Chapter Two

Alice Ribbons loathed Chicago, more so Chicago in late winter.

Beaupre had parked their rented van on a miserable street surrounded by empty factories, a lonely spot overlooking the taxi depot where they expected to find their next clue. The whereabouts of the missing chip were paramount to the mission. No matter how they felt about the limited amenities available to them now, they had to endure them. Still, this didn't stop Alice from screaming internally at her predicament. She felt sick to her stomach having to put up with these lamentable conditions. She hated the sewer stink wafting from outside and into the van through the open windows. She hated the cheap veggie sandwich she could hardly call dinner, how the lettuce and tomato tasted like raw grass clippings, how it had way too much mayonnaise. She hated the cold, gunky coffee she had the misfortune of drinking. She hated airports, taxis, saboteurs, and – to add to her long list – Unger's nasal voice.

"Can't we get some heat over here?" the large man groaned from the backseat.

Alice rolled her eyes. "The engine, Mr. Unger, will draw attention to us," she replied with unmistakable frost in her tone.

"Then how about we close the windows at least?"

"The windshield will steam up. Do you want to lose the target that badly?"

"But I'm cold! I don't even have socks. I thought we were going to freakin' Hong Kong, not the icy armpit of America!"

"You can suffer a brief discomfort."

"Brief discomfort? Brief discomfort?! You kidding me?" Unger repeated mockingly. "Who flew coach from San Francisco to Chicago, eating cold spaghetti all the way? Me and Jernigan! Who flew first class, eating poached salmon and caviar for lunch? You and Beaupre! It's not fair I tell you!"

"Life's not fair, Mr. Unger. There's the exit. Use it anytime you want."

Unger retreated after that, but Alice could hear him muttering curses in the back. If she hated his guts, he no doubt hated her just as much, not only for her authority but also because he could never have her or any woman like her. She was far out of his league. The muscle-bound clod could only simmer in his impotence and watch this strong, independent female from a pathetic distance. Alice understood this, and she took every opportunity to put him in his place, to wound his pride. After having the chip stolen from her, she had few other comforts.

"Hey, would you look at that," Jernigan spoke up unexpectedly, like a maladjusted clock come to life. The sluggish tech expert of the team raised himself slightly from his seat next to Unger and pointed out the window.

Alice sighed. What could he be on about now?

She'd never been enthusiastic about Burton Jernigan. The obsessive-compulsive man with a clean-shaven near anonymous face certainly knew his way around computers. But around people he simply came off as a simpleton. Like Unger, he lacked any ambition or creativity, focusing always on details rather than the bigger picture, short-term solutions rather than long-term ones. Nonetheless, she decided to humor him this once. Anyway, he could be remarkably perceptive every so often. She turned her head in the direction of Jernigan's hand, and immediately regretted her decision. A shiver ran through her.

It was a rat! A giant, mangy rat! The filthy thing scuttled across the road and vanished under the van.

"Gross!" Alice snarled.

Unger grinned. "You really don't like rats, huh?"

"I absolutely hate rats!"

"Well, you know what they say about rats," Unger continued as he leaned forward. "They can get through any opening that's big enough for their heads."

The very thought of the ugly little monsters horrified her. Rats creeping inside the van! Rats closing in on her, touching her, getting inside her clothes! So dirty, so many diseases! Unconsciously, Alice leaned her body away from the door. Her heart pounded wildly. She glanced nervously at the open window, realized that there were four open windows all around her, and began to sweat.

Then she sensed something clammy slide down her arm.

"Aaahhh!" She released a girlish, high-pitched shriek that seemed to erupt from some secret place the rational, no-nonsense thief had long kept hidden. Her body convulsed. In the throes of terror, she flailed her arms, lost her grip on her unfinished sandwich and her cup of coffee. The food stuffs dropped right on her lap. The sandwich came apart midair, pieces of bread and lettuce and tomato flopping down upon her crotch with a squelch and sticking there as if fig leaves to a naked Eve. A ridiculously large amount of sickly white mayonnaise splattered her thighs. The coffee likewise drenched her, seeped through her designer slacks and silk panties, pooling underneath her pampered ass. To the shocked men in the van, watching her display in the dark, it looked and sounded as if Alice had wet herself.

The woman twisted her body left and right seeking out the imagined rodent. Her soaked buttocks squished about in the puddle of stray decaf, spreading out the mess, splashing it down her pants legs and onto her boots. There was, however, no rat to be found – except maybe for the human-sized one laughing hysterically in the backseat. Her cheeks reddened.

Alice shot a nasty glare at Unger, eyes flashing in anger. She clenched her teeth, reached for her pistol. "Why you – !"

"Oh, come on," Unger insisted, still snickering. "It's merely a brief discomfort."

"I'll – I'll – !"

