Finally! I have this beast of a chapter done! I'm sorry it took so long, but I had a little trouble with this one. Thanks as always to my best friend and beta BittenEV and special thanks to my dear friend Tufano79 for helping me with this chapter. If you haven't read any of Tufano's stories, what are you waiting for?
Thanks also to Random Rita at the Rob Attack blog for recommending Iris and to all of the new readers who have joined me. Y'all make me feel all warm and fuzzy!
The song for this chapter is "Helium" by Sia. It's a beautiful song from the Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack and quite appropriate for this chapter.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Belongs to SM.
Chapter 10—Helium
It was an ugly, rainy Sunday in Forks, so Edward and I were having our pre-chemo picnic in his bedroom. We were sitting on the floor leaning against the sofa in the room as we took turns feeding each other. We got a little messy, which made us laugh a lot. Edward was relaxed and having fun, which in turn made me happy.
"You've got something on your face. Let me get it," Edward said innocently as he kissed me right next to my lips. "Oh wait, I think you have something on your lips too," he added as he kissed me there.
I giggled as he kissed me. "You're pretty slick, you know."
Edward feigned innocence. "What? I just didn't want anyone to see you with food on your face."
"Mmm hmmm. Sure." Suddenly I felt bold. "I think you have something on your mouth. Let me get it." I threw my arms around him and kissed him deeply. Edward was surprised at first, but he then relaxed as we made out like the horny teenagers we were. His hands began to roam and soon found my breasts. I groaned in pleasure as he explored them, even if it was over my shirt. My hands began to roam as well, but Edward stiffened and sat back as I touched the central line in his chest.
"What's wrong?" I asked him, knowing full well what was wrong. I just wanted to know why it was such a problem.
"You wouldn't understand," he replied, turning away from me.
"Then explain!" I said in exasperation.
Edward was equally as exasperated. "I have this stupid wire hanging out of my chest so I can have poison injected into my veins! Is that what you want to hear?"
"Yes!" I nearly shouted. "I don't know why you're so embarrassed about it. You've never even let me see it. It's not a big deal. You say it's there to inject poison, but to me it's where you get the chemo that's saving your life!"
He looked stunned for a moment. "Really?" he whispered.
"Yes really," I said. "I hate when you refer to your chemo as poison. I know it's changing your body, but it's what's keeping you alive. If it weren't for that chemo, you might be dead. Is that what you want to hear?"
Edward shook his head. "I'm sorry. I never thought of it that way. I never knew it upset you so much."
"It does. I need you here with me, Edward. You're nearly halfway through with your chemo. This is temporary. You and I are forever. You're stuck with me." I smiled to let him know I truly wasn't angry with him.
Edward smiled as well. "If I have to be stuck with someone, I'm glad it's you." He gave me a quick chaste kiss on the lips before slowly removing his shirt. "Here it is," he said finally as he looked down.
Edward's pale, beautiful chest was perfect, even with the port in it. The central line was on the right side of his chest. A wire came out from underneath and had two ports hanging from it. The wire was adhered to his chest with clear tape. I leaned in and kissed the area where the wire came out of his chest. He looked up in surprise.
"Thank you," he said, tears beginning to well up in his gorgeous green eyes.
"You're perfect," I told him. "Your skin is like marble."
He laughed. "I didn't have much chest hair to start with, but what I had is gone. All of my hair is gone. The bright side is I don't have to shave anymore."
"I miss your stubble, though," I said sadly. It was true. I liked the way it tickled my face when he kissed me. Unlike some people who only lost the hair on their head, Edward lost his hair everywhere. The hair on his arms and legs fell out shortly after he shaved his head. He also lost his eyebrows and his long, beautiful eyelashes. Alice had even called me one night saying that Edward had freaked out because he had taken a shower and the hair around his manly bits was falling out. He had no idea that I knew, and I'd never tell him.
"Dr. Denali said it should start growing back right after I finish chemo," Edward said. "Maybe then I'll grow a long beard."
"I don't think school will allow it," I laughed.
