Tales of The Awkward: Chapter Seven (Spar Trouble)
"Wha-What?"
The blond woke up... Man! That must've been the shortest bout in modern boxing history. Oh, well... Now that he was dead, he wondered if he was good enough to make it to that place upstairs. The brightness of his surroundings forced the freckle-faced teenager to temporarily shut his eyes. Maybe he was at the pearly gates.
"Ron?"
Who was that? Perhaps it was an angel.
The blond's eyes slowly fluttered open.
"Ronnn... Earth to Ron."
This was strange. This particular angel looked and sounded like Kim. He just couldn't escape her... Not that he was complaining, of course. Then he finally realized... He wasn't at the pearly gates, he was in his house, which was slightly less pearly. And that girl above him wasn't an angel, it was just Kim, though that could be disputed.
"Kim... What are you doing here? It's morning," Ron said drowsily.
"Correction, Ron... It was morning, five hours ago..." The auburn-haired girl went over to window and pulled back on the curtains. The bright yellow star was away up in the sky, which pretty must destroyed the blond's argument that it was early.
Wow... He must've slept well, almost too well. Not that he was an early riser or anything like that. On the positive side, he was feeling much better than he did a day before. It had been about a week since his run-in with La Femme Shego, and with proper rest, a lot of Vitamin C, and lots of aspirin, he had felt like he could finally get up and go.
"Are you feeling any better?" She asked.
"Totally," he said excitedly. As if to demonstrate, he jumped out of his bed and did some impressive... well, not exactly impressive moves straight out of the 'Geek's Guide to Defending Oneself.'
"Uh... Ron?"
Disregarding the fact that Kim even called him, the sidekick continued to dish out punishment to open space.
It wasn't like open space didn't have it coming, though,
"Ronnn?"
His concentration clearly halted, Ron turned around.
"C'mon, K.P., I was just showing you my..."
The auburn-haired girl stifled a giggle while pointing below her best friend's midsection. Let's just say the boy wasn't exactly dressed for the occasion.
Error 193: Caught With Pants Down... Literally
Happens all the time... It's all good.
Of course, the blond took the fact that he was undressed in stride. He just got out of bed, for crying out loud! In light of it, he wasn't exactly impressed with Kim's amusement.
"Hmph... Like you've never seen your best friend without pants before," he said, feigning indignation.
The teen heroine ignored the complaint of the blond and cut to the chase.
"So this means you're feeling better then?"
The sidekick did a couple of stretching exercises before coming up with a sure answer. After finding no lingering pains...
"Yeah, much better! I feel like a new Ron," he insisted.
"New Ron?" Rufus asked.
"Good," Kim started. "We can start training today, then."
Uh-Oh... Code Red.
"Aaacchh!" Ron faked, clutching his kneecap. "Ohh... Those phantom pains are a-comin' back... I think I'm going to have to a few more days..." He quickly ducked back into his bed and underneath the covers.
Kim shook her head. There was no more delaying the inevitable... She had a suspicion that he had been trying to avoid her. No more... Pulling back the covers, the redhead reached over, grabbed the cowering blond, and dragged him out of bed.
"Wait... Wait... K.P."
"No more waiting, Ron. This is necessary..."
"Well... Can I at least put some pants on?"
"There's no time for that..." Kim replied.
Ron Stoppable Presents: The Pros & Cons of Training With Kim Possible.
Pros:
One has the ability to defend oneself when the situation calls for it.
Peace of mind for his best friend.
Cons:
The inability to walk after a training session.
More groin injuries than lessons learned.
He contemplated, ruminated, and speculated the negatives, the positives, and the go-betweens as they continued to resonate back-and-forth in the young man's head during that ten minute walk with Kim. Of course, there was no going back now, as he was now firmly entrenched in the training grounds, which was more popularity known as the Possible's basement. It looked more like a second-rate gymnasium than a basement. It had all the standards of a gym, what with the padded floors, the punching bag, and the prototypical training dummies off to the side.
