Don't Lose Yourself.

After a few minutes of mad scrambling throughout the room, Tali finally stumbled upon an envelope tucked away in the lower most drawer of Shepard's night stand. Her name was all that adorned it, and it looked bulky enough to have contained more thumb drives. Without hesitation she sheared off the top and dumped the contents into her waiting palm.

Sure enough, several more drives fell into her hand, along with a letter.


Tali,

If you're reading this, then odds are, I'm dead. I told EDI to make sure you see this at some point. 'Whenever the time seemed right' I said. Naturally, I'm fully expecting her to simply direct you to it instantly. If she does, then I'm sorry, Love. I didn't mean to tear the wound open so quickly. If she waited like I suggested, then I'm still sorry. You should never have had to feel this way on my account. I hope, in some small way, these recordings tell you how I feel. I thought about editing them once EDI told me she was recording the entire time, but decided against it. You should hear it all. Again, I'm sorry, Tali. Please don't lose yourself because of me. You still need to get that house, remember?

-Love, John Shepard.


Tali held the paper in both hands as if it were some ancient text, afraid it might crumble to dust with the faintest touch. She didn't let a single wrinkle mar the page as she set it on the bed.

Everything about this seemed too surreal. It was as if she were listening to a memorial for Shepard in some extranet sitcom in a replica of his cabin. It all still smelled like him, looked like it did when he lived there, and had his 'clumsy yet cute' decorating touch on every wall. Her eyes kept moving to the door, as though she expected him to walk through it at any moment.

She sat silently, staring at the thumb drives, wiggling her fingers and moving the audio files in her hand while she thought. Finally, after what seemed like hours, she felt she could continue listening without completely breaking down. It was only a few feet to the computer at his desk, but it took her a moment to reset the holographic interface from it's tumble around the room. During the crash, most everything in his room had been hurled around this way and that. His haptic interface extender she'd found buried in a haphazard pile of clothing, armor, and other things halfway across the cabin.

When she got it working again, Tali grabbed the overturned computer chair nearby and slowly sank into it, listening intently as the next recording started playing. Briefly, she wondered if she shouldn't invite the others up to hear this along with her.

No, I need to hear this without distractions. I don't need them trying to comfort me. Not right now.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the crackling of background noise.

"Are you ready to begin, Shepard? Or should we stay with rehearsing?"

"Yeah, I don't think i'm ready for the big leagues just yet, EDI." Shepard's voice sounded exceptionally close, like he had his head down on the desk by the computer while he was talking. After a few groans and popping joints, she imagined him slowly sitting up and stretching. It was likely during the night shift that he'd been making these tapes. Taking advantage of the quiet while the rest of the crew slept. For a minute or so, there was silence. Both EDI and John seemed to be at a loss for words. Or perhaps he was simply tired...

"Shepard?"

"Yes, EDI?"

"How would you define love?" EDI's question seemed to still the recording. Not even the background noise sounded as loud as it had. Eventually, Shepard could be heard readjusting his seat, sighing.

"An odd thing to ask. Don't you have access to a dictionary?"

"Indeed I do. I ask because I wish to know how you define love." Another pause as Shepard gathered his thoughts.

"Hmm... Alright. Love to me is... waking up everyday, excited to see that person beside you. Love is the feeling you get when you see them, even in passing. Your heart beats just a bit faster, their smell makes you want to pull them into a hug and just breathe deep, for as long as you can. You can't stop thinking about them: What they would think about that last meal you shared, or where their mind is on certain subjects. Everything about them is like reading another chapter in the best book ever written."

"Clearly you've experienced it before, then. How many people have you felt this way about?"

"One."

He may have only said a single word, but that was enough to make her have to stop listening for a moment. She paused the recording, breathing deeply with her eyes closed. Hearing him say that hurt her more than she could have ever imagined, yet she longed to hear it. Why could he not have said that before the end? She pressed play again, attempting to brace herself against the abuse she was subjecting herself to.

"I see. Given these parameters, I believe I see why you love Tali, then."

"Oh yeah? What gave it away?" Tali could hear the self-depreciating sarcasm clearly, and had to stop herself from yelling at the screen.

"I can, with a very high percent of accuracy, say you experience every single one of those symptoms when Tali is near you. I have at least several dozen recordings of you hugging her for longer than ten seconds each, and my monitoring equipment shows you have a slight increase in heart activity when you see her. As for the mental musings in regards to her, It is impossible for me to say. You do often get an expression approaching relaxation after speaking to her, however."

"I always was an open book, I suppose. Did I tell you about my plan for asking her to marry me?"

"I do not believe you have, no." Tali sat with her eyes wide in disbelief, back rigidly straight and her mouth quivering. He said it so nonchalantly, like he were about to discuss the weather.

"You'll like this, EDI. So, one of these days, when the Reapers are toast and rainbows dance across the stars, i'm going to-"

"You realize this is an impossibility."

"Dammit, EDI, I'm trying to spill my guts here. Now, as I was saying. When everything settles down, I'm gonna learn how to build that house she wanted."

"Shepard, you had to ask for assistance in building your ship models from Garrus. Building an entire house by yourself is not only difficult for those with experience, but ill-advised." EDI's tone made Tali giggle despite her efforts to remain silent, but the remnants of Shepard's fleet of figurines scattered around her feet sobered her quickly.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll figure it out. Never said it would be easy. Anyway, when it's all done, there's going to be a second floor balcony overlooking the ocean. I'm going to ask her to come with me around sunset, lead her to the railing... And then pop the question." He paused, as if waiting for a response that never came. "Well? What do you think?"

"Interesting image. A view of the ocean would be a fitting touch. I expected a bit more... flare, though."

"Flare?"

"Indeed."

"Alright, I'll take her for a ride in the Mako, jump through hoops of fire and land it through a barrel roll. Then i'll pop the question."

"Much better." EDI's approval was surprising for a moment, until she realized the AI had been joking. Tali exhaled a laugh, chuckling at the same as Shepard. The same abrasive click of the recording ending made Tali grimace despite the fact she'd just been smiling. To hear the moment end so abruptly was like listening to her favorite song, only to have her alarm clock go off in the middle of it.

Just as she started to unplug the thumb drive to insert another one, a knock on the door outside nearly made her jump out of her seat. When she didnt instantly respond, another pounding noise echoed through the cabin.

"Tali? You alright in there?"

"Yes, I'm fine, Garrus." Her answer sounded more tired than angry.

"Are you sure? You've been up here a long time. Can I come in?"

"Not... Not right now. Please, Garrus, I just need a little more time." Her response was met with silence at first, but she heard a dull thunk that she surmised was the turian hitting his head on the door.

"Don't do this to yourself, Tali. Everyone on this ship wants to help you. Just let us."

"I know, and thank you. But right now, I need some time to myself."

She could almost hear his resignated sigh through the bulkhead, but he eventually relented.

"Alright, but please don't stay cooped up in there much longer. I'd better see you down in the mess hall for dinner tonight, too. By the spirits, I will drag you out of that room, shotgun or no." She listened to his footsteps as he got back in the elevator, and sunk into the chair when she thought he was fully out of the cabin area.