Hi Supergang!
I have very little to say today in terms of author's notes, so just enjoy. Thanks as always for your feedback, it always makes me smile! There's also a short author's note at the end, because if I put it here it would be a spoiler for the end of the chapter. Have fun and keep the feedback coming!
…...
I'd Carry a Plane for You
Chapter 15: Falling From Grace Part 2
…...
Ms. Grant was sitting behind her desk, eyes closed as her makeup artist dusted her face with powder and put some finishing touches on her eye makeup. The tripod had already been set up and the camera was mounted and pointing at her, just waiting to be turned on. That was when Winn, James and Lucy all rushed into her office at once, in a frantic and agitated state.
"Ms. Grant, please, you can't do this," Winn begged, his eyes pleading as he stared at her.
"Supergirl, she isn't"—Lucy started to say, but Ms. Grant cut her off.
"Stop. Everyone out, take five," she said sharply, waving off her hair and makeup artists as well as her camera crew. Winn took a hesitant step backwards. "Not you three," The blonde woman sighed impatiently, beckoning them closer to her desk as the rest of the people in the room made a hasty and respectful exit. "All right, let's get one thing straight," she said as she folded her hands neatly on her desk, staring up at the three of them sardonically. "Just because you know that I know about Kara, and just because I know that you know about Kara, does not make me part of your little...Scooby gang," she waved her hand in the air impatiently in front of her. "I'm the CEO of the biggest media conglomerate in National City, for God's sake. You'll need to show a little more discretion. Mr. Schott?"
"Yes. Of course. I'm sorry," Winn nodded, shifting from one foot to the other in agitation.
"All right then. Now that we are alone, please speak freely. What exactly can't I do?" Cat Grant sat back in her chair and folded her arms, looking up at him expectantly.
"You can't go on the air and tell the whole city that Supergirl is a menace," Lucy explained urgently, with the same pleading look in her bright blue eyes that Winn had. "She's been poisoned, Alex and her team just discovered the source. Someone made it, someone who wanted Kara dead. But instead of killing her, it's altered her brain chemistry somehow. She's not acting under her own power, Ms. Grant, this isn't Kara. Alex's team will find a cure for her and she'll be fine, she'll be herself again."
"Be that as it may, Ms. Lane, the fact remains that right now Supergirl is a danger to anyone she comes into contact with," Ms. Grant replied coolly, her icy exterior firmly in place as the queen of all media. "She threw me off a 40th-story balcony and then caught me on a whim. Can you guarantee me she won't hurt anyone?" The three young CatCo employees all looked at each other with the same sick, helpless feeling.
"Ms. Grant, helping people is everything to Kara," James pleaded. "She is going to wake up from this, and she'll be Supergirl again. Soon. If you go on TV and tell the public she's a villain, they'll never trust her again."
"And if she melts a family driving home from church in their minivan, what then?" Ms. Grant responded, her voice as sharp and emotionless as her employees had ever seen her. "She'll wake up and be received by the public with open arms?" They all fell silent again, desperation hanging thick in the air. Ms. Grant sighed and clasped her hands.
"Listen to me, all three of you. I do not take this responsibility lightly. If I can tell the public that the Supergirl they're seeing today isn't really our Supergirl, maybe it will help restore their trust once she's come back to herself. I will make sure to include this information in my broadcast. But as the CEO of CatCo Worldwide Media, it is my duty to warn the public of imminent threat." She took her glasses off and rubbed the bridge of her nose with a sigh. "I'm doing this for Kara too, you know," she added, looking up at them with a much softer expression, suddenly. "If she wakes up and finds out she killed someone...she will never forgive herself. This is what she would want me to do; she would want people to be safe."
Nobody else spoke, because they all knew it was true. One of the cameramen knocked respectfully on the glass door, clearly eager to return to his post and begin filming. Ms. Grant raised an eyebrow at her three employees, who filed out dejectedly. But they stayed just outside the glass door, waiting to watch Ms. Grant's public broadcast. The cameraman did a three-second countdown on his fingers; then Cat Grant looked straight into the camera, folded her arms calmly across her desk, and began to speak.