Wait a minute... Which one was he? The punching bag, or the training dummy?
"Ron! Are you listening to me?"
What with all the thoughts of being a training dummy (or a punching bag), the blond forgot that Kim was talking to him about defending oneself.
"Uh..." He trailed off. "Actually... I wasn't listening to you."
"What?" She asked, surprised with the blond's forthright answer.
"I wasn't listening because," The sidekick stopped. "Because... I'm..."
I'm afraid of getting broken into pieces? Scared of having his Stoppable jewels handed back to him? As possible answers were shuffled and brainstormed. Kim listened intently as her best friend "Hmmm'ed" and "Umm'ed" his way into finding a suitable solution to his ignoring her.
"...So amped to get this thing started..." He finished, adding a toothy grin.
The answer proved to be sufficient for the redhead, even though her best friend was lying through his teeth.
"So you want to get things started, huh?"
Ron was hesitant in selecting answer, as he wasn't exactly sure if she was repeating what he had stated, or if it was a trick question.
"Yeah," he answered. His tone, however, told a different story. In any event, Kim wasted no time pulling him along.
Lesson I - Wish I Didn't Know
After about ten rounds with the punching bag, and some exercise, Ron felt a bit more comfortable about what he was about to embark on, even though the jitters of the prospect of having his jewels handed back to him were fresh in his mind. He knew that his best friend wouldn't intentionally hurt him. So why in the world was he still envisioning himself as a carcass in the middle of a boxing ring?
"Ron! Are you zoning out on me again?"
"What? No!"
"Then what did I just say?"
Uh-Oh... One of those again... Why couldn't she just give him the benefit of the doubt?
"Uhhh. You said, if I'm not mistaken, 'in order to successfully get the better and eventually defeat your opponent in battle, you must know the opponent that you're in combat with beforehand, close quote," he answered smugly.
Yep, Ron Stoppable was a finely trained master in the art of listening, even when he was distracted…
"I was asking if you wanted anything to drink, battle-boy," she teased.
...Or not.
"Oh..." He replied foolishly. "Well then... I'll have a..."
"Then again, that's not a bad lesson," she interceded.
Open Mouth. Insert Dynamite.
Within minutes, the instruction began. Ron figured that this wouldn't take very long. A couple of words about the enemy, a demonstration or two, maybe a written cumulative review at the end of the week...
"Did you get all that, Ron?" The cheerleader asked.
"Yeah," Ron replied confidently. "I'm ready to kick some bad-guy butt... Booyah!"
"Good. I was hoping you'd say that... Because what I want you to do right now is make believe that I am one of the bad guys," she stated.
Oh... Boy.
"Uh..." Ron stammered.
"So come on, hero... Kick my butt," she said, smacking her own backside for emphasis.
Ohhh... Boy. Did she really have to smack her own...?
"B-But, you're..."
"...My best friend?" She asked. "A girl? That doesn't make any difference, Ron, especially one that can easily send you home crying to your mama."
"Hey! That's kinda personal..."
"So, what are you going to do about it, eh?" The redhead asked, her voice fully into battle mode. Ron didn't like where this was going... This certainly didn't sound like it was all a part of the lesson...
"But, K.P..."
His training partner and instructor interrupted him.
"But, K.P., But K.P!" Kim mocked "...Geez, Ron, you expect me to protect you forever? Man Up! Stop being such a mama's boy," she commanded.
OK... There was fine white line between friendly ribbing and being insulted in the blond's book. Kim not only just crossed it, but she ran past it, stomped on it, and hawked a gigantic loogie on that line as well. His usually relaxed veneer transformed into a look of what could be classified as anger. 'Ooh,' he thought. 'If she wasn't his best friend, she'd be sooo...'
...But then again, she wasn't his friend. She was one of the bad guys... for now...
The freckle-faced boy's brown eyes flashed dangerously... He charged at the redhead, painful intentions on his mind...
