photos on the fridge. Lane smiles contently, adding sugar to her own mug and noticing what i'm looking at. "they turn seven this winter." "huh. they sure do grow up fast, don't they?" i say and Lane nods, taking a seat opposite Rory. "sure do. i've already started getting nostalgic of the days when they were still in diapers. it feels like a decade ago, at least." Rory laughs, reaching out to pat her friend's hand.
"unfortunately you've still got a long way to go." she teases and Lane's shoulders slump, though you can tell she loves it. motherhood agrees with her, she looks brighter and more at peace with herself than i've ever seen her. sure, their house may look a little like a bomb has hit it..several times but it's a home, not just a house. there's kids stuff everywhere, drawings and photos with missing teeth on the fridge, goofy smiles and family christmas cards from last year having not been taken down yet.
Zack comes in and kisses his wife on the head as he passes by, opening a cupboard and rummaging at the back, on his tippy toes, peering in the top shelf. "hey, babe, where'd you hide the wagon wheels this time?" he spots them on the table and rubs his hands together in excitement. "score!" he says to me, snatching one up.
"You should really come by more often, Rory. i mean, you're more than welcome anytime, you know that right?" Zack mumbles through a mouthful of biscuit and Lane and Rory laugh. "one would think i never feed him." Lane clicks her tongue, disapproving. Zack grins cheekily and snatches up a few more biscuits. "no, she's right. she does take good care of me." he nods at us, his face solemn. "it's just…she hides the chocolate."
"i hide it from the kids, Zack. not you, you big goof!" Lane and Zack argue playfully back and forth a bit. Rory laughs and i can't help smirking. what kind of life is that? i find myself wondering what it'd be like to have a woman hide chocolate from you, to take care of you…to have Rory hide chocolate from me. i look to where she sits beside me now, her shoes kicked off, knees pulled up to her chest, face happy and tired. she catches me looking and her mouth breaks into an even bigger grin. out of the corner of my eye, i see Lane's head turning back and forth between us.
i draw my eyes away from Rory and give Lane a look. "what are you staring at?" Lane rests her chin in her hand, elbows on the table. "you tell me." she points from me to Rory. "what is this? what's going on between you two?" "Rory?" i say, still looking at Lane. "Care to chime in here?" Zack finishes chewing and swallows his wagon wheel, grabbing three more for the road. Lane stops him right as he passes through the doorway. "not so fast, Mr. don't you think you've had enough?" she pointedly looks at his handful. Zack's face colours and he sharply insists he has not. "these are for the twins." he justifies, biting down on his one, leaving it half hanging out of his mouth and holding up the other two.
"yeah, yeah, alright. but only one each, okay? tell them we're all out. otherwise they'll come back in here, demanding more and they've got the dentist next month." "yes, ma'am." he leaves and Lane laughs, turning back to us. Rory still hasn't said anything. "where were we?" Lane folds her hands together in her lap. "oh, yeah. you guys were gunna tell me what exactly is going on here?"
even though she means no harm, Lane's directness has caused a tense mood to fall upon the room and i'm still waiting for Rory to jump in. when she still hasn't said anything, i push my chair back away from the table, making a horrible scraping sound on the lino floor. "sorry, i um…didn't mean to make.." i stand and walk around, lifting my chair this time, and placing it neatly back under the table. "i'm going to go." i walk toward the side door and exit through the kitchen, careful not to slam the door behind me. i shove my hands in my pockets, ignoring the heavy feeling that's pressing on my chest.
Rory didn't say anything. because she doesn't know what to say or because there's nothing to say? i'm sick of feeling so in-the-dark about this situation, about what we are or aren't to each other. i walk around Lane's house and pull open her gate, not knowing where i'm going but just knowing i have to get away from this house. maybe i'll sit in the town square for a while, just cool off. "JESS!" the only reason i turn around is because i know it's not her. it's not her voice. it's Lane. "where are you going?" "i don't know. i just..had to get out of that house." she snorts. "gee, thanks. i've gotta tell you, i haven't missed that subtly-isn't-my-strong-suit charm of yours." "i didn't mean it like that. there's nothing wrong with your house. it's a…perfectly nice house." i insist and Lane shrugs. "i know you didn't mean it like that. it's not really about my house. is it?" i shrug this time and start walking again. she has to jog slightly to keep up with me.
