I gasped loudly and looked around the small room that was encompassed in the darkness of the night, the only light seeping through was the moonlight. Licking my chapped lips lightly, pupils dilating and shifting to look around the room. A loud gulp echoed in my ears and shifting my lower half out of the bed, tossing the blanket so it draped to the side of the bed. A cold tremble found its way up my spine. My wings drooped downward lazily and flickered every now and then.

"Mother.," I spoke softly, looking out the window and making my way towards it. How long has it been since that very day? Approximately ten years and her death still woke me up and cold sweats of the life I once lived with my family. I sat my bottom down on the window sill, peering into the recruitment camp that trained the green cadets. I thought back fondly to my cadet years, discerning how Erwin would train me harsher than the proctor.

My fingers moved themselves to the side of my scarred and calloused hand, smiling lightly while I forgot about the dream in a split second, moving onto a new memory that was embedded in my flesh.

~

"Don't look away from me!" Erwin's once stoic face held a ferocity that shook terror within my core, a new side of him that I never thought to see, a predatory violence. I held the wooden knife in my hand, jumping quickly as he swept a leg 'neath mine to try and unbalance me. Erwin, who was always at least two steps ahead of me threw a fist towards my face.

"Erwin!" I shriek while moving my head, flapping my wings in panic pushing myself back. His knuckles grazed my cheek but it was enough to leave a bruise overnight. My hands moved quickly on their own, as if muscle memory, and grabbed his arm. I mimicked the movement that he once used on me to twist my leg behind me. Pushing his shoulder, I twisted his arm in a quick snap and forced his body to face the other way.

"Good..." The blond panted lightly. We were both sweating at this point, my eyes focused on him. "Good." I let go of his arm and saluted him, waiting for his evaluation. "But I didn't say stop!" My eyes widened in shock and moved back, stumbling over my feet and landing on my backside. Erwin was on top of me while I clenched the knife in my hand. His other hand was trying to force the wooden object out of my hand while the free hand held my own in place with a firm grasp. One thinks that I didn't account for was his ruthlessness.

Craaaaack~

The sound seemed to have lingered in the background while we glared at each other with determination to win the bout. He has won the most, granted he was teaching me, but I only managed to win by dumb luck. We grunted and chests expanded then deflated.

The wooden knife in half in our hands.

Erwin's grip loosened on my free hand and I transferred the splintered and broken weapon. I blocked my face from getting another hit, slicing my skin with the splinters and accidentally dragging the broken end of the knife across the back of my hand longways. Erwin pushed off of me and now it was my turn to flip the table on him. My legs pushed me forward and I drove at his legs, making sure to take the giant tree down to the ground. Crawling upwards, I grabbed at random spots of his clothing to help me up and hopefully help control him. I was not going to let him conquer. Not this time.

The fire burned once again.

And I was not going to lose!

"Ahhhgh!" I straddled his hips and brought the defective wooden blade upwards. I screamed my lungs out and made sure that every animal could hear it. Everybody was going to hear my victory. Erwin's ice blue eyes were dilated and full of shock. Enjoying his comedown, I pushed the weapon downward and sunk it in.

I sunk it into the ground next to his head.

~

One thing that clung to me from my past is the habit of sleeping naked. I loved how the cold air from the window would cool my body and my body would burrito itself into the blankets for warmth. Never once, have I ever regretted anything that I have done...

Except for one time...

My hands lingered from my hand and shadowed over my neck, rubbing it while the other fell to my side. I licked my lips slowly, biting at the cracks and tearing the skin off slowly. The pain bit me back while I tried to think, only the emptiness taking over. It felt like I was swimming in a large pond where there were no boundaries of earth, just water with colorful fish of all sizes and the water tasted salty on my tongue, making it water lightly.

Though I was swimming in this large pond, my stomach contorted and lungs burned in a fury. I was drowning in the emptiness of my skull and swimming with the ideas and memories that I couldn't understand though they were there and in front of me.

My windows were open. Frankly, the entire room was bare except for a bed and office area opposite of the room. There was a plain bookshelf full of, guess what, books- Some journals of my own and other were research- and then there were books upon books stacked on each other, next to one another, and laying down on the large shelf. My bed was metal, easily collapsible and non-permanent with thick blankets that were shoved off with the sheets crunched up in the middle.

I closed my eyes then felt my stomach, my fingertips gliding over the smooth skin lightly until I felt another scar at my hip, running upward towards my belly button. A gust of air breathed against my naked skin and weaved in between my feathers. "Huh.." My fingers prodded at the old scar that protruded like a mountain against the evenness of my surface. The visions came back to me, hard.

~

"Stop moving you piece of shit!"

"Erwin and Miche will find me! You won't get away with this!"

"Tch, such a cliche thing to say... I'm bored waiting around, let's make this fun!"

"D-Don't touch me! Stop! Put the knife away!"

"You think you can do whatever you want just because you are in the military, commanding people as if they are your victims..."

"H-ha Aaa!"

"That's right, scream. Cry, they won't hear you. I vow to make this hurt."

"By the walls, stop it! Erwin- Hanji- Fucking hell- Mitch!"

"Don't stop.. Don't stop screaming..."

"You are psychopathic bastard!"

"Your tears taste rich."

"Stop touching me...!"

"Your voice is getting fainter."

"Please, I didn't do anything."

"You sent my brother off to die, how can you sleep at night with the souls of those who died resenting you?"

"I-It is for the good of humanity!"

"If Man is what you are protecting, are you viewed human with these feathers?"

"I am as human as you."

"Ohhh~ I like that tone. Dull and hoarse~"

"I will kill you."

"Mmm, very nice. Go dream, my angel."

"I will... K-Kill you..."

"Is humanity still worth it if there is neither left?"

~

I blinked my eyelids suddenly and cleaned my eye, feeling something get into it. Sometimes, I wondered how it would be like to have my family again. Wondered how it would be to be with my father and mother once again, how it would be if I could just slip away into limbo to see them through the gates of heaven.

I would only be able to see them through the gates of heaven.

"No use thinking about them, they are dead." My feet carried me away from the large window and I sat on my bed. The wings of my back moved and aligned themselves on my back. Whenever I felt them, and anger blazed up inside of me that seemed to have brought within as a vengeance. I want them gone, I want them to be rid of my body.

Then there was depression because I couldn't simply rip them off, it didn't work that way. My back hunched forward and my mouth opened to let out a cry. Why did I have to have this? Did it have to be me? I just stared at the floor under my toes and stared at it. My stomach was empty and my body felt weightless. It was like I was dead inside with no emotion left, no tears left to cry out. My chested moved quickly and I heaved with an unexpected rapidity, a croak, scaring me slightly. I covered my mouth and gripped it tightly so I didn't do it again.

'Please, cry...' The voice in my head pleaded, begged me to release but I bottled it up. I was a captain now so I have to be strong for the people who are by my side. 'Cry...' It said once again. My eyes shut closed and body rocked involuntarily. The creaks of the bed echoed softly and my feet moved from the ground to the lower bar of the bed frame, slowly curling my body over my knees. I will not break down.