A/N: Again, not late! Yeah ;)

I mostly use the italic for sentences written in English but meant to be in another language, be it Trigedasleng or Italian. And if there are no " " it's someone's thoughts.

I'm sorry if there are mistakes, English is not my language.

Also... I'm looking for a beta to go over the story and help me with a few points and to get new ideas, so if you want to help me, contact me on tumblr my username is justawordunsaid or on twitter Sara_NobodyO

If you like it, please leave a review! Enjoy!


Chapter Sixteen: Torn to pieces

Lexa rides without seeing anything, her horse leads the way on safe path, but the images before the brunette's eyes are too terrible for her to free herself. The Queen can't have Clarke, Lexa should have done something more than just send scouts for her, she should have sent her best warriors looking for her, taking her back safe. She knew Tecla was looking for Wanheda, she knew and she didn't do enough to prevent her from finding Clarke.

Wanheda. That title hunts her too, because she knows it must hunt Clarke. If she had known all the regret, all the pain that losing Clarke and putting her in danger would have cost Lexa, she wouldn't have taken that deal. She should be preparing for a war, she should be studying plans to protect her people, instead she's blindly riding through the woods in the middle of the night. All because she's too broken to let the Commander take control, all the shattered pieces of her soul have finally pierced the Commander's armour and the girl beneath is fighting tooth and nail to overpower the Commander's spirit. And Lexa may feel weak, but she doesn't notice that, for what might very much be the first time, she is indeed overpowering the Commander, she's stronger than the Spirit, driven by something that she was taught to forget, something the Commander can't even begin to match in power.

Lexa wonders if Clarke felt like this when she was left to face the Mountain alone, she knows how much Clarke loved her friends and she can't help but wonder if this is what she put the sky girl through when she left her there. It wasn't only death and killing Clarke had to face, she also had to stand through this feeling of utter desperation. Lexa feels broken, empty, she feels nothing but the desperate need to find Clarke, she has never felt like this before. And realising that it's probably how Clarke felt when she abandoned her makes Lexa hate herself even more. She caused Clarke so much pain, but she vows that she won't ever do that again. If she finds Clarke alive, if she gets there in time to see the beautiful smile held in those blue eyes again she will never hurt, betray, leave the girl behind again. She will do anything in her power and more to get Clarke to forgive her, if that's even possible, she will stand through everything Clarke wants to throw at her, she will give herself up to the girl she's so desperate to save and to love.


The last soldier she killed the day they lost Clarke told her that troupes are coming to take care of the south villages and they won't be able to stop them. He told her the habitants' lives are in their hands, they can either surrender or run and hide, as long as they don't interfere with the Queen's plans, if they comply maybe some of their people will be spared. Rokh reported the warning from the woman who took Clarke and after the soldier's threat she knew they had the means to keep their promise. If they went after Clarke, innocent people would die. They didn't have time to protect the people from the village, warn the other rebels in Cristallo, Malaya and Liri so that they could help fight the incoming soldiers, and save Clarke all at the same time. Nyx had to make a choice. Clarke had already told her which one to make.

Faith was desperate and furious, she was angry at Nyx and the others for even wasting time discussing. She wanted to run after Clarke immediately, the group that took her wasn't numerous, they were ten at most and the rebels could have saved Clarke easily. But Nyx knew they would kill her before letting them get her back, if they couldn't take her to the Queen they would at least kill her. Chayim knew they didn't have time to go after Clarke if they wanted to protect the people and Wit argued angrily before giving in to the truth. Faith had stormed out the room then, leaving all the others stunned because they'd rarely ever seen her like that. Astrid cried, Rokh felt more and more guilty, Nyx was exhausted and Xavier tried to keep the group together.

Eventually Goral had started to discuss the plan to keep their people safe and get messages to Cristallo and the other south villages to protect themselves. They had no idea were Malaya and Liri could be, so sending messages to as many villages as they could was the best option.

To Nyx none of it felt real. She couldn't believe Clarke was actually gone.