"Jess, you've got to give Rory some time, okay? You can't just expect her to jump right in with everything figured out. Especially when my guess is, you haven't got everything figured out yourself yet." she reaches out to pull my arm back, stopping us. "really, Lane? i can't expect her to know how she feels about me? really? after all the times she played me, all the times she kicked me to curb, i can't expect even the slightest shred of respect from her, is that what you're telling me? and FYI, i do know how i feel about Rory, i've known for a while now and i've tried, on multiple occasions may i point out, to inform her of this, but to no avail." i throw my arms up, walking off again.
"you still don't get it, do you? god jess, c'mon you call yourself smarter than everyone here." "what?" "rory loved you!" "yeah, when we were seventeen and it's not like she ever even told me that." "she didn't need to tell you. she chose you. she threw everything away for you."
"you mean, dean? she threw dean away for me? i'd hardly call that everything." lane rolls her eyes. "listen to me." she meets my eyes, her expression serious, mine confused. "she would've thrown it all away for you. school, this town, me." her voice goes quiet at the end. i touch her shoulder extremely quickly, for reassurance.
"lane, c'mon. you're being ridiculous. there's no way she put me first, before you." lane looks back up, her expression stone cold and her eyes tired behind the frames of her glasses. "oh my god, jess!" she bursts, i take a step back, shocked at her outburst. "what?! what'd i do now?"
"you're not listening!" "i am!" "well then maybe you're thicker than i thought!" "hey, now. don't poke the bear, lane." i retort sharper than i'd intended. "look, she didn't throw anything away for me, okay? she wasn't happy with dean and she needed an out. i simply gave her one. that's it, that's all. they wouldn't have lasted much longer, even without me intervening."
"yeah, sure." lane crosses her arms and clicks her tongue, frustrated as always to find herself in my stubborn company. "and it's not like i would've made her." "made her..?" "sacrifice anything for me. she was headed for Yale. she was…well, set."
"set." lane repeats. "yeah." i shove my hands back into the pockets of my old leather jacket, looking anywhere than into the face of the best friend of the girl i love. "she had her future all mapped out. she was excited and she.…she had good reason to be. she knew what she wanted to get out of life and she was going to get it. and she did, i mean, look at her, she's a successful correspondent. it's all worked out for her." "has it though?" lane challenges to which i rush on, refusing to acknowledge that comment.
"so she's all good. life has been good to her and i'm glad, i mean, I'm happy she's good." "you're happy?" "so things worked out the way they were always supposed to. she got to where she'd been heading and the little off-road-thing we had..didn't matter in the bigger picture..so it's fine. i don't even know why we're still entertaining the idea. there's no question." "no question about what?" lane prods, curious as ever and perhaps finally catching on to how i works exactly. he had to come to the conclusion himself, no matter how confusing or muddled the journey there becomes, he only gets off course because he overthinks each part that most of us only overlook. Lane thinks to herself.
"no question about whether it mattered!" "what mattered?" "us! me and Rory, our…being together, y'know? and then me walking out on her, no note, no goodbye, no explanation. she wasn't hurt, she's tough, she just kept moving and it paid off. she didn't wallow." "she didn't wallow? you did NOT just say that!" lane exclaims. "that's what she said!" "when? when did she say that?" lane's ready with a follow up.
"on the phone! at her graduation when i called her from Santa Monica and didn't say anything because i knew there was nothing i could say that would fix things so she talked instead and she told me things were over between us and that she hoped i didn't think she would wallow because she was going to Europe and Yale and she was moving on. she was growing up, living her life! and she stuck to her word! she did it. she didn't wallow and she grew up!"
"how do you know?" "how do i know what?" "how do you know she didn't wallow?" "because…because she said she wasn't going to." lane waves her hand about. "aha! exactly!" "exactly what?" i frown, bored of the mind games, of the riddles laced with wit. i'm tired. "she may've said she wasn't going to, but that didn't mean she stuck to her word." "what—what are you talking about? look lane, i don't have time for this. she made her choice and that's it, it's done—"
"except that it isn't!" lane interrupts and i go to move past her but she blocks my way. "jess, stop. wait." she tries to shove me back, i fail to not look smug. "you know i let you do that. if i wanted to get past i could've—" "yeah, yeah. mister macho man, i get it, thanks." she holds up her hand, her tone short.
"you left. you weren't here in the weeks that followed that phone call." "gee, thanks mrs obvious, i didn't know that, what would i do without your guidance—" "god, just shut up for a minute, would you? just can the wise ass comebacks for just a sec, could you please?" she snaps. i oblige, glaring at her but giving my full attention free of interruption none the less.
"when she got back from Europe, in the days leading up to Yale and even her first few weeks there, she would call me, crying in the most out-of-nowhere hours. you name it — midnight, 5am, midday, 3pm, the list goes on. there was no pattern. it was as though it'd simply hit her and she just went straight down. lost all control. and you know Rory, her name and the phrase loose control have never been used in the same sentence before." i nod, trying to piece together what she's suggesting before she even gets there herself because that's just the pace my mind works at.