"People of National City. This is Cat Grant. It is with a heavy heart that I come to you today with this emergency broadcast. Right now, a sinister threat hangs over our city, every single one of us. And this time we can't call on our beloved Supergirl, the pride of National City; because this time, Supergirl is the threat. She has been poisoned with some kind of biological weapon that has altered her brain chemistry, making her hostile and volatile. We can only pray that this...this condition is not permanent, and our Supergirl will come back to us, soon. But make no mistake. Right now the young woman we have come to know is gone, replaced by a wolf in sheep's clothing. If you see her on the street, do not approach her. Don't even make eye contact. Stay as far away from Supergirl as you possibly can. Right now, she should be considered as dangerous as any alien terrorist this planet has seen." Cat Grant looked away from the camera, her eyes flickering slightly. "All right, that's enough," she said sharply to her tech crew, still not looking back at the camera. She discreetly pressed the edge of one finger to the corner of her eye, wiping away a tear before it could fall. "Run it on a loop."
…...
Alex hurriedly let herself into her apartment, intent on retrieving the item she'd been sent for: Kara's hairbrush. A single strand of her blonde hair would provide the DEO with all the fresh DNA they needed to test the effects—and, ultimately, the antidote—of the Red Kryptonite on Kara's cells. The dark-haired girl was completely unprepared to find her fiancee sitting silently on the living room couch, feet up on the coffee table, waiting for her. She wasn't wearing her red and blue Supergirl uniform; instead, she was wearing a tight, all-black ensemble that resembled Alex's DEO uniform, but with a small version of her house sigil pressed into the fabric over her chest.
"Kara! Thank God you're okay," Alex sighed, the relief clear in her voice even though her heart was still hammering a mile a minute. "Listen to me, please baby. You've been poisoned. It's a synthetic form of Kryptonite, it's altered your brain chemistry. That's why you're not feeling like yourself. But it's all right, the DEO is working on an antidote. You'll be fine, you'll be you again. Just come with me, right now, please Kara. Please." Alex took a few steps closer, holding out her hand beseechingly. Kara just snickered and rolled her eyes.
"Hmmm...nope, thanks. I'm good." Kara leaned back against the couch cushions in apparent relaxation, stretching out her arms over the back of the cushions.
"Then why are you just sitting here waiting for me?" Alex asked in genuine confusion. She'd really believed that if Kara understood what was happening...it would be enough to make her fight. Make her regain enough control that they could go back to the DEO without the need for Kryptonite handcuffs.
"Just confirming what I already knew," the blonde girl shrugged lazily; but the look she gave Alex was dagger-sharp with accusation. "The only part of me you actually give a shit about is the superhero part. 'Quick, emergency, Kara's not a superhero anymore. Better fix that asap, before I lose all interest.' Right Lex?" Kara raised one eyebrow nastily.
"No!" Alex gasped in reply, her eyes wide and horrified, forgetting momentarily that this wasn't really her Kara. "Kara, that's not it at all! You've been poisoned, you're not thinking clearly..."
"Really? You sure about that?" Kara stood up and started pacing around the couch, her blue eyes cold as they stared into Alex's, like a stranger. "'Cause, I gotta tell you, I'm feeling pretty clear. I see everything clearly now. Like you, Alex. Pretending like you love me so much, all these years...but what you really love is how special it makes you feel, being the one girl on earth with an all-access pass to the freakshow."
"That is not true," Alex said, her voice quiet but vibrating with heartache.
"Isn't it?" Kara sneered, seeming to draw more energy from Alex's pained expression. "The truth is, you just need me to be a superhero so you can be Mrs. Superhero. If we'd met at Starbucks instead of by my alien space ship crashing at your feet, you never even would've noticed I was alive."