...and found himself on the mat.
"...Is that all you've got, mama's boy?" Kim taunted.
As if a matador was waving a red cape in front of a bull, Ron sprang back to his feet, and charged at the teen heroine once again. Kim almost yawned as she effortlessly tripped up the blond. Again, Ron found himself in a heap on the training mat on the floor.
"Too easy," the redhead said, her arms folded smugly.
As the sidekick recovered, he got a couple of things straight. He gathered that he needed to take a different approach to this. He wasn't going to land any blows on her by charging at her like a maniac. And... Sometimes, Kim was amazingly Shego-like when she wanted to get her point across. Both circled each other slowly. Ron had absolutely no clue what he was going to do to throw his best friend off-balance... She knew over a dozen styles of Kung-Fu! How could she be stopped?
When Kim figured that the boy was taking too long to try something, she pounced quickly. She grabbed the overmatched boy's right arm and twisted it harshly against his back.
"Owww, K.P.!" Ron howled.
Despite the boy's growls and groans of pain, Kim didn't relent. This was something that he had to learn if he wanted to seriously save the world alongside her... Plus, she kind of liked the fact that the boy was at her mercy. After a couple of more moments, she released him. Ron crumpled to the floor, clutching his aching shoulder. He looked upward to see the friendly face of Kim standing over him... Not exactly the friendly face that he had saw about, say... thirty seconds ago.
"So, what did we learn today?" She asked
"Know your opponent," he replied weakly.
"And that means..."
"...Unless you've got a plan of attack, don't go charging into people who can send you home crying to your mama?" He asked.
Kim nodded. He was learning already... There was nothing quite like the school of hard knocks, whatever that was.
Lesson IV - Escape Artistry
"Today, class..."
Ron looked around the empty basement. What class?
"...We are going to learn the intricacies of escaping your way out of immediate danger," Kim instructed. "But, first, I need a volunteer."
Hmmm, by the sheer due process of elimination, and the fact that I'm her only student at the present time, that would only mean...
"Me?" He asked his voice quiet as a skittering mouse.
Kim nodded. At the nod of her head, one could almost feel the Ron's blood pressure rise about ten to fifteen points. We hope sincerely that the young man takes in a low-salt diet.
"Is this going to hurt, K.P.?" He asked, as he was smarting from the activities of earlier in the week. That day, he thought his shoulder was ripped right out of it's socket... Wolfpac style.
"Come on, Ron. You know how it goes; No pain, no gain," she answered with a sardonic smile.
He was about to go along with it...
"Wait, you didn't answer the question!" Ron whined.
"Ron, you'll be fine. I wouldn't hurt you on purpose," Kim said. Her tone was ingenuous... Well, at least, ingenuous enough for his liking which didn't take much.
"Uh... So, what do you want me to do?"
"If you can, try to restrict my movement. Try to stop me from moving," she requested.
That seemed to be a pretty simple task. But then again, for Ron Stoppable, a simple task usually meant the opposite,. much like cleaning out the garage for a Mother's Day present a few months ago.
He had to get back to the present... How was he going to restrict Kim's movement? An idea quickly hit him.
The blond felt a bead of sweat fall upon his brow as he gripped the arms of his partner. He attempted to handcuff the girl, that would work for the most part, he guessed.
He then sprang a different idea... But he wasn't exactly sure if he should. Ignoring the ambiguous thoughts, he released the girl's shoulders, and his arms went lower toward her waist, and clasped both arms slightly.
"A bear hug?" Kim asked.
"Uh... Yeah?" Ron said.
"You call that a bear hug, Ron?"
Catching the confrontational tone in her voice, Ron began to apply pressure as he put more into the maneuver.
'This'll show her,' Ron thought.
Kim was clearly strained from the squeeze that her sidekick was putting on her.
"That's more like it..." she said.
