Life went on as it always does. Amelia stayed on top of her sobriety, started work again, and Owen was nowhere in sight. She found out from a text he sent her that he needs to take some time off work, according to his therapist. They communicated mostly through text messages. A call would come through every now and then, from Owen. She didn't dare to contact him. She made her feelings and intentions clear and she felt it was his turn to clear his. She was giving him space, and she told him that.

"Amelia, I have an emergency appy, and I will be held back at work, can you take the kids from daycare and go to my office? I shouldn't be long". Meredith was calling to ask for her help with the kids. And she was grateful for every moment spent with them, because they were helping her heal.

"Sure thing Mer", she replied without a moment's hesitation.

She picked up her favorite munchkins and went to play with them in Mer's office, which was half full of toys nowadays. She settled on the sofa braiding Zola's hair and listening to her talk about her day, when her phone started ringing. She glanced at the caller ID, not yet certain whether she should pick up, and a smile etched her expression:

"Addie!" she gleefully greeted Addison's call, while holding the phone between her cheek and her shoulder, continuing the braiding.

"Amelia, hi …" she sounded grave, and Amelia noticed right away, but she was too afraid to ask.

"It's Ella, she … uhhm" Addison started sniffing, and her voice started cracking. The next thing she heard, was Addison starting to muffle cries in the background, and Jake's voice taking over the phone, dispelling her confusion.

"Amelia, it's Jake. Ella has just been diagnosed with a brain tumor and…" he sighed heavily. Despite speaking the diagnostic again and again, it still didn't feel real. They were still living in disbelief.

But Jake's words started fading beyond comprehension. She felt her ears shut down on sound, pressure rising, a base humming covering sounds. Her thought stream just stopped, her hand fell off Zola's braid, limp, as her mouth gasped for much needed air. There just wasn't a limit to how unfair her world was. Despite the implosion she felt was taking over her body, she muttered a few words to Jake and threw away the phone next, as if throwing away bad luck was even possible.

"I'm taking the first plane out there."

"Hello everyone, guess what I'm here early, so who wants to go to get some food?" Meredith bust into her office, high after a smooth apy, the kind that made her feel so damn good about her chosen specialty.

In between all the kids vocal excitement at the news, Mer noticed something was wrong with Amelia and immediately thought about Owen.

Just before she could open her mouth and ask what's wrong, Amy blurted out while springing to her feet and anxiously pacing back and forth:

"Addison called. Her daughter Ella has been diagnosed with a brain tumor. I'm going there on the first plane"

"Damn it, damn it" Mer spoke under her breath, as always, mindful of her kids. She ran her hand through her hair but quickly turned around, worrying about Amelia now. She realized she was visibly in a state of shock so she quickly made her way over to her, reached out and craddled her into a hug. They became close after the chocking incident, and after her nursing Amelia back from horrific event. All of which served to trigger more confessions from Amelia, who whispered into Mer's shoulder, more like a small, scared child rather than the adult that she was:

"I should ask for her scans. But what if I can't … save her?" Her voice irremediably cracked, and tears started falling, only to be followed by shudders. She buried her head and mouth into Mer's shoulder, as the kids gazed on silently. Addison will never look at me again". Her insecurity was kicking in again, as always sabotaging all her relationships. And for so long.

Mer could all but notice it and felt compelled to put a stop to it immediately. She pulled away from the hug and cupped Amelia's face, now staring straight into her teary eyes.

"Amelia you are a good person, and you are doing a great thing helping your friend. You are not God. You will do your very best and Addison knows that. Addison is a mother, and she will behave like all mothers do in such a situation, but she loves you and has forgiven you for so many things. Despite what she might be going through right now, Addison loves you, and you deserve Addison's love. You are a good person and you are strong, so be strong, Addison needs you to be there for her and her family"

You're right, you're right, she nodded convincingly, smiled shyly as she wiped the tears away, and sniffled her nose, gazing into the distance out of Mer's office and digesting the words she had just heard. There was something else that had occurred between the two of them in during this moment, but she was too distracted to realize it.