"Maybe they'll make an exception for me, you know, be nice to the cancer kid and all," he replied. "Instead of going to Disneyworld, that could be my Make a Wish thing. A long beard." I laughed even harder. He began to laugh as well, and soon we were a silly, giggling mess.
I only hoped we'd be laughing the next day when Edward actually went in for his chemo. Like the last time, he was going alone, but I would meet him at the hospital after school. He was much calmer than he was the last time since he knew what to expect.
I headed straight to the hospital's cancer center after school. I was met by Victoria, who was Edward's nurse once again, and she filled me in as she led me to Edward.
"He had a bit of a reaction to the Rituxan this time, which is odd during the third round of treatment," she said. "He developed a rash and a low grade fever. I stopped the drip and gave him some Tylenol and Benadryl. Dr. Denali came down to check on him, but thankfully it didn't last long. He's been fine ever since. He also had a dose of Reglan before the drip, so he hasn't had any nausea. I'll be back in a few minutes, but please use the call button if anything happens before then."
Edward was sound asleep, curled up under the crocheted blanket I had seen him with during his first two treatments. Although I was eager to talk to him, I decided not to wake him. I knew he needed to rest. He woke up a few minutes later when Victoria came in with his next chemo drug.
"Bella! Why did you let me sleep?" he pouted.
"You need your rest. We have plenty of time to talk later," I insisted.
Edward then looked up at Victoria. "I see it's time for the red devil."
Victoria sighed. "Unfortunately it is."
I was confused. "Why do you call it red devil?"
"The drug itself is red, but one of its side effects is that it turns the urine red," Victoria explained. "Also, it will irritate the heck out of you if it leaks from the vein. Thankfully the chances of that happening are slim and none since it's going straight into the IV. Are you ready, Edward?"
"Ready as I'll ever be," he muttered.
Edward and I were quiet as Victoria began the IV push. It took several minutes, and she spoke softly and soothingly as she injected the drug. Edward seemed relaxed as he held my hand and smiled at me.
"All done!" Victoria said brightly a few minutes later. "I'll give you a little time to relax and then I'll be in shortly with your last one. Remember to call me if you need me." She then left us alone.
I fingered the edge of the blanket that was covering Edward. "Why do you always bring this to your treatments?"
Edward smiled wistfully. "My mom made it. It was always on the back of our sofa as far back as I can remember. She probably crocheted it before I was born. We stayed at my house when we went back to Chicago for my parents' funeral. I grabbed it when I was there. It's just a little something that reminds me of home and my parents."
"What happened to your house in Chicago?" I asked gently.
"It's mine, or it will be when I turn 18," he replied. "I don't know what to do with it. I've thought about selling it, but I can't bring myself to do that yet. Some family friends are living in it right now, and they're taking good care of it. Maybe I'll eventually sell it to them. I just don't know."
"Do you want to move back to Chicago?" I knew I'd go to the ends of the earth for Edward, but I wanted to know how he felt.
"At first that's all I wanted. I planned to get through high school here in Forks and go back to Chicago for college. That's all changed, though."
"Changed? Why?"
"Now I want to be wherever you are," he said, smiling and taking my hand.
I was shocked. "Edward, I don't want you to change your plans just because of me."
"It's what I want," he insisted. "You brought me back to life, and I can't imagine going anywhere without you. We can stay here in Washington, go to Chicago, or even move to Antarctica to live with the penguins."
"Penguins. Lovely," I chuckled.
Edward laughed as well. "I'm serious. We're a team. Besides, you promised me we'd set off metal detectors together with our titanium hips when we get old. You can't go back on that promise."
I laughed even harder. "I wouldn't even dream of it."
Victoria came in shortly thereafter to administer Edward's last chemo drug. After a brief observation period, he was allowed to go home. We got back to the Cullens' a little later than expected because of Edward's reaction to the Rituxan, so we arrived just in time for dinner. Edward was exhausted, though, and went straight to bed after he ate.
Edward's exhaustion continued throughout the week. It was so bad that he barely made it through the school day. Some days he was so tired that he'd go straight to bed after school and skip dinner. The medication he was now taking for the neuropathy didn't seem to be helping much. He still had problems with his hands and feet. They would alternate between numbness and tingling to pain and burning. I tried to help him as best I could by massaging his hands and feet when they bothered him. It didn't help much, but he was grateful all the same.
