With grateful thanks to Sweeet-as-Honey for all her helpful input here.
JUDGED EIGHT LILY
Lily had always found it hard to make friends. Always the outsider at school, she would rather sit and read a book or play with her own little mini theatre at home, devising roles for the cut-out characters and acting them out, than make friends. On the one occasion she had invited a friend round to see the theatre and play with the dolls, she'd been disgusted by the plot her friend had wanted.
"Let's have a scene where some boys sneak into the school!"
"They do not want boys. They are training for the ballet."
Sharon, her friend, had looked at her in rage.
"You're a misery, Lily Chao. Everybody knows stories are more fun with boys in them!"
Lily had never asked Sharon to come and play again. Like the dolls, endlessly striving for ballet perfection, Lily had striven doggedly towards a career in medicine. Unlike Ben, who had worked hard to be a vet because of his love of animals, Lily just wanted to prove she could reach her goals.
As she grew older her dreams were realised. She was soon a respected doctor in a prestigious hospital. Whereas her colleagues sought her opinion and were a little bit afraid of her, nobody actually liked her. They did feel, however, that they should make an effort with her. When Morgan, one of the popular nurses, asked her to go out to a nightclub, she'd replied in horror:
"But you are working tomorrow!"
"So are you. Oh come on, Lily. You don't have to stay all night; just book yourself a taxi for eleven o'clock."
"Half past ten."
She'd booked the taxi but had been waylaid by the handsome doctor Michael Kendal, who had kept her talking. Michael, when he'd had a little to drink, could become egotistic and hated it when his 'audience' showed signs of leaving. When Lily had become anxious about her ride home, he'd shrugged:
"You can call another one."
Lily had become angry. She needed to go home, to get the right amount of sleep. Besides, she hated this small-talk that she could hardly hear anyway above the loud disco beat.
"That is rude to the driver and to the taxi company. I shall go now!"
"On your way then, Chilly Lily" he snapped.
Sadly, he'd kept her too long. The cab driver had given up on her and driven away. Lily had to walk through town, dodging wolf-whistles, cat-calls and even one man trying to grab her arm. She'd had to join a long queue and arrived home at twenty to twelve. She felt that she'd let herself down badly.
The next day she had not only the misery of a headache from the previous evening's noise and feeling exhausted, but she overheard the covert whispers of her colleagues:
"Mike says she's a real miseryguts. I'm not asking her out again."
"You could see she just wanted to bolt for home all the time. And she never bought a round, the stingy cow!"
For six months the staff stuck to their guns and didn't ask her out with them. Then Diana, who Lily liked and trusted more than the others, was about to be married. Once again Lily was unfortunate enough to overhear the conversation:
"She'll never come on a hen night. She doesn't know how to have a good time!"
"I LIKE her and it is my party after all. I'm going to ask her."
"Well you stick by her all night then, Di, because if I have to put up with Chilly Lily and her Arctic ways, I'll end up bopping her on the nose!"
Chilly Lily. The words danced in Lily's head. When Diana came over to ask her she received a bright smile in return.
"I would love to come, please, and the first round is on me!"
Diana whooped, which made Lily jump a little, and hugged her.
"I'm so glad you're coming."
It might have been different if she'd only stuck to mineral water. But the sex toys the girls were waving around were becoming embarrassing – well, repulsive to Lily– and she needed to fortify herself. She asked for a cocktail and the girls in the group cheered and slapped her on the back. Her defences were down. She ordered another cocktail, and another…
The next morning she knew she wasn't fit for work. Her head was pounding, she was unable to eat because of nausea, but her pride told her, she had to go. Doctor Lily Chao was needed.
The cab driver had asked her if she was sure she was all right. She nodded frostily and he gave up on her, only speaking again to ask her for her fare when they reached the hospital. To make him feel small rather than through goodwill, she'd given him a large tip and made her way unsteadily into work. She splashed her face with cold water, hoping it would be an uneventful shift.
It was anything but, thanks to a RTA that meant a long line of patients to treat. The first one was wheeled in.
"Mary Sinclair, aged sixty. Suffering from…"
Lily tried desparately to focus. The smell of Mary's blood made her feel a little queasy. She fought it and walked towards Resus. An arm caught hers.
"Doctor Chao, are you quite well? You don't look it. It's not being a failure to admit you're ill. Why not go home?"
She, Lily Chao, being sent home in disgrace? Her gaze grew steely.
"This patient needs me. She NEEDS me. She needs ME."
Shaking off her colleague's hand, Lily walked into the room ahead.
According to the echocardiography, Mary would need a cardiac tamponade. Fluid had filled the space between the heart muscle and the sac that encased it. Lily could feel her hands shaking a little, and her head still spinning. Maybe she should ask if she could go home after all.
She gave herself a sharp reality check. Lily Chao did not go running home because of a headache. She could do this… she consulted the notes again. Then she looked round her and saw other patients being wheeled in. She checked again. Yes, Mary could wait for a further twelve to forty eight hours for her operation. It could be postponed and there were others to help. The litany played over and over in Lily's head:
"I am needed, I am needed. I have to save as many as I can."
She had to face Mary's grieving daughter, who had made things worse for Lily by telling her she understood.
"That accident was carnage" she said with quiet dignity, "And you did what you thought best for my mum. You had others to save."
But Lily knew the truth. She hadn't saved any of the others. After making the decision on Mary, her nausea had been too much and she'd fled to the ladies. She'd lost precious time. When she'd come back into the theatre, she'd been told sharply to take a break by her superior. Several times during the afternoon she'd been reprimanded for carelessness – she'd actually brushed back her hair with her fingers and hadn't attempted to remove her gloves, as she should have. She'd had to be prompted all the time.
Then the stern, pale-faced Clinical Lead had called her into the office and told her bluntly that Mary Sinclair had died because her operation had been delayed.
The words "I failed her; I could have failed others" beat in her pulses as she ran blindly from the hospital.
I must go home, I must go home, her mind screamed.
Then she blundered into the busy street and the next thing she knew, she was in this ghastly room with David's deep-set eyes boring into her.
"You should have been honest and told them you were unwell" the small blonde woman said.
David let out one bitter, barking laugh.
"Rita, of course, would know all about honesty, wouldn't you, Rita? Tell them."
Between tears, the pretty blonde told her story.
