They didn't need to feign surprise. They both knew of each other's imminent bump in, any moment now. But their hearts both skipped a beat at the sight of one another.

"I heard you came back, for Ella's case. Addison mentioned it"

"I did, as soon as I heard" She sighed heavily, and averted her face, now scrunched up into an almost-cry to a corner of the room, pulling her hand to her mouth. "I'm so sorry" she tried to mumble between sobs.

He didn't move much from the doorway, except to shut the door and the annoying light that kept barging into their little run-in. They didn't need it. They knew each other inside out. Heck, they nearly got married once, not so long ago.

"Ella didn't deserve this, and neither does Addison … Why do horrible things happen ?"

"Sometimes amazing things happen, and we're too blind or foolish to accept and let them into our lives. Life is not all darkness and gloom." He couldn't avoid a reference to the obvious event that has been eating him inside for months.

She gained some composure and wiped her nose from the sobs, to prepare for a response that James deserved, but never received, and one that he knew he wasn't going to receive in this moment.

"James, you have every right to hate my guts, for the rest of what remains of our lives, and I deserve everything drop of your hatred"

He stared into the semi-darkness, but couldn't reply.

"I'm assigned to Ella's case. In case Addison didn't tell you yet, I've been her main doctor for the past several months, and just recently we've transferred to Dr. Watson, our new neuro guy. What ideas do you have ?"

She sighed again, but only softly. Any which way James decided to treat her, was justified, and she was going to take it, no matter how hard. She wished she didn't have to, because she needed his support now more than ever – AGAIN – but she got herself into this, and she knew it well enough.

"I'm thinking of a direct anterior approach, through the main vessel, given the age, and freezing her to decrease chances of any damage, while . . ."

James wasn't listening, he was imagining her body, how it had changed during this past year, following their break-up, her features, her aging. This woman he thought was the love of his life, and how much she was capable of hurting him. So much so, that he couldn't find anybody else worthy of being allowed in again, not in a meaningful way. He still hated her guts. For it everything, the false hopes, the false love, obviously. And he hated himself for loving her. And he was going to show it to her. Boy, was he going to show it to her . . .

"What do you think?"

"You're the surgeon on the case, whatever you think works. It is Addison's child after all, and I'm sure you are well aware" He was employing the ignore tactic now. He didn't know why though.

His words stabbed her deeply, the flesh already hit so many times lately. Could it take another big blow ? This one was no regular blow however, it was a thunder reaching sharp and quick, splintering the flesh in half, leaving behind a gash that would grow deeper, reach the bone and seep out blood and puss for a while now. And Amelia had to live with it. She had to survive it. No drugs now to numb the pain.

James turned around and started to walk out.

"James, this won't fix anything at all, at all, but I am truly sorry for what I've done to you. I wish I wasn't such an idiot and a horrible person"

It didn't stop him from opening the door and slamming it hard behind him.

Amelia tried hard to go to sleep. The next day she would need to prepare the surgery with Dr. Watson, and walk the team through the procedure she was going to perform. Not before glancing at her phone again, checking for any messages from Owen.

"Dr. Watson! Very nice to meet you!" Amelia greeted her fellow miracle-maker.

"I heard some amazing things about you, Dr. Shepherd, and I couldn't be happier to be working on this with you, especially since it's a case so close to our home" He threaded, glancing nervously towards Dr. King, as if for some reassurance that whatever Amelia was going to attempt, it had to be damn good.

"She is the amazing Dr. Shepherd indeed" Charlotte nodded looking down at Amelia with a smile large as Alabama and a sense of pride, that only a person who was by Amelia's side at her worst moments, could have.

"Let's brief the team then" and Amelia together with Charlotte led the way to the meeting room, filled with eyes ready to lock the target on her. One pair of eyes was familiar, and that was James, who as one of Ella's previous doctors, was attending as well.

"Happy to have you on the team folks. Let me walk you through what we're going to be doing tomorrow"

After a couple of muffled "wows" and "ahhhs", the group of nurses, residents, and assistants on Ella's case listened carefully as Dr. Shepherd wrapped up her presentation.

"And that will give us a stable patient, tumor free, very likely for the rest of her life. Now, I'm looking forward to working with you all tomorrow as Dr. Watson and I will be working to deliver this miracle, together with your support. Now I have some preparatory tasks for a couple of you, so if I could ask Dr. Watson, Dr. Peterson, Dr. Sheffield . . ."

