5 Things That Never Happened To Han Solo


I


"Admiral Solo?" The man turned.

"Yes, Admiral Piett?" Solo regarded his counterpart.

"Lord Vader wishes an audience with you."

"He wishes or he orders, Piett?" He smiled. "I'll return...I hope." He strode from the bridge of the Executor to Darth Vader's private chambers.

"Admiral Solo, you have quite a distinguished record."

"Thank you, Lord Vader." Solo stood uncomfortably, waiting for something to happen. For the last fifteen minutes, all Vader had done was read over his records. Finally, Solo broke. "M'lord, if I may be so bold, might I ask why I was summoned before you? I hardly think you need my assistance in looking over my records."

"No, I do not." Vader shut down the holograph. "And your remark has just proven my opinion."

"And that is, Lord Vader?"

"That you are insubordinate, stubborn, and you have far too much brass." Vader coldly regarded Solo. "How many officers in the fleet do you know of that would dare be so abrupt with me?"

"You could probably count them on one hand and have fingers left over, m'lord," Han Solo said.

"Indeed I could. In fact, I'd have three left." He rose two fingers. "There is yourself and Admiral Thrawn—a friend of yours, I am told."

"Yes, m'lord. The man is a tactical genius, and he isn't overconfident or brash—"

"Like yourself?"

"—like other Admirals in the fleet, m'lord. If I may say so, I am overconfident and brash with good reason; I'm rarely incorrect. And when I am, rare occasion that it is, Admiral Thrawn is there to pick up the pieces. As am I when he is simply too clever for his own good."

"Hmm. Well, this confirms it." Vader stood.

Solo snapped to attention. "M'lord?"

"You are to report to Coruscant with Admiral Piett and Admiral Thrawn. The three of you are being granted the rank of Grand Admiral."


II


"Admiral Solo?" The man turned.

"Yeah?"

"Captain Karrde would like to see you, sir."

"Talon Karrde? Let him in." Admiral Han Solo stood, smiling when he hugged his old friend. "How ya been, Talon?"

"Up to no good. You?"

"About the same. Please, sit down." Han gestured to a seat, which Karrde took. "What can I do for you?"

"Nothing this time around."

"Nothing?" Solo leaned forward. "There's nothing that the Han Solo, pirate, smuggler, Admiral of the Smuggler's Fleet can do for you?"

"Not a thing," Karrde smiled. "Just informing you that the Wild Karrde is leaving the fleet."

"Oh? And why is that?"

"Well..." Karrde shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "We're joining the Rebellion."

Solo's feet fell off his desk. "The Rebellion? Are you nuts?" At Karrde's look, "Wait. Don't answer that; I already know." He shook his head. "Why?"

"Why not? They need the ships, they pay well—"

"Not better than me."

"—and they've offered me a general's rank in Intelligence."

"Well, that's always where your strong suit was," Solo smiled.

"Well, my entire organization is coming, so that'll be quite a dent in your fleet. Plus, we've got some others in the fleet who want to come along."

"Well, that's just fine." Karrde looked at Solo. There was no animosity, no anger at losing over half his fleet.

"No hard feelings, then?"

"Of course not. We're coming along. Haven't you heard of 'honor among thieves'?" Solo grinned. "I was going to make the announcement tomorrow, but since you've already made