That was more like it, what with his hips pressed heavily against her backside. It wasn't for another couple of seconds before the blond realized that...
'My... hips... pressed heavily against... her backside.'
5 Seconds Before the Return of the Roll of Quarters
4...
3...
2...
1...
Abort! Abort!
OK... That was enough. Ron broke away... He didn't even know why Kim challenged him into doing this in the first place. Did it have something to do with endurance? Or fighting ability? Or did it have something to do with how long the boy could last without exploding from the blood rushing to his face? Before Ron could think of a different thought, his red-haired partner turned around to face him.
"Is that all you've got?" She asked.
"Uh, K.P., don't you think that holding you in a bear hug is kinda..."
"...Kinda..." she continued for him, ignorant to what he was getting at.
"...Awkward?"
"No," Kim answered. "Not at all. I'm just trying to gauge your endurance and strength..."
Neither one had anything to say for a moment. Until...
"...Which you don't seem to have a lot of..." She remarked, that Shego-like smile returning on her face.
Without a second thought, the blond wrapped the redhead up again. If anyone caught him in this awkward position, it was going Kim's fault for egging him on. He wanted to show her that he was serious about staying within the ranks of world-defending crime-fighter, and if he had to squeeze Kim into an... accordion, then so be it.
It's just that her body was so soft...
...and her hips were so finely curved...
...and what's that other word that starts with an 'S'?
Ah, yes... supple.
Crap! He was thinking about it again... But how could he not?
The Christmas Caper?
The 'Hope That She's Not Naked Fiasco'?
The Little Black Dress?
Sweeet... That little black dress...
"Sorry if I'm interrupting anything, kids, but... What the...?"
Three Things That Ron Stoppable Forgot:
1. He had forgotten what the mathematical term 5! meant. (Five factorial: 5 X 4 X 3 X 2 X 1)
2. He had forgotten that Kenny Rogers had a miserable postseason track record before he smudged on some pine tar.
3. He had forgotten that there was another entrance to the basement.
So, ladies and gentlemen: When you catch your daughter and her best friend in a compromising position such as this, your first impulse should and will be...
Both of the teens whirled around. Ron almost turned white in the presence of one of his best friend's parents... Yep, this was the stuff that nightmares were made of. Forget about speaking, he was more worried about surviving at this point. Even worse was the almost... knowing smile that was appearing on the intruder's face. Did Mrs. Dr. P. know something that he didn't?
"Mom, it's not what it looks like," Kim said.
The brain surgeon didn't even bother to hear the excuse as she ran up the stairs, giggling like a schoolgirl.
Lesson XII - The Final Examination.
"Ready, Ron?"
"Born ready, K.P."
This indeed (If you didn't read the caption), was the final exam. After a week's worth of teaching, instruction, frustration, and Ron's face hitting the mat, Kim felt that Ron was ready for the final test: Try to knock her down to the mat in five minutes. It seemed simple to a simple-minded casual observer, and then again, a simple-minded casual observer doesn't often see a girl with the knowledge of more than a few fighting styles spar with her stumblebum of a best friend.
Yep... Stumblebum.
With a buzz, the digital clock began to run down. As seconds ticked away, Ron tried to figure out a way to break the impenetrable wall that was his best friend. The duo circled each other in anticipation, one on a mission to prove that he belongs in the world-saving business, the other... Well, you know. Ron began the offensive as he went at her legs first. It didn't prove effective as the girl sidestepped away from his lunge at the last minute. Like many other instances this past week, the young man found himself grabbing at empty air as he hit the mat.
"You've gotta do better than that," Kim stated nonchalantly.
Ignoring the taunt, Ron snapped back to his feet. He couldn't allow himself to be consumed by the baiting words of his opponent. A few days back, he was riled into blindly attacking her without any course of action. As a result, he was eaten up like Howard Dean's presidential campaign...
...And then we're going to Washington D.C. to take back the White Houuuuuse! Yeeeahhh!