After the easy things were taken care of, Amelia now needed to actually field the hard part of the day: talking to the family. But, unlike previous times, she knew she needed a strong ally.

"Hi, Ella-bug! Look who's here" Amelia greeted her little patient.

"Aunt Amy!" the child nearly leaped from her bed with enthusiasm.

Ella didn't have much chance to bond with Amelia, because she hadn't really visited lately, but she was still an important part of her life and her parents' life.

"Ella, how are you feeling today?"

"Happy to see you! How come you came ? Is it because . . . I'm really sick ?"

Amelia's face saddened at Ella's words, but still, she pushed on.

"Actually Ella-bug, I am here to bring you something." And Amelia pulled the present from Zola out of a plastic bag. "This is from Zola; now you don't know Zola, but Zola is a little girl about your age, who I know you'll meet one day soon. Zola was really sad to hear you're sick and she wanted you to have this to cheer you up."

"Mommy, look at this! It's so cute, thank you aunt Amy!" Addison smiled, as she towered between Charlotte and Jake.

"And I brought some good news Ella: I'll be performing the surgery tomorrow, to get you rid of the big bad boo-boo."

"You will? Did you hear that mommy? Aunt Amy will do the surgery!" she squealed.

"What a lucky little girl you are Miss Ella" Charlotte chipped in to boost the good mood going around because she knew pretty soon, Addison would be shredding it all into pieces.

"How do you feel about the surgery sweetheart?"

"Now that I know you're doing it, I'm not scared anymore!"

Amelia smiled as she caressed the child's forehead, and leaned in to plant a kiss on her. She was reasonably pleased with the state of her patient, and now it was time to move on less easy-to-please individuals.

In a separate room, Amelia pulled up the scans, and videos to show the parents and Charlotte how she was going to approach the surgery.

"Amelia, this is highly experimental" Jake interjected half-way through, with doubt weighing his entire mimic down to his shoulders and his stance. But it didn't deter Amelia one bit, who continued:

"It's the best chance and I can give her, and I am the most qualified surgeon to attempt this to save her life"

Addison was eerily quiet, and that disturbed Amelia more than the wave of questions that Jake had to fire at her. But together with her trusted ally Charlotte, all the questions were fielded and put into perspective such that Jake came around.

"What do you think honey?"

Silence filled the room, and Addison, for once had no reaction. Just sadness in her eyes. The fight had worn her down, leaving the way for something worse. They all stared at her expectantly, waiting, and hoping none of them will need to ask her if she's ok. Because that would have been the dumbest question of all. For their sake, a crackling voice emerged:

"Amelia, I called you here because I know you're the best I could offer my child. But I swear to God Amelia, you better rise to the expectation and save Ella's life" she barely finished, sobbing hard now, and nearly inaudibly continued "because you're the only hope we have!".

Jake cradled Addison into her arms, and Charlotte assured them both that Amelia will be doing her best. "Otherwise she knows I'll be the first in line to kick her butt from here all the way to Alabama like she ain't seen before"

Amelia would have chuckled in better times, but all she did was thanked herself in her mind, for being wise enough to have the courage and ask Charlotte for help and support in this difficult time.

She exited the room and tried to make small talk to Charlotte about dinner plans at the Friedman house later that night. She was excited to see the little girls who were all grown up and "misbehavin'" according to their mother, but Amelia couldn't hide her tears. And the next thing she knew Charlotte pulled her into a nearby supply closet room, where she gave Amelia a Southern hug, cupping her cheeks in her hands and wiping her tears away.

"Sweetheart, what you are doing is so immensely difficult and brave, and I am so proud you have the strength to do it and the strength to ask me to be there for you". Amelia smiled and nodded shortly after cradling her head into Charlotte's shoulder.

Once they regained some composure they got out only to run right into her ex-fiance.

"Dr. Shepherd" James interrupted them. "May I have a word?"

Charlotte retired to allow them privacy and reminded Amelia they'll be waiting for her at 7 sharp for an all-southern meal.

"There's concern I have with the procedure tomorrow, especially the freezing. According to research I made, the freezing would negatively impact the post-op recovery and also may produce certain organ failure during the procedure"

"You're not trusting my assessment and my surgery, even though earlier this morning when I asked you, you said. . ."