I was doing laundry Sunday morning when my phone rang. The caller ID said it was Emmett, and I became worried. Emmett wouldn't have called early on a Sunday unless something was wrong. "Hello?"
"Bells, did I wake you?" he asked breathlessly.
"No, Em, I'm up. What's wrong?"
"I'm taking Edward to the ER. He had an accident."
I felt as though all of the blood had rushed out of me. "An accident? What kind of accident? Is he OK?"
"He tripped going down the stairs and completely wiped out," Emmett explained. "Ed here insists he's OK, but I wasn't taking any chances. Dad's working today, so I called him and he said to come on in to be checked out."
I was already running upstairs to change out of my pajamas. "I'll meet you at the hospital," I told Emmett before hanging up. I got dressed as quickly as I could and headed out to the hospital. Charlie was fishing in LaPush, so I sent him a quick text to let him know what was happening.
Emmett was by himself in the ER waiting room when I arrived. "What's going on? Where's Edward?" I asked.
"He's having a few tests run, and they wouldn't let me go with him," Emmett said. "Dad said they needed to do a chest x-ray and perhaps a CT scan. I think they're also going to draw blood." He paused for a moment. "Mom and Alice are at church, so Edward and I were home alone. I was scared, Bells. I was in my room, and I heard this thud and then Edward calling out for me. I didn't know what happened. He fell on his left side, and I can tell he's in a lot of pain even though he insists he's not. I just hope he's OK."
Emmett and I made small talk while we waited for news. Finally after what seemed like forever, Carlisle came out into the waiting room. "Is he OK?" Emmett blurted, jumping out of his chair.
Carlisle motioned for us to follow him. "Edward's got several broken ribs on his left side, and he's pretty bruised up," he explained as he led us to Edward. "He also complained of shortness of breath. There's always the possibility of a punctured lung with a rib injury. Right now he's on supplemental oxygen until we know what's what. I'm also waiting on some blood tests." Carlisle stopped in front of a room and opened the door. "He's been given something for pain, so he may fall asleep while you're here."
I ran to Edward's side. He was still awake but looked miserable. An IV ran under his hospital gown, obviously connected to the central line in his chest, and he had the oxygen tube in his nose. He smiled weakly when he saw me.
"Oh Edward," I nearly sobbed. "What happened?"
"I was going downstairs to get something to drink. I was really tired and dizzy, and my feet went numb. I just lost my balance and fell."
"You should have called me," Emmett gently chastised. "I'd have gotten you something."
"No. I should be able to go downstairs by myself," Edward protested.
Carlisle's phone rang. "It's Esme," he told us. "I'm just going to step out in the hallway and talk to her. She's probably a nervous wreck."
Edward began tugging on the side of his gown. "It looks terrible," he said.
"What does?" I asked him. He kept tugging on the gown, so I gently pulled it up. I gasped loudly when I did. The entire left side of Edward's chest was bruised. It hurt me just to look at it, so I couldn't even imagine how he felt.
"Holy crap!" Emmett exclaimed. "Is this from falling, the cancer, or both?"
"Both," Edward replied sleepily. "I always get bruises."
"Go to sleep," I said, pulling his gown down and covering him with a blanket that was at the foot of the bed. I then kissed his forehead. "I'll be here when you wake up."
Carlisle came back into the room. "Esme and Alice are on their way. I'm going to wait for them outside."
"Good idea. I'll go with you," Emmett said. "I know how Mom gets when she's anxious. We don't need her and Alice in here like yappy dogs while Ed's trying to sleep."
Carlisle shook his head and laughed. "True. Bella, we'll be right back. Just press the call button if you need anything." He and Emmett left the room.
"I'm sorry," Edward nearly slurred. The pain medication was obviously taking effect.
"Why are you sorry?" I asked him.
"I didn't mean to make everyone worry about me. I'll be OK." His eyes were half closed.
"We'll always worry about you, cancer or not. Now get some rest. I love you." I leaned over and gave him a quick kiss on the lips.
