Chapter 23 His Whole Heart
Brenda and Dylan stood side by side. Slowly their arms dropped from touching as they nervously looked at Valerie and Jonesy. Valerie had a rose in between her teeth and Jonesy led her arms straight out in a tango. They danced toward Brenda and Dylan, slowly Jonesy spun Valerie grabbing her by the waist tightly and dropping her seductively into a dip, dropping her between Brenda and Dylan. Jonesy and Valerie laughed as they stopped goofing around.
"Did you guys hear my girl Val?" Jonesy said with a smile taking off his sports coat and moving toward the bar. Valerie looked down and crossed her arms. She smiled at Jonesy's compliments feeling pretty damn good about the night herself.
"Aww…it was easy with such an amazing partner." Valerie flirted looking back and forth between Dylan and Brenda noticing the awkwardness.
"Yeah…Val you did really good." Brenda said not making eye contact.
Valerie's eyes squinted, "Thanks?" she questioned, where was the sudden niceness coming from?
Jonesy shot back a glass of whiskey quickly, "Alright…I am turning in…Val my offer still applies" Jonesy lifted an eyebrow.
Valerie laughed, "Tempting Jones but I think I'll pass."
Jonesy mocked disappointment , "It was worth a try…rest your pretty little head. We got a big day tomorrow." With that said Jonesy retired to his room.
Dylan glanced over at Brenda shyly. She met his stare momentarily until Valerie interrupted for the fourth time that day.
"Well guys…I am beat. Anyone need to use the bathroom in my room…I need a quick shower to wipe the disgusting Kevin drool off my body." Valerie shook disgusted.
Both Dylan and Brenda shook their head quickly. Both sort of afraid of being left alone. All the interruptions were a welcome considering Brenda wasn't sure about all of this. They had been through so much recently and her break up with Mike was still only hours old. Dylan was the first to move. He moved over to the couch and started pulling the cushions off. Brenda watched him carefully take out the pull out. He walked to the closet pulling out extra blankets and pillows. He met Brenda's eyes and smiled.
"I'll just sleep on the floor." he muttered taking one of the pillows and a blanket in his hand.
"No Dylan…its ok…we can share. I mean…I think we are mature enough to share a queen size bed without getting out of hand…right?" Brenda questioned her words, could they?
Dylan eyes widened but his facial expression remained calm and composed, "Thanks." he smirked, "I doubt the Spanish tile would have been all that warm or comfortable."
Brenda laughed, "No probably not." she reached for her bag and began to take out pajamas, which really was just an old t-shirt. She wasn't about to strut about the room in silk men's pajamas or a night gown. She hoped the shirt was long enough though.
Dylan eyed her for awhile and then he got caught. Brenda shyly smiled as she clutched her clothes against her chest. She wasn't used to spending the night with Dylan in such a platonic manner. It was taking a lot of self control to not just hurdle over the mattress and straddle him. Her thoughts continued until Dylan spoke and she gently shook the playful sexual fantasy out of her head.
"You want the bathroom first?" he said sweetly referring to the common one off the living room. The water turned off in Valerie's room as she finished up her shower in the bedroom bathroom.
Brenda nodded, "Thanks." she started for the restroom.
Dylan watched her and took a deep breath, it was going to be hard to lay next to her and keep his hands to himself. Maybe she will let him cuddle with her, like old times. It wasn't too bad, harmless, friends could do that. Who was Dylan kidding, he always looked at Brenda differently even when they were just friends. He was always attracted to her and there was no way around that. Dylan sighed again as he realized his bag was in Valerie's room.
He knocked gently, "Val…can I come in…are you dressed?" he wondered if she was decent yet and if Valerie would actually tell him the truth.
"Yeah…come in Dylan." Valerie called out.
Dylan slowly peaked in the door pleasantly surprised to find her in her robe, moving a brush through her short hair. He had a relived look that even Valerie noticed, "Surprised?" she smirked.
Dylan moved into the bedroom with a light laugh, "Yeah…actually." he said with humor.
He kept his soft smile moving to his bag, he gently picked it up and set it on the bed unzipping it and grabbing his toothbrush. Valerie sat quiet as she casually brought it up, "So…how are things with Bren? You two looked cozy when we came in. Was that a moment of an almost kiss we so rudely walked in on?" she smiled at him.
Dylan smirked looking at her, "Was it that obvious?" he flushed slightly.
"Well…yeah kind of. Is everything good?" she wasn't sure if she cared but she asked anyway.
"I don't know." Dylan said quickly as his smile faded.
Valerie sighed, "What? Is the prude in Brenda playing hard to get?" she said harshly.
Dylan looked at her sternly, he shook his head, "Stop."
Valerie regretted it, "Sorry…I am serious though, what's the problem, obviously there are feeling there, what's the hold up?"