He cut her off mid-sentence: "It's very risky, yes, and I would hate to go in there, only to back down half-way through"

"There's no way for us to know what will happen tomorrow"

"I'd rather not wait and see. I'd rather go down the route of a more risk-averse procedure."

"A less risky procedure wouldn't offer the results this procedure would, and the long-term benefits this procedure would"

"It's Addison's child!" he silently screamed at her, but not to get revenge, just because he was the caring, loving, concerned guy he always had been.

"I know whose child it is ! And that is why I'm doing this because it's the best damn shot she's got a normal life!"

"What do you know about a normal life ? For all it's worth, if it doesn't go according to plan, you'll just up and leave! You never think of the aftermath, do you? Or the consequences?!"

Amelia slapped him, stopping him from continuing this tireless tirade he was embarking on. If there's one thing she has learned in rehab, is, she may be making mistakes, but she doesn't need to accept unjust accusations. To claim, she didn't weigh the aspect of who Ella was enough, was ridiculous. There was almost nobody else Amelia loved more than Addison, or owed more to, than to Addison.

James stormed off, and Amelia was left to pick the pieces of herself that had just been demolished after this fresh exchange. She regretted losing it for a moment, she knew James would be upset and would vent his madness in all possible ways. She should have kept her cool. Then again, she's not very good at that.

The dreadful day arrived and after witnessing a tearful goodbye between Jake, Addison, and Ella, from the comfort of sitting behind the glass window, Amelia dragged her feet to OR, waiting for Dr. Watson to join her in the scrubbing room. She wishes so bad she didn't need to be in this position. It was draining her of any energy she had, digging at her emotions. And having James there with his wrath, which was justified, was no help. The only help she had was from Charlotte. And unlike past times, she made very sure she went to Charlotte for help and talking every time even the weirdest thought crept into her mind. She was learning from her painful mistakes in the past. And she was getting a whole new understanding of why doctors shouldn't operate on their own families. Her thoughts drifted to Meredith, and how Meredith was right. No matter what, Addison loved her and would always love her regardless of how this surgery would go. She is the best damn doctor around, but not God and Addison knows that. More importantly, she herself needed to tell herself that and believe that. Any mistake is not because she's a bad person. Her gaze lifted from the sink to the OR room, steadying herself with her arms stretched out. The window was the only thing dividing her from one of the hardest days of her life. But also possibly her best. The chance to save a loved one's life. And after all, that is why she became a doctor. The signature Shepherd smile etched her face, bringing with it a familiar view. Derek standing there, right on the other side of the glass. Tall and handsome and smiling, but with his arms crossed looking at her. He half-turned around to gaze at Ella, but then back at Amelia, asking her "You're going to save this kid's life today, aren't you? Because it's all in your hands now Amy. You are the new God of neuro".

He was right, there was nobody to hide behind now. There was only her, and she was going to step up to the plate, she needed to now become the person she most admired in her life. To fill that gap the best way she can. To become Derek, for her own sake, now that she didn't have him to lean on. To become Derek for the kids, and for Meredith, and for Derek's former wife. There was no more running. Too many people depended on her now.

"Amelia" Charlotte burst in, out of breath, which made Amelia jerk and nearly hit her hands on the edge of the sink.

"Dr. Watson can't make it for today's surgery, he's been in a car accident!" Charlotte's eyes were about to pop out, with concern about the surgery and whether it could still be performed or not.

"Who else can do this?" Just like the calm water of a lake receiving a stone throw into its depths, so did she absorb the shock of the news, with just a flinch, subsiding with every split second that passed, ultimately dissolving, only to return to a flat, serene, mirror -like surface.

"The back-up neurosurgeon is on leave"

"This leaves us with… a resident, Dr. Peterson or Dr. Sheffield." Charlotte hesitantly continued.

Without freaking out as would have been expected Amelia firmly assessed the situation.

"Sheffield is peds, he won't be helping me much. I need somebody who can keep their cool"

"Then it's James." After a short pause, and a glance that spoke volumes about both of their concern with regards to the history between James and her, and how that might interfere with the surgery Charlotte made the call. This was her hospital after all.

"I will call James, and give him the low-down, on the only thing that should be going on between the two of you down there. Which is how to perfectly communicate to save Ella's life."

Amelia smiled gracefully and got back to her scrubbing sighing with relief.

"It's a beautiful day to save lives, folks" and with that Amelia started to make the first incision on Ella's brain.

