A/N Thank you all for your reviews. Your kind thoughts are much appreciated. I've replied to most of them I think, but if you sent one I have yet to reply to please don't think I'm not grateful for your response. I promise, I will reply to all reviews I receive in time.

I'm enjoying writing this. It's nice to see events from one perspective, but weave in and out of what might be going on in the minds of other people. I've tried to remember things Meredith knows about, but also mention things she might not know about, like the situation with Alex and Addison. I hope I'm managing to wonder about all these things in the way Meredith would. I think that if she had any idea Alex liked Addison 'in that way' she'd be fascinated, which is what I've tried to show. Anyway, enough of me, back to the story. As ever, read, enjoy and review.

Meredith stood, her mind caught up once again with memories of that morning, the morning that changed her life, and could even have ended it. She remembered telling herself that she needed a bath before work, they had the triage thing that day and she needed to take a moment just to think, clear her head, ready to deal with that. She told herself she was fine, everything was fine. So, her mother was having heart surgery that day, heart surgery that carried risks, but thousands of people had heart surgery every day. It was fine. It was all just fine. She tried to ignore the voice in her head that had been a constant companion since her mother was lucid.

'What happened to you? ….Ordinary……Ordinary.' The sound pounded against Meredith's eyeballs, each word a hammer blow inside her skull. It made her feel small and pathetic, like she wanted to hide, take herself away, just for a moment. If she could just hide away, disappear just for a moment, it would be fine. As Meredith slipped under the water she told herself that all she was doing was taking a moment for herself; a time out of sorts. That she was doing so in the bathtub was irrelevant.

Meredith sank down into the water. The sharp tone of her mother's voice in her head dulled to a low, muffled drone. As Meredith closed her eyes and relaxed, she could feel all the tension in her body falling away, melting like an ice-block left in the sun too long. She wallowed in it, feeling as if she was melting with it, slowly, slowly, disappearing. All the hurt, all the pain she'd ever felt seemed to be slipping further and further away. All that was left was….nothing. It felt good, so good.

The peace was suddenly shattered when Meredith was grabbed by two strong, familiar hands and yanked up out of the water. She vaguely heard him say her name and ask her what she was doing. She didn't reply; just let him help her out of the tub. Then he started talking, talking endlessly, asking again, what she was doing, that wasn't bathing, he knew what bathing looked like. Meredith told herself she didn't mean to get angry with him. He'd helped her dry off, watched her while she dressed and got ready for work, all the time his eyes blazing with concern and worry, and a thousand questions Meredith knew right now she couldn't answer, because even she didn't know. But she got angry with him, brushed him off, told him she was fine, everything was fine. She dismissed him, told him to leave for work without her. He left, taking her face in his hands and kissing her on the lips before he went.

Maybe if she'd been thinking clearly she would have realised that he was worried about her and was trying to help, but in that moment after he left, all Meredith felt was relief. Derek's presence, his constant questions and reassurances seemed like another pressure in her head at the moment. All she wanted to do was disappear, make everything just stop, make the sting of her mother's tongue just go away and Derek wouldn't let her. He was always there, saying things and all Meredith wanted to do was disappear.

Meredith went to work and soon the Triage rehearsal the interns were observing was cancelled because of a real emergency. Even now, weeks later, despite everything that happened that day, Meredith knew she would never forget the scene of devastation they saw when they climbed out of that emergency vehicle with Bailey. Even the experienced Resident, who was usually right on the nail in a trauma situation, didn't seem to know where to start. There was smoke and fire, and people running everywhere. There were casualties, so many casualties, with injuries of every possible description, burns, cuts, crush injuries. They got to work, there was no plan except to assess the injuries, treat those who could be helped at the scene, send the walking wounded to the Red Cross station on-sight, and get the most severely injured to hospital as soon as possible. Meredith worked solidly and quickly, recalling textbook descriptions of trauma injuries and how to treat them as she went, her mind focusing completely on the job in hand. Soon she had company. A lost little girl, a pretty little blonde thing, seemed to stick like glue, so, not wanting to leave the poor little thing alone, and not being able to find anyone to take her to the Red Cross station, Meredith held on to the child.

Later they came across Derek. He threw Meredith for just a second when he asked her if she wanted to get married. She stared at him for a second. There was chaos going on around them, bodies everywhere, sirens blaring and he was asking if she wanted to get married? She soon realised he hadn't gone crazy and found the stupidest time in the world to propose. He was still trying to find out what was wrong with her, assuming for a reason only he understood, because it was a mystery to her, that she was down because she wanted to get married and he'd never asked. Meredith remembered saying no and asking him the same, feeling almost scared of his answer. What if he said he did want to get married, would he leave her again now she had said she didn't? She was even more confused when Derek smiled and said no, looking pleased with himself that he could cross one thing off his list of things that could be bothering her. Wondering where the hell all that had come from, Meredith checked if he could manage before escaping as fast as she could, still with the little girl in tow.