"Love you too," he managed to say before drifting off to sleep.
I was alone with Edward for a few more minutes before Carlisle and Emmett came back with Esme and Alice. I could see that Esme was frantic with worry as she rushed to Edward's bedside. Carlisle was carrying a chart.
"I just got the results of Edward's blood tests. He is severely anemic. That's probably why he felt dizzy and short of breath," Carlisle explained.
"How serious is that?" Esme asked worriedly.
Carlisle sighed. "It's pretty serious. When the hemoglobin level drops below 12, a person is considered anemic. Edward's is five. I need to call Dr. Denali and see how she wants to treat him. It's important that we get his iron up and fast so we don't have to delay any of his chemo treatments. He'll also feel a lot better once it's back to normal. I'm going to call Dr. Denali. I'll be right back. Let Edward sleep. He needs his rest."
"Why do these things keep happening to him?" Esme wondered sadly as Carlisle left the room. "I don't know how much more he can take. He's only 16. He shouldn't be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders."
Emmett nodded. "Even the strongest people have a breaking point. I think Edward's been to his too many times in the last year. It's not fair."
"You're right. It isn't fair," Esme agreed. "He should be playing baseball, going on dates with Bella…" Esme stopped as she began to cry.
"It's OK, Mom," Alice assured her as she hugged Esme. "Edward's going to get better. He's got too many people pulling for him. Besides, I don't think God is cruel enough to take Aunt Liz and Uncle Ed and Edward as well. We're going to have him around for a long time."
"I hope so, dear. I hope you're right. I can't lose anyone else." Esme continued to cry as Alice comforted her.
Emmett put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to his side. "How are you, Bells?"
"I'm scared, Em," I admitted. "My heart breaks every time I see him like this. He keeps bouncing back, but what if he doesn't this time or the next time? I can't be without him, Emmett. I need him." Now I was crying. Emmett pulled me into a big bear hug to comfort me.
"Who died?" We all looked up and saw Edward awake. "Why is everyone crying?"
"Oh sweetie, I'm sorry," Esme apologized. "We're just worried about you."
Edward was still loopy from his pain medication, but he looked a little scared as well. "Why? What's wrong with me? Am I going to be OK?"
Alice sat on the edge of the bed to explain. "Dad is on the phone with Dr. Denali. Apparently you're severely anemic, which is why you've been feeling like crap."
"But will I be OK?" Edward asked, still looking scared.
"I'm sure you will be," Alice replied gently. "We're just waiting for Dad to talk to Dr. Denali to see how she wants to treat you."
Edward was becoming slightly agitated. "But will I be OK?" he repeated. "I need to know."
Thankfully Carlisle entered the room then. "What's wrong, Edward? " he asked, rushing over to the bed.
"Carlisle. Please tell me I'm going to be OK. Am I?" Edward was a nervous wreck.
"Calm down," Carlisle replied soothingly. "You are going to be fine. Dr. Denali is on her way over. We're going to get this taken care of. You'll be home and feeling better in no time." Edward began to relax a little. "How are you feeling? Are you still in pain?" Carlisle asked him.
Edward nodded. "It hurts so bad. Can't move and can't breathe."
"You need to take deep breaths," Carlisle told him. "If not you could end up with pneumonia. I know it hurts, but you have to try."
Dr. Denali entered the room just then. Dressed in a sweater and jeans with her hair in a ponytail, she looked more like a college student than a well-respected oncologist. "Edward! What happened?"
"I fell," he said softly. "I got dizzy, I couldn't feel my feet, and I fell."
We all stepped back from the bed as Dr. Denali did a quick check of Edward's vitals. She then looked over the chart that Carlisle had handed her and frowned. "Edward, how long have you been feeling poorly? When did the dizziness and shortness of breath begin?"
Edward thought for a minute. "A few days I guess."
Dr. Denali frowned again. "Edward, your hemoglobin level is at a five. That's dangerously low. It's actually life-threatening. You aren't getting enough oxygen in your blood. That's why you're having trouble breathing. A few more days and your organs would have begun to shut down."
Edward's bottom lip began to quiver. "I just thought I was feeling bad from the chemo. I didn't know it was that serious." A few tears fell down his cheeks.
