A/N: Thank you to the kind reviewers. This chapter's for you. Happy Belated V-day! =)


February. Hitsugaya had been dreading this month's meeting for weeks. He had considered not coming at all, mulling over various excuses that his fukutaichou had used on him before, but had failed to come up with a plausible one that he could pull off. After all, it wouldn't be nearly as believable if he were to double over from cramps. He frowned to himself as the other captains entered the large Assembly Hall. Most of them wore a similar annoyed expression or no expression at all. His eyes shifted to Kyōraku who stood on his left. The jovial captain's eyes shone briefly and Hitsugaya wondered if he was actually excited for this tedious event. Suddenly, the sound of metal grinding interrupted his thoughts and in came the Shinigami, bringing in the month's mail from the Living World. He glanced over at the soutaichou and as expected, found him asleep in his chair. Hitsugaya huffed as he reached out for a red envelope.

"Oh, cheer up, Tōshirō-kun! You always get wonderful fan mail!" Kyōraku gave the shorter captain a wide smile and ruffled his pearly white hair a little.

Hitsugaya pulled away, tugging at his strands to restore the order that Kyōraku had ruined. As he fiddled with his hair, Kyōraku picked up the red envelope that Hitsugaya had just opened and pulled out a small booklet. He flipped through the pages as Hitsugaya muttered under his breath, still working on his hair.

"Shiro-kun, this is awesome! This girl sent you a book of coupons. Look at this... A free back rub... A foot massage... A home-cooked meal... A... Oh." Kyōraku's voice dropped and a blush fell across his cheeks.

Suddenly curious at Kyōraku's reaction, Hitsugaya snatched the booklet from his hands and read it for himself. His eyes went wide immediately and a blush twice as red as Kyōraku's washed over his face. Kurotsuchi, standing to Hitsugaya's right, noticed the two captains' odd behaviour and looked down to see what they were reading.

"A blow job," Kurotsuchi stated, loud enough for everyone to hear.

The air in the Assembly Hall went still and everyone kind of stopped what they were doing. No one looked up, but the silence was definitely an awkward one. A few faces tinged pink while some held back smirks.

"I don't get it. Is that some kind of explosive?" Kurotsuchi was beginning to feel rather annoyed as he was the captain of the 12th Division and the President of the Shinigami Research Institute and should know more than the others. It bothered him to no end that the other captains shared an understanding about something he had no clue about. He made a mental note to himself that he would have to expand his data banks to include more information about the Living World and their kind.

"No, Kurotsuchi-taichou, it's not," Unohana replied, politely. She could hear Kurotsuchi's irritation in his voice and the last thing she wanted was a dispute during an already tiresome endeavour. However, she wasn't ready to be the one to explain it to him either.

Even though Kurotsuchi was not satisfied with Unohana's brief response, he had no choice but to carry on as everyone else had resumed their tasks and he knew he would not be able to get an answer out of any of them. He grumbled to himself as he skimmed over yet another letter reprimanding him for his treatment of his daughter. Stupid humans. They know nothing, he fumed inwardly.

"Say, any more naked photos this month, Byakuya-kun?" Kyōraku asked, unable to contain his eagerness.

"No, they're clothed," came the passive reply.

Although disappointed, Kyōraku still sauntered over to Kuchiki to glance at the photo that he was currently looking at. His thick dark eyebrows shot up and he had to pinch his nose to prevent a nosebleed. In a suggestive pose, a pretty woman was on all fours, sticking her buttocks in the air, looking back over her shoulder with a seductive gaze and a finger between her lips. Her behind, the body part closest to the lens appeared even larger and rounder given her position in front of the camera. At the top of her rump was a large white fluffy bunny's tail. White fishnet stockings covered her bare legs and as far as Kyōraku could tell, she wasn't wearing a top. At the bottom corner of the photo was a perfect lip imprint in bright pink lipstick. Underneath, it read, "Happy Valentine's Day! XOXO".

"Bya-kun... You call this clothing?" Kyōraku choked out incredulously.

Kuchiki shrugged, handing the photo over to Kyōraku. He was aware that the older captain had been taking them from his pile. He didn't really want to know why, but it wasn't like he kept them anyway. He picked up another envelope, hoping Kyōraku would now leave him alone.

Kyōraku beamed at Kuchiki as he deftly tucked the photo away and skipped back to his spot to resume his chore.

Suddenly, Kenpachi's booming voice drew everyone's attention at once.

"I don't get it," he hollered, holding up a ruler with a tag dangling from one end.

"What does it say?" Suì-Fēng asked, clearly annoyed at being interrupted yet again.

"You rule." Kenpachi's forehead creased as he turned the ruler around and around in his large hands.

Suì-Fēng arched a single eyebrow as she looked at the giant captain studying the plain wooden ruler.

"It's a play on words. That's a ruler and your fan thinks you 'rule'. Like, you're cool." Suì-Fēng shook her head at him and resumed reading her own letter.

Understanding dawned on Kenpachi and he broke out in a loud raucous laugh.

"That's clever! I'm going to save this for Yachiru. She'll like this!"

"Speaking of mysteries, I keep getting the same poem in all of these letters. Well, different variations, but they all contain the same error. Or, I think it's an error." Komamura was scratching the side of his head with one paw. Usually a quiet member during these meetings, everyone was surprised to hear him speak and stopped what they were doing to listen to his riddle.

