A/N I'm so sorry I didn't get around to finishing this before the season finale. I wanted to, and then things got a bit manic. Then I saw the season finale as a download yesterday afternoon (Friday) and just….well, I don't know. I was just ridiculously, irrationally (considering they are fictional characters) angry with Meredith, and, truth be told, I still am. I was even in two minds as to whether to finish this, but I have to. I don't want to disappoint those of you who have been so kind with your reviews.
It's the destructive behaviour that Meredith in the show has got herself into that really upsets me. I mean, the girl has issues, but she is also supposed to be an intelligent woman! Doesn't there come a time when you have to face your problems? She just seems intent on hurting Derek and destroying herself and…it bugs me. Did she learn nothing from the near death experience, because frankly it appears not, and makes that story-line seem trite and vaguely ridiculous now. How on earth is Grey's going to pull all that they've broken down in the finale back without losing the viewers respect and without losing credibility? Can anyone see why I'm disturbed, or am I being ridiculous? I see that it makes for great drama but it worries me that everything Meredith went through to be with Derek now seems to mean nothing and spoils the effect of the first two seasons, which were, along with season 3 (in its own way) brilliant. Season 4 will be interesting to see in terms of how all this evolves.
Anyway, sorry to vent! On with the story…At least my Meredith has a brain….and a conscience. Thanks to all my reviewers, a few consistent ones and one particularly supportive one especially. Now if you could just read and review this you'd lift my spirits immensely. I should explain now that this has inadvertently become my alternative version of the finale, complete with a slightly different setting for the wedding…and a maid of honour who can talk.
Meredith and Derek stood staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity. They were immersed in total silence. Soon, Meredith decided that she couldn't stand the space between them any more and she took a step forward, keeping her eyes on Derek. He watched Meredith move, seeming to absorb the sight of her with eyes that were still wet with unshed tears. Then, with a sigh, he took a step himself, standing still again on the bottom step of the podium. Meredith took another step, inching herself forward just a little. Derek followed, onto the second step of the podium. Meredith watched him as he moved. She saw that his hands, which were still in fists at his sides, were gripped so tightly together his knuckles were turning white, but still he didn't take his eyes off her. Meredith held his gaze with her own, flushing a little at the intensity of it. There was nothing sexual in his eyes, nothing that said he wanted to rip her clothes off her right where she stood and have wild, passionate sex with her. No, what Meredith saw as she looked into Derek Shepherd's eyes was pain, and loss and fear. Somehow that gave Meredith strength and, swallowing hard, with her heart beginning to pound again, she took another step. She watched Derek's shoulders heave in an almost violent sigh, before he climbed the final step to the podium and stopped, just a mere foot or so from where Meredith was standing.
Meredith's heart raced. She wondered how on earth she could begin. How could she begin to fix everything that had happened and would Derek want her to? She forced away the thought, knowing that whatever happened, she would never be able to live with herself if she didn't try. She decided there was nothing for it. She had to just take a leap.
'I…I passed my interns exam'. Meredith said, her voice sounding unsteady and husky amid the thumping of her heart. She almost closed her eyes against the stupidity of it. There she was with her relationship in tatters and all she could do was croak something about a damned exam. Stupid Meredith, seriously stupid, she thought.
An expression passed over Derek's features. His eyes began to shine and Meredith could see that just for a second he looked as if he was going to smile. He straightened his face quickly, his lips forming a line, and then he replied. 'Good…that's…good'.
Meredith nodded. She could sense the atmosphere in the room becoming more tense with each passing second. She didn't know how to fix things. She thought of something else to say. 'Did you get the Chief of Surgery position?' she asked, again mentally ripping out her own tongue for its determination to keep asking about work when there were other things to say…more important things.
Derek sighed, and to Meredith's amazement shook his head. 'No…Well, nearly'. Then he did smile; a sad, ironic sort of smile that vanished as quickly as it appeared.
Meredith blinked. 'Nearly?' She questioned him, the earlier uneasiness lifting as disbelief stepped in.
Derek smiled ironically again, the skin around his eyes crinkling in the corners. He looked and felt, exhausted. 'I was offered it….I turned it down...I told the Chief he was already the best man for the job', he replied, sounding almost casual, too casual, Meredith thought.
