Chapter 15 She's Already Gone

Brenda smiled at Mike as she passed the front desk. He waved her over from afar. She had been back in London for almost a week and half and she had only seen him twice. Brenda didn't want it to be awkward with the kiss they had shared before she went back to L.A. but she hadn't had a chance to really talk to him about anything either. She had barely had time to catch up with Olivia. Brenda had pushed herself back into school and she had to catch up on lines and lectures. It was a relief to be back. She was happy she was back. One thing was for sure getting over Dylan was a hell of a lot easier being on the other side of the world. She tried to keep busy; she hadn't heard from him, she was almost relieved he had made a clean break and so had she because it was time. It was time to move on from the past and from Dylan. Brenda was tired of getting pulled down with him, she loved him but she needed to be herself. Find herself as a person, grow and mature. Brenda swallowed hard and walked toward Mike. She had told herself those things over and over and still she didn't believe them. Getting over Dylan was never easy and she still was as confused as to how she was always so easy to throw away. He acted one way with her and then he would change.

Brenda smiled clutching her notebook, "Hey Mike…how are you?" she said nicely waiting to see if it was awkward after all.

"Hey beautiful…how was L.A.?" Mike leaned his elbows on the table getting closer to her. Obviously it was not.

"Eye opening." Brenda nodded not getting into it but keeping it a smirk.

"That good huh?" Mike joked, "Here you have some mail…and I was wondering what you were doing tomorrow night?" Mike held the mail back as Brenda tried to reach for it.

Brenda cleared her throat subtly and placed her hand on the desk. "I don't know…why?"

"I have tickets." He smiled; he placed the mail on the desk close to her hand keeping it covered with his. He was most definitely flirting with her.

Brenda smiled back, "Tickets? Well what…kind of tickets?" Brenda tried to not be obvious with her flirting back. He was very cute and in the time she hadn't seen him, he had shaved his head and he looked totally different. His eyes popped more and he had some scruff on his face now. Brenda wasn't going to lie, he was hot.

"Theatre tickets, you interested?"

Brenda stared at him as he stared back at her. She slowly smiled at him and playfully rolled her eyes, "Maybe." She leaned in a little placing her hand over her mail and slid it toward her out from under his. She turned and started back to her room.

"Brenda?" Mike called out causing Brenda to turn around, "I'll pick you up at 7." He said totally ignoring the person in front of him waiting to retrieve their mail.

Brenda smiled, "Sounds good." She said as shook her head as she climbed the stairs feeling his eyes on her until she turned the corner. Brenda kept her smile as she unlocked her door and made her way in throwing her belongings on the bed. She had to admit she was smitten, more so than when she had left for home. She sat on the edge of her bed, picking up her mail and flipping through it. She looked closely at the envelope as the others dropped to the floor. It was from Dylan, from the Malibu treatment center. Her first instinct was to toss it, rip it up and not even look at it. The second thought was as curious as to what he could possibly have to say that it was keeping her from tossing it. She grumbled at her weakness and slid her finger under the flap tearing across it. She slowly opened up the letter, unfolding it and taking a big breath getting herself emotionally ready for it.

My Bren,

I think I understand why you didn't come say goodbye to me. I don't like it but I understand. Please don't be angry at me, I didn't do this because I don't want to be with you or because I don't love you. I did it because I do. Spending the time I spent with you was incredible and…

Brenda crumbled the letter in to ball and shook her head. She tossed it angrily at the door as Olivia opened it, hitting her right in the breast. "Owe." Olivia laughed holding on to her breast, "Settle down Whitey Ford." Olivia said picking up the letter.

"Who?" Brenda furrowed her brow.

"Whitey Ford…one of the three best World Series pitchers in history, played for the Yankees 1950 to 1967?" Brenda shrugged not having a clue. Olivia shook her head throwing her bag on her bed. "Whatever… I am from New York. What the hell are you throwing at my tit?" she held up the letter.

Brenda rolled her eyes, "He just makes me uh…like want to smack someone." Brenda clinched her fists.

"Damn, what does it say?" Olivia looked at it, wanting to open it but would never unless Brenda said it was ok.

"Go ahead." Brenda shrugged going over to her closet and rummaging through her clothes.

