Oh my lover, my lover, my love.
We can never go back.
We can only do our best to recreate.
Don't turn over, turn over the page,
we should rip it straight out.
Then let's try our very best to fake it.
-Bastille - Fake it.
A/N- Wanted to say thanks so much for all the support through this. And also, I wouldn't be able to post this chapter without giving a note to that midseason finale. How incredible was that? I had zero expectations and came out of it in an emotional wreck. I'm torn between being majorly upset because Jessica was one of my all time favourite characters and I feel so broken up over her leaving, but am also crazily excited that Darvey began 'formulating'. Can't wait to see where they go with this. As always, any feedback is welcome!
Donna approached Rachel's room with caution. She could see from here that the younger girl was awake and being tended to by a nurse. She stepped back and observed for a moment, allowing the nurse to do her job first. Rachel looked good. The first thing Donna noticed was the slight gleam to her cheeks and how she had her normal tanned colour back. She was chatting to the nurse and smiling as the nurse cleaned her up and checked her vitals. In fact, she looked pretty normal to Donna with only one machine, a cannula, connected to her wrist.
As Donna waited for the right moment, she suddenly felt nervous herself. It was weird but she felt like something was missing. She would have felt 100 times better about this is Harvey was with her. He always made her feel stronger. How was she supposed to tell Rachel in one sitting that she was pregnant but then that she would probably lose the child? She hoped Harvey was having a better time with Mike.
The nurse left Rachel and exited through the door that Donna was stood glancing through. She gave Donna a polite and warming smile before scurrying off to the next room. Rachel hadn't seen her and was laid back in the bed, glancing out of the large, light window in her room. Donna briefly thought about running. If she left now, no one would know she had been here and she could avoid telling Rachel for a while until someone was with her. But, she ignored those thoughts, knowing that Harvey was right and she had to do this. She walked into the room and Rachel was warned of her approach due to the clip clop of her heels. She turned and beamed at Donna.
"Donna!" She exclaimed, a newfound energy to her voice that despite everything, Donna was so pleased to hear. She smiled at her friend and they embraced each other in a warm hug.
"Rachel! It's so good to see you looking well again. I was so worried." Donna pulled her friend into another warm embrace and climbed up beside her on the bed, like she always did.
"How are you feeling?" She asked, softly.
"Better. Still in some pain when the drugs wear off but most of the time, I feel normal, if a little tired." They both smiled at each other again and Donna thought about how much she loved their easygoing friendship. Rachel had always been there to talk to and despite a few arguments they'd always managed to come to some agreement. But the redhead was struggling to talk to her about this. They spoke easily for a few more minutes, general chit chat about the firm and family and Rachel's surgery.
Then Rachel looked at Donna and placed her hands in hers. Donna looked up at her, biting her lip, knowing that this is the moment.
"What is it? Has something happened to Mike?" Rachel asked and Donna could sense the nerves in her voice. She brushed Rachel's hair back, needing something to comfort her and distract her. She had no idea how to do this, or how to approach the subject and so decided to just say it.
"Rachel. They ran some tests this morning and called me in to talk to you. One of the test revealed that you were pregnant." Donna tried to say more, but nothing else would come out. She gauged Rachel's reaction, she looked blank for a few seconds whilst she processed what had been said but then she started smiling and then beaming like a rising sun.
"I know." She whispered quietly, her voice laced with a withdrawn excitement.
"You know?" Donna asked, not being able to hide her surprise.
"Well, I've been feeling strange for a few weeks now. Just feeling more tired than I should be and having eating habits where I'd be really hungry one day and not at all the next. And then my period was late and I put it down to stress, what with everything happening with Mike. But a week later and I just knew." She smiled again and Donna was genuinely happy at the passion and happiness in her voice. She had always loved how emotional and heartfelt Rachel was.
"Well, thats brilliant, isn't it?" She asked and Donna could already see her hands going to her abdomen, her protective instincts already kicking in. Donna managed a watery smile and pulled her friend into her side, she stroked the side of her face.