Mer's hands now grabbed hold of Amelia's forearms, giving her a reassuring squeeze, while decisively taking control of the situation and courtly declaring:

"Kids, your aunt needs to go visit a friend from California" and before she could continue the kids ambushed her with so many questions and started jumping around her, pleading with her to stay on:

"Why are you crying, why are you going there?" and "Isn't that far?" and "When are you coming back?"

"Hey, hey everyone silence, let aunt Amy finish"

Amelia kneeled down to them and explained her friend's kid was sick and she was about Bailey's age, and she hopes someday they will meet.

"Are you going to operate on her brain", Zola curiously asked "To make her better?"

"Yes, aunt Amy will make her better" That's why I need to go there and I need to be there with my friend.

"Okaaay" Zola continued resigned, and quickly turned around grabbing one of her toys and handing it to Amelia:

"This is from us, to make her feel better"

"That's so sweet of you sweetheart, she'll love it! I'm pretty sure the two of you are really going to hit it off when you meet" And by now Amelia's heart had melted.

Amelia kissed the kids goodbye, and reassured Meredith she doesn't need a trip to the airport, and she should just continue their plans to the restaurant.

Watching Amelia hurry out of her office, Mer felt something at the pit of her stomach. The tip of a thought, half-baked, was starting to make its appearance and she soon realized what it was about. It was a familiar feeling. But it was still surprising she could feel that towards Amelia, because all she had thought she felt about her, was jealousy that she's not Derek. That is what Richard and the therapist and everyone else said. But this feeling she was feeling now, was at the root of the jealousy, and it was scary. And although it had to do Derek, it wasn't about projecting her frustration at losing him forever, onto Amelia. Meredith stomach tied into a knot: because for the first time, she realized she worried about Amelia's well-being, the way families worry about loved ones. And there it was in all its glory: loved-ones. Meredith had a loved-one, a beloved family member, one that her late husband left her. You can't choose your family is what they said, and that's true. Amelia was her family, and she cared for her.

It was all about family for Amelia as well, when she landed in L.A. albeit, without the tinge of hope and excitement that usually characterizes these home visits. She was sick to her stomach, she felt dirty, incapable, ugly. Guilty, as if she had anything to do with Ella's getting sick. What a brutal disease. There couldn't have been a worse time to be a doctor, and she hated herself for being one right now. It all meant one thing, the one thing she, as a doctor, and she, as an insecure person, tried to hide the most and push at the back of her head: her helplessness, her insignificance, her lack of importance. All in the face of fate, and death, which she wrangled with every day. The fate she defied everyday, cleverly tricking herself into thinkin she was making magic. But not this time. This time the battle was too big, too much to lose, no room for defiance, just smallness, and hideous fear. A whirlwind of regret, and no hope, no shimmer of hope, despite the burning deep-yellow sun casting its light in this city more than anywhere else she has ever lived in. And wasn't that ironic … the irony of all ironies. "How unfair" Wasn't this a word she used all of the time in the last 20 years? No, no, stubbornly shaking her head, no time for cry-babies, and no time for looking into the past.

"Your ID please m'am" the officer at the airport demanded.

Yes, exactly, this is what she needed, a wake-up call. She was going to meet Addison and Jake soon, and she was going to give them everything she had, like only someone as generous as Amelia knew how to offer.

"Addie" she half-whispered, half cried, her face turning into a scrunch, when she took all of Addie's crushed facial features in.

They rested into each other's embrace for a good couple of moments. Jake was breathing a half sigh of relief that she was there, that some other woman who knew his wife well enough, was there and could give her some help, that was different than his. He wished from the bottom of his heart, that Amelia could make something, anything better. He clung onto this hope, but not nearly as much as Addison did.