Dr. Denali sat next to Edward on the bed and took his hand. "I didn't say those things to upset you, Edward. You need to let Carlisle or me know when you're feeling that poorly. Sometimes it is normal, but sometimes it's not. Thankfully we can treat this. I'm admitting you. You're going to need a blood transfusion to get those hemoglobin levels up. This is the quickest way to treat it, and we need quick right now. It's also a good idea to have you here for pain management. I'm pretty sure you're really hurting right now."
"How long will I be here?" Edward asked softly.
"At least two or three days," Dr. Denali replied. "It all depends on how everything goes with the transfusion. I'm going to be monitoring you closely to make sure your iron levels go up." She then got up and turned to Carlisle. "I'm going to go ahead and get him admitted and then cross and type so we can get the transfusion started. We need to get rolling on this."
Carlisle nodded. "Absolutely. Thanks, Tanya. Sorry this had to happen on a Sunday."
Dr. Denali smiled. "Hey, things happen, even on a weekend. Getting Edward better is our number one priority any day of the week. I will be back very shortly. Edward, get some rest and hopefully we'll be moving you up to a room before too long." She then left the room.
"You won't be allowed in the room while we're getting the transfusion set up, so why don't you go and get some lunch," Carlisle suggested to the rest of us. "It's been a long morning, and I'm sure you could use a break."
Esme shook her head and looked angry. "What do you mean I can't be in the room? Someone needs to be there to hold Edward's hand. His mother isn't here, so I need to be with him. Don't tell me I can't be there."
"Esme darling, I know you want to be with him, but you just can't right now. You can go in once everything is started. He'll be fine," Carlisle told her soothingly.
"No! You don't understand! He's not just my nephew. He's one of my children. He needs me! You will let me in that room!" Esme was no longer just angry; she was pissed off.
Carlisle was becoming exasperated. "Esme, I do understand. I also love Edward like my son. I'll be with him. Dr. Gerandy can handle things here in the ER for a bit while I'm with Edward. He won't be alone. I promise."
"Can you promise me he'll be OK? Can you?" Esme was still pissed and getting louder.
"I promise," Carlisle replied, hugging her tightly. "He's going to be just fine."
I looked over at Edward and saw that he was upset. Alice noticed as well, and we both rushed to his bedside.
"Please stop," Edward pleaded. "Just stop. I don't want you to fight. Just please stop."
I took Edward's hand and leaned over to kiss his cheek, but he only relaxed slightly. He managed to pull my hand to his lips and kiss it softly.
Esme had calmed down a bit, and she moved to Edward's side. "I'm so sorry, sweetie. I'm scared too. I just can't lose you. I need you home with us."
"Just please don't yell or fight," Edward pleaded again. "I need you right now."
Carlisle cleared his throat. "OK, why don't you go ahead and eat. I'll call you as soon as Edward's settled in his room."
We all reluctantly agreed and told Edward goodbye. We decided to eat in the hospital cafeteria just in case something happened with Edward. None of us wanted to be too far away from him. Emmett was the only one who was really hungry. The rest of us only ate a little bit and mostly picked at our food. We had just finished eating when Carlisle texted Esme.
"Oh hell no!" Esme nearly yelled.
"What's wrong, Mom?" Emmett asked worriedly.
Esme was pissed again. "Edward is in ICU! Carlisle didn't say anything about ICU. I need to know what the hell is going on." She marched out of the cafeteria, and the rest of us practically had to run to keep up with her.
Esme softened, though, when Carlisle met us at the door of Edward's room. He looked upset. "Edward had a pretty serious panic attack as we were setting up the transfusion, and he had to be sedated."
"I need to be in there," Esme insisted as she tried to push past Carlisle.
Carlisle stopped her. "Just a minute. Edward will probably be out for a while, but when he wakes up, all of you need to remain calm. He's very sick right now, and he's scared. He's also in a lot of pain. You cannot get him upset."
"Why is he in ICU?" demanded Esme.
"As I said, Edward is very sick. He needs to be monitored closely," Carlisle explained. "His anemia is life threatening. If the transfusion doesn't work, I don't know what we're going to do."
