A/N Thank you all for the lovely reviews for the previous chapter of this. I hate whining about reviews, but as those of you who write know, feedback is useful in helping us to improve what we write. I also think it encourages us, helps us to know that someone has read and been touched enough by a story to respond to it. I should say, I have made a small amendment to chapter 4 of this, just to make something towards the end of the chapter make more sense. It isn't vital, but looks better, so if you want to read that again I won't mind…as long as you then come back and read this.

Anyway, here we are, in what I'm sure (OK, ninety-nine percent) will be the final chapter of this. I really do want this finished before the season finale, and, seeing as that is shown in America tonight, I don't have much time…I think. I'm never certain about the different time zones in America in comparison to the UK, where I'm from. We don't get season 3 starting over here until the end of this month, so, believe it or not, I'll be seeing the drowning all over again. Does it sound sick to say I can't wait? Anyway, I'm rambling, putting off the inevitable. I'll shut up. Please read and review, but as ever, most of all, enjoy.

Meredith took one last look at Derek. She studied him. She saw the anger in his eyes, the firm set of his jaw, as if he was grinding his teeth, forcing himself to keep control over something that was desperate to burst from him. She noticed once more the dark circles under his eyes, the fleshy bags accompanying them, the clear indicators that he hadn't slept properly in….well, a long time. She noticed his skin, saw how pale, almost sickly he looked. She wondered for a second how she could have not noticed the mess Derek was in. For a moment the twist of guilt she felt building up inside when she looked at him threatened to overwhelm her. She wanted, just for a moment, to throw herself at his feet and beg forgiveness for what she'd done to him. She forced the urge away. Now wasn't the time for begging. It was time for her to step up and show Derek Shepherd that she wanted him in her life, to show him that she trusted him enough to let him in.

Turning her attention towards the gathering still seated in front of her, she stepped forward and stood on the edge of the podium. Sensing that something was about to happen, everyone suddenly became silent, the tidal wave of sound from before disappeared, like it had been sucked into a vacuum.

Meredith glanced around at the people before her and considered what to say. Bailey was still sitting next to Sloan, her eyes staring at Meredith intently. Meredith knew in this moment that there might be consequences for her career when she admitted the mistake she'd made this year, a mistake that almost killed her. Bailey had the power to take her out of surgeries, she had the power to make Meredith do labs and sutures for the rest of her residency if she thought Meredith wasn't mentally sound enough to be trusted with patients lives. A coil of apprehension knotted in her stomach.

Then there was Derek. There was that night they'd met in the bar and ended up spending the night together. There were those first days when she'd tried everything to not get involved with him and he'd just kept pushing. Then there were those painful months when he was trying with his marriage, when Meredith was pining for him. At first she'd dealt with it by being angry with him. He'd hurt her, she'd trusted him and he'd hurt her. She felt used, as if he'd deliberately deceived her. But then there were all the times when she saw him at the hospital. All the long, lingering glances, the smiles, the way he'd tried to help her get her mother on an experimental treatment for her Alzheimer's. There was the day when she'd just watched an elderly patient die, surrounded by people who cared for her, when it suddenly dawned on her that her mother could die alone. The thought had horrified her. She worked herself into such a state about it that she began to hyperventilate. She found refuge in a supply closet and fought desperately to catch a breath and control the panic that was writhing around in her insides. Then, out of the blue, Derek appeared. He gave her comfort, halted the storm of emotion that threatened to overwhelm her. Instinctively she gripped his hand and leaned on him and he let her. It was in these moments when, even though Meredith knew he was married, even though she knew he wasn't really hers, she knew he did care for her, that what they'd shared hadn't been a game.

She knew on the night after the code black incident at the hospital, when she'd almost ended up being blown up, that he'd been worried about her and he'd turned up at her place, even though his wife didn't know where he was. She'd asked him to remind her of their last kiss. Just for a second he looked like he was leaving. He was halfway through her front door when he turned, looked back at her, and, walking back inside, he told her. He remembered it in such vivid detail that Meredith knew that it had meant something to him; he hadn't just been marking time with her until his wife showed up.

Later there was that disastrous night with George and the doomed thing with Finn. Doomed, not because he wasn't sweet and kind and everything that a good boyfriend should be, but because he just wasn't Derek.