Olivia un-crumbled the letter and tried to straighten it out by rubbing it across her leg. "Did you read the whole thing?"

"Nope…stopped after incredible." Brenda said still with her back turned, fumbling angrily through her closet.

Olivia began to read out loud, "Spending the time I spent with you was incredible and I am not sure how I am supposed to let you go." Olivia looked up at Brenda who had slowly turned around. She kept reading out loud, "You have done so much for me and it was time I did something for you. Something that even though it drove me crazy even thinking about, it would only benefit you. You love acting Bren and you're good at it. You need to do this for you. I need to work on me…"

"Stop…I don't want to hear anymore." Brenda said putting up her hands as she closed her eyes.

Olivia glanced down and read the rest. "Brenda…let me at least finish it, its almost done."

"Why? It doesn't matter…I am here, he is there." Brenda shrugged sadly, "It didn't work out...it never works out."

Olivia not caring began reading again, "The clock will tick away the hours, one day the time will come when all the waiting's done. The time when you return and find me here and run straight to my waiting arms. I'll wait for you." Olivia looked sadly at her, "That is so sweet." Olivia was touched, "Very poetic."

"Yeah." Brenda exhaled, "That's Dylan for you." She rolled her eyes and sighed.

"What happened Bren? You never said why you came back or what really happened between the two of you."

"Nothing happened, we saw each other, we slept together, we wanted to be together again, he went to rehab and I came back to school."

"That's all? You went from moping around writing love letters back and forth to throwing those letters across the room and that's it, something else happened." Olivia crossed her legs and continued to look at her.

"Yeah…something else did happen, I decided I wasn't going to put up with his shit anymore, that's what happened. It's done…we're done." Brenda pulled out a short black dress from the closet, "Is this a good date dress?"

Olivia looked at her friend sadly, "You arent even going to write him back? Are you mad at him just because he told you to come back to school, I mean Bren, I don't get it?"

"Olivia…honestly why do you care and I just asked you if this dress was a good date dress and you didn't even ask me who I had a date with?" Brenda looked at her confused.

Olivia looked at Brenda and swallowed hard, it wasn't the time to tell her what she had done before knowing Brenda was returning to school. It was still too fresh and obviously Brenda was really hurt. Olivia decided she would wait and tell her, it would be best that way. She gave her a small smile, "Sorry…who is your date with? And yes that is an amazing date dress, you'll freeze your ass off…this isn't Beverly Hills girl." Olivia smiled more genuinely.

"What we do to look good." Brenda joked, "I have a date with Mike tomorrow night, he is taking me to the theatre." Brenda said in a British accent.

Oliva smiled and her eyes widened. She gave her a nod and bit the inside of her cheek, "So if Dylan were to show up here, you would tell him to get lost?" Olivia asked honestly.

Brenda smirked, "That's not going to happen and…" Brenda thought about it, "I would." She gave Olivia a nod back and turned toward her closet hanging her dress back up.

**

Dylan paid the taxi and slowly got out of the car. Two weeks in rehab and he was home, now the real struggles were about to start. No drugs…no booze…no Brenda. He had done well in rehab; he used them to the fullest. He discussed his mistakes and relationships, his sister and past evils. It felt good to talk to someone about it, someone he didn't know, someone who was educated with the kind of demons Dylan had. He looked at his house as the cab drove away and took a deep breath. He walked up to his front door unlocking it and swinging open the door. He knew Brandon had taken in his mail while Brenda was gone and it looked like he did so, considering it was neatly stacked on the mail table next to the phone. His house was spotless and neat, it was Brenda's doing, he would recognize it anywhere. Brandon and Kelly had come to visit him while he was in rehab, it was nice talking to them in a normal state and it gave Dylan a chance to apologize to them both for his behavior. He had talked to Kelly for a while about how sorry he was for the way he had treated her. That even though they weren't meant to be, he did have fun with her and he learned more about himself having gone out with her. He didn't include that he had learned what he didn't want or what he didn't want to become but the sentiment was there and at the end Dylan had given Brandon and Kelly his blessing as far as their relationship went and not to feel guilty about how they started.