'You turned it down? But you want to be Chief, you know you do!' Meredith tried to hold back a sudden sense of panic. Derek had wanted to replace Richard Webber as Chief of Surgery for as long as she'd known him. Now he'd been offered it, even when he'd thought he'd messed up his chances in his interview and he'd turned it down? What was wrong with him?
As Meredith became more agitated Derek stood, his eyes still fixedly locked to hers. He was a picture of calm acceptance. He shook his head softly. 'No, I don't. I thought I did, but I don't. I was kidding myself. I thought that I'd come to Seattle to become Chief, that it would all be clear cut and simple. Now I know that it isn't clear cut, it's far from simple….and I don't want to be Chief, so I'm not'.
Something about the laid-back tone of Derek's voice made Meredith feel guilty. She couldn't explain it, he hadn't even mentioned her when he said he didn't want to be Chief, but somehow, somewhere inside, she knew it was her fault. Panic began to fill her, swamping her senses. She couldn't stand it any more.
'You have to be Chief Derek…..You came here to be Chief….You have to be Chief, you have to go and find Webber and tell him…Tell him you've changed your mind…Tell him you want the job…..It'll be all right…The Chief likes you….You have to tell him…You have to….You have to be Chief Derek….I can't….I….you….you have to….I can't…I can't….I'.
Meredith ranted. Her words were coming out one after another, between sharp, rapid breaths that made her heart race and her head swim. Vaguely, through the mist that was falling over her vision, she saw Derek move. Then, she felt herself moving forward until, suddenly, she was clasped in his arms.
'Take a breath Meredith. Come on, just slow, steady breaths. Easy, come on now. Nice and easy. Come on, nice…slow…breaths… You can do this Meredith. You can do this. Come on now, breathe.' Derek's warm, soothing tone reached out and washed over the tiny woman in his arms. As she instinctively leaned into him, she could feel his heart beating rapidly, almost painfully, in time with her own. She could feel all the tension in his body, every muscle tight, like they were being pulled by strings. She felt his arms tightening, just ever so slightly, around her.
Meredith tried to catch her breath. Tears were flowing down her face. Sobs, heart-wrenching, painful sobs that made her chest hurt wracked her small body. All that she could think was that Derek had been offered the job that he'd always wanted and he'd turned it down and somehow, even if he hadn't said so, she was to blame.
'You…Speak to Webber Derek…Promise….Promise me you'll speak to Webber….Tell him…Tell him you need the job…Tell him you made a mistake…Tell him…Promise me….I need…I need you to…I need…I need you to tell him…I need you to talk to Webber Derek….Please Derek…Please talk to Webber….Please talk….I need you to…..I need…I need you…'
Meredith was sobbing in Derek's arms. She was clinging to him now, all her senses telling her to hold on to him, not to let go. She clung on, gripping him, holding on to him, whilst the sobs continued. She felt his chin, resting on top of her head. She felt something wet in her hair, and without even looking up, without moving away from him, which she couldn't make herself do, she knew he was crying too. He was whispering to her, muttering softly, just breathing comforting, gentle words, soothing words, in her ear, his voice thick with tears. It made her cry harder.
She thought of all the times when he'd tried to comfort her. She thought of when her mother said she was ordinary. She thought of all that time after she drowned when she'd accused him of hovering. She thought of the night Susan died and her father slapped her. Derek had wanted to help her, to comfort her and she'd pushed him away, even after swearing she was trying. Then there was the day of the funeral. He'd even bought a suit and she had pushed him away. She thought of those terrifying moments when she was dead and she'd realised that if she didn't go back she'd only ever get the slightest whiff of him, and yet somehow she'd still pushed him away. She couldn't stand it, couldn't bear the pain of it any more, and yet still, even now, he was there, crying with her, holding her. He was still there, for her.