"No!" Alex yelled, her dark eyes shining with tears that she tried not to let fall. This isn't Kara, this isn't Kara, she repeated to herself over and over. But she still knew Kara was in there; and Alex had to have hope, she had to, that she could still reach her. "I do not love you because of what you are, Kara. I love you because of who you are. Your kindness, your compassion, your inner strength. All the love in your heart. That's why I'm marrying you. Not because you're Supergirl," Alex shook her head fiercely. Kara smirked nastily, twirling her engagement ring around her finger.
"Actually...about that..." the blonde girl said musingly, slipping off her ring and examining it impassively. "I changed my mind." Then she flicked the ring across the room, where it shot like a bullet through the microwave, which exploded into a small but very real ball of flames.
"Kara!" Alex yelled, her voice half reproving and half shocked. She ran to get the fire extinguisher, hastily putting out the flames licking up their kitchen cabinets. The blonde girl just laughed, a cold, sadistic laugh. Alex looked back at her with tears swimming in her dark eyes; one spilled over and slid down her cheek. She was so scared that her bluebird was never coming back.
"Aww, is wittle wexie gonna cwy?" The blonde alien girl taunted cruelly, with an exaggerated, mocking baby voice. Alex just stared down at her shoes, holding herself together with every ounce of her strength. She was so scared that the girl she loved was gone forever; she couldn't stop the hammering of her heart, her shaking hands that she clenched into fists. She could feel the tears sliding unwillingly down her face...but she refused to give into it. She just kept staring at her shoes. She couldn't think, she couldn't breathe. That's when her DEO phone went off.
Before Alex even had time to form a reaction, Kara shot out the living room window like a bullet, off into the night. Alex covered her face with her hand and let out one terrified, heartbroken sob; then she forced herself to breathe normally as she flipped the phone open.
"What did you find?" the young agent demanded as she held the phone to her ear, roughly wiping the tear tracks from her face with her free hand.
"Alex, you'd better get back here quick," Hank's reassuringly deep voice rumbled. "The med team came up with an antidote. They're retrofitting a kryptonite blaster gun with it now."
…...
While Alex was rushing back to the DEO, Kara was sitting lazily on a bar stool, looking around at all the sad saps drowning their pathetic human troubles in alcohol. There was alcohol on Krypton, too; she remembered the sweet, burning taste, from the few times a year when her mother would give her a sip of something from the sacred temple chalice on sun festival days. It always made her feel warm inside, like the sun itself; the crap on this planet just made her feel like she was drinking nail polish remover. And it didn't light up her insides with anything.
With an obnoxiously adolescent sigh of boredom, Kara picked up the bowl of peanuts sitting in front of her on the bar, and slowly tipped it over, spilling it across the countertop. She could hear the confused, doubtful murmurs in the crowd around her. Isn't that Supergirl? No, it can't be...I'm not sure...is something wrong with her? Should we ask her if she's all right?I don't know...
Kara gave a small, cruel snort of laughter, like the football goons bullying their gay classmate who she'd rescued just that morning. The idea that these pions thought they could help her. Lazily, she set her sights on one of the peanuts sitting on the counter in front of her, and flicked it across the bar, shattering a very expensive bottle of top-shelf tequila. The nervous patrons began jumping from their seats and fleeing, which just made Kara laugh with a cruel kind of satisfaction. The hot, tight feeling in her chest blazed up more intensely than ever. At first it had made her feel sick to her stomach, but now she was starting to like it, even embrace it. She wanted to feed it until it blazed up and consumed her completely.
She kept on flicking peanuts across the bar, smashing one expensive bottle after another; but as the frightened patrons around her scattered and ran into the street, she lost interest pretty quickly. It was no fun without an audience. Then her attention was caught by a familiar face on the TV screen behind the bar: Cat Grant. Calmly sitting safe behind her desk, telling the whole world that Supergirl was a menace to society. The flames of fury blazed up inside her again, and she shot the last peanut into the TV screen, where it exploded in electrical sparks, just as her kitchen microwave had when she'd flicked her engagement ring into it. But this time, there was no one there to grab a fire extinguisher. With all the hard alcohol dripping over the countertops, the flames quickly licked across the bar, and Kara walked out unconcerned, enjoying the warm glow of the blaze at her back as she left the bar, her face lighting up to match the raging fire behind her.