Dylan didn't want to get into this conversation, "It's just complicated." he answered giving Valerie the hint that it wasn't the time to get into it. "We'll figure it out."
Valerie nodded and set down her brush clearly getting the clue.
He moved toward her and sat down next to her, "Since we are alone, I just wanted to tell you how much a appreciate this…helping me…what you are doing for me…it means more than you probably know." he said sincerely.
Valerie nodded and gave him a soft smile, "No problem."
"I know its not pleasant…really…thank you." Dylan looked at her. He truly did appreciate what she was doing to help him, get his money back and more importantly his sister.
"It isn't pleasant but Dylan…there isn't much I wouldn't do for you…you're my friend and I know you would do it for me."
Dylan nodded slowly sure he would have too, he set his hand on the small of her back and gently rubbed, "I know tomorrow is going to be a whole different thing, Are you really ok with this? Being alone with him?"
Valerie turned serious, "Well…Kevin makes my skin crawl, the way he looks at me." she hesitated but continued, "It's disgusting. I mean he's old." Valerie sighed through her nose, "But if it will help I am ok with it. Again I am doing it for you."
Dylan looked at her sympathizing, he knew Kevin perverse suggestions and he was only listening. He could only imagine. "Well is there anything I can do for you? You have gone so completely out of your way for me."
Valerie slowly looked up at him, she swallowed hard thinking what the alone time tomorrow would be like. What if he actually made a move before giving her any information, would she be strong enough to play along? "You can hold me." she said softly actually frightened and nervous.
Dylan exhaled feeling badly for her. He wrapped his arm tightly around her shoulder and pulled her into him. She leaned against his chest and closed her eyes. Mentally preparing herself for the following day. Dylan rested his chin on the top of her head. He leaned down and kissed it, moving the side of his face back to it. He felt Valerie slightly cry a little into his chest and all Dylan could do was hold her and comfort her. It was the least he could do for her. He cared about her, not romantically but as a friend and they had more in common then he ever anticipated. He would be eternally grateful for this.
**
Brenda took a deep breath as she made her way out of the bathroom. Her thoughts filled with guilt at the way she had treated Valerie. She knew to an extent Valerie deserved it even worse maybe but she was still risking herself, maybe even putting herself in danger for Dylan and for Erica and Brenda couldn't forget it. She was a natural, she was actually a good at it and even though there was a hint of jealousy that Brenda couldn't be the one doing it for Dylan, she was still happy that Valerie was there. It was 100% better than having Kelly there doing it, even though Kelly was madly in love with and with Brandon, Brenda couldn't forget the past.
Brenda swallowed her pride returning her toiletries to her bag and looked toward Valerie's room. She walked slowly knowing she was about to apologize to her. She may not have owed it to her completely but she still was going to do it because that was her. It was in her nature no matter how mad she had been to make things better. Even if it didn't take away the hurt. She slowly came to the door, which was not fully open but enough to not reveal her right away. She peaked inside and saw Dylan, he had his arms tightly around Valerie, holding her, gently rocking it seemed. He moved his hand down her arm caressing it and placing gentle kisses every so often on top of her head. Brenda sighed sadly, reminded that there was more to them then they led on. Whether they were romantic or just friends their interaction was sweet and sensual…and hard to watch. Brenda closed her eyes feeling jealous as she walked back into the living room. She plopped down on the pullout and sighed again. She sadly played with the hem of the sheets thinking about them, about her and him, about the past and about what the future brought. No matter what, Brenda had no intention of leaving and dropping out of RADA. She loved it and knew now London was where she belonged for now. She had been given a chance…a break and living in L.A. for as long as she had she knew those didn't come around in the acting department everyday. Maybe she needed to let him go, so he could move on too. She still couldn't help the urgent nag of jealousy she felt. Why it was so hard to see them together, why it was so hard to see Dylan with anyone other than her. Then she was angry with him, what was really going on with him and Valerie and why was he subtly putting the moves on her if there was something more going on with Valerie. Brenda truly believed Dylan was a typical male, he would have them both, he would have them all probably if he could. If it was socially acceptable and the women didn't mind sharing. He's sick, she thought. The ultimate male fantasy, so typical. Brenda rolled her eyes irritated. She was so in tune with her thoughts she didn't notice Dylan walk out into the living room carrying his toothbrush in one hand and the black nylon handles of his duffle bag in the other. He smiled noticing the seriousness in her face, she truly was beautiful when she was thinking, he always loved that quality about her. She overanalyzed, she was obsessed and incredibly cute when she was anal. He made fun of her a lot and vocalized his irritation with it but deep down it made her Brenda, and frankly that was all that mattered.
"Penny for your thoughts?" he got her attention and smiled.
Brenda took a deep breath and shook her head.
"Everything alright Bren?" women falling apart all around him it seemed.
