Don't Give In

Tali awoke on Shepard's bed, a tangled mass of limbs and sheets wrapped around her in various uncomfortable ways. Her recollection of the night before was a little fuzzy towards the end, as she could not remember how she'd ended up in bed. That could be for a variety of reasons, chief of which being she had barely eaten or slept in days. It wasn't too much of a stretch to say she'd simply passed out unconscious while walking near the bed.

Stretching out both arms and yawning forced out a squeak she simply couldn't repress. No matter how many times Shepard had said it was cute, she still hated it. Thinking of him drew her attention to the photo she'd put back on his nightstand; the one of her standing on a cliff without a mask on. She could still feel the sensation of wind on her face, the spray of the ocean speckling her with each crashing wave. The smells were fantastic when experienced without the blockage that was her olfactory filter, and every single one of her senses had seemed heightened.

Not for the first time, she wondered if Shepard felt that way all the time. If living all of one's life without such a habilitation still let you appreciate it.

Doubtful. And besides, how does one ask a question like that? "Hey, does the fact you see and smell everything without a filter over your head make you appreciate what you have when I cannot? I only ask because I want to sound rude."

With a brief snort of amusement on her own behalf, Tali finally sat up completely and swung her legs over the side of the bed. Her stomach gnawed at her, and she could feel a headache coming on. Making sure she had all the thumb drives in her pocket, she set out for the Mess Hall. It was an extreme exercise of willpower to resist simply continuing on with the progression of audio files Shepard had left as she passed his desk, but she managed it.

The Mess Hall was mostly empty when she arrived, and she frowned at this. Not thinking too much of it at first, she glanced at her suits internal chronometer and nearly shouted in surprise. It was the equivalent of mid day, meaning most of the others were busy repairing something, or being useful somewhere while she lounged in the captain's quarters. The sheer mortification she felt made her face heat up, and she ran to the kitchen area to quickly grab a food tube and water packet. Once in her hand, she started to run back to the elevator, but stopped and turned back to grab several more of each before resuming her path.

Tali was still stuffing food into her many pockets as she stumbled from the elevator, and her entrance into engineering proper was announced by her dropping several food tubes across the floor. Cursing under her breath, she almost didn't see Gabby appear beside her until the woman was actively handing her food tubes.

"Oh! Sorry, Gabby. I forgot to set my alarm! You and Kenneth didn't need me for anything, did you? Nevermind, I'll make it up to you. I'll-"

"Tali! Slow down, Geez. Me and Ken are doing just fine down here. We can get the Normandy in the air again, good as new. Just you wait and see." Gabby stood up after giving the food to Tali, but remained facing her, a stern and concerned expression on her face. "We figured you'd be up there for a while, so we weren't worried. No need to get riled up on our account. Besides, of all of us, you are the one who needs rest the most." The propulsion engineer pointed not-so-subtly to the bandage on Tali's stomach from when they had run for the beam in London. Tali touched it absent mindedly, as if she'd completely forgotten. She supposed she had, at that.

"It doesn't even hurt anymore. Besides, every pair of hands helps, and the faster we're out of here the faster-" She cut herself off, her eyes drifting to stare at the floor. "-The faster I can find out. He might still need me, Gabby. He could be out there right now, hurting and looking for me."

"Odds are he is." Gabby nodded in agreement, not a hint of doubt on her face. "That does not mean you being here will make this go any faster. Ken and I both got a good night's rest, and it's getting pretty obvious you didn't. Everything that needs doing down here is a two person job at most. You can go ahead, Tali. We'll be fine down here. And if we really need you for something, we'll call." A small caring smile appeared on her face.

"I can't let you two do all the work while I sit here wallowing in self pity."

"All the work? Tali, all the work me and Ken have done is the clean up from the incredible amount of work you did already. When we landed you practically threw yourself at the mass effect core for days at a time. Or did you forget that? You've done enough for now. Go get some rest."

"Aye, Lass," Ken chimed in from a maintenance pipe somewhere she could not see. "The slave driver and I can fix the ol' girl up from here. Dun' you worry none."

"Maybe I wouldn't have to ride you so hard if you actually did the things I told you to do!" Gabby threw back at him.

"The only 'riding' I appreciate tends ta be a mite bit uncomfortable without some bedding, Gabby. But if that's 'ow you wunt ta play it?" He left the question hanging in the air, making Gabby sigh in weary irritation.