"Four minutes," A sing-song voiced Kim teased.
He had two-hundred forty seconds to prove himself. He had to make this next stand count. He began the charge with an array of punches and kicks, which either blocked or dodged all together. With precious moments waning, he figured that he may as well go for it all. In a surprising show of quickness, he penetrated the defenses to get close enough to get a hand on her.
It came with a price as his chin caught a glancing blow by the redhead. He would definitely feel that after they were through. On the defensive side, Kim was impressed with her partner. She wasn't exactly going one-hundred percent, but she was pleased to see that the blond was rolling with the punches (and kicks.)
She narrowly missed an attempt from the boy... 'Hm, better than I thought,' she thought as she went airborne.
"Three minutes," she said as she gracefully landed on her feet.
Ron was frustrated that he couldn't land one clean hit on Kim, let alone knock her off her feet. Worse yet, at he just realized, Kim was now on the offensive now. The boy's body twisted and contorted in all kinds of forms as he tried to avoid a heavy barrage from the teen heroine. He didn't know how long he could keep this up... The auburn-haired continued with a right hand, followed by a left...
'Right, Left, Right... Left,' He thought as he scarcely avoided being hit. 'So the next attack would be from the...'
"Right," he said. Using what little second wind he had left, he had managed to handily avoid the straight right hand. Seizing the opening, the blond yanked the surprised Kim by her left arm. Summoning all the strength he could mustard... er, muster, Ron tossed the girl over his shoulder... He was actually going to win this!
...If only Kim hit the mat. As she went hurdling toward the mat, she placed her hand out in front of her for balance, and sure enough, handstood and backflipped her way back into a standing position.
For dramatic effect, Kim wagged a finger tauntingly at the boy.
'Oh, come on!' Ron thought. This girl was more unbeatable than Triple H in 2003! And now, he was fresh out of options.
She was just trying to psych him out, but in truth, Kim was very much enthused by her best friend's improvement. For the remaining two minutes, though, she felt like going all out. Needless to say, the adrenaline rush from her nearly hitting floor mat was greater than what any Mountain Dew (or Surge) could offer. She charged at the blond again, bent on ending this exam, once and for all.
"Kim, wait!" Ron shouted. Her fist was (.) that close connecting with the blond's jaw.
"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" She asked.
"Uh... No," he began. "I just figured out something."
"Figured out what?" Kim asked impatiently.
"I-I... I don't think I might be cut out for this save-the-world stuff..." He trailed off as he turned his back from her. Kim was taken aback from his sudden resignation.
"What...? Why would you think that?"
"Why? Oh... Well, from all of the trash talk, you probably don't think I'm good enough," Ron said quietly. She knew that her best friend was upset as his voice was devoid of it's usual liveliness. The redhead especially took note of the reason that he was in doubt. Did her words in jest psych him out that much? With the rush of adrenaline gone, Kim began to feel very much apologetic.
"Ron, those were just words," she said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I think you did great today,"
'It was working... Just one more...'
"Really?" He asked, turning around to face her.
She nodded, flashing him a genuine smile. "Really. I mean it."
"Wow... I guess there's only one thing I have to say..."
Kim gasped as Ron drove her into to the mat below her.
"--Sucker!" Ron yelled from atop of her.
Critical Error 95B: Plausible Gullibility
Treatment:
Fool her once, shame on you.
Fool her twice, run for cover.
Had she been fooled by the 'I-Quit-But-I-Actually-Didn't' trick?
"Booyah!" Ron exclaimed. He knew that he wasn't going to get anywhere battling physically with his red-haired chum(p), however, no one said anything about psychological and mental... However you spell those words.
Yes, finally, for the first time in modern history, Ron managed to outsmart Kim... and boy was she not happy about it.
"Ron, that is so not cool," she said tersely.
"You said to do whatever it takes to gain an advantage," he said, his smile never wavering.