…...
Meanwhile, as Alex was running into the DEO, she saw that the entire field team was suiting up in Kryptonite-covered vests, grabbing Kryptonite dart guns and Kryptonite-lined riot gear. All meant to be used on Kara. For a second Alex thought she was going to throw up, but she gritted her teeth and forced it back down again. She did not have time to fall apart right now.
"Hank, what the hell is all this? I thought you said we have the antidote!" the young agent demanded, sweeping her hair back impatiently from her face and looking around at her fellow soldiers, who all looked like they were preparing for war.
"Alex, if we had time, we'd manufacture a thousand dart guns with the antidote; but we don't have time. We have to treat this the same as any other mission: capture and contain the alien threat. If you get to her first, we may get lucky and not have to use any of this stuff at all. But we can't count on that." Hank put his large hand on Alex's shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Her eyes were blazing with equal parts terror and determination. "We've never had to kill a Kryptonian fugitive before, you know that. We bring them back alive. That's not changing today," he promised her. Alex nodded, swallowing the hard lump at the back of her throat. She knew that killing Kara wasn't anyone's plan A; but she also knew that, if it were a choice between killing Kara or letting her kill someone else, no DEO agent was going to leave the innocent unprotected.
"Give me the cure gun," she said stonily. Hank looked over his shoulder in the direction of the research lab, where Dr. Schwartzman came running out with the huge ray gun, carrying it in both arms. It looked heavy.
"One clean shot should do it," the doctor panted, holding out the massive gun and allowing Alex to take it from her arms. It was heavy. "Try to aim for the torso or need a bullseye. If it just grazes her, it's not going to do much good." Alex just nodded stoically, hefting the heavy gun into her arms and getting a feel for it, squeezing her hand lightly around the trigger.
"I'm getting her back," the young agent promised, her voice stone-cold as she held the ray gun protectively against her chest, like it was the last life preserver on a sinking ship.
"Go," Hank said simply, jerking his head towards the bay doors where the rest of alpha team was loading into the humvees. "I'll be right behind you." Without another word, Alex turned and ran.
…...
Reports flooding in from NCPD gave the DEO team a general idea of Kara's location near the bar; but before they got close enough to confirm, a huge fireball lit up the night sky above City Square, where a stadium-sized outdoor screen had just been broadcasting Ms. Grant's warning to the populace. The humvees immediately changed course to follow the flames. As soon as the fireball cleared, Alex could see Kara, floating in the air over the city skyline, dressed in a tight black outfit like one of Astra's terrorist soldiers. The dark-haired girl felt her chest getting hot and tight, too, just like Kara had felt all day as the blind rage built up inside her; but Alex's fury was protective, woven through with love and loyalty and devotion. She wasn't going to leave Kara alone in the darkness.
When the DEO vehicles pulled up, the police were already there, shooting useless bullets; Kara just laughed at them, floating there without even trying to fight back, taunting them with the uselessness of their weapons. But then she saw the black DEO vehicles pulling up alongside the cops; and they weren't carrying bullets in their guns as they piled out of the humvees. She saw Alex, too, and in the corner of her mind Kara noted that the dark-haired girl wasn't carrying a regular Kryptonite dart gun; her weapon was huge and glowing red as she powered it on. What the fuck was that? Was Alex actually trying to kill her?
With a massive surge of fury that covered a deeper layer of hurt and fear, Kara spun into a wide circle, zipping past the line of DEO agents faster than a bullet, and clapping her hands to produce a shockwave, knocking the dart guns from even single one of their hands. Alex's gun was so huge, when it was knocked backwards it smashed her arm against the door of the humvee, instantly breaking the bone with a sickening snap. Alex gave a choked gasp of pain, all the air knocked out of her as she fell on her ass on the pavement, her back up against the black humvee. She looked down at the gun at her feet, and tried to pick it up; but her right arm hung useless at her side. She could twitch her fingers a little—it hurt like hell, but she could do it—but she couldn't lift her arm. The break was somewhere in the upper arm bone, above the elbow, and she knew that no matter how hard she tried that arm was not moving. She'd needed both arms before just to lift the thing; but now she'd just have to manage holding it and shooting it with only her left hand.