"It's wonderful news Rach, and I couldn't be happier for you and Mike. But, the reason they called us in is because they weren't sure how the surgery had affected the womb. They want to wait until the baby is a little bigger and do a scan."
She looked down and Rachel had her lips pursed, no longer smiling but not reacting in the way Donna had expected.
"I might lose the baby?" She asked quietly and the only way Donna could respond was with a slight nod. They looked at each other for a long time, Rachel silent as she processed what was happening and Donna awaiting and preparing herself for the next reaction.
"How certain are they about this?" Rachel asked, her previously excited expression replaced with a more serious and withdrawn one. Donna wished she could have that excitement back and be chitchatting with her friend again. Nothing ever seemed to be positive these days.
"They haven't really said." Donna was surprised by how earnestly Rachel was taking this. She hadn't expected her to be asking rational questions and hadn't been prepared for that question herself. "I think they just want you to be prepared and to run some more tests." Donna said softly and to her surprise, Rachel smiled back at her.
"Ok." She said simply, and Donna again found herself astounded at her strength. Rachel had matured so much over the past few months. There was a time not so long ago that she would probably break down at this news which in Donna's mind was an acceptable reaction. Especially after everything else that had happened.
"Are you sure you're ok?" Donna asked, reservedly.
"I'm just going to see what they say. Who knows what is going to happen? The Doctor's have no real evidence." Rachel paused and Donna smiled at her. "But I can feel my little baby inside of me. She is going to be perfect." And with that, Donna breathed a sigh of relief and reached up to wipe the one tear that had formed in Rachel's duct.
"In that case, congratulations are in order." Her and Rachel laughed and hugged again before Rachel's lunch arrived and they sat chatting about how bad hospital food is. Donna still had her reservations, a bad feeling that arose from the fact that everything good turned bad lately. But, she kept them to herself, understanding that Rachel needed her support right now.
After lunch, she tried to call Harvey but it instead went to voicemail. She hung up and texted instead:
"What's going on with Mike? I'm still with Rachel but am going to go to her apartment and pick up some clothes for her. Meet me back at the hospital? D. x"
She contemplated the kiss. She usually put either a kiss or a smiley face to keep the text positive but had been really worried about where this was going with Harvey lately. She still wasn't sure if he was ready and they were both in the mindset for this. Maybe they should wait until all of this with the firm blew over? Their friendship had been so strong lately and she wasn't sure if she wanted it to become awkward again, especially when they needed to be on top of their game at work.
She decided she needed to speak to him properly about this. Find out what his intentions and mindset was. They had waited for so long due to something or other being in the way and she really did want to try to make this work with Harvey one way or another. But right now, they really didn't need the distractions. They needed each other and she didn't want to risk that with how unstable their relationship could be and how easily Harvey could screw it up. But that wasn't fair, it hadn't just been Harvey who had caused them both so much heartache over the years.
She was terrified of the thought of talking to him, knowing they had already gone too far over the last few days and was way past the innocent friendship they had both agreed on. Being apart from him was so difficult. She was already starting to feel that familiar sense of loss that came from his absence after just a few days of them being 'together'. It was almost like one of her limbs were missing; something just didn't feel right. But, she had managed for years now keeping their relationship purely professional apart from the few hiccups. Surely they could keep it simple for a while longer?
-SUITS-
Harvey returned to the firm after his drive from Danbury, knowing that he needed to go back there anyway and sort out what was happening. But it was mostly because he wanted to distract himself from his thoughts. Despite this facade he often put up, pretending that he didn't care, he thought Mike would know by now that he really did. It worried him how much Mike had managed to hurt him and hoped that the younger man would come around. He needed for them both to be friends if he was ever going to get through this jail sentence.
He buried himself in paper work for a good couple of hours and it felt good to be back working again. This place had been his life for so long now and it meant almost as much to him as he knew it did to Jessica. It hurt his heart to see it looking so deserted.