"That's enough!" Beaupre exploded. Alice and Unger instantly quieted down. The older man massaged his forehead, lines of exhaustion showing across his face. "Don't you two know how serious this is? We have lost a chip worth ten million dollars. If we do not locate it soon, our client is going to come searching for us and he is not going to be happy. These are very powerful people we are dealing with. Believe me. None of you want to get on their bad side."

Alice's blush deepened. She hadn't been berated like that since she'd traded in her cotton knickers for classy silks and satin. To top it off, her clothes were ruined! She picked the soggy vegetables off her lap, flicked them out onto the pavement in a gesture of annoyance and disgust. She then folded her arms and slumped into her seat, fuming. Her curvaceous hips pressed further into the liquid mix of coffee and mayonnaise. The cold, nauseating feel made her hair stand on ends. Without any remaining paper napkins though, she could only brace her loins against the rapidly congealing ooze gathering between the crack of her ass and her pussy. She wished the mission would just end.

And, as if in answer to her plea, a yellow taxi carrying the numbers three-four-four-seven came to a halt in front of the cab depot.

"That's the one," Beaupre declared.

Unger and Jernigan strode out of the van, making their way across to the cab. Alice exhaled in relief. Finally, those two idiots were out of earshot. She motioned to Beaupre.

"They're driving me crazy. Just look at what they've done to me. I'll never get these stains out. Can't we ditch the two morons now?" she whispered.

"Don't worry," Beaupre assured her. "We'll lose the disposables soon enough. But not until we get that toy car and chip back. Pending such time, we'll need their muscle. Be patient."

They'd planned it from the very beginning, of course. When Beaupre first approached her with the scheme to transport the stolen chip to Hong Kong, they'd easily arrived upon an agreement to split the ten million dollar prize a clean fifty-fifty. They never intended to let Unger and Jernigan in on a cut. After all, why bother sharing good money with hired thugs? Henchmen had no say in anything, could be sacrificed at any minute. But she was more than a common henchwoman, Alice believed. She was a partner. Though half his age, she never doubted that she stood on level ground with Beaupre – two masterminds, two professionals, equals. It was just too bad, she thought, that Beaupre was a man. Without that handicap, he would probably have surpassed her by sheer dint of his age and experience. To be sure, Unger and Jernigan treated Beaupre with more respect, but Alice blamed that on the dimwitted duo's piggish chauvinism. So long as Beaupre showed her the deference she knew she deserved, she was satisfied.

As Unger and Jernigan returned, Alice couldn't help but smirk. By bringing them closer to the chip, these two dolts were unwittingly digging their own graves. The irony pleased her, and for a while she could overlook the fact that she was sitting in the gooey spillage of her former dinner.

Jernigan spoke first. "The cab took the old woman to Washington Street in North Devon Park."

"House number?" Alice asked.

"Cab couldn't see it," Unger interjected before Jernigan could say anymore. "But it's a big, old Tudor house on a dead end street. Christmas tree. Lights. Wreath on the door. Driveway ain't been shoveled."

Beaupre turned to Alice. "Are you positive this old woman has the toy car?"

"Without question," she replied. "The toy car couldn't possibly be with anyone else."

[…]

When the van arrived on Washington Street, Alice imagined another trick had been played on her. Perhaps the strong smell of caffeine and stale mayo emanating from her sopping wet posterior had skewed her senses. She scanned the site, took a moment to rub her eyes then did a double take. However, nothing changed the scene before her, and she sat dumbstruck, disbelief slowly giving way to anger.

She groaned. "All these houses are old. Most of them are Tudor. They all have wreaths and Christmas trees, and all the snow's been shoveled." Just what she needed – a perfect start! She wanted to go back and strangle the cab driver, or better yet strangle Unger over this little bit of misinformation. "So, genius, how're we supposed to know which house she lives in?"

Unger shrugged. "Beats me. Can't be too many grannies hanging around here. Holidays are out."

Alice cursed her luck. The very idea that she breathed the same air as these fools grated on her nerves. She looked to Beaupre, hoping that at least he would say something reasonable.

The more experienced thief, for his part, sat in silence awhile before moving the van back in reverse. Hands on the wheel, he set the battle plan. "We'll come back when it's light," he said. "I've counted fourteen houses. We're going to have to search them all."

Unger sounded his reaction first. "We're going to work houses in broad daylight?"

"This is the suburbs, Mr. Unger," Beaupre responded calmly. "Nobody's home during the day."

That's right, Alice thought. With people going to work and school in the day, houses should be empty everywhere. They'd retrieve the chip. No witnesses, no police. It was a pain, but she felt convinced that the situation couldn't get any worse. So long as Unger and Jernigan towed the line, this detour was naught but a brief hindrance to her new jewel-encrusted life of unending indulgence. She'd get the chip soon enough, plus the satisfaction of removing this plague of idiots from the picture.

In the meantime though, she seriously needed a change of clothes.