I was brought into the infirmary and set down on one of the beds. The sheet material felt familiar as my limp body touched the fabric. This was the room I woke up in earlier today. It couldn't have been more than a half hour ago. I assumed it was Will who brought me here, but he didn't say anything after he dropped me off. The girl, Sophie, brought a wet towel to wipe the blood off my face. I didn't have the energy to thank her and instead fell asleep. I didn't want to drip into unconsciousness, but the drug always had a drowsying effect on me. I fell into a sightless dream where Nate was dragging a helpless Tessa to a laughing Mortmain. I could hear Will yelling, Charlotte screaming, and a hoard of unidentifiable voices in the background. I heard Jem start coughing, but eventually fall silent with death.
Because the dream mirrored reality, I wasn't sure if I had woken up or not. The voices had stopped, but the world remained black. My arms reached around and felt the sheets resting on top of me. I struggled to pull myself into a sitting position, but didn't feel fatigued or pained when I managed to do so.
"Are you feeling alright?" I started because the voice came from a spot at my bedside. "I'm sorry if I startled you. Will told me of your situation."
"I'm feeling fine. Is that you Jem?" I asked, a little groggy to identify the voice.
"Yes. I'm sorry about before in the library. You took me by surprise and it went downhill from there."
"I really appreciate your help. It was only that bad because I missed today's dose. But now there isn't any more left, is there. For both of us," I added at the end.
"I'm glad to help. You needed it more than I did," he said. There was a pregnant pause before he continued. "I feel partially responsible for your situation."
I frowned. "Why?" In truth, I'm not sure why Jem felt responsible for Mortmain's actions. Wasn't I meant to be a threat to the entire Institute? Why would Jem feel singled out?
"I need yin fen to survive, just like you. I used to buy it from downworld opium dens, but Mortmain controls the supply now. I'm sure he did that because of me." Jem's voice became soft and heavy with guilt.
"Guilt does not suit you, Jem," I said. "What happened to me is done, so there is no use feeling guilty for something that happened months ago. I would very much like to get to know you better without the guilt laced into your voice."
Jem chuckled at my words. "Alright then. I look forward to getting to know you as well."
"That's better," I teased. This moment, sitting with Jem, felt completely wrong to me. It felt wrong because it was the kind of setting I had before Mortmain. I would be free to talk with people and live outside of a damp cell. It scared me how fast I was adjusting to my new home. Would I have to leave soon? Would Mortmain come for Tessa? Why would he even want Tessa? The questions kept building up with no form of release.
Jem and I conversed for a few minutes about little things, eager to change the subject we fell into. I learned about shadowhunters, their origins and job as supernatural policemen. I also learned about everyone staying at the Institute. Henry Branwell was an inventor and Charlotte's husband. Charlotte ran the Institute and was an important member of the London Enclave. Will and Jem were training to become shadowhunters, having lived at the Institute since they were younger. Gabriel Lightwood and his older brother Gideon sought refuge here after their father died, though Jem left out the details on that one. Will had a younger sister, Cecily Herondale, who came to the Institute last month to start training. Tessa was saved by Will from Mortmain and stayed to help capture him. Sophie was a maid hired by Charlotte, but she also trained with Tessa to serve the Institute better.
All of them sounded amazing, like literal angels out of story books. I found it quite amusing how he lost himself as he talked about everyone. They all meant a lot to him. Especially Tessa.
"Are you and Tessa close?" I asked.
"Why would you say that?" He sounded more amused than curious, like it wasn't a huge secret.
"Your voice softens when you talk about her, but it's not any of my business…"
Jem laughed and I relaxed my shoulders. I hadn't wanted to make him uncomfortable if I'd been wrong about his feelings. "No, it's fine. Tessa and I are engaged and plan to get married soon."
"Congratulations. I hope you two will be able to find true happiness when this is all over." The airy comfort in the room iced over after I finished speaking. My chest tightened in discomfort as I waited for Jem to speak. Being in his situation, I knew exactly what he was going to say, so I countered before he could get a word in. "No, don't you dare think about that."
"But I hadn't-"
"I know you were thinking it because that's what I would say if someone told me that. But you have someone who is waiting for you at the end of the road. Don't ever doubt that because some people would give anything to have someone care about them as much as you care for Tessa."