'I…I'm so sorry Derek…I'm so, so sorry…Please….Please don't…Please don't give up…Please…I can't…I can't…I never meant to do it Derek…I never meant to push you away…I was frightened….Knew I'd got it wrong…Done the wrong thing…I gave up…I know I gave up…I stopped swimming….I didn't know…I swear, I didn't know…She said I was ordinary…and I thought….I thought…'
Suddenly Meredith was being eased out of Derek's arms. She tried to hang on to him, but he eased her away, slowly, as if moving her was costing him. She opened her mouth. She was terrified he was about to walk away, say he couldn't do it any more. Then, to her amazement, she felt his hands clasping her face between them, just like he'd done so many times before. He turned her face up to look at him. His face was awash with tears. He looked anxious and sad, he looked as if he had a thousand questions to ask, and yet….As Meredith looked back at him, she saw the tiniest speck of hope beginning to glimmer in the indigo pools of his eyes. Then he spoke, his voice surprisingly steady through his tears.
'You thought that because your Mother said you were ordinary that I would think you were too'.
It wasn't a question. It was a statement, a fact. He knew it. Meredith knew it. Just like an MRI scan showed up a brain tumour, he'd found the reason for Meredith's treatment of him. She couldn't bear the look in his eyes any more, the disbelief, the confusion. She bowed her head, shame coursing through her.
'Look at me Meredith…look at me' he repeated, his voice firm, and yet soothing.
She turned her face up to his again. She could hardly believe it when he smiled at her, that same, sad, ironic smile from before, when he said he'd refused the Chief of Surgery position.
'You are not ordinary Meredith, not even the slightest bit ordinary'. He said it carefully, not as if he was thinking out what he was saying, but as if he wanted her to know he was telling the truth.
'I could never think you're ordinary. Do you know what I think; do you know how I feel about you?' His eyes were wide. He held Meredith by the arms, his fingers caressing her elbows in tender, soothing strokes.
Meredith cried, not the agonised sobs from before, but a soft, relieved, silent sort of crying that was cleansing from within. She felt a weight lifting from inside her. She heard the question he'd asked. He didn't wait for a reply; he carried on, whilst all the time his fingers continued to stroke, moving from her elbows, he ran his hands gently up and down the length of her arms.
'I love you Meredith Grey. You're bossy, you argue back at me, you snore in your sleep, I've seen you pick your nose at times when you think I can't see you, like when I'm fishing or whatever, and I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone before in my whole life. Don't you see Meredith? Don't you know? You're the love of my life. I love you, I love you so much that it actually hurts me, so when you….when you…'
Derek stopped talking, seeming to suddenly be lost for words. Meredith watched his face become a shade paler. She felt his fingers trembling against her skin. She knew what he was trying to say. He was talking about when she died. She was tempted, so tempted, just for a moment, to change the subject, try to gloss over things. Then she remembered all the times when she'd pushed him away and avoided things. She couldn't do that any more, even if facing things was painful. She had to put things right.
'When I died?' Meredith whispered the words, but still, when they were out, Derek gripped her arms tightly, just as if she'd yelled them out and startled him. His eyes widened. He released a long breath of air when Meredith reached up and took his cheek into her hand. 'It's all right Derek. It's all right. I'm here, so just tell me. Tell me what happened to you that day, please, just tell me'. She coaxed him gently, tenderly, needing to fix the expression of agony in his eyes. He sighed heavily, his lips trembling with emotion, and then, quietly, he talked.
'It was hell Meredith. It was sheer hell'. Derek seemed to look beyond Meredith now, his eyes clouding over with bitter, painful, memories. 'I realised you were missing and I went to look for you. Then I found that little girl, the girl who was lost. It took a while for her to show me. She was traumatised, obviously she was, and I…Meredith I was so scared. I didn't know where you were. All I remembered was getting you out of the bath that morning. I was scared, but I had to get the girl to show me. So I asked her where you were and she took me to the edge of the dock. She pointed her finger towards the water and I knew….I knew you were in the water so I jumped in. I couldn't leave you down there Meredith. I couldn't. I'd told you…I promised you I'd always show up, so I had to come and get you'.
Meredith wept. So he had saved her. He had been the one to get her out of the water. He was the first to see her in that state. At medical school she'd seen pictures of drowning victims and people who had succumbed to hypothermia. It wasn't pretty and she'd done that to him. His words of another time, a time that seemed like a million years ago now came to mind. 'It was like I was drowning and you saved me'. He was speaking metaphorically, she knew that. But he'd done it literally for her, and she'd pushed him away. Then Derek was speaking again.
