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I was never a troubled child. Nor was i rebellious by nature. I spent my days reading medicine dreaming of the time i would soon become a renowned doctor. you think that would make me a decent person by default, right? Wrong.
Very, Mistakingly wrong. And I am no longer a naive child anymore.
"I'll be back sweetheart, Ino and I are in desperate need for a pedicure." I whispered back into the house knowing he had long stopped questioning my whereabouts.
He nodded absentmindedly not really seeming to care, all though I knew how much pain feathered across his face as I closed the door as gently and seamlessly as I could and just tried my damnedest to forget it… at least, for now
I lie awake that night in the arms of another and the only thoughts that flew across my mind were of an orange clad, hyperactive man. Another man the exact opposite of the one I should be lying next to. I craved his touch and every fiber of his being since i first set eyes on him in grade school. He was/is the picture of perfection. Tall, dark, and handsome never seemed to fit someone better in that category than him. it glossed around him and exuded his whole exterior. however much he tried to hide this fact, he was in fact human and did carry emotions in his arsenal. Only a select few knew of this and i proudly and shamelessly squeezed myself into that criteria whether i let him know it or not.
And unfortunately for him, he knew.
When he disappeared, abruptly might i add, during middle school. I was devastated. 14 year old me felt my life was ending. I just simply never would recover the loss of my one true love. I learned how to force a smile onto my dead face and trudge through the day as an annoyance when the light of a new morning use to be a blessing. Oxygen I used to breathe began to feel like poison in my lungs. The pain I carried with me so subconsciously it had wrapped around me like bandages under my clothes. Not quite seen but always there. Suffocating my very existence and killing me internally.
My mother just called me melodramatic.
In the midst of my loneliness, the sun started to slowly part its way through the clouds in the form of big blue eyes the color of the sky.
"Naruto" I whispered on that very first night. The worst betrayal a wife could ever commit to the one they are suppose to share their life with. The name just shattering my soul with the wake of what I had done.
I turned around and stared at the lump beside me. His dark hair sprawled across the silky fitted pillow where golden tresses should be lying next to me.
He came back to me when I had already committed myself to another, his best friend and who am i kidding? His brother, the only one to truly understand his dark entity in ways I could not ever fathom to begin. The sheer look of vulnerability and something else I could not quite put my finger on were in his soulless eyes when he first caught sight on my interlocked hands with another. One that was not his.
Im still unsure of whether he should have came back or not.
I tried to ignore his presence, reminding myself everyday of the one I had truly promised myself to. One who has never wronged me nor has he abandoned me.
But I just could never quite ignore the lust I held in my eyes when the grand trio of us would simply be watching a movie together and my eyes would wander over to his profile. The deep hollow in his eyes beckoned me to follow, the complexity held within those dark, mysterious orbs paralyzed me and shook me to my very core.
How was I ever suppose to choose between comfortability and security versus true inexplicable bliss and uncertainty. But worry not. The choice was not ever mine to make. While I betrayed my sun, my body betrayed me. Always aching for the other man and I could not hide it no more.
I thought of confessing and being honest. But gazing into the longing blue orbs and earth-shattering smile of his and my tongue would dry up quicker than the blink of an eye. I could never quite tell my incredibly sweet husband who i vowed to spend the rest of my life with that his very worst fears were undoubtedly and agonizingly very true.
So not only am I a liar, I am also a coward. My parents would be so proud.
So I kept on, a simple one-night-stand that I had loathed myself for, hopelessly for several days, would never rear its ugly head in the shape of a cockatiel hairstyle wearing, intoxication of a man who could never come after me again.
But, alas, I could never forgot the touch he had burned onto my skin. The longing in both of our eyes as both of our heartbeats interlaced in a steady rhythm together, as if they were dancing harmoniously and oh so beautifully. My love for him only festered and never left as it slowly replaced the companionship I had before with a different man. A man who fought for my love and who gave his whole being to be with me.
But my sun's touch, while ever warm and kind, did not leave me needing more or my hands shaky with unsaid want.
In the workplace, i was known as the best medic. cardiothoracic surgery was my expertise. I was quite excellent in the damaging and repairing of hearts. The sense of irony would render my immobile in the halls. As I broke not one, but three hearts with my treachery. Ever. Single. Day.
i could never put down a puzzle. Once i had a symptom my brain would continuously search for an answer. And i would fix it.
Perhaps thats why my attraction for someone I should not be with was held so strongly and my heart expertly captivated in his large hands. He was a puzzle no one could solve. I do not even think he, himself, knows quite what to make of his presence in this world.
He also happened to wear as smirk as if it were his favorite cologne. I took it as a silent challenge.
"hn"
i heard a murmur beside me as i looked up at the man who I loved so much it outweighed the disgust I felt for myself. At least some of the time.
My eyes softened as a tear slipped down my already reddening face.
"hn" i murmured back against the blanket. A silent acknowledgment.
Later on I would be found sneaking into my deluxe and very painstakingly beautiful house with freshly painted toes and a heavy heart as I laid in bed as far away from the man, who only wishes to caress me into my dreams, as earthly possible. Who's red face was staring back into my eyes as I drifted off into sleep and his pain stricken face would soon follow me into my slumber.
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