Grr... He was right again, she did instruct him that. She just didn't think that he'd execute with it. Looks like he was more resourceful than she had previously thought... and somehow that made her smile in spite of her, well... losing. She attempted to push the boy from on top of her, but he wouldn't budge.
"Come on, K.P., who rocks?" He taunted.
That did it... Using utter brute force, she forced the blond off of her. As he tried to recover beside her, the teen heroine swooped, landing on top of him, as he did moments ago.
"Now who rocks?" She asked.
"You do," the blond said with a huff. She couldn't let him win... not even once! Then again, her being on top of him may be classified as a...
Bad Ron! Bad thoughts again! Bad thoughts again!
Kim smiled at the changing expressions on the freckled boy's face. There was something about the nervous look in his eyes, maybe the threat the she might hurt him. Whatever it was, it gave her the impulse to do something about it.
Intermission with the Impulses.
"Leave him alone, he's been through enough with you dragging through all of these training sessions," Impulse One said.
"Nonsense," Impulse Two yelled over her. "I say you give him a nice punch in the shoulder for mocking you!"
"I think," began the Third Impulse. "Since you're one top of him already..."
"Uh-huh..." Kim said, not quite getting the gist of what the third impulse was saying.
"...You should kiss him."
"WHAT?" She yelled. "That's ridiculous! Why would I--?"
"You like Ron, don't you?" The third impulse asked.
"Kinda... But..."
"Come on, Kim, don't be such a wimp!" Third Impulse said. "It'll be good for the both of you."
"Yeah, but..." The redhead was beginning to take it into consideration, when... "
Wait a minute," Kim said suspiciously. "You're not one of my impulses, you're my hormones!"
Both of the other impulses stared in horror as the third impulse revealed herself.
"That's right, Kim, I'm your hormones, and damn it, I will not be ignored for a moment longer!" She declared. "It's clear to see that he likes you, so why not?"
"Because--"
"God, Kim, you're so selfish," Third Impulse, now known as Hormonia said indignantly. "Don't you ever think about someone other than yourself? Don't you ever think for one second that I might have needs?"
Kim was speechless at the complaints of the hormone.
"Needs? But he's--"
"Why can't you ever be spontaneous about things? I wouldn't be so desperate if you were."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that you think too much, Kim. That's why you're talking to me right now."
Uh-Oh... Hormonia was right about that.
"I mean, what's the worst that could happen?" Before Kim could gather an answer, the evil hormone spoke again "In fact, don't think about that. Think of how good it would feel if he kissed back."
"B-But..." Kim was quickly falling under the control of the rouge hormone.
"You know you want to... Do it for you... Do it for us..." Hormonia commanded softly, her voice smooth as a ride in a luxury car. "Besides, he's not going to stop you..."
Her mind was made up... She was going to do it...
"Uh, K.P., are you going to..."
He paused as he saw his best friend drawing closer to him.
'That's right... He's all yours,' Hormonia encouraged in the red-haired girl's mind.
Ron panicked, what was Kim doing? His eyes went as wide as they could when he saw the girl close her eyes.
'Ohmygawd, Ohmygawd, Ohmy...'
He didn't dare to blink as he saw the girl's lips began to pucker. A nervous calm washed over him as the girl got closer.
Kim was going to kiss him.
She was just inches away from him. No interruption, no obstacle, and nothing was going to stop her. Except...
"Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep."
The Kimmunicator.
As fast as her lips tried to find his own, she leapt off of him to answer the communication device.
"What's the sitch, Wade?"
Ron, who was still on the mat, stared blankly at his best friend as she conversated with the computer genius known as Wade. Afterwards, the girl turned toward him.
"It's Drakken, he's planning to--"
"You know what, K.P.? I think I'm going to sit this one out," he said.
"Alright, suit yourself," she replied. With that, she went upstairs toward her next mission, leaving Ron still there on the floor mat. One thought clearly on his mind.
'What in the name of the naco was that all about?'
End of Chapter Seven