Just a few minutes later Meredith spotted a man in the distance, on the ground. No one was helping him, he was on the ground, writhing around like he was in agony. Leaving the little girl with a police officer, she made her way over to him. He was bleeding, clearly from an arterial injury. She started to assess him when she felt a tap on her shoulder. The little girl again. After making the child stand with her back to the injured man, Meredith soon realised she couldn't get help from anyone else. She gently persuaded the little girl to help her find bits of equipment she would need to repair the artery and stop the bleeding, at least until the man could be taken to the hospital. She knew if she left him bleeding like that he would die. There was no option but to get the child to help.

Now, in the cold light of this day, Meredith recalled saying 'I don't talk when bad things happen' to the child who had been mute since she had stumbled across her. She wondered now how she could have allowed everything to spin out of control like that, how, even for a second, she could have thought of giving up. It had all just seemed simple. She knew now that an opportunity had presented itself and she'd taken it. It was easy.

Meredith finished attending to the man's wound and dressed it. She was talking to the little girl again, telling how much she'd helped and how brave she'd been. Then suddenly the man began to shake and moan with pain. Soon he was struggling, fighting against something only he could see. Instinctively Meredith reached out to him, her back to the edge of the dock with the water below. She tried to soothe him, knowing he was in pain, and covered him with her jacket. He struggled more, throwing his arm out as if by reflex. Meredith didn't see the arm as it flew towards her. All she knew was that one second she was on the dockside and the next the water seemed to be coming up to meet her. She barely had a second to cry out before the icy blackness consumed her.

Meredith jumped when she felt someone tap her on the shoulder. Derek. She turned to him, catching her breath. It was times like this that made Meredith wish she wasn't so damned small. There she was, in heels, and she still barely reached his shoulders. He towered over her. He stood on the podium with her now, looking at her like he did in a surgery when he, as her Attending, asked a question he expected her to know the answer to.

'One of us needs to say something', Derek said sharply, his tone suggesting that this wasn't a discussion so much as an instruction.

Meredith blinked. 'What?' she replied, her mind still caught halfway between the day she nearly died and the present. She looked up into Derek's eyes and felt herself go cold. He still seemed so far away, and so angry.

Derek released a breath, a frustrated sigh. 'One of us needs to say something to all these people, tell them what's going on, and what they need to do, whether they should just go home or…whatever'. That last word was laced with something Meredith was sure was sarcasm.

She nodded, trying to get her brain to catch up with him. It was difficult when he was standing so close but seemed so unlike himself. She looked back into his eyes, hoping that somewhere in them she would find something, anything that felt normal; that felt like he hadn't stopped caring, that he still wanted her, that he hadn't given up on her.

'I think it should be you'. Meredith's thoughts were interrupted by Derek speaking again.

'What?' Meredith gasped, as everything slammed into her, waking her up with a start. 'But I don't…I mean…..What happened?' she asked, realising for the first time what Derek was saying. He expected her to explain to all these people why there was no wedding today when even she didn't know what happened. Crap.

Derek undid in his jacket and shoved his hands deeply into his pockets. He sighed and shook his head. 'I don't know, one second they were about to exchange vows and the next Burke was telling me he couldn't do it. He said he didn't believe Christina really wanted to be married. He said he was sick of being the only one in the relationship who was really trying. He didn't want to spend the rest of his life with somebody who didn't really want him….who didn't want to commit herself to him, so he stopped the wedding and left….I don't think Christina understood what was happening'.

Derek sighed again as he finished speaking. He must have used a lot of energy, Meredith mused, to say the words because he looked even more exhausted now than before. He kept looking at her, his eyes full of things Meredith couldn't work out. The only thing she could think of was that her friend, her person, had been dumped at the altar. She knew that she should be getting out of here to find Christina, see if she was all right, but something in her head was making her stay. Derek was still watching her, was still hardly a foot away. But, as Meredith looked at him again, really looked at him, she knew that he'd never seemed so far away than he did at this moment. Even in those months when he was back with Addison, trying to make his marriage work, he'd never seemed as far away as he did right now.