Esme teared up. "I need to be in there. Let me be in there with my Edward."
Carlisle stepped aside so we could go in the room. Edward looked so frail. The transfusion was hooked up to his central line, he still had the oxygen tube in his nose, and he was connected to several monitors. I let out a small cry.
Emmett put his arm around me. "It's OK, Bells. I know. This is hard for me too."
Esme walked up to the bed and took Edward's hand. "I'm so sorry, sweetie. I'm so sorry this is happening. Don't worry, though. We're going to get you better soon, and you'll be home in no time. I promise. You're going to be fine. I love you, sweetie."
Emmett kept his arm around me protectively as I moved to the other side of Edward's bed. "I love you, Edward. Please get better. I need you here with me. You can't leave me yet." Emmett tightened his hold on me as I began to cry.
"He's not going anywhere," Emmett assured me. "He's gonna kick cancer's ass, or else I'm gonna kick his ass."
We all laughed a little at that last remark, which lightened the mood in the room a bit. Thank goodness for Emmett. He always knew the right thing to say.
"I need to head back to work, but I'll check in a little later," Carlisle said. "Remember what I said about not upsetting Edward. If he wakes up, you need to be positive." He gave Edward's hand a quick squeeze and kissed Esme on the cheek before leaving.
"Alice, Emmett, would you mind going home to pack a bag for Edward?" Esme asked. "If he's going to be here a few days I know he's going to want some of his things. Don't forget his phone and his blanket."
Emmett and Alice left, and Esme and I were alone with Edward. We talked quietly, not wanting to wake him. His nurse came in a few times to check the progress of his transfusion, but he slept through everything. It wasn't until the transfusion was complete and Dr. Denali had come in to check on him that he woke.
"What's going on?" Edward asked softly, looking confused. "Where am I?"
Dr. Denali smiled at him. "You're in ICU, Edward. We just finished the transfusion. How are you feeling?"
"Everything hurts," he grimaced.
"I can get you something for pain," Dr. Denali told him. "In the meantime, you have to take deep breaths. It hurts, I know, but you have to breathe deeply to keep your lungs clear. Your immune system can't handle you getting pneumonia right now."
"I can't. It hurts too much," Edward protested as a tear rolled down his cheek.
I spoke up. "You can. You can do this, Edward. You've met every challenge head on so far, and I know you can do this. I know you're in pain, but you have to do this. I need you, Edward. You're going to get better."
I was shocked at myself. I had no idea where that burst of strength had come from. It was all true, though. I needed Edward. I needed him to get better. I looked up and saw both Esme and Dr. Denali smiling at me.
"Bella is right," Dr. Denali said. "You're strong, Edward. You're going to fight this the same way you've fought every other setback. Got it?" she added with a laugh. Edward nodded, too tired to speak. "I'll have the nurse give you some more pain meds," she continued. "Right now you need to rest and get your strength up. Tomorrow morning we'll draw some blood to see if the transfusion is working. I'll check in on you a little later."
Dr. Denali left, and a few minutes later a nurse came in to give Edward his pain medication. He drifted off to sleep again pretty quickly.
Alice and Emmett returned a short time later. Edward continued to sleep, so the four of us spent the afternoon talking quietly.
Carlisle came up later in the evening. "Everyone is going to have to leave soon. Visitors aren't allowed between six and eight o'clock because of the shift change in ICU. I'm going to spend the night here with Edward just in case he needs me."
"Carlisle, you just worked a 12 hour shift. I know you're tired. Let me stay," Esme insisted.
"I'm fine," Carlisle assured her. "Things were actually pretty slow except for some kid who came in with broken ribs and anemia," he added with a chuckle.
"Are you sure? You know I don't mind." Like me, Esme hated to leave Edward when he wasn't feeling well.
"I'm positive. I'm off tomorrow, so you can come up here in the morning, and I'll go home then. Everything will be OK." Carlisle spoke gently but firmly, leaving little room for argument.
We were all hesitant to leave, but we knew Edward would be in good hands with Carlisle and the excellent nursing staff in the ICU. There wasn't much any of us could do, though, so we reluctantly went home.