"i remember one of the first phone calls, through her blabbering and sobbing, there was only one thing i managed to understand the whole call." "yeah, and?" i snap, getting impatient. lane shoots me a look, annoyed I'm being disrespectful. "what was it?" "through the whole backpacking trip across Europe, her and Lorelei took, she'd been in denial." "Denial? denial about what?" i frown even further.
that doesn't sound like Rory. she's the kind of person to face things head on, not beat around the bush. although it seems Lane marches to the beat of a different drum, based on how long it's taking her to get to the point of this sweet just darling little story time joke she's putting me through. i just think all of this, of course, not voicing any of it aloud.
"denial about you!" "me? what'd she have to deny about me? Lane, look, i appreciate whatever it is you're trying to do, here but you're really not making any sense and i'd rather not reopen old wounds, if you—" "She didn't want to accept that things were over between the two of you." "me and her, that two of you?" "yes!" she replies practically clapping, glad to be finally getting somewhere and breaking through that smug facade of mine.
"she was in love with you, jess. that kind of thing doesn't just disappear. no matter how many miles the person puts between you and them." Lane continues, pausing for me to intercept like i always do.
but this time, for the first time, nothing comes. no smart comment, no agitated retort, no underlying insult, no defence. it's as though he's lost his voice. he just stands there, still and not blinking, barely breathing. Lane thinks to herself.
she blinks at him a few times herself, trying to think of what to do. she groans, mistaking my silence to represent my lack of understanding or comprehension of what she's telling me.
"what i'm trying to say is, she wallowed. boy, did she wallow. she cried, she struggled, she'd drive home in the car her grandparents had bought her as a graduation gift and crash at my place. and i'd just hold her, brushing her hair from her eyes as she leaned into my shoulder. she was devastated, jess! she was hurting. she didn't just walk away with her head held high and extreme ease, like you seem to have convinced yourself she did."
"you hurt her. you may like to go around, acting like none of it meant anything and that she came out of, whatever it was that you guys had, completely unscathed but i'm telling you, you're an idiot. she didn't want to tell Lorelei because she felt like her Mum would only hold it against you. so she tried, for weeks, to pull herself together. she'd fake being super bright and chirpy on the phone with her grandparents or her mum, or on the weekends when she'd return home and people around town would ask her about her life at Yale. she'd smile and spill all the beans about how great her classes were and how much she was learning from the amazing posh lecturers, but inside it was killing her." Lane exaggerates the word killing, as though hoping this will truly communicate to me the emotional turmoil Rory suffered through at our breakup.
"she didn't like Yale?" "no! she loved it. it was amazing, and totally everything she'd been working toward her whole life. but that didn't mean that in her downtime, in the moments that something wasn't happening, wasn't demanding her attention, she didn't break down, because she did, Jess."
"so…" i pause, swallowing. "what you're telling me is.." my voice cracks and i clear my throat, trying to speak above a whisper. Lane only tilts her head, gesturing for me to go on, practically brimming with anticipation. "i ruined Yale for her." i finish and Lane exclaims, "EXACTLY FINALLY!" and then a beat and "WAIT WHAT?!" because no, i didn't get it.
"i made her upset, i hurt her and it took away from the victory of Yale, it made Europe shitty for her and it distracted her from enjoying her classes and college life and i…i stuffed it all up for her, everything that she'd worked so hard for." "no, Jess, no. oh my god. you've got this all wrong. okay, listen—" "no." i cover my face with my hands, sighing and then looking around the town, a pained expression resting on my features. "fuck, i'm such an idiot." "well, yeah. but let me explain, you totally took things the wrong way. that wasn't what i was trying to say at all!"
"Lane, i can't do this. i can't hear this. not after all these years, please." i push past, not unkindly and walk away at a faster pace this time. she rushes after me though, not going to let me avoid this. not letting me off the hook so easily, like Rory did when she bite her tongue and didn't ask what i was doing on the bus to Hartford the day i left town and didn't come back.
"Hey!" Lane shouts, grabbing my shoulder and pulling me around to face her. My eyes are wet and she's momentarily speechless. i press the bottom of my palms into them, like Luke always did whenever he'd start to tear up at something in front of people and then insistently deny it, like Rory's graduation from Chilton or when Lorelei made him watch "Sophie's Choice."