"This man will be the death of me, I swear. Well go on, Tali! Go eat and rest. We'll keep you updated. Promise."

Tali watched rather expressionlessly as Gabby returned to work, and she closed her eyes in resignation. She wanted to work to get her mind off of Shepard, but it seemed as though fate was conspiring against her. She finally turned and left engineering, but did not enter the elevator right away. Standing in the hallway outside, she looked at the ground as her thoughts wandered.

I suppose I could just eat and drink while I finish the tapes... But I don't want to finish them too soon. Hearing him on those tapes is like hearing him next to me again. Painful, but oh-so-sweet in every other way. Guess now I know how Kasumi felt.

"Is this how quarians begin meals? Staring at the floor?" Javik's voice startled her from her thoughts so badly that she jumped. He stood in the doorway to his room, arms crossed. His usual red and black armor on and the same ageless face staring her down.

"Keelah, you scared me!"

"Do not avoid the question, Quarian. Are you going to eat that?" All of his eyes looked at the tube in her hands with an idle curiosity.

"Why? Do you want some? I'm fairly certain you won't like it, though." Despite her warnings, he extended a hand in a silent request for her food tube, to which she shrugged and did as he wanted. She had plenty of the things, after all, and she was confident they would escape this place before the need became dire.

Javik pursed his lips at the tube in his hand, and for a second he looked to be concentrating.

"You worry about the Commander. To be expected, given your... relationship." He paused as if the word left a bad taste in his mouth. "Worry serves no one, Quarian. Fear is not worth your time. Focus on the present, and soon the truth about the Commander will be revealed." Javik began to walk back into his room, but she called him back just before his door shut.

"Wait!"

"...Yes?"

"Can I ask you something, Javik? I won't take too much of your time, I promise."

He looked at her for a moment longer before standing to one side of the doorway, ushering her inside. His room was just as spartan as always, having nothing but storage crates and a water basin for him to wash his hands with. The latter of which he proceeded to without a backwards glance at her.

Silence reigned for nearly a full minute as Tali gathered her thoughts and Javik ignored her existence. Finally, she worked up the courage to speak.

"Javik... You have experience dealing with memories. Some bad, some good..."

"You wish my advice on how to deal with the Commander's death?" Hearing him outright say it hit her like a punch to the gut, but she swallowed it down and continued on.

"No. Not that..." She took another moment to word her next question carefully. Javik was a master at turning what someone said around on them without mercy, and she wanted to avoid that if possible. "If all you had in that memory shard were good memories, would you watch through them?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because life is not complete without bad memories."

Her eyes must've conveyed her confusion even through the mask, because he began to elaborate.

"Imagine if you watched a... 'vid' about the Commander long after his death. Would you wish to see nothing but happiness? Or would you rather see the things he had to endure to become the warrior he was? Would you deprive yourself the vision of seeing him at his worst, to appreciate him at his best?" Javik turned to look her in the eye, his gaze as cold and scathing as a blizzard. "You cannot come to peace with the past without knowing both the bad, and the good."

"So why carry the shard with you at all? Why not simply get rid of it?" Her question was not answered immediately, and for the first time, she thought she saw a hint of pain cross his expressionless face.

"Because I don't wish to forget them entirely." A moment of silence passed between them, but Javik eventually looked up again. Anger in his eyes. "And there is no better motivation than vengeance for an entire species."

"I understand. Thank you, Javik." Tali turned for the door, but stopped when a thought occurred to her. "Why did you want my nutrient paste, anyway?"

"The krogan who lived in these quarters had a strong desire to find out how it tastes. I share his curiosity, against my better judgement."

Tali smiled despite the depressing conversation, as the thought of Grunt with a food tube in his mouth like a pacifier was too much to ignore. She made as if about to leave when he called out to her, his words quiet.

"Do not let the memories consume you, Quarian. Do not dwell on what cannot be fixed." His words bit deeply at her soul, though it was for different reasons than what he was suggesting. She did not fear dwelling on things she couldn't fix, but she did fear being consumed by the memories of her Captain. In some ways, she knew, it was a fate worse than death to forever be reminded of someone no longer among the living.

She suddenly felt a growing need to be out of the oppressively empty room and away from Javik. The man's blunt and harsh manner was too much for her to deal with right then. She left the room at a quick pace and entered the elevator, pressing the button for the Captain's cabin. She needed to finish the story. Needed to hear him one more time. Needed to have a small piece of him with her for just a little while longer.