I didn't mind getting personal with Jem. Maybe my amnesia had something to do with it, but after suffering through Mortmain's capture, I honestly didn't care what people thought of me. When he watched as I choked on my own blood, waiting for me to agree to help him, I lost a part of me that cared about myself. During that time, I was indirectly living for Tessa because nobody deserved to die by Mortmain's hands.
It seemed Jem was also living for Tessa because I soon heard a small chuckle. I balled my hands into fists as Jem said, "It's rather refreshing to hear words like that come from someone other than Will."
"I take offense to that," Will's voice cut in. "The phrase you clearly meant to say was that it is always refreshing to hear Will's voice."
In my mind, I imagined Jem rolling his eyes as he got to his feet, though I didn't have to imagine him sighing under his breath. After hearing about his parabatai, it was interesting to listen to the two shadowhunters interact with one another. Since I'd gotten here, it seemed as if the mood was permanently set at dreary. Having some form of amusement to take away from the negative emotions really did a wonder on the human morale.
"He really meant it in the nicest way," I put in, hoping to keep the atmosphere in the infirmary light and airy.
"Actually, it was supposed to be taken negatively. Living with him all these years has started turning me away from dark-haired Welshman," Jem chuckled.
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that," Will muttered. He shifted on his feet as I heard a sound of something being set near the table at my bedside. "Bridget made lunch a while ago, but I guess it's dinner for you now. It's not much, but I figured you wouldn't be up for regular portions today."
It was nice to see, or rather hear, this side of Will since he'd tried to kill me the moment I woke up earlier. Hearing about Will's more pleasant side from Jem was one thing compared to experiencing it first hand. Nevertheless, I pulled myself up so my back rested against the bed frame and help out my hand, not entirely sure where the tray of food rested. Another hand met mine and gently guided it over a piece of bread.
"Thanks," I said quietly, a little embarrassed I needed help eating.
I was expecting it to be Jem's hand helping me, but his voice came from farther away when I heard him say, "I very much enjoyed speaking with you, Natalie. Have a pleasant night." A door closed a few seconds later and I found myself alone with William Herondale.
As Will said, I wasn't ready for much food, so the piece of bread Will helped me eat and a glass of water was enough before my eyes started feeling heavy. I blinked a couple times to get rid of the fatigue. It seemed all I was good for was riling people up, almost dying, and sleeping. Being with Mortmain, while uncomfortable and frightening, made me feel more useful in a way that didn't have me relying on the guards for assistance. Towards the end, I didn't need to worry about taking care of myself as I had planned on slowly dying of neglect and starvation. I was, however, grateful for Mortmain setting me free so I could experience safety in the arms of Charlotte and her Institute.
Will remained quiet as I forced the bread down, probably just as uncomfortable as I was. When he took my empty water glass from my hands, his fingers briefly grazed mine. I flinched at the contact, a little unnerved there was someone in front of me who made so little noise.
"I never apologized for this morning," he said.
I was taken aback by his words, mostly because he hadn't said anything in awhile. "You don't-"
"Clearly I do because no woman in her right mind would defend a man who almost strangled her while she lay in a sick bed." I could hear a little sarcasm between his teeth, but just like Jem, his words were laced with guilt. However, I couldn't use the same speech with Jem because Will had taken control of his actions. Those actions just happened to be a little rough around my windpipe. No, I wouldn't coddle Will like I am with Jem. Jem's guilt would tear him up inside, but Will's… I don't know Will, but he seems like the kind of person who needs to feel pain.
"Fine," I said after a moment of hesitation. "Give me an apology."
A rustle could be heard by my bed and Will took Jem's seat. He took a deep breath before saying, "For you to understand why I acted as I did, you need to know why Jem is the way he is-"
"You mean kind and humble and endearing?" I casually interrupted.
"Dying," Will said with ice in his voice. "Jem is dying."
"I know."
"But you don't know the story. His father was a shadowhunter in the Enclave and his mother was from the Shanghai Institute in China. He lived there for a good portion of his life. However, a demon wished revenge on Jem's father and one night captured his whole family. His mother and father were helpless as they watched the demon feed the powder to Jem, watched him scream and thrash as the poison worked its way into his body.