By the end of the day, he had spoken to all of his clients and had reassured them of what was happening. He had bluffed through a few of the phone calls, threatening them to leave, assessing what would be the best way to handle each individual person. 'Don't play the odds, play the man', right? Only time would tell which would stay, and which would go, but for now he had done all he could and it was getting late. He had seen Louis leave not all that long ago and Jessica just before him so decided to head back to his condo.
When he strolled into his place, he was unsurprised to see Donna chilling on his couch, a glass of scotch already waiting for him. His thoughts had been wavering between her, Rachel, Mike and the state of the firm all day and he had wondered how he had managed to get in this mess, and how the hell he was going to get out of it.
"I would ask how you got in, but I know it's pretty pointless anyway." He smirked at her and she returned it, but he could see the thoughts running through her head the same as him.
"Should we go out to the balcony? I'm in need of some air." He gestured and she got up to follow him.
"Did it not go well with Mike?" Donna questioned, being able to read him perfectly.
"He already knew about Rachel and then shot me down when I lied to him." Harvey managed to say, "he then said that he didn't want to see me." Donna could hear the pain in his voice and she reached to stroke his back.
"Oh, Harvey, I'm sorry." She gave him a look of sympathy. "You know what Mike's like, he's stubborn but he'll break in a few days."
Harvey sighed, he wasn't sure whether to tell Donna this. But he knew that she would find out some other way if he didn't. "That's not what I'm worried about." Donna could see the concern in his eyes so gave him the space to continue.
"Do you remember that case I had back at the DA's office? Frank Gallo? I had a really nasty prosecutor but finally got some evidence that would put him away for conspiracy to commit murder?"
"Oh, I remember. The police left the tapes out of evidence, costing you everything?" Donna sounded vaguely confused. Harvey was surprised she even remembered but it was a big case that they had all had some trouble with.
"Yeah. Cameron told me I'd better get him put away, so I pulled every string I could to put him away for racketeering. I think he got 15 years+ in the end."
"Harvey, why are we talking about him?" Donna had used her mind to figure out the story but she was too scared to actually say what she feared was true. Afterall, she was Donna and it didn't take a genius to work out why there was an increasingly worried frown on Harvey's forehead but a blazing of anger in his eyes. Harvey sighed again, feeling as if this devastation that kept harrowing their lives would ever end.
"He's in there with Mike and they got into a fight this morning." Harvey swallowed his frustration. Donna could see the stress building within him, he was starting to tense and had to wipe his forehead. She wished there was something she could do to comfort him. He looked at her in contempt.
"But Harvey, that doesn't make any sense. You put him away for racketeering. He should be in a max. security?" She questioned.
"I know." Harvey's eyes looked heavy and his voice was deep with exhaustion so she approached the next question more softly.
"What are you going to do about it?"
He sighed again, leaning over, his elbows on his knees, clutching the glass in his hand tighter. She pulled her chair closer to his and put her hand on top of his. He looked straight into her eyes, "I don't know."
They sat in silence for a few moments, both wishing there wasn't so much hanging over their heads. Neither of them were very relaxed but both enjoyed a moment of quiet sincerity. The soft buzz of the traffic below was the only thing keeping them awake. It had been a long night the previous evening and Harvey knew he should get to bed. But he was enjoying this moment with her too much.
Donna wasn't sure how long they had been sat there. She had been waiting for Harvey to say something first, for them to have an actual discussion about what was happening between them. But he was just staring thoughtfully out towards the other skyscrapers, barely acknowledging her. It was getting late and she decided it was best to get back.
"I should go," she barely spoke as she slowly raised herself out of the deckchair and turned to Harvey. He waited a brief moment and then turned to look at her, a stricken and unreadable look still masking his face.
"Why?" He said it so simply and she responded by staring at him dumbfoundedly. Were they really going to go through all of this again? This is what had led to her leaving him before. But just before she screamed and shouted at him, he graced her with that Specter smile that lit up his face and she responded with a smirk of her own. She would get him back for that tomorrow. Tonight she was too tired.