"They all say, 'Roses are red, Violets are blue'... But, aren't violets purple?"

The captains all gave it some thought. Then, collectively, they decided that violets were indeed purple.

"Maybe the violets in the Living World are blue," Unohana offered.

A few heads nodded in assent.

"Suì-Fēng, I couldn't help but notice that you've received many black envelopes. I hope your fans are treating you kindly," Unohana said, gently to the younger Shinigami beside her.

"Oh, they are. You see, I really like black cats, so my fans have written their letters on special stationery," Suì-Fēng explained, showing Unohana the letterhead littered with black cats making various faces.

"Ah, I see." Unohana smiled in relief.

"What about you?" Suì-Fēng asked the gentle and kind 4th Captain. She returned her smile, knowing that the older Shinigami had her best interests in mind. "What are your interests? Do your fans know?"

"I get a lot of dried pressed herbs. I think our fans are wonderful," she answered with a gracious smile.

"Shunsui-kun, you should come see this," Ukitake suddenly called out.

Kyōraku hopped over the remaining letters in the middle and crossed over to the slender and graceful captain.

"What is it, Shirō-kun?" Kyōraku stood beside Ukitake so that he could see what he was referring to.

"Fan art," Ukitake said, softly.

Kyōraku looked at the sheet of paper Ukitake held and blinked.

"Ah..." Kyōraku had no words.

Ukitake smiled sheepishly at his friend. He had no words either.

"What? What is it?" Kenpachi bellowed from their side. He was bored and he hoped that they had something entertaining for him.

"N-Nothing! Nothing at all, Zaraki-kun," Kyōraku quickly replied. He had ripped the page from Ukitake's fingers and was now holding it behind his back.

Kenpachi narrowed his eye at Kyōraku, anger and amusement dancing across his features.

"Show me," he growled.

Kenpachi reached forward but Kyōraku shunpo'ed back a few feet. By now, Kenpachi was grinning like a lunatic.

"We will settle this with a fight! You must show me if you lose!"

Kenpachi leaped forward, knocking over piles of mail around him. Kyōraku darted between the other captains, escaping his reach. Kenpachi continued to chase Kyōraku around the room for a few minutes until all of a sudden, the deep voice of the soutaichou startled everyone.

"What is this foolishness in my Assembly Hall? Stop it at once!" He commanded.

Begrudgingly, Kenpachi returned to his spot in the hall and Kyōraku slid back to his place as well, relieved that he did not have to show Kenpachi the fan art. He gripped it firmly behind his back as the soutaichou addressed them.

"Is there anything for me?"

Every head perked up at the sound of the soutaichou's question. Even Kuchiki was surprised to hear that their First Captain held any interest in these trivial human fancies. They looked at one another, sharing the same look and reaction. Who was going to answer him? Finally, Unohana cleared her throat.

"No, sir. We haven't yet come across any so far."

Yamamoto nodded. He eyed the thinning pile in the middle. It looked like the meeting was nearly over.

"I'll be in my office then. You can alert me if any sensitive information is discovered."

Even though Yamamoto knew very well that they only ever got fan mail, he had to remind them that there really was a purpose to this monthly meeting that he knew they all hated. He walked out of the room, pausing twice briefly. Once, to cast a warning gaze at Kenpachi, and then at his pupil, Kyōraku.

When Yamamoto's reiatsu faded from the room, Hitsugaya plucked the paper from Kyōraku's hand. Kyōraku's grip had relaxed quite a bit since he had returned to his spot and he was unprepared when Hitsugaya suddenly removed it from his fingers.

"Hey!" Kyōraku yelped, making a grab for the piece of paper, but Hitsugaya was too fast for him.

Hitsugaya burst out laughing as he waved the fan art around in the air. The other captains stepped closer to see what he was trying to show them. Kenpachi took it first. One glance at it and he also fell over with laughter. One by one, they passed the sheet of paper around until it had made its round and returned to Ukitake, who now stood rigidly in his spot, pink flushed across his delicate features. In his hand, the fan art done in pencil crayon starred two captains, drawn with amazing detail. Against a cherry blossom tree, Kyōraku sat with his back against the tree trunk. His hair was neatly tied back and all around him were falling cherry blossoms. In his arms was a silver-haired captain with long locks flowing in the wind. The two were looking into one another's eyes with passion finely drawn into their pupils.

"Our fans have quite the imagination," Kyōraku mumbled, embarrassed.

"There, there." Hitsugaya simpered, patting Kyōraku on the back, mockingly.

"Last one." This time, it was Komamura who announced it, as he held up a single ivory envelope.

The rest of the captains watched on as Komamura turned it over in his hand. They guessed that this one also didn't have an addressee because after two more flips, he ripped it open with a clawed finger.

"Dear Yamamoto-soutaichou, I was wondering if you got my first letter? I haven't heard back from you. It would really mean the world to me if you'd be my Valentine this year. Roses are red, violets are blue, all of your captains are sexy, but not as sexy as you!" Komamura read the note in full, his voice deep and unwavering even as he declared his love for the soutaichou.

The captains looked at one another. They wondered if Komamura was blushing underneath all the fur. Then, they all turned to Kyōraku at once and Komamura promptly dropped the letter into his hands. Before Kyōraku could protest, they all shunpo'ed from the Assembly Hall, leaving him behind to deliver the letter to their soutaichou.