The waiting room was sordid, Spartan and joyless. And it was so familiar to both Addison and Jake, but not in this way. Not with their flesh pressed against those chairs, and their eyes darting from one wall to another, round and then back to fixating a blank space between the tip of the shoe and the tiles surrounding it. It all but looked like a jail. A prison, holding hope in chains, while despair and nightmares were gleefully running about, circling and teasing it hard. This is how one could describe the torment in Addison's, or any mother's, soul in those moments. The cold merciless force of the universe was pressing down on Addison, whose strength and sense of self were dissolving as rapidly as her rationality. The cold tiles made for an unwelcoming landing, as she slid off her chair breaking down in sobs. But Jake's arms were there, strong and steady around her, not allowing her to be swallowed by the misery clawing at their lives.

"James, I need you to move one inch to the left with the clamp"

"Sure thing"

"How is the freezing holding up ? What's the temp?"

"It's all looking good, just under 10 degrees still"

"Looks like we're on a good track, let's make sure we keep it this way"

James was silent. He conflicted about what he should think right now. He was wary of the procedure, but it seemed Amelia was doing fine so far, so he could choose to be hopeful. Which he tried, despite him being so mad at her. Mad about her recklessness. He couldn't deal with that, couldn't understand where that was coming from, why couldn't she think of others too, not just herself. Why couldn't she see that her recklessness and instability was hurting others? Was hurting him.

Loud beeps filled the room, and Ella's state had deteriorated all of sudden. Amelia was startled.

"What on earth is this?" She yelled as she quickly spun around looking for the source of the beeps.

"It's the BP dropping. There must a bleed somewhere"

"Where?! It can't be the brain" She entered info full panic mode

"It's not the brain. The freezing could have easily affected other organs, and we need to open her up"

"Damn it, damn it"

"I got this, you could work on the brain and I will get a hold of the bleed. Alright folks, start pushing 4 of epi. "

"It's all good now Ella, we've got this, it's all good, you just stay here sweetheart . . . There we go, good girl" Amelia cooed to the head of her precious little patient, as it was now all in James hands.

The beeps had considerably subsided, but half an hour had passed.

"Dr. Peterson say something, what is going on!? Amelia had been getting more and more anxious as time passed by, and as she felt less and less in control. The fear of losing Ella was clawing its way into her vulnerable body and mind, engulfing slowly the glow that Derek's apparition had brought her.

"The BP is still high but more manageable. Get me a new x-ray of her chest now." James kept his eyes peeled to the monitor to spot the second bleed. The first one he identified fast, but the second one wasn't as easy to find. And it seemed it was taking ages.

"James, please say something, say you found the bleed." No response came back. She glanced to the gallery where Charlotte had her hands glued to the glass and leaning in, but ready to take on the intercom.

A soft murmur could be heard now. Amelia was losing it, softly chanting something inaudible to herself.

"Amelia, I know you mean well, and I know this is a desperate situation, but you need to trust me"

The words and the calm of his voice reminded her of Derek. This is what Derek would have told her. Her mind had now been directed towards Derek, and the glow started to light up inside of her again, helping her regain her composure. And with that composure, she saw James in a light, that she had seen him in before, during many loving moments they shared. But somehow a light that she couldn't contain inside of herself, that she couldn't nurture enough to commit to him.

"There we go, the bleed is around the liver, it's tiny but mighty. Clamp. Now look at how we're going to quench this little bugger . . ."

Amelia pushed her body forward, with only the force of her pure will, as for energy, it had dissipated some 14 hours ago, when the surgery started. Her head was spinning, her eyes were stinging her, and she was mildly nauseous. She should take the next step in post-op protocol. But instead, she let herself slide against down against the wall, pulling her scrub cap off as she went. She tried to talk to herself, in order not to fall asleep, but footsteps approached her. James kneeled down, with an armful of Snickers and water, as well as an ice pack. She smiled in return, and boy did she have a smile. But he looked away, soon after he noticed it.

"Oh God, I can't thank you enough" she slowly tore open the packaging and she started digging in, as he got up, and slowly started walking away. Her gaze was fixed on him walking away, distancing himself through the doors of the hospital. Hallways of life, and doors of choices, decisions. She always seemed to enter the places of pain. By choice or chance?

And yet sometimes, there were places of joy she would enter. And so, and pushed herself up and towards a room which was about to be transformed. Because after all, nothing is ever permanent, but merely in a state of change.