But just as Donna turned to reenter his condo, he stopped her dead in her tracks.
"Do you know what Mike once told me?"
She looked at him confused once again but smiled inside at the many fond memories of Mike.
"That you're a dick?" She managed to dig at him and he looked at her in disgust.
"I lost count of how many times he said that," Harvey reminisced and they both forced a giggle but Donna was still cautiously wondering where he was going with this. She was stood right beside Harvey but he was still holding her hand from where he had gently stopped her from leaving.
"It was a while ago now, just before he left to become an investment banker. When Rachel was deciding whether to go to Columbia or Stansted?"
Donna just nodded in response. She had never seen Harvey so open like this. He looked worried and vulnerable.
"Well, he'd come to me one morning and asked me for advice on relationships." Donna couldn't help her laughter at that.
"He asked you for advice?" She giggled.
"Yeah." Harvey was just as shocked. "He asked me how I managed to stay so unattached. I gave him the morning off to think about things."
"I think he needed the morning off if he was asking you for relationship advice," Donna smiled. They both fell into silence again. "Where are you going with this, Harvey?" She enquired, sinking into the chair next to him again.
"Later that day, he came into my office and got really annoyed about something. We had a lot going on at the time with Ava and Stephen-" He regretted saying his name as soon as he saw Donna flinch and placed his hand on hers in comfort.
"Sorry," he apologised but she waved for him to continue. Harvey took a deep breath, not daring to look at her now. Feeling almost out of worldly. But he pushed himself to continue. He'd been trying to find the words to talk to her all night. Hell, he'd been trying to find the right words for 12 years.
"So he said to me: "What are we doing here, Harvey? We spend every minute of our lives fighting over meaningless shit for clients that we don't even know."
Harvey paused briefly, he was still talking in his same normal, if shaky and exhausted voice, but he'd never felt so comfortable. He felt the relief at the thought of finally releasing all of his feelings but also the dread of not knowing how she was going to react. Donna was gripping his hand now and he turned to look at her.
"And then when some real connection comes along, just some little piece of happiness…"
He realised that it was at that point that Mike had trailed off and stuttered to continue but Donna was smiling at him and there was no tension between us.
"Look, what I'm saying is-" Harvey swivelled his hips to be directly next to her. This was his moment. "We've been sidestepping this connection between us for so long because something or other bigger was going on. Or we were too scared, or I don't even know."
"Harvey-" She interrupted him but he wasn't finished.
"What I'm saying is.. That I'm ready and I'm here. If you'll have me?" She could see how tense and worried he was at her reaction so she took a moment to compose her words. The last thing she wanted was to hurt him.
"Harvey," she started softly. "Our history is a mess of twisted emotions, jealousies and complications-"
"Donna. I've lost everyone over the past few weeks. Please don't say that I've just lost you?" The hurt and remorse was so strong in his words it broke her heart. She placed her finger on his lips to halt him.
"Let me finish," she said authoritatively and quickly removed her fingers from that area, seeing the playful gleam in his eyes. Only Harvey could go from that serious to joking so quickly.
"We've both tormented and hurt each other and for that, I will forever be sorry-"
"I'm sorry too," he quickly chipped in but she gave him the look and he quickly shut up, doing the childish motion of 'zipping' his lips.
"We've both made mistakes. So many mistakes." She paused for a moment and they both smiled at each other with regret prominent.
"So, what I'm proposing (she laughed at his smirk) is that we just slow down?"
"What do you mean?" Harvey looked at her with confusion. "Has 12 years not been slow enough?"
She smiled at him, feeling like such a teenager. "What I meant is, that when we've tried, we've always just jumped right into bed-" She had to playfully smack his smirk away this time. He feigned the pain, rubbing his cheek as if it was sore.
"How about we just… date… and see how it goes?"