"Not crying now, huh?" Kara taunted, hovering over Alex with her blonde hair fanning out behind her like a wrathful goddess. "Guess your bones are tougher than your fragile little heart. Or maybe you're just that eager to take me down all by yourself. No guts no glory, right Alex?" She grinned mockingly, lowering herself slightly in the sky as her eyes began to glow laser-bright.
"Kara. You don't want to kill me," Alex choked, still on the ground with her back against the humvee, the giant ray gun holding the antidote lying useless beside her on the pavement.
"No...I'm pretty sure I do," Kara taunted, hovering in place with her eyes still glowing, but putting off the final blast that would melt her fiancee into a puddle of goo. It seemed like she was still enjoying her taunts too much.
"Fine, if you're so sure, then do it!" the dark-haired girl screamed, her desperation turning into fury now, too. "But don't you dare think for one fucking second that you're doing this because I didn't really love you. If you want to kill me, then kill me, Kara. I can't live without you, anyway." Alex's teeth were gritted hard against the pain, her breathing shallow and rapid. Tears shone bright in her dark eyes, but she didn't let them fall. Kara seemed to falter; she didn't have a comeback ready as she looked down at Alex uncertainly. "I love you, Kara, you, not Supergirl. I love your sweet smile and the way you take care of everyone, the way you see the best in every single person you meet, no matter the circumstances." Hot tears began streaming down the young agent's face as she spoke, but she pushed through them, refusing to break down. Kara was actually listening. At least, she wasn't attacking. Hank was keeping the rest of his field team back for now, securing the perimeter, praying that he wouldn't need to give them the signal to take Supergirl down.
"I love the little happy sound you make when you're eating ice cream, I'm never even sure if you know when you're doing it," Alex continued, staring straight up into Kara's eyes. The blue had never looked so cold before, like the frozen Antarctic sea. "I love the way you sing me to sleep when I'm sad. I love the way you look at me, the way you've looked at me since the 7th grade, so I know, I know in every part of me that you love me as much as I love you. I love the way you stand up for what's right no matter what, you never let anyone push you down. I love you, Kara. I will always love you. So if you're gonna kill me because you think I don't...I swear to God, I will spend the rest of eternity haunting you like an undead cupid-ghost. Because you are not," Alex growled, panting slightly from the pain now, "allowed...to forget...I love you!"
Kara gritted her teeth as her blue eyes disappeared behind the white-hot glow of her laser-vision again; Alex's words and the emotion vibrating in her voice were flooding the blonde alien girl with the most intensely irrational surge of manic fury yet. She couldn't think. Her insides were screaming. All she could feel was blind rage, like a wounded animal. She wanted to tear down the world, smash it to dust like Krypton. As her chemically-induced temper surged, her face began to glow red again, and the same white-hot stab of pain sliced through her temple. Kara gave an involuntary sob as her eyes squeezed shut, and she grabbed the side of her head, pressing the palm of her hand hard against a spot just above her ear.
It was only a short moment of distraction; but it was all Alex needed. Gritting her teeth against the pain, she reached down and grabbed the huge, heavy gun with her left hand, propping it up on an angle between the sidewalk, the humvee, and her body. Alex had always been a good shot, even with her left hand; but not with a gun so huge and heavy, not with her other arm broken, not with the barrel pointed at the girl she loved. Pausing for half a second, Alex forced herself to breathe. She was only going to get one shot.
She pulled the trigger.