Dylan dropped his bag as the sadness set in. She was here, living here, cleaning his house and now she was gone…because of him. Dylan went over to his kitchen table right away, Brandon had told him, Brenda had indeed gone back to London and she did seem upset. Brandon had told him Brenda left what looked like a letter and some stuff about bills but that was all he knew and he had told Dylan he hadn't snooped to find out but he would find out when he got home. Dylan looked down and picked up a notebook that had Brenda's writing on it. She listed which bills she had paid for the month and what was still left. It had a short note regarding Jonsey and his information which touched Dylan more than anything. She also left him $1200 in cash and a paycheck from the peach pit, signed over to him. Whatever she had made in the short time she had worked at the peach pit and a bit of her savings, she had left for him to get back on his feet. He gently set it down as the sadness got worst. She had paid his bills and she had worked for him...for them. Dylan shook his head feeling like an ass. He swallowed hard picking up the sealed envelope in which had his name scribbled across the front of it. He gently opened it not sure if he wanted to read it. As he opened the letter something fell into his hand and he recognized it right away. As he kept it clinched in his hand he began to read.

Dylan,

I wasn't going to write you, not because I am that much of a bitch but because I have no idea what to even say to you. I have to admit after reading that letter you wrote me I was mad…I was hurt…and honestly I still am. I understand your logic for dumping me, I understand the reason.

Dylan tilted his head and looked up from the letter, "I am not dumping you Bren." He whispered taking a deep breath. He continued to read.

The thing I don't understand is why you claim to feel the way you feel about me and then I somehow always feel rejected. I came to help you and support you with the full intention of going back to school. After making love to you, as you held me in your arms, you told me how much you loved me and that you wanted me around all the time. You told me you wanted to wake up to me everyday and to be with me again, and then I get a letter claiming you need to take care of yourself and that I need to go back to school. That it wasn't the right time for us. It's never the right time for us, it never will be. You did have one thing right though, I would have given it up for you, I always would have. Maybe someday I will thank you for this but as of now, I can't. No matter the reason behind it, no matter what your intentions are, I still cant get the feeling of deceit, dishonesty and just the simple fact that I was rejected again…by you. I know it's far fetched and maybe a little overdramatic but its how I feel and I can't change that. I know this decision is all for me and what's best for me…but honestly I think I deserve more than a crummy letter. I think I was owed at least a phone call, an explanation in person. That's why I didn't go to say goodbye to you, well at least part of the reason. It was too late for the in person heart felt talk. And if I saw you…I wouldn't be able to go.

I hope you succeed in rehab and everything you do. I will always remember you fondly as the guy who helped me fit in, showed me what love was and opened me up. You were my first love Dylan McKay and I will never forget what I felt for you. I think its best to go our separate ways, a clean break from each other. You can "concentrate on yourself" and I can follow my dreams…and finally move on. I have been in love with you for almost 5 years; I don't even know how to live life without loving you and I need to. Please don't call me, don't write me…just let me go. I enjoyed being your Bren, I enjoyed loving you and being with you, but I can't be your Bren anymore. Take care of yourself Dylan, be the guy I know you are. Do what you love and don't settle for anything in life.

Sincerely,

Brenda

Dylan felt his eyes well up and he looked up more shocked than anything. This is not what he wanted, this wasn't how he thought she would react. He slowly opened his hand and lying in the palm of it was her half heart he had given her for Christmas all those years ago. She had given it back to him which only meant she was letting go...she was already gone. Brenda had Dylan's heart and she returned it to him, she didn't want it. Dylan looked up overwhelmed with emotion clutching it tightly. He wasn't going to let her go, he wasn't going to stop writing her or loving her. He couldn't do that even if he tried and he was pretty sure she couldn't either. Dylan had never moved on from Brenda and now with how close they had become he didn't want to. He didn't care what her letter said, she would always be his Brenda.

*Wahhhhh* Ok not sure if you guys know where I am going with this but I would love to hear your thoughts. Also are you guys wondering what Olivia did? You'll find out soon enough, maybe next chapter depending on how it flows. Also Jonsey is going to call and some of the real s5 will come out again. Stay with me peeps, hopefully you will. Please review, you keep me going. Also the pt 2 conclusion to Coming Home will be up soon.