'I found you. I got you out of the water and you were so cold, like ice. I got you into an ambulance, carried you. I couldn't let anyone else touch you. You were mine. I had to get you back. I started CPR at the scene, but you weren't breathing and your heart wasn't beating. I was so frightened I couldn't think. All I was doing was giving you CPR and some drugs that were supposed to work, but they didn't. I did CPR for an hour but you just wouldn't come back and I thought….I thought…'
The memories became too much and Derek was sobbing. He took his hands from Meredith and put them over his eyes in a desperate attempt to hide the tears. He tried to turn away from her, a macho reaction to showing such raw emotion. Meredith saw what he was trying to do. She realised there had been enough running away from feelings and it had to stop. She grabbed him as tightly as her strength allowed. She took him in her arms. Still, through his sobs, he kept talking.
'We got to the hospital…They wouldn't let me…They kept me away from you…I wanted to be near you….Needed to get you back…I promised you….I promised…I'd always show up….I let you down Meredith….I failed you…I left you again…I never meant to…Never meant to leave you….Had to…They made me…The Chief…Bailey…..Addison….'
Meredith couldn't believe what she was hearing. Derek blamed himself for leaving her that day! She knew it was hospital policy that had kicked in. Everyone in the hospital knew she was involved with Derek. God, at one point they'd been gossip-fodder for the entire building! So when she was being treated there was no way they would have let him near her and he'd blamed himself for leaving her alone. It was unbearable. She held him tighter, stroking his back, desperate to ease the pain that made him shudder to his finger ends and still, he kept talking.
'I had to sit there for hours while they worked on you. Burke turned up and worked on you too. He asked me what I wanted, so I told him I needed him to go in there. Then Mark turned up. You know, he sat with me. Normally I'd have told him what he could go and do with himself, but I couldn't. I needed someone with me and he was. For a while he was my friend again….But I needed you Meredith, I needed you and you were dead and….I felt useless. I remember sitting in the waiting room next to the E.R. and there was this man...about fifty-five he was. He said his wife had been run over on the ferryboat and he was waiting for news. He said that it's hard to find out from doctors what's happening. The stupid thing is I couldn't tell him that I'm a doctor. I couldn't tell him that I'm a neurosurgeon, that I've saved lives, because I sat in that waiting room and I felt just like every body else. I sat there and I didn't feel like I was in control, I didn't have that feeling where I knew exactly what was going to happen. I didn't know Meredith. I didn't know if you would come back…and I've never been more scared, more frightened, of anything in my whole life. Meredith if you hadn't….If you hadn't come back I don't….I don't know what I would…..and then I yelled at your mother…..'
Meredith thought she'd heard incorrectly. 'What?' she asked. Derek pulled back out of her arms. He bowed his head. He'd stopped crying so hard, but tears still crept softly down his cheeks. It was like he couldn't make them stop, even if he wanted to. He heaved a shuddering sigh.
'I went to change. Mark made me go. He said I stank of the water. I remember changing and then I don't know….Something made me go and sit in your mother's room. She was asleep at first and I remember stroking her hair, but it didn't feel right and it didn't smell good like yours. Then she woke up and demanded water. I gave it to her and the next thing I knew I was yelling. I told her that every good thing you are is despite her. I told her that you might not survive and if you didn't it was her fault. I knew I was being irrational, but she was there and she looked so damned calm, so shut off that I just couldn't….Addison found me. She practically dragged me out of there. Then a little later your mother arrested….I was just outside her room so when the code was called I went in, it was like a reflex. We did everything Meredith…I swear, we did…I did everything, but she'd gone and I I'd let you down again…I should have got her back. She hadn't even been down that long. I should have…'
Meredith shook her head firmly. She grabbed Derek's face and made him focus on her. 'Now look Derek. My mother was sick. She had a heart problem and she had Alzheimer's. In a few years she would have been dead anyway. You know I didn't want her to die alone and now I know she didn't. Now I know you were with her and even though I miss her, even though I wish I'd got the chance to get close to her, I know she didn't die alone, so you don't have to feel guilty. You didn't kill my mother Derek. You yelled, sure, but she just died. It isn't any more complicated than that. So just stop feeling guilty about it.'
Derek looked at Meredith uncertainly. Then, seeing her determination, seeing how she obviously meant every word, that none of it was to kid herself or him, she really didn't blame him for her mother's death, he heaved another relieved sigh.