It still doesn't feel real, as she rides into the forest with some others. Faith is right behind her, no one has been able to get her to stay away with Astrid and Nyx understands. Her mind hurts from thinking too much about the blonde and from being blank at the same time. She remembers feeling like this before, she's never been good at losing people, but at the time she couldn't protect them, she wasn't a rebel, she wasn't a warrior, now it hurts even more because she could have protected her friend. But she wasn't there to do so. She should have kept an eye out for Clarke and gone with her when she ran to Astrid. Hell, she should have known the blonde would have gone to the girl as soon as she saw the road was full of soldiers. Instead she lost herself in the fight and Clarke had been captured.

As she looks at Wit at her other side she remembers how excruciatingly slow the morning went while they decided what to do. She had left the room when the others had started discussing plans, outside she had found Faith angrily throwing punches at a tree at the side of the street. She remembers thinking about whether to approach her or not and deciding against it when the girl had let out a cry of rage. Faith needed to get it out so Nyx had left, walking slowly down the road. She had pondered about Clarke's words and the soldier's threats, she had considered every option, from a possible bluffing to a threat bigger than they thought. She had tortured herself with all the possible outcomes, she'd tried to convince herself to do as Clarke asked her to. But eventually she had had to come to terms with the fact that she is a rebel, not a soldier. She fights for what she believes in, not obeying orders, she fights for life, not survival, she fights with passion, not strategy alone. She fights for her people, not to win a war. And then she had had her answer.

She had gone back to the others and explained what she wanted to do, she had left them no options whatsoever, they could either follow her or not. They had followed.

Passion back in their eyes they had started over, discussing different plans and considering their chances at success. Then Meike had pointed something out and Nyx had cursed herself for not thinking about it before.

The soldier said troupes where coming no matter what, he said so in spirit of revenge while he spat out his last breaths. The warrior who took Clarke posed a threat to stop them from going after the girl, a possibility, not a certain fact. So what about those troupes? Both soldiers had seemed confident in back ups, but they had different ideas of when and why those back ups were to arrive. And suddenly Nyx had understood.

They were at war with the other clans, of course the Queen would send some men to the south, to the only short border to the trikru lands. Ice was surrounded by its allies, except for that short length of border south of Cristallo, the one Clarke crossed stumbling in their lands. It made sense that the Queen would want to be safe and send some minor troupes to guard it. But the troupes didn't pose a threat to the rebels themselves, they were simply a threat as any group of soldiers, and they didn't know about Clarke. Of course the woman could get them a message, but if they were smart she wouldn't have time to do so.

Nyx had decided then to send a message to Cristallo, the rebels who stayed there would be able to take care of the problem if they involved rebels from the other villages. She had divided their little team and left Meike, Goral, Jivin and Xavier with Chayim to handle the situation and organize the escape and eventual defence with the people of the village who joined them. They had to completely avoid those troupes, they couldn't fight them or the Queen would be informed of the threat they were starting to become to her throne. If they could gather the other rebels who joined them, they could all escort the other people in the villages to safe camps out of the soldiers' way. The soldiers would find the villages deserted and that could indeed be suspicious, but if they had some volunteers, possibly old people, staying back in the villages, they could pretend people moved from the borders to avoid the eventual battles that could soon happen there. It would make sense for old people to stay behind, and the soldiers would likely have no interest in killing them. People talk so it's surely not a secret that they're at war, even for those more isolated villages, and in time of war habitants do try to get away from the borders.

Nyx had then taken Faith, Wit and Rokh – who had been dead set on going with them, still feeling like it had somehow been his fault that Clarke was taken – and they had ridden off into the forests.

They assume the soldiers have horses and carts so they'll be slower than Nyx's group and this should allow the four friends to catch up with them before they reach the capital. They will have to do quick job of the soldiers and let no one escape or the consequences will be way more than what they can handle.

They've been riding no stop since the morning and they should probably take a break for the night, but as she suggests so she hears Faith grunting her disapproval and they sprint on for some more time. She knows the girl won't stop until it's too dark to ride safely and she understands all too well what brings her to push herself so much.

She falls back into her thoughts as they keep spurring the horses. Her mind is a dark place right now, all she can think about is what could happen, the worst scenarios dance in front of her eyes and she feels like she might go crazy before they even find Clarke. She has kept her rage at bait so far, but she's looking forward to let it all out on the soldiers.