"By the time the Enclave sent shadowhunters to the Institute, Jem's parents were dead and Jem had become addicted to the powder. He was twelve when he came to London to study under Charlotte. They only thought he had a few months, maybe a year to live. So far he has proven them wrong," Will paused for a moment as he took another shaky breath. "So when I found you in the infirmary, saying you were sent by Mortmain, I believed you were another downworlder or mundane who had willingly become an addict. I had no idea you were another victim of Mortmain, and I acted on pure instinct. I truly am terribly sor-"
"I think we both know I forgave you a long time ago, William," I said. Will's story left me feeling somewhat comforted. Jem's childhood was cut down quickly by a demon, while mine was stolen from me by missing memories. We both clung to the drug that was killing us. I've found more in common with Jem thanks to Will. "You're not very good at apologizing, so I assume you haven't had the proper instruction for it. Nonetheless, thank you for telling me about Jem. It just makes you seem that much kinder." A small smile graced my lips then. I reached out my hand to find his, but he found me faster because he pushed my hand back to my lap. The smile slipped off my face in confusion.
"I am not a kind person. I only apologized because Jem insisted I do so. Do not confuse yourself about my character. Ask anyone around and they will tell you how wrong you are." He picked up the tray he brought in and walked away from my bed. I winced as I heard the door to the infirmary slam shut.
But why are you telling lies, I wondered before sleep claimed my useless eyes.
Sophie came to wake me up in the morning so I wouldn't have to keep missing meals. She helped me into a proper gown since I've been wearing a nightgown from the infirmary since I woke up. The thing was a little long, but I assumed it was from Tessa, so I loved it. Sophie said it was a beautiful shade of blue that went well with my hair. She seemed a little nervous when telling me that fact, as if she didn't know how I would react, but I thanked her for telling me. While I slept, Henry fashioned a seeing cane for me so I didn't have to be carried everywhere. Sophie told me Charlotte was a little worried for me to be walking around, but I agreed with Henry and thought the cane was brilliant. My legs were aching for some exercise.
We then left the infirmary very slowly while I got used to both walking and using the cane. Sophie helped me to the dining room and pointed out unique features to my route so I wouldn't get too lost. The dining room was less quiet than the hallway or the infirmary, so I welcomed the noise. It did get a little quieter as Sophie guided me to my seat, but I tried to ease the tension by smiling. It seemed to work because the banter resurfaced again. I jumped a bit when a teacup was set in front of me.
"Careful, it's a bit hot," Jem's voice warned me.
"Thank you," I said. Taking the teacup slowly in my hand, I raised it to my lips so I could blow away the steam. I brought it to my lips and tentatively sipped on it. A familiar taste ran down my throat. "Mmm, Camomile."
"I figured a nice cup of tea would be soothing," Jem said. I could hear a cup in his hands and figured he made me a cup while pouring himself one.
"You were right," I smiled back. It reminded me of drinking tea with Gracia all those months ago, a time where I was relaxed and happy. Having that memory with me filled me with euphoria.
"I didn't know what state you'd be in after last night. Most times Will does something foolish and the girls run away in tears or disgust. You seem to be pleasant like usual," he noted.
I shrugged my shoulders while trying to show the least amount of emotion. "He was fine. I hope he asked you before sharing your whole life story to me," I said worriedly.
Jem chuckled. "I told him to tell you so you'd know my story after we heard yours."
Setting the cup back on the table, I sighed and leaned back in my chair. "Well, after telling me your story, he started lying about different things. It was like he was trying to prove that he wasn't a kind person." My nose scrunched up as I thought about his strange behavior.
"Do you believe he is a good person?" Jem asked.
"I have no reason not to. He's treated me with kindness ever since yesterday. Isn't that how he is with everyone?"
"You really have no idea," Cecily's voice said from across from me. "Will seems to like to keep people away from him as much as possible."
"Oh," I said. "I wonder why that is."
Apparently Tessa and Will were the only ones not at the table, with Gideon and Gabriel pardoned because they had taken breakfast early. About ten minutes after I arrived with Sophie, Tessa slipped into the room and took the spot on the other side of Jem. Charlotte cleared her throat, signaling to the rest of us to be quiet. Apparently breakfast at the Institute was always accompanied by a meeting.