A bolt of bright red light shot out of the gun, hitting Kara squarely in the center of her chest. Her whole body convulsed in midair like she'd just been electrocuted; then she fell fifteen feet to the ground in a heap, as limp as a rag doll. Alex could actually see the electric-red vapor rising out of Kara's skin in a cloud, and disappearing into the night air. It worked. It worked. It had to work.
"Kara?" Alex gasped, scrambling across the pavement and collapsing beside the unconscious blonde girl, her good hand shaking slightly as she reached out and felt for a pulse. There it was, strong and steady. "You're gonna be okay now, bluebird," the young agent murmured, stroking Kara's face protectively with one hand, while the other lay limp and useless in her lap. "You're okay, I got you..." Even though Kara was unconscious, Alex couldn't seem to stop talking, reassuring her that everything was alright. In truth, she was saying it to herself as much as she was saying it to Kara.
…...
It was hours later when Kara woke abruptly on the sunbed. Two sets of electrodes were stuck on either side of her head, monitoring her brain activity since the Red Kryptonite had been flushed from her system. There had been significant neurological damage; but since they'd gotten her into the sunroom, it had steadily begun to disappear, as Kara's brain repaired itself in a way no human brain ever could. Alex hadn't left her side all night, except for the brief time when she was forced to get her arm x-rayed and set. It was a clean break above the elbow; it would heal just fine, as long as she wore the sling they gave her and didn't try to take it, or the cast, off too soon.
Even though Alex was standing behind Kara's head looking at the computer monitor, they were both aware of each other the second Kara's eyes opened. Alex knew, even without all the fancy medical equipment monitoring the blonde girl's brainwaves, that her Kara was back. She just knew. What she didn't yet know was whether Kara would remember anything or not. She had been praying for hours for Kara not to remember. There had been so much brain damage, the neural tissue that had repaired itself was technically brand new; was it impossible to think that maybe this would result in some short-term memory loss? It seemed plausible, Alex thought. It wasn't as if there were any precedent for this type of recovery from a brain injury. On earth, anyway.
"Did I kill anyone?" Kara asked quietly. She remembers. Alex's heart sank.
"No," the dark-haired girl shook her head as she circled back to Kara's side, reaching out with her good arm to stroke her love's cheek with a small, reassuring smile. "You didn't kill anyone." Kara covered her face with both hands and started to cry, shaking her head in disbelief at everything she had done.
"It was so horrible, Alex, it was so bad," the blonde girl sobbed, her voice shaking with regret, heartbreak even. "Every bad thought I ever had, every bad thought I ever had, it just...came to the surface...and I couldn't stop it..."
"It wasn't your fault, baby, you were poisoned," Alex hummed soothingly, resting her hand gently on Kara's arm until the blonde girl was ready to uncover her face and actually look at her. "There was nothing you could have done to stop it...someone did this to you, someone who wanted you dead. You are the victim here, it wasn't your fault Kar..." Alex kept running her fingers lightly through Kara's hair, until finally the sobbing girl let her hands fall from her face and looked up.
"Your arm," Kara whispered, her hand shaking slightly as she reached out and grazed her fingers lightly over the edge of the sling. "Lexie..."
"Broken bones heal," Alex said simply, still smiling down at Kara like she was the magnetic center of the universe.
"No...no, no," Kara whimpered, hot tears still spilling down her face as she held her head in her hands, like she could will it all not to be true. "I would never hurt you, I would never hurt you...but I did...I did all those horrible things...Lexie, what I said to you, I didn't mean it, I swear I didn't mean it..."
"Hey," Alex interjected, her voice stern and full of love as she reached out and wiped a few tears from Kara's cheek with her good hand, forcing her to make eye contact. "You're my girl. You've always been my girl. And you're always gonna be my girl...nothing can change that." As she spoke, Alex fumbled awkwardly with her pocket—it was hard doing everything with her left hand—and pulled out Kara's engagement ring.
"You got it back," Kara gasped, sitting up so fast the electrodes pulled off her skin, and the equipment all flatlined.