Meredith slipped her arms around Derek's waist and looked deeply into his eyes. 'I've behaved really badly to you since the drowning…and probably even before…'
Derek shook his head, 'No, listen, I know I've had to earn your trust back, I know I hurt you before and it'll take…'
Meredith interrupted him, cut off his flow of words, just as he'd done. 'When you left before it did hurt me, that's true, but you were trying with your marriage. I told you once that you wouldn't be you if you weren't trying, that it proves I wasn't wrong about you, and I still think that. But Derek, you tried to help me and I kept pushing you away. I felt so bad about what I'd done that I just kept lashing out at you. I didn't even realise I'd scared you so much. It was like I was punishing you for my mistake, and I don't want to do that any more, I won't. I do put my friends before you, I know I do, and as of now, that stops. I'll get a lock for our bedroom door, we'll start going out once a week or something, just us, on our own. Not to Joe's, somewhere further away, where they don't know us or….if you want….'she added, suddenly sounding unsure. Derek was staring at her, like he'd stopped listening eons before. 'Derek?' she said his name, her voice sounding unnaturally high.
'You said 'our bedroom' he said, as if he couldn't believe it.
Meredith frowned. 'What?'
Derek grinned now, it lit up his face. 'You said 'our bedroom' like mine and yours. It's usually just your room and I….I think I'm a sort of house-guest…With benefits….good benefits….but still….'
Meredith smiled impishly, catching his mood. 'A house-guest huh, well, now you're not. We live together, just at the house sometimes, or the trailer sometimes, but you are not a house-guest….besides, house-guests don't cook and seeing as I don't cook and you do…well, you're nice to have around'.
Derek smiled brightly at her, seeing that she was being funny with him. Then he became serious again. 'You know, when I told you about that woman in the bar, I wasn't trying to hurt you. I was angry, I was hurt, I admit that, and I might have been trying to make you jealous, but Meredith, I swear, nothing happened. I wouldn't do that. I couldn't. Not to you. I love you Meredith. I'll love you till the day I die and then I'll love you more, so I don't want you to think you have anything to worry about, because you don't'.
Meredith felt the tears in her eyes again. 'I love you too Derek. I love you so much'. Then she remembered something. 'But one last thing Dr. Shepherd', She used his formal title, which she knew he didn't like.
'What?' he asked, his eyebrows raising.
'I do NOT pick my nose!' She glared at him and gave him a not so gentle poke.
Derek broke into a peal of laughter. It made Meredith's toes curl, which she was sure was far too girly, but she didn't care right at that moment. Somehow she thought it would be a while before she did.
'Yes you do!' he replied, still laughing. Meredith opened her mouth to reply. Just as she did Derek grabbed her and, pulling her up against him, he kissed her. It was tender and passionate all at once. He caressed Meredith's lips with his own. He groaned when Meredith pushed her way into his mouth, her tongue meeting his. He eased back a little and nipped Meredith's lips, making her shudder against him. They eased back after a long, breathless moment.
They looked deeply into each other's eyes, their humour not disguising the deep emotions between them. Derek broke the spell first.
'Meredith' he said questioningly.
Meredith looked into his eyes and raised her eyebrows. She knew that look.
Derek stared, his eyes smouldering, just a little bit. 'Are you still….horny?'
Meredith laughed and edged closer, deliberately rubbing herself against him. He gasped just a bit and she smiled. 'Oh yes' she said simply, provocatively.
Derek leered. 'Trailer or house?' He asked just like he was asking about the weather.
'Trailer…We can make as much noise as we like in the trailer…' She was practically panting already. She wanted him so badly.
Derek stepped back and then he took Meredith's hand in his. He placed a kiss in her palm that made her shudder with desire. Then he clasped his hand with hers.
'I think that's a great idea Dr. Grey' he said, his voice laden with desire.
They left, Meredith making a mental note to call Christina in the morning and see if she needed anything. For tonight all that mattered was Derek, being with Derek, and nothing was going to stand in her way. It was time to move on.
A/N Well that was my take on the finale. I know, the end is hopelessly fluffy. I was in the mood for fluff. It makes me feel better. Please review, I like it!