"Jess." "she's fine, okay?" "what are you—" "she's fine! she got over me and she moved past it. she's not hurting anymore!" Lane realises how invested Jess is in Rory's wellbeing and that he's emotionally wounded at the thought of her being in pain.
"yes, of course, she's fine. you're right, she threw herself into her studies and into focusing on Yale and eventually, gradually…got past it." "why are you telling me this?" i shout. Lane flinches, though she's not really afraid of me. i know this. "because you needed to know." "who are you to tell me what i need to know?" "huh?" "how do you know what i need to know or not?" i don't care if i'm making sense right now, i can't even hear myself think.
"Jess, look—" "no! i don't want this on my shoulders, Lane! it isn't fair for you to bring this up after so long. and you know what you forgot to mention there in your little story time recount? is that she could've called me!" "what?"
"she could've called me afterwards. if she missed me or was that hurt, or whatever, she could've always called me. it goes both ways." "and said what, Jess? that she was wallowing and that she lied when she said she wouldn't?!" Lane scoffs, crossing her arms once more, annoyed at my ignorance.
i cover my mouth with my hand, my eyes looking anywhere but at Lane. "you, her, Lorelei, even Luke — everyone acts like it was my fault, the whole thing." "well you WERE the one to leave." "yeah, so? she was leaving anyway." "oh, c'mon, don't pull that bullshit she had big plans and i wasn't part of them sob story. that's low, Jess, even for you."
"i'm not trying to pull anything!" I retort. "i'm just simply stating a fact! she could've called me." "how?" Rory's voice cuts through the cold night air of Stars Hollow and Lane uncrosses her arms, a small smile of victory pulling on her lips.
Finally, the confrontation she's been waiting for is about to happen — Lane has always thought Rory needed closure on the Jess front and she might finally get it tonight, even if it comes in a different form than Lane had been expecting. Which was for Jess and Rory to finish things, once and for all, but maybe they're finally going to truly begin.
i just freeze, with my back to Rory. i look to Lane, my face stricken. Lane only points over my shoulder and i take a deep breath, turning around. "Rory." "how could i have called you exactly?" she repeats, coming over to us, her scarf blowing in the wind. Lane clears her throat. "i'm..uh..i'm going to go." She runs over to Rory and gives her a quick hug before nodding goodbye to me. "bye, jess." "yeah, see ya." i reply, not taking my eyes off Rory. Lane smiles to herself as she crosses the road, happy to be heading home to Zack and the twins.
"well?" Rory demands. "i'm waiting on an answer here, Jess. and i don't have all night, y'know." i stay silent and Rory just stares me down, apparently willing to wait me out. "i just meant—" "no. you didn't mean anything because you still have no idea, do you?" she talks over the top of me straight away, not hesitating.
"you didn't have a cell, Jess. we were seventeen and my boyfriend didn't even have his own phone because he didn't believe in them!" she explodes, finally unloading all the built up annoyance and other emotions she'd stuffed down from my abandonment and the dark period of her life which i'm only just now learning, which followed.
"you didn't write, didn't get Luke to tell me where you'd gone or how to get in touch." she counts them off on her fingers. "what was i supposed to do, exactly? i couldn't have called you, Jess! and you know this. how could you not? you didn't have a phone, i didn't know who you were staying with so it wasn't like i could've called your dad's place! you used a pay phone, Jess! when you called and then sat in silence all those times! it was from an unknown number of some random pay phone on the street! there was no way of me tracking you down." she's shouting now.
"you're not going to talk? suddenly at a loss of what to chime in with, huh?" she snaps. "Fine, you know what, that's just fine. good, even. because i'll keep going. i've got loads to say." she takes a deep breath and then rushes on. "this is crap, you realise that, right? for you to honestly point the blame at me. for you to claim that i could've called you if i needed you because of course i couldn't have called!" "i'm not pointing blame at you." i say under my breath. "what was that?" she cups a hand behind her ear, all riled up now and not willing to let me walk all over her again.
"I'M NOT BLAMING YOU, RORY! I KNOW IT WAS ME, OKAY? I KNOW I WAS THE ONE TO WALK AWAY AND TO NEVER CALL AND TO STUFF THINGS UP BETWEEN US!"
"DAMN RIGHT IT WAS YOU, JESS! I DID NOTHING WRONG! I LOVED YOU! AND YOU JUST LEFT ME BEHIND!"
"WHAT, AND YOU WEREN'T ABOUT TO DO THE SAME TO ME?" she doesn't say anything. "YOU WERE GOING TO EUROPE WITH YOUR MUM AND THEN YALE, RORY! YOU HAD EVERYTHING LINED UP, YOUR FUTURE WAS LAID OUT RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU! AND IT DIDN'T INCLUDE ME!"