"The Silent Brothers informed me Jessamine will be returning tomorrow from the Silent City."
Already I heard groans from those around me, save Jem. I'm not sure Jem would ever make a noise as negative as that. From what I gathered after a lengthy discussion about Miss Jessamine, she had been a shadowhunter at the Institute before she was tricked into working for Mortmain by Nathaniel Gray before his death. She'd been kept in prison with the Silent Brothers, monks of the Silent City. Everyone seemed to dislike her, so she must have been a bad person. But why was Charlotte willing to take her back if she was a bad person? Whatever her reasons, it seemed like some weren't willing to go agree with her. After about ten minutes of noisy arguing, I felt someone's arms wrap around me and lift me from my seat. I stiffened at first, but relaxed as Jem identified himself. We left the dining room and the voices faded away.
"I'm not sure that's what you needed right now," Jem said.
Another pair of steps followed close to us. "Jessamine is not my favorite person, but she shouldn't be treated like a traitor," Tessa's voice said.
"But I thought she was a traitor," I put in.
"Yes, it may seem so, but if you really knew Jessie, you'd know she never really chooses a side," Jem said. "I think her heart was in the wrong place."
"You know Jem, I think I'm able to walk now. You can put me down if you want," I said after a moment of silence. I felt better this morning compared to yesterday, but I worried about missing another dose of medicine now that both Jem and I were out of the drug. But I was determined not to be too much of a burden to these nice people.
"If you're sure," Jem said tentatively. He lowered me down feet first and I stood on both legs.
"Put your arm on my shoulder," Tessa said, taking my hand. I draped it over her shoulder and she slowly led me down the hallway, my cane making soft clunks as we continued. My legs were shaky first, but with both the cane and Tessa's steady body, I felt more comfortable moving in the dark.
"So, where are you taking me?" I asked.
"Well, you've been there before, but the circumstances were anything but pleasant," Tessa said with a visible smile on her lips. "It's my favorite room in the Institute and a nice place to relax."
That room turned out to be the library, the room I'd collapsed in just the other day. Instead of sitting down near the table, Tessa had led me towards a large couch by a window, the rays of sunlight streaming in. The warmth brought a smile to my lips as I eased down upon the soft furniture. My legs were shaking a little from the walk, but I appreciated the exercise.
"If this is your favorite room, I'm sure you are an avid reader," I said.
"Oh I just adore books," Tessa sighed. "Any story is simply magical. My favorite is A Tale of Two Cities. Have you read it?" The question seemed to slip out of her mouth before she could stop. I heard a small intake of breath and laughed to ease her discomfort.
"Before Mortmain, I worked at a small Inn on the other side of town near the harbor. I was the only other employee, so I didn't have a lot of time for reading. I did happen to catch the Times every day after breakfast," I said cheerily.
The tension in her shoulders seemed to disappear. "How about when you were younger?"
Without meaning to, the smile slipped from my mouth. "Well, I'm not sure what I liked."
I didn't want to make the answer seem vague and distant, but I had a hard time deciding whether or not the story about my memory loss would be appropriate at this time, what with Mortmain trying to take over London. Apparently my decision was already made for me.
"What do you mean?" Jem asked.
I sighed and tried not to look pathetic as I told the story. "I told you I was working at an Inn before. That was where I met Mr. Gray and how I came to be in Mortmain's possession. However, a few months before I met Mr. Gray, I had woken up in an alley near the harbor with no memory of how I got there. I just about starved to death before Gracia, the owner of the Inn, offered me a job in exchange for food and shelter. But other than that, I don't even know who I am save for my name. I think I had a little sister, but I'm sure she's far away from here."
I swear, every time one of them got curious about me, I ended up looking like a little kid instead of an adult. Sure I couldn't see anything, but that didn't mean I wasn't able to take care of myself. It was then that I made it my duty to start doing things for myself without relying on everyone.
While I made my declaration of self-sufficiency, Tessa's hand had found it's way into mine. I squeezed back in acknowledgement and the smile made a return to my lips. The silence following was a comfortable one, with Jem and Tessa keeping me company as I nodded off, a little tired from our trek to the library.