Suddenly the weeks since she'd almost died raced through Meredith's mind; the way Derek was standing waiting for her to wake up in the hospital, his face tired and…relieved. Then he'd had to tell that her mother was dead. Meredith wondered how she could ever begin to explain to him how she had known that without sounding crazy. But, Meredith realised, he'd looked scared, as if he didn't know how she'd react when he told her. He'd sat by her bedside at the hospital long into the night, crouched down to her level as she lay, exhausted and sore from the prolonged resuscitation attempt, talking to her, holding her hand and then he'd climbed onto the bed with her and taken her into his arms and she'd fallen asleep, the warmth of him taking the last chills of the freezing water away from her body. Why, Meredith asked herself, didn't she realise how tightly he was holding her that night, as if he couldn't bring himself to let go of her, why hadn't she said something to him when she woke the next morning and found him, still in the same position, awake and watching her, just as if he'd never closed his eyes?

Meredith remembered the days following her release from hospital, days where she really did feel better, more positive than she'd ever felt. Or, she asked herself now, was that just the euphoria she felt that she'd cheated death, got something back from a life that had systematically stamped all over her all her life? But even as she told herself she was being positive, she wanted to be better, to do everything better, Derek was obviously in another place. He was hovering, going out of his way to check up on her, even at work. He was everywhere, all the time, asking if she was all right, taking every chance he could to hold her in his arms and kiss her, or smell her hair, as if he was literally trying to inhale her. At first it was nice. It was nice to be held and kissed, and loved. Then, when he became over-protective, trying to shield her from anything that would cause her stress or worry, it became too much.

Meredith was used to dealing with everything alone. She'd been alone all her life. She couldn't understand why Derek couldn't see she was fine, that she was coping, so she told him to stop hovering, that she didn't need him to protect her, she could look after herself. It was then, Meredith could see now, that he started to slip away. Of course, Meredith didn't see it at the time. She thought he was worried about the race for Chief that had been occupying all the Attendings in the running since Chief Webber announced he planned to retire. She knew he thought he'd ruined his interview with the Board. When, in bed that night, she'd asked him how it went, he sighed heavily and told her that he'd been distracted; he didn't say what had distracted him. They'd ended up making love, and, in the afterglow, when she was clasped tightly in his arms, she told herself that everything was fine. He was worried about his interview, and as soon as he could he'd speak to Webber, ask him to support him with his vote. Then he'd get the Chief of Surgery position when Richard Webber retired, and he'd be fine. They would be fine. She refused to even think about the drowning any more. She was fine.

Out of the blue Susan, her father's second wife tried to make friends with Meredith. Meredith recalled how, at first, she'd tried not to get involved with this woman. Then, over time, and with persistence, Susan slowly became part of her life. They became good friends. Susan wasn't her mother, didn't try to be, which Meredith learned to appreciate.

Susan and Meredith became close at a time when Derek seemed to slip further away. He'd tried to get Meredith to talk to him, really talk. Meredith could see now, he was trying to be part of her life, someone who was there for her all the time, even when she thought she could manage by herself. Meredith realised now that how she'd responded to that had been childish. Derek had started staying at the trailer again, something he hadn't done since they'd got back together, so Meredith decided to give him a running commentary on all her daily whereabouts and activities, telling him all the mundane things like what she'd eaten for lunch and so on. She knew even as she was doing it that he didn't mean that he wanted details of the minutiae of her life, he was asking her to let him in, to allow him to be close to her. Now she could see she was scared of that, scared of committing to something that could so easily go wrong again, so she'd trivialised it. She knew now that turning up at the trailer and trying to seduce Derek into bed like that wasn't how she should be dealing with things, but she didn't know how to fix things without bringing everything out into the open, which she just couldn't face yet. She didn't plan on Derek being unable to wait.

'I don't know if I canI don't know if I want tokeep trying to breathe for you'. Those words crashed into Meredith's consciousness, waking her up, setting alarm bells ringing all over her body. Derek had talked about the drowning, confronted her with the reality of him having to try to revive her – why hadn't she ever asked him how she got out of the water, she asked herself now, had he pulled her out? But then, that night, his words terrified her. It felt like he was saying they were over. He'd said he loved her and wanted her…but still. Trying to hold back tears that she just couldn't shed in front of him, she left him alone and went home. When she got there she sat up most of the night trying to think of what she could say to make things better. Eventually, in the early hours of the morning, just as dawn was breaking, she knew. She had to convince him that she wanted to let him in, she was trying, and he couldn't give up on her. Then, just as she thought she was getting closer to Derek again, Susan died.

A/N I know, a funny place to leave a chapter, but if I don't it will be ridiculously long in comparison to the others. I've struggled a bit with this one, but it feels now like I'm over a hurdle. I think in this I've switched back and forth between Meredith at the wedding and Meredith in the events covered so far in the show more than in the previous two chapters. I hope I've made it clear which is which and why I'm doing that. Anyway, more very soon. Please read and review. It will help me tremendously if you do.