"I got it back," Alex agreed, slipping the ring gently back onto Kara's finger. "Well, Vasquez got it back. I couldn't leave you. She had to take apart our whole microwave to get it out. I owe her pizza and beer every night that we work late at the DEO for the next month." Alex smiled; then she raised her hand to Kara's, making the magnetically charged rings click together snugly. "I got you back," the dark-haired girl whispered, leaning in and pressing their foreheads together, the way they had done for so many years.
"How can you just forgive me?" Kara whispered after a few minutes of peaceful silence, with their foreheads leaning together and Alex's good hand running slowly through Kara's long hair. "I know, I know, it was this chemical thing that attacked my brain, but...I...I was a monster. I was...feeding off other people's pain. And all those terrible thoughts, the things I said...they didn't just get planted in my head by some messed-up synthetic Kryptonite. I think, deep down...they were already there." Fresh tears welled up in her eyes as she hung her head in shame, running all the way down her face and dripping into her lap.
"Kara, you don't know," Alex shook her head gently, tilting the blonde girl's face back up and stroking some of the dampness from her cheeks. "If you knew what happened to your brain on a chemical level...if it had happened to anyone else, anyone else—you know you'd forgive them, Kara. You know more about forgiveness than anyone I know." Alex smiled encouragingly, and Kara put her hand on top of Alex's against the side of her face, lacing their fingers together.
"The Red K was flawed, it was missing one carbon atom and one nitrogen atom from its molecular structure. That's all. But that little change made everything different. Whoever made this thing, I think they only tested it on human brain cells, which was dumb as bricks because human brain cells aren't affected by Kryptonite on a detectable level anyway. It was a real hack job. Instead of shutting down all you neural transmitters, the Red K only shut down your pleasure receptors. You were physically incapable of feeling happiness, Kara. That alone would drive anyone off the rails." Alex squeezed Kara's hand encouragingly, rubbing her thumb over the back of Kara's hand the way she always did when she unconsciously wanted to express comfort to her beloved little alien. Kara still looked doubtful and guilty and sad.
"But it also stimulated your survival instincts," Alex persisted, determined that Kara should understand, scientifically, why she simply could not blame herself for what happened. "The part of your brain that controls fear and the fight-or-flight response. Since your pleasure receptors were all blocked, the fear and survival reactions that were being way overstimulated had nowhere to go and nothing to latch onto but anger and negative emotion receptors. Do you understand, baby? I know you do, you're too smart to play dumb now. Your brain was turned into a chemical weapon against you. Everyone has anger, everyone has fear. Some people give into it, and some people fight to choose the light. You had no choice, Kara. No more than you have the choice to stop your heart from beating." Alex's continued to play idly with Kara's hand, their fingers weaving together without conscious thought.
"I understand, Alex, I do...and I know you're trying to help...but I just can't...I can't forgive myself," Kara shook her head miserably. More tears streaked silently down her face.
"Well...I forgive you." Alex took Kara's chin gently in her good hand, forcing her not to look away. "Look at me, Kara. I forgive you. For all of it. Not just the broken arm," she nodded her head towards the sling, "but for the things you said, the things you thought. You feel guilty for having bad feelings, baby, for having doubts and fears...but everyone has doubts and fears. I understand...why there was a little part of you that was scared I only loved you because it made me feel special to be part of your secret."
"No!" Kara cried, shaking her head vehemently. "I don't think that Lexie, I swear I don't, I don't..."
"Shh," Alex smiled sadly, brushing her thumb across Kara's lips. "It's all right, Kara. You're not human, but you're still a person. At least I read a hashtag somewhere that told me so." They smiled at each other in a brief moment of levity. "And people have pain. People have darkness. All people. Since I know your deepest fear now, I guess I can tell you mine..." the dark-haired girl sighed and looked at the floor; this time she was the one who couldn't bear to make eye contact.
"Right across from that tiny part of you that was scared I only loved you because it made me feel so special...there was a tiny part of me that was scared you only loved me because I was the first person you saw on Earth, the first person to say hello to you and tell you it was all gonna be okay. Like...like maybe I was just in the right place at the right time...and maybe I was just your security blanket."