I'm sorry Clarke. I can't do what you ask of me, I have to at least try and do the right thing. She can't let the girl go, that's just not who she is, she doesn't leave friends behind. She became a rebel to avoid feeling so powerless in saving the people she cares about ever again and she's not going to back down now. It won't be easy to get Clarke back, they could lose, they could be taken, they could put everyone at risk, it could all blow up in their faces, but they have to at least try. Wit feels they own it to Clarke, Rokh feels it's the least he can do after letting the Queen's men take her, Faith just finds it unacceptable to leave a friend in danger and Nyx simply knows that she can't let her go. She would do it for anyone of her people, but she feels like it hurts more because it's Clarke and there's a strange connection between the two of them that Nyx is not ready to give up. She knows she wouldn't feel like this if it were Goral instead of Clarke, but she would feel the same if it were Faith, Wit, Chayim, Malaya, Aeryn... She knows what it means. Faith, Wit, Aeryn, those friends are her family and she never stops fighting for her family. Yet she just met Clarke, she shouldn't feel like this; but she can't ignore how her chest feels thigh, how her eyes burn against the cold air, how her whole body is strained in desire of killing each soldier who helped capture Clarke.

The horses couldn't be fast enough, she grunts in exasperation a couple of time, sensing the same tension emanating from Faith in waves. She knows the girl has really bounded with Clarke as well and she knows how emotional the young rebel gets when it comes to friends. She just hopes Faith won't get herself killed acting on the rage that sparkles in her eyes.

Faith couldn't believe that the others had even thought about not trying to save Clarke, she was so sure Nyx would have gone after her as soon as she knew that when she actually discussed about it the girl felt incredibly angry at her friends. It tasted a bit like betrayal at first when she watched Nyx just sit there and think about whether to go after Clarke or not. There was nothing to decide according to Faith, they simply don't leave friends behind, she learned it from Nyx herself.

Even now as she rides rage consumes her, she's still pissed at her friends and she can't wait until she finally has one of those soldiers through her sword. She's never been a violent person, she never liked violence or revenge, but right now she wants nothing more than to kill that woman who used her to take Clarke.

Though the person Faith is the most angry at is herself, Rokh blames himself, but so does she. If only she had been a better fighter, if only she had fought harder, if only she... But ifs count nothing now and all that counts is whether she'll be able to do better next time, she knows that and she promises herself she will. Even as she runs at her rescue she feels like she has let Clarke down, she promised her friend she would have taken care of Astrid, but that's not what she's doing. The child stayed behind with the others, Xavier vowing to keep her safe no matter what, but Faith feels like he's doing her job. She's sorry she left the little girl alone, but she couldn't stay behind, she needs to be with the group that's trying to save Clarke. Astrid will be fine with Xavier though, the boy is the best when it comes to children, so they won't have problems.

She wills the horse to go faster, knowing they'll soon have to stop for the night. She wishes they could ride in the darkness and reach Clarke as soon as possible, but she knows they would just get themselves killed instead of helping their friend.

When they do stop she helps Wit lighting a small fire and she tries to keep herself busy until there's nothing more to do except for sleep and she has to fight the tears that threaten to come back again. She has cried enough the first day, now she must be strong and rest so that she'll be ready to ride all day long tomorrow.

She stares at the fire before closing her eyes and watching the shadows of flames dance inside her eyelids. She thinks about Clarke's stories of space to calm herself and eventually she falls asleep.

Nyx is not that lucky, she's unable to sleep for most of night and keeps guard much longer than the others, taking Faith's turn too. Her conversation with Clarke on the balcony few days ago keeps coming back to her and she wonders, wonders, wonders if she's making the right choice. She wonders if this could ever be a wrong choice. And of course her mind keeps thinking about where Clarke is now, how she is, whether she's hurt or maybe starving, she's probably cold, surely tied up, she could be beaten, she could be injured, she could... Nyx wills herself to stop thinking because her mind is driving her crazy and to save Clarke she needs to be able to think clearly and be smart, not a mess of worry and anger.

When sleep finally grants her access to the unconscious world of darkness, it's a hunted sleep, a troubled one and in the morning she doesn't feel rested at all. She dreams of her brother killed by the soldiers, she dreams of Aeryn, she dreams of when she became a rebel with Malaya at her side, and she dreams of Clarke, she sees the blonde telling the rebels her true identity and then she sees the Queen killing her slowly. She wakes in sweat when the sun is yet to rise, but she decides going back to sleep is not an option so she starts to get ready for another awful day.