The black and white room she was hoping would give her all the answers, make her Addison's savior and help redeem all the bad things she said and did to Addison, was quiet, with only the soft buzzing of the lights beaming out the x-rays of the child's brain. Her thinking was paralyzed. And she was gaining a whole new understanding why doctors shouldn't be doctors for their relatives and loved-ones. She tried so hard to squeeze out doctor worthy thoughts out of her brain, but all that came out was tears, bunching at the corner of her eye. The distant noise of Addison's familiar heels headed down the hallway of the hospital made her snap out of it. She wiped away every trace of humidity from her eyes, and straightened her white coat, taking a deep breath, and crossing her arms, waiting for Addison to make an entrance.

And an entrance she made.

"Amelia, what do you have for me?" she swiftly walked in, confronting Amelia as serious and composed as she ever was.

Amelia turned around, surprised to see Addison high on her horses and ready to make a kill. An Addison she had yet to see, but one that reminded her of past time. There was little time to figure it out fully though.

"Addison … I " She unconvincingly pointed to the x-rays and fumbled to spit out a few ideas but she didn't have any. Truth was she was under too much pressure, shock, and fear, and for so many reasons piling up in her mind.

Addison immediately felt the hesitation, and took no short time to jump at Amelia's throat.

"I was expecting you to have a solution by now. That's why you're one of the best goddam neurosurgeons on this coast for Christ's sake!"

"Addison, we need to think this[…]" she started with a pacifying voice, her shoulders slouching and head tilted with a mix of innocence and pity on her face. But furious Addison was having none of it.

"I can't believe it Amelia. Say something!' Addison's words were piercing hard, right into her soul, like bullets. It was a war of the innocent, it was unjust, but it was a war nonetheless, and the casualties were guaranteed.

"Say you know what you have to do, to save her" Addison's voice was getting higher pitched with every passing moment. And how could Amelia not understand that. Beneath Addison's aggressive voice, was the same despair that crushed Amelia when she found out about her unborn, brainless baby. With everything Amelia had experienced in her life until then, nothing could compare to that pain. She knew it and it killed her that this had to happen to Addison, and that she was still just as helpless. She would do anything to take this pain away from her beloved friend.

"You are going to save her! I can't have it any other way, so you better pull yourself together, because God knows your brother's gone now and there isn't anybody else!"

Amelia was alone with Charlotte who appeared just in time after Addison stormed out of the x-ray room, gently grabbing Amelia's shoulders first and then pulling her into a warm embrace, acting a buffer for Amelia's muffled cries.

Later that night, Amelia rested her head on a pillow in the hospital bed, curling into a fetal position. She felt like crying, but didn't. Meredith's words echoed in her head. She needed to hear those words over and over again, to keep herself together. Meredith gave her something that only Owen was able to give her, because everybody else threaded around her with care, like one would do with a sick child, worrying about her frailty: her mother, her brother, her older sisters, Addison, Ryan, James, her other boyfriends. Nobody could figure her out so well, yet be detached enough to deliver what she needed to hear to become a better person. Meredith, especially, didn't spare her. She treated her like the adult she should be. Meredith was strong, steady and stern in the face of adversity, and it was very slowly rubbing onto Amelia.

Tonight was cold and lonely. She wished Owen was there to hold her in his arms. She wanted to be reassured that she was going to pull through find a way to save Addison's daughter. But no, erase that thought. She was strong by herself. And she didn't need Owen or any other guy to cuddle her in order for her to feel better about herself or about the world. Meredith's words echoed again. She was going to power through this, because it was a choice and because she could. She was determined.

Just before she squeezed her eyes shut, her phone lit up.

Hey, hope you're well? You're on my mind all the time. Sorry I haven't been in touch in a while. Just wanted you to know I'm boarding a plane to Switzerland, need to take some time away from the city, apparently doctor's orders. I miss you. Owen

She had no time to react to this, because the door of the hospital bedroom opened and in the doorway stood James, her former fiancé.