"Lexie, that's not true," Kara shook her head, reaching up and threading both hands into Alex's hair. Alex sniffed when she looked up, and Kara wiped a tear from under her eye.
"Neither is your thing," Alex replied simply, leaning in and kissing the end of Kara's nose. The blonde girl giggled softly for a moment. "I love you, Kara...you, not your powers."
"I love you too, Lex...I love you..." They got lost in each other's lips for a few minutes; not the desperate, ravaging kisses of let's get naked time, but the kind of kisses that shared comfort and safety and devotion; the kind that helped mend broken hearts.
When they broke apart, Kara still had tears shining on her face, and Alex tenderly wiped them away again. "Are you ready to go home now, bluebird? We're both on paid medical leave for now. At least until I can use my arm again, and you pass a psych eval to show you're not too traumatized for work." She rolled her eyes with a little self-deprecating smile.
"Oh, Rao," Kara groaned, her face going slightly green. "How can I go out there...how can I face everyone? I scared the whole city, I was cruel, I was sadistic...oh my God, Ms. Grant! I almost killed her, Alex! How can I ever, ever face her again?" Kara's lip was trembling; she was really trying to stop crying, but every new thought that entered her head brought a fresh round of tears.
"She forgives you, too," Alex said simply, tucking a long, loose strand of blonde hair back behind Kara's ear.
"She does?" Kara whispered, disbelieving.
"She does," Alex confirmed. "She knows what really happened, Kara, I told her everything. Even in her emergency broadcast, she told the whole city that you had been poisoned, that you weren't acting of your own free will. I wasn't going to bother you with this right away, but since you're flipping out about it anyway, I guess it doesn't matter—she wants to do a TV interview with you, when you're rested and ready. So you can tell the public yourself, tell them what really happened. They deserve the truth, Kar. And you deserve to let yourself off the hook for this, okay?"
"Okay," Kara sniffed, giving Alex a watery smile.
"Yeah?" Alex beamed back at her, seeing the first hint of a real smile in her love's blue eyes, something that looked like acceptance.
"Yeah," Kara nodded, wiping her red eyes. She still looked so tired...the kind of tired that a good night's sleep wouldn't cure.
"Then maybe after that, we should take a little vacation, hmm baby? Go home to Midvale for a week, let our parents spoil us? That wouldn't suck, right?"
"No, I—I can't, Lexie. I can't face Eliza and Jeremiah, not yet. They taught me everything, everything about controlling my powers...I feel like I failed them..."
"You didn't fail them," Alex shook her head vehemently.
"I know." Kara took Alex's hand in both of hers, looking right at her. "I know. But I feel like I did. I just need a little more time, okay baby? I promise."
"Okay," Alex nodded, seeing the truth of it in Kara's eyes. There was no need to rush anything. They had their whole lives to live, they had all the time in the world. "So if you don't wanna go home to Midvale...how about we hop on a plane to Seattle and visit Meredith? We haven't seen her since she graduated med school."
"Meredith? Yeah," Kara smiled, with real color in her cheeks finally. Alex's older cousin was the closest thing either of them had to a big sister, and Kara loved her at least as much as Alex did. The older Grey was their confidante, their wise and all-knowing Buddha. Plus she was extremely hard to freak out, which Kara had always found very comforting. "That's a great idea, Lex. Let's go see Meredith."
…...
Author's note! I didn't want to put this at the top because it would be a spoiler for Meredith's appearance. I've gotten more than a few reviews asking for more Grey's Anatomy crossover; and as I am a huge fan of Grey's Anatomy too (obviously, I brought Lexie Grey into Alex's character because I love her so very very much), it seemed too good to pass up. Obviously I couldn't make Meredith Alex's sister, because it was central to the plot that Kara and Alex are both only children; so I made Mer into Alex's cousin instead. Stay tuned for crossover fun! The next chapter will take place in Seattle. Yay! :)