Then there was prom night and everything was pushed into sharp focus. They were fighting, yelling at each other, months of frustration falling around them like huge, biting, shards of broken glass. Meredith remembered turning her back on him, unable to stand the onslaught of words that rushed from him, words that sounded angry and confused and…..desperate. In the silence that followed his outpouring Meredith remembered turning. She faced him and saw that he looked as lost and desolate as she felt. She wanted to run from the look in his eyes, the pain, the loss, the tumult of emotions racing across his features. And then, Meredith didn't know how it happened, the only thing she knew was that she was in Derek's arms and he was kissing her. Soon they were making love and even though they both knew it was wrong, it didn't stop it feeling so right.

Within weeks they were back together and they were happy. All the pain from before melted away, vanished, like a bad dream slips away in the morning light. Derek was free and Meredith was content. Until everything slipped out from under her and she was falling. Now, as Meredith opened her mouth to speak she knew that she'd spend the rest of her life doing scut, she'd accept peer counselling with Sydney Herring, she'd do rectal exams forever, just so long as she could fix things with Derek. Knowing that she couldn't look at Derek, sensing that if she did she would fall apart, Meredith focused on the rows of faces in front of her and began to talk.

'I know Christina and Burke would like to thank you all for showing up today' she began slowly, carefully choosing her words. 'I'm sure you all hope, as I do, that whatever has happened today can be worked out and the wedding can be rescheduled'. A murmur passed through the gathering at this, some agreeing and some clearly thinking that Meredith was crazy, certain that whatever had gone wrong, it couldn't be repaired, after all, neither the bride or groom were in sight.

Meredith continued, ignoring the whispers. 'I'm sure by now everyone is ready for a drink. Joe has kindly offered the bar for our sole use today. I'm sure Christina and Burke won't mind you making use of that…and if Christina says anything you can tell her to speak to me…..' A faint buzz of laughter followed this and then people began to rise, eager to leave this place that was becoming warm and stuffy from the mass of bodies radiating heat.

Meredith raised her hand, indicating that she had something more to say. The entire gathering seemed to stare at her for a second, uncertain of what was going on. They all began to slowly sit, chairs scraping noisily on the tiled floor as everyone took their places again.

Meredith took a quick glance towards Derek from the corner of her eye. He was standing at the bottom of the podium now, his eyes fixed on Meredith again. However, this time he didn't look angry. He looked like he was waiting for something. She could see the question in his eyes, in his stance, even in her peripheral vision. His hands, which moments before had been in his pockets, were hanging from his sides, the palms gripped in tight fists. His jacket was buttoned again. He looked smart and immaculate. His mouth was slightly open, just like he was taking a breath.

'This has been a difficult year', Meredith began, feeling her way towards what she wanted to say. 'It has been a year of new beginnings, and lessons and difficult, often painful, choices'. Meredith sensed the atmosphere becoming tense. It seemed that every eye in the room was on her, some, she knew, because they wanted her to shut up so they could get to Joe's for a much-needed alcoholic refreshment, others because they were curious. Swallowing down a slightly nauseous sensation in the back of her throat and trying to ignore the way her heart was trying its best to throw itself out of her chest and into the front row, she went on, not daring to risk seeing if Derek was still listening.

'It has also been a year of mistakes'. Meredith took a second to steady herself for what she had to say. Then, as if by magic, the words took shape in front of her. 'We are surgeons, doctors. We make decisions every day for our patients, decisions about treatments and medications. We decide what course of action to take against diseases and conditions. We decide how best to treat injuries, whether to go into surgery or not. We decide when it is time to stop treatment. We choose when it is time to let go and let nature take its course.'

Meredith swallowed hard. The whole room was still silent. The only sound she could hear was the frantic beating of her heart. She steadied herself and went on.

'Sometimes we make the wrong choices. We give an incorrect medication, get a dosage wrong. We make a wrong cut in surgery. We try to prolong a life that can't be saved, or give up on a patient who has a chance for recovery if we would just give more time. We can sometimes hurt our patients with the choices we make. If we are lucky we can repair the mistakes we make. Sometimes the mistakes are too great to be fixed and we have to deal with the consequences.'