"DON'T SAY THAT! GOD, LANE WAS RIGHT YOU REALLY HAVE NO IDEA!"
"NO IDEA ABOUT WHAT?"
"ABOUT US! ABOUT HOW I FELT ABOUT YOU! I LOVED YOU, OF COURSE YOU WERE INCLUDED IN MY FUTURE."
"OH, YEAH? DON'T DO THAT, RORY, DON'T MAKE SHIT UP. WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO US WHEN YOU MOVED INTO THE DORMS AT YALE?"
"22.8 MILES!" "huh?" i stop yelling and frown at her. "IT WAS ONLY 22.8 MILES AWAY, JESS! YOU SAID SO YOURSELF, REMEMBER?" she's panting, out of breath and angry, hot tears pricking her eyes.
i still don't speak. "fine, you don't remember? fine! maybe i just made that whole day up then! the fact that you looked it up, you yahooed it because you cared, damnit. damn you, Jess! why is it so impossible for you to just accept that?! you cared about me! and i loved you and we were going to figure things out!"
she pauses, sobbing now, before keeping on.
"it was going to be fine, but you left and yes, you acknowledge you screwed things up, but you never actually ended it. instead you left it up to me to decide that you weren't coming back and that you weren't going to ever build up the courage to tell me this. i had to tell you goodbye and on the day of my graduation, Jess! on what would've been one of the best days of my life! i had to say goodbye to the boy i loved—"
"might've loved." "huh?" she pushes her bangs away from her forehead, thrown by the sound of my voice since i hadn't spoken in more than a few minutes, just leaving her to rant and offload it all on me, everything she's held inside for so long.
"that day, that all-important day of your graduation, tell me if i'm mistaken but did you or did you not tell me and this is a direct quote by the way i might've loved you but i just need to let it go…?"
"so?" rory stammers, as i move closer, fed up now and even more tired than before. "you said might, rory, you never actually said you did." "so?!" she spits back at me, neither of us tearing our eyes away, as though if we look anywhere else but at each other, we'll lose the other once and for all.
"so..you said those words to Logan and you said those words to Dean and you never—" "i never what, Jess? NEVER SAID THEM TO YOU? THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE BEING SINCERE RIGHT NOW? YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME IT REALLY BOTHERS YOU THAT I NEVER SAID THOSE THREE WORDS TO YOU?!"
"YES, OKAY! IT REALLY BOTHERS ME, RORY!" i throw my arms up, exasperated at her, at myself, at this whole scenario. how have we landed ourselves here, again? it may be a whole decade after we first met, but it's still the same thing.
it's still me feeling like her heart is somewhere else, belongs to another guy. it's still me thinking she isn't in this, 100%, with me, that she's just letting herself get distracted for a while, not really considering this a long term option. it's still her not believing me when i tell her i care, it's still her being afraid of me taking off again, her feeling like i'm hiding things from her. hell, the way she overrated back in New York when i wouldn't show her my place is evidence of that. she jumps to conclusions, always, and hardly gives me the time to explain. maybe we really haven't changed that much from the immature (me) uptight (her) kids we once were..
maybe all the flaws and struggles our relationship faced back then, back at seventeen are still revenant today, at twenty seven and maybe Lorelei was wrong, five years ago, when she sat on the bench in the dragonfly inn's kitchen and told me she honestly believed Rory and I stood more a chance now than we did as adolescents of making things work between us.
"No more begging this time. There will be no more me breaking as i watch you leave again, or letting myself feel anything when you say "no" and deny your feelings for me. because y'know what? i don't care anymore. not now and not in the future. i've finally figured it out, Rory. we never were going to have a future, were we? huh? you never saw me as a long term guy. no, no don't even try to make excuses. because i know the truth now. finally i've seen the light. seen this for what it is. you like to hide behind the fact that i walked out, that i went looking for my father and didn't tell you and didn't say anything all those times i rang you like i promised."
i take a breath, hardly remembering to breath, on a roll now. "and y'know why i just sat on the end of those phone lines in silence, Rory? because i missed you! and because i didn't know how to say that without sounding like a complete tool. who was i to miss you? i fucking left you in the first place, didn't i? it was of my free will that i turned away from us and hid like a bloody coward. so by way of not speaking to you, as much as it hurt us both, IT WAS MY PUNISHMENT! it was what i felt, back then, that i deserved — for leaving you and then for having the audacity to hate myself for it." i kick at the curb and throw my arms out from my sides, only to have them fall back again against the slim sides of my body.