"Yeah…" she said short letting the jealousy expose from her voice.
"What?" Dylan said noticing something was going on.
Brenda looked at him, "I just don't get you." she said calmly. "I think I do and I think I know you better than anyone and then…I don't."
Dylan looked at her oddly, "What are you talking about? You do know me, probably better than I know myself."
"Like I said, I think I do but I have no idea what goes through your head sometimes. Your feelings…never mind." Brenda dropped it.
"Bren…you know how I feel? You know I adore you…I always have." Dylan said sincerely. Wanting to use the word love but thought revealing his adoration was more genuine.
"Just like you adore Valerie." she spat, she wasn't sure where it came from. The things she was hiding apparently. Her subconscious.
"What?" Dylan said confused.
"I saw you…with Valerie…you two looked cozy." she said still dry not looking at him. "I am sure she would keep you very warm off the Spanish tile."
Dylan shook his head, the jealousy and the bitterness with Valerie was getting old and even though he knew he deserved it, if not more than he was actually getting, he couldn't help getting aggravated because that's just how he was. He shook his head regretting his tone as soon as it escaped his mouth, "Bren." he gritted his teeth, "I am not doing this, she could probably hear us, she is going out of her way to help me and she is my friend. I have told you how I feel about you and if you don't want it…me…then that's not my fault."
"You slept with another one of my friends Dylan. I know I will get over it but I can't help but think…"
"Think what?" he said coldly as he glared at her, his eyes tight.
"That you're just a typical horny guy that has no true feeling about anything or anyone and you jump on anything that looks at you and has breasts. You only think with your dick." Ahhh Brenda thought relieved to get it out. "It was Kelly and then her…I just…I just don't get you." she raised her voice, "Do you care about anyone other than yourself? Did you ever really love me? Do you respect me at all?" she finished and braced herself for his answers or his lack there of. "I don't think you did." she mumbled looking down at the sheets she gripped nervously in her hand.
Shock, anger and frustration seeped out of Dylan and he had to take a deep breath to calm himself. "You don't think I love or respect you? You don't think I ever did?" he said more hurt than angry. "You're right then…you don't know me at all. If I didn't love you then why the hell did I write you every god damn day, knowing you never were writing me back…not knowing if you got them, read them or simply didn't give a shit about them. Maybe you should consider that…and maybe you should think about the fact that I have never loved anyone more than I loved you. You changed me entirely and opened me up. I trust you more than life itself and I know I am an asshole, I know sometimes I think with my pants but it doesn't change an ounce of feeling I have for you." Dylan's voice now was hurt, annoyed and angry. "If you don't believe me…then why don't you see for yourself." Dylan reached down into the side pocket of Brenda's bag and pulled out the letters. He shook his head irritated beyond belief and tossed them rather roughly on the bed next to her. He glared at her taking his toothbrush and moving into the bathroom. Getting away from her because he may actually be so mad he would continue the fight and truthfully he didn't want to regret saying something angrily that he didn't mean.
Brenda shocked and embarrassed watched him leave. Her eyes went to the letters as they teared up. She felt badly, she didn't know why but she wasn't sorry, she wanted to get it off her chest, her fears…her insecurity. She quickly wiped the tear that ran down her cheek and grabbed the letters, she randomly grabbed one from the middle of the stack and swiftly tore at it. She unfolded it and began to read.
Brenda,
Please talk to me. Write me…call me…anything to let me know you are getting these. Even if its just to cuss me out, I miss you. I can't breathe without you. I love you more than anything. Please don't be mad me.
Brenda swallowed hard, must have been one of the last ones. She grabbed another.
My Bren,
I know you want me to let you go…but I cant…I never could. You are and always will be the light of my dark and miserable existence. There is no me without you. You make my insignificant little lonely world alive. You make me who I want to be, who I truly believe I am, I can't even remember what's it like to smile unless you are around. Most of the time I have to make myself but not when you are there.
Brenda squeezed her eyes shut and pressed the letter against her chest. She grabbed another.
Bren,
I talked to Olivia today. She sent me a plane ticket. It took everything I had not to jump off this couch and throw myself on the first available flight to see you. There really isn't anything more I want than to see you. I am scared you don't want to see me. What if you have moved on? What if I get there and you are in someone else's bed, in someone else's arms, I don't think I could see that. I don't think I could take that. No…nope, no way. That may actually kill me, considering all the things I have done to myself. All the self pity and hurt and pain I cause myself and everyone around me, all the times I actually probably should have died because of my stupidity but didn't and that would finally get me in the end. Kind of funny huh?
If you want me to come there, just give me some hint. A call, a letter, a blank piece of fucking paper that has your return mailing address, any clue at all…and I will be on the next flight out of there.