Meredith knew that this was the moment of truth. It was now or never. She had to go on. She had to repair the damage she had done…if Derek would let her. Taking a calming breath, she carried on.

'As doctors we know the damage we can do when we make mistakes. As people, as human beings, we try to avoid it. We try to run away, we try to escape, even if, in doing that, we hurt the people we care about…who care about us.'

The room was starting to spin just a little. Meredith's heart was pounding in her ears, but still, she knew she couldn't stop. If she stopped now she would never be able to put this mess right.

'I made a mistake this year. I did something that I know now was wrong. I did something that I thought would make me feel better. What I didn't realise then was that thing I did, that mistake, has hurt someone….someone I care about very much…someone I love'.

Meredith was sure she had never seen so many faces looking quite as bewildered as this. Just about every person in the room was listening, almost avidly, to every word she was saying. It was like they were all reading the same book, or watching the same T.V. show, except she was the only one who'd read the last page or seen the cliffhanger ending before the credits began to roll.

'I was hurt', Meredith continued, 'I was sad, and rather than allow the one person who was trying to care for me give me support, I pushed him away. Then, when I had a choice of trying to fight for myself, fight for my life, I gave up. I made the wrong choice and it nearly cost me my life'.

Meredith was vaguely aware of Bailey, her body language making it obvious that she knew what Meredith was talking about. She forced herself not to think about what that could mean. All she cared about was fixing things with Derek, even though, as she spilled everything that had happened to her over the last few weeks, she couldn't bring herself to look at him.

'I realised almost too late that I wanted to be with the people I care about, especially one in particular. I came back and at first I was determined to be better, to try harder, to focus on the future. Then…' Meredith hesitated just for a second, the weight of her feelings catching up with her. 'Then I let myself fall again, and in doing that I couldn't see that my mistake, my choice to give up, had hurt the one person who had tried to help me. I wouldn't see that I'd fallen into a trap of pretending that I was fine. I kept pushing away the one person who kept trying over and over to be close to me, who only wanted to care for me. He tried to support me again and again and I….'

Meredith's voice shook with emotion; she swallowed it down, forcing herself to stay in control, whilst tears rushed into her eyes. She knew she couldn't stop now. She had to keep trying. 'Don't be a dam'. She remembered now what her mother said that last time they'd seen each other, just before she passed into death and Meredith had gone back to her life. Now she knew what she meant. She couldn't stop now.

'I kept pushing…I pushed him away…He asked me to let him in, I promised him I'd try and I meant it, I swear….but still, I kept pushing…and now I don't know if I can repair the mistake I've made. ….I don't know if I can repair the damage. …. All I know is that I want to because I love him'.

Meredith stopped and pulled herself together. Then, with a sigh, she continued.

'The decisions we make as doctors can have consequences for our patients. We can heal or we can do more damage with the decisions we make. We can do the same with the decisions we make for our own lives. The difference is that sometimes in medicine there are things that can't be avoided. Some things can and will always go wrong. There are unforeseen situations we can't change. We can change how we deal with the things in life. We can decide to be better, to stop avoiding our problems and allow people to care for us. We can face up to our problems and stop running away. It is time I stopped running'.

In the few seconds after Meredith finished speaking and stepped back from the edge of the podium, a pin could have dropped and everyone in the room would have heard it. They all sat, stock still, as Meredith's speech washed over them all. Then, as if someone had directed them, they rose. Chairs squeaked against the floor again as people stood and began to file slowly out of the room, all of them talking again, just as they had done earlier when Burke and Christina left. Meredith turned tentatively to see if Derek was still standing at the bottom of the podium. She didn't know whether to feel relieved or panic-stricken when she realised he was. She heard the last of the wedding guests leave the room, the large doors closing with a soft thud behind them. She continued to look at Derek, who was now studying his feet. He was staring down at them, almost as if they didn't belong to him, like he couldn't work out where they'd come from. He was deep in what looked like serious thought. Suddenly he seemed to sense that the room was empty. His head jerked up. Meredith caught her breath. Derek's sudden movement had startled her. She gasped slightly as Derek looked back at her. He had tears in his eyes.

A/N OK, I lied. One more chapter to come. Derek and Meredith are stuck in a room together with the doors shut. What could happen next? Please read and review. More soon.