Charlie was at the kitchen table eating leftovers when I got home. "How's Edward?"
Any bursts of strength I had were gone as I broke down. "Oh Dad, it's awful. He's on oxygen, and he's hooked up to all of these monitors. I'm so scared."
"I know you're scared, but this is Edward. I'm sure he'll be fine," Charlie said.
I completely lost it. "Fine?! He's not fine! You didn't see him! He's in ICU! His condition is life threatening! He might die, Dad! He's not fine! I'm scared that something terrible will happen when I'm not there, and I don't know what I'll do if that happens. What if he dies?! Will he know how much I loved him?! Will I be able to go on without him?! I need him. I need Edward. I need him to be OK, and I don't know if he will."
Charlie hugged me tightly as I sobbed into his chest. He didn't say a word and just let me cry. I held on to my dad just as tightly and cried until I had no tears left.
"I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't mean to take it out on you," I said finally.
"You have nothing to be sorry about," Charlie insisted. "It's OK for you to be angry and upset. Trust me, though. Edward does know how much you love him, and he loves you so much. He has so many people who love him and are pulling for him. Edward isn't going down without a fight."
"Thanks, Dad. For a quiet guy, you always know what to say." I hugged Charlie again.
Charlie kissed me on top of my head. "You've had a rough day. Why don't you head upstairs and get some rest. Wake me if you need me during the night. I love you, Bells."
"Love you too, Dad," I replied as I headed to my room.
I didn't think I'd be able to fall asleep because I was nervous about getting news that Edward's condition has worsened. I was so exhausted, though, that I fell asleep almost immediately and slept soundly all night.
Carlisle texted me early the next morning. "Pretty quiet night. Edward slept most of the night. Only woke up when pain meds wore off."
I texted Carlisle my thanks and finished getting ready for school. I would have preferred to be at the hospital, but I knew there wasn't much I could do there. I just went through the motions at school, not really focusing on my work. I couldn't wait until the 2:30 bell so I could head to the hospital.
Edward was awake when I got to the hospital that afternoon. He still looked weak and frail, but he smiled when he saw me. "How are you feeling today?"
"Still hurts," he whispered.
Esme filled me in on what had happened that day. "He had blood drawn this morning, and thankfully the hemoglobin levels are up. They're not where they need to be yet, but at least things are moving in the right direction." She pointed to something on the bedside table. "Dr. Denali wants him to breathe into the spirometer every hour when he's awake. He's got to take deep breaths and keep his lungs healthy."
"I'm trying. It just hurts too much," Edward said weakly.
I sat next to the bed and took Edward's hand in mine. "I know it hurts, but remember what we said yesterday. You have to do this." I couldn't let him see how scared I was. I had to be positive no matter how I felt on the inside.
Edward nodded slowly, and I could see how tired he was. He drifted in and out of sleep, so we really weren't able to talk. Esme and I stayed until visiting hours were over. As always, I hated to leave him. When I got to my truck, I cried for ten minutes before I was able to calm myself enough to drive home.
Tuesday went about the same. I had a hard time concentrating on anything at school. All I could think about was getting to the hospital to be with Edward. I knew that my friends were concerned about me, but I'd cut them off every time they tried to say something about it.
When I arrived at the hospital after school, I was pleasantly surprised to see Edward more alert and no longer on oxygen. "You look a lot better today," I said happily.
"I feel a little better," he replied. "My ribs still hurt a lot, but I'm trying to take deeper breaths."
"Good," I told him. "You're not allowed to get pneumonia." We both laughed. "Did you have any more blood drawn today?"
"This morning. My numbers are slowly going up. My hemoglobin needs to be at 12, but it's not quite there yet. Dr. Denali is putting me on iron supplements and folic acid to try and get my iron levels up. Hopefully that'll work. There's a new drug out there that's supposed to help with anemia caused by chemo, but it's got some pretty bad side effects. Dr. Denali only wants to use it as a last resort," he explained. "Since I'm halfway through my chemo and I'm already in the hospital, I'm having some tests run tomorrow. It's time for a PET scan to see if the chemo's working. I also have to have a CT scan and tests for my heart, liver, and kidneys. I'm nervous."