Brenda now had tears streaming down her face as she thought about Mike, fucking Mike, what a dick, she should have him arrested for stealing her mail. All those nights of miserable emotional hell of thinking Dylan didn't want anything to do with her. She had no idea that these letters were arriving. So emotional and leaving Dylan stripped and exposed. She grabbed another letter wanting to actually read them all but knowing it was only a matter of time before Dylan came out of the bathroom. He couldn't be in there all night.
Bren,
I can't let you go. I am trying…I am. It's like my head is filled with all these regrets with you. Are you truly better without me or can we work this out…at all? If you told me you were better I would have no choice but to stay away but until you tell me that to my face, I can't help but wonder what's going on in that pretty head of yours. The wonder overpowers the fact that you have never been so out of my reach before. Its like I can feel you there in my heart but I can't see you…I cant get to you.
Brenda noticed the next paragraph was in blue ink instead of black, he must have came back to it.
I can't let you go Bren…you are part of my soul…you are all that I know…I can't ever let you go.
Bren glanced toward the bathroom. She wanted to run and jump into his arms but refrained. She heard no sign of him leaving it so she grabbed one more. She took a deep breath and slowly this time running her finger through the envelope. She felt emotionally exhausted as she looked toward the floor before looking at the letter. She slowly unfolded it, taking the bottom and then the top out and there in the middle of it, taped to the page was both half's of the heart she had given him back and his half. They were fitted together in a symbolic point. There was only one sentence written on the page.
I left my heart with you…you have my whole heart…I don't want it without you.
Brenda sadly ran her fingers over the heart. Who was she kidding the jerk had her heart too. He always had, he always would. Brenda pictured herself years from now, even if married to someone else with Dylan in her heart. He would always be in there and there was no way around it. She carefully took the heart off of the page and slipped it into her bag. As she leaned back into a sitting position she gathered her letters wanting to keep reading but had heard the water shut off and after a quick minute the toilet flush. She put them back in her bag and laid down on her side not facing the direction of the bathroom. She didn't know what to say, she knew what she wanted to do, but knew there were words she should express but what? She quickly wiped her eyes and sniffed.
Dylan exited the bathroom as he stopped and looked at her. She was laying away from him, her back to him. He wasn't sure what he expected her to be doing when he came out from his small emotional temper tantrum. Reading the letters maybe. He sighed loud enough for Brenda to hear and didn't see her acknowledge it. He rolled his eyes and shook his head, guess she didn't read them. He tossed his toothbrush into his bag and stood by the bed, still looking down at her. He took his shirt off and began unbuttoning his jeans, stripping down into his boxers. Dylan kept his eyes on her as he pulled back the covers. It exposed her thigh, her t-shirt lay high on her leg and showed the back of her panties laying gently on her ass. Her soft skin revealed, the round fit slant of her butt cheek staring back at him. Was it wrong to want to spank it? Oh Jesus, nice Dylan…control yourself, she was right you are a horny typical man…or boy really. He shook his head looking away from her appealing ass cheeks and sat down. He hoped the bounce in his movement on the bed would make her acknowledge him…nothing. He gave up, at least for tonight. Did he really think she would read the letters and throw out any insecurity she may have had with him. Wishful thinking but it wasn't going to happen. What did he really think would happen tonight? They weren't alone, it wasn't like he could make love to her right here in the living room of their suite, with Valerie and Jonesy sleeping next to them. Jonesy's soft snores lingered into the room and even the gentle movement of Valerie in her bed tossing and turning could be heard with their doors closed. The walls were thin, they would hear it. Dylan let out a short burst of air, almost a laugh at the actual thoughts that were going through his head, what makes you think she would even touch you, other than actually have sex with you. He snapped out of it lowering himself to his back and adjusting the blanket over him. He slowly looked over at her and then back at the ceiling. God damn it, he thought. He closed his eyes ready to be rejected as he reached for her. He pinched her t-shirt and pulled it slightly toward him, so slightly Dylan wasn't sure she would even get the hint…but she did. It didn't take much else as Brenda turned quickly rolling on to her other side that faced him. She threw her arm around his chest and cuddled into him, squeezing him as she settled her head on his smooth pecks. Dylan was taken back slowly dropping his surprised hand that had her shirt in his fingers and brought it around her back. He gently still shocked from her reaction from his gentle tug on her shirt, rubbed up and down her spine. He felt her leg hitch over his as her cold feet hit his leg. He smiled cuddling in closer to her as he closed his eyes bringing his lips to her hair and kissing it lightly. They both exhaled in sync as they relaxed not saying anything. Afraid if they spoke, they may jinx this and Brenda and Dylan had no intention of moving what so ever.
So what did you think? Sorry I am so slow, with the holidays etc etc its been busy but thinks are settling and I am just proofing LTC so sorry for the wait. I know how much some of you love that one. It will hopefully be worth it. But first things first review this pretty please with sugar on top. ;P
