Chapter Two: Whatever made you strong is now ash
She wakes from another haunted sleep. There are some excited talking out of her tent. The sun didn't rise long ago, but she can hear her warriors awake outside. They're speaking of something, some of them whispering, some almost yelling.
A moment later Indra announces herself and comes inside her tent. She's serious like always, but Lexa can tell that she's torn between relief and worry.
"The Mountain has fallen, Heda."
Clarke. Clarke. Clarke.
It's all Lexa can think about. The Mountain's fallen. Is Clarke alive? Clarke could be alive. She could be injured.
She could be safe. She won. She could be dead. But no, because she won. Clarke won even when you left her. You left her.
Clarke hates you.
"The Sky People won." is all she says.
Indra nods. "The scouts saw the Sky People alive in Camp Jaha. They spared the Mountain's children, the scouts saw them in the camp too."
Lexa wants to ask if Clarke was with them. Clarke has to be with them. They're alive, so she has to be alive too. But she can't ask it directly. So instead she tries "The Sky Princess isn't as weak as we thought."
She has to swallow the shiver in her voice. She waits in pain for Indra to say something. Anything that would confirm that Clarke is alive. That she's safe.
But what Indra says next breaks her.
"Skai Prisa was not among them, Heda. The scouts didn't see her anywhere in Camp Jaha."
Lexa can feel her heart bouncing out of her chest. She can't breath. She's suffocating. She feels her eyes watering. But she can't cry in front of her general. She can't cry at all.
Maybe she's just injured and so she's inside the medical area of the Ark. No. Clarke's dead. And you're the one who killed her. Just like Costia.
"Tell the scouts to keep watching. I want Camp Jaha controlled. After all, we did betray them. They could seek revenge." But the only reason she orders this is because if there's only one possibility that Clarke's alive and that she was just out the sight of the scouts, she has to know.
"Sha, Heda."
Lexa dismisses Indra and tries to get dress. Her hands shiver, her head feels dizzy and she can't think properly.
Clarke. Clarke. Clarke. Dead.
As soon as she's dressed she storms out of the tent, she tells her guards not to follow her. She goes straight into the woods and she doesn't stop walking until she's sure that no one will accidentally run into her.
And there she breaks. Tears stream down her cheeks and neck to her collarbone.
Love is weakness. If only she hadn't thought that. If only she had let her heart decide, now she would be strong. They would have rescued their people together, and win together. And now she wouldn't feel so weak, so poor, so pathetic.
You did what you had to do. You made the right choice for your people. You're not weak. This pain you carry so that your people won't feel it. You're strong for feeling this pain instead of your people.
But no matter how hard she tries to convince herself, no matter how well she knows the voice of the Commander is right. She feels weak. She knows the Commander is strong. She knows the Commander did the right choice. But she feels weak. And now not even the spirit of the Commander is making this better. Not even the words of the Commander's spirit inside her can make her feel anything else but pain. And weakness. She lost. The Commander won. But maybe even the Commander lost. Because if she's this weak, how can she be a strong leader?
She wants to scream. She punches a tree instead. She can't risk someone hearing her. But she needs to let the pain out. But it's just so much. So much. Too much to throw it away by hurting herself. But she doesn't stop.
She needs something to think about. Anything but not the pain that is tearing her apart. She can't see for her eyes are blinded by the tears that just won't stop falling.
After some time she falls to the ground, she curls up there and she sees blue light eyes. One moment they're smiling at her, the next one they become cold, first angry, then empty. She shuts her eyes closed, she tries to push the images away, but they're hunting her. Blond hair. Eyes like the sky, sometimes like the sea.
When it seems like the memory, the image of the sky girl is hurting her physically, she gets on her knees and she goes back hitting the tree with shaking hands.
She doesn't know for how long she's been there. There's blood all over her hands. She probably even broke a finger or two. Her eyes ran out of tears at some point and all she feels is dullness and emptiness. She can't hear anything, her eyes see nothing, her mind has gone blank, and suddenly a strong, firm hand grabs her wrist, stopping her next punch at the tree.
She doesn't want to look up. She knows who's standing beside her. There's only one person at the camp who would dare grabbing her like that. She doesn't bow her head even if she'd like to. She just keeps her eyes trained on the tree. She needs to calm down.
The hand is cold around her wrist. She would like nothing more than being able to reach for it and hold on to it. But she can't. She's Heda.
Indra doesn't talk at first. She waits for Lexa to stand up and ready herself to be the Commander again.
Lexa knows she should get up. She tries to get herself together. When she thinks she failing, she calls the Commander spirit and she hopes that her mask still works.
It does.
The Commander is on her feet and her face shows no emotion, no feeling, nothing but a little, almost invisible, crack. You could notice it only if you knew where to look.
Indra sees that. But she says only "Heda, you should get ready to go to Polis."
The Commander nods. She clears her voice to be sure that it won't break. "I'll leave tomorrow at down." Her voice comes out husky and low, but it doesn't shiver.
Lexa is in the war tent. She's been discussing with Indra over the matter of the Coalition. She's tired. She can't think about politic. But she's glad to have something to occupy her mind with.
The Mountain Men are no more a threat. She learnt from the scouts that Clarke managed to spare the children, but children are no enemy, no matter who their parents were. Now, without a common enemy, will the Coalition still stand? She's not sure about it. There will be leaders who won't keep the alliance with all the twelve clans now.
Some clans will go back planning attacks to other lands. Old threats will show up again. And both the Commander and Indra have a particular clan in their mind.
She doesn't sleep much that night. Tears falling again in the silence, hidden by the darkness. The Sky Princess takes possession of her dreams. Sometimes Clarke would accuse her, sometimes she would tell Lexa how much she hates her. But sometimes that night Clarke would look at her with sad pure eyes, without hate, almost with sweetness while telling her that she understands. And sometimes Clarke kills her, Lexa doesn't fight, instead she welcomes the death.
One time, however, Clarke looks at her with sadness but love and she whispers "I wish you weren't the Commander". That time Lexa wakes up crying, fighting the scream that is almost out of her mouth.
When she calms down a little, the dim light from outside tells her that the sun is ready to rise.
Before it does Lexa is out with some guards and they're starting their journey to Polis.
It's hard to leave all behind. But she has to. And she tries her best to leave there also her heart.
A/N: So...of course when Lexa and Indra talk they speak Trigedasleng, but I figured it would just be easier for everyone to read the English translation directly.
I perfectly know that the Lexa of the show would not break like that...which is why my Lexa does. God, she's human after all!
English is not my first language (I live in Italy), so I'm sorry there will be some mistakes...