"Nervous? Why? The last CT showed the cancer hadn't spread."
He sighed. "It hasn't spread, but what if it hasn't gone away? What if the chemo isn't working? I'm scared, Bella."
I squeezed Edward's hand. "I know you're scared. I'm scared too," I admitted.
"Really?" he asked quietly. "But you're always so positive."
It was my turn to sigh. "I'm scared of losing you, Edward. I try so hard to be positive. I want us to grow old together, but I'm just so scared. I love you. I can't lose you." I didn't want to cry in front of Edward, but I couldn't help it.
Edward began to cry as well. "I'm not ready to die. I wanted to when I lost my parents but not anymore. I love you so much, Bella. I don't want to leave you. I don't want to leave my family. I can't die yet. I have too much to live for. I'm scared, and I don't want to die."
I leaned over to hug Edward, but I had to do it gently because of the monitors still attached to him and his broken ribs. We stayed like that for what seemed like forever, just holding each other and crying over the unknown.
I was a nervous wreck all day Wednesday. I still couldn't focus on school because I was too worried about what Edward's tests might find. I wasn't a particularly religious person, but I prayed to every deity I could think of. I needed Edward, and I needed him to beat this cancer.
When I checked my phone after school, I had a voice mail from Esme. Edward had been moved out of ICU and into a private room. She said she'd fill me in once I got there.
Edward was knocked out when I got to the hospital. "He had to have his Ativan to get through the tests," Esme explained. "He was making himself sick. He was a nervous wreck about going in the CT and PET scan machines."
"Did any of the test results come in yet?" I asked nervously.
Esme shook her head. "Not yet. We did get some good news, though. If everything goes well tonight, Edward can go home tomorrow. Dr. Denali said he'd be more comfortable and feel a lot better in his own bed. I think we'll all feel a lot better once he's home."
Thankfully everything did go well, and Edward was released from the hospital on Thursday. He was still very weak, though. When I got to the Cullen house after school, he was in bed propped up by a mountain of pillows. His normally fair complexion was paler than usual, and his bald head made him look frail. At least I was able to snuggle with him as he drifted in and out of sleep.
Friday was another day filled with nerves. Edward had an appointment with Dr. Denali that afternoon to check his iron levels and go over his test results. I wasn't the only one scared about what the tests might find. Even the normally cheerful Emmett and Alice were on edge. I wasn't sure how any of us made it through the day without losing it.
I dug my phone out of my bag as soon as I got in my truck after school. I had a text message from Edward that he had sent about half an hour before.
"I'm still waiting to see the doctor. Will call you when I get home. Love you."
I headed home and decided I could catch up on some chores while I waited for Edward to call. I was surprised at first to see Charlie's police cruiser in the driveway, but I figured he had taken off early since it was Friday.
Charlie met me at the front door. "Hey, you're home early," I told him.
"I have a surprise for you, and I had to pick it up," he shrugged.
"A surprise? What kind of surprise?"
"In the living room," Charlie chuckled as he gently turned me in that direction.
I walked into the living room and saw Edward lying back in Charlie's recliner. He smiled and sat up when he saw me. I ran to him and threw my arms around him, completely forgetting about his broken ribs until he grimaced.
"I'm so sorry!" I apologized.
Edward laughed. "It's OK. I forgive you this time."
"What are you doing here? I figured you'd be home and in bed," I said as I sat on the arm of the chair.
"Well if it were up to Esme I would be, but Carlisle and Charlie helped me convince her that it would do me good to get out for a while," he explained.
I gave him a chaste kiss on the lips. "I'm glad you were able to convince her. Now what about your doctor's appointment. How did that go?"
Edward's face lit up like a Christmas tree, and he excitedly took both of my hands. "My hemoglobin is up, but that's not the best part. It's working, Bella. The chemo's working. I'm kicking cancer's ass!"
I squealed in excitement and threw my arms around Edward again. His broken ribs were once again forgotten as he hugged me back tightly and we both cried tears of joy. Edward was no longer just fighting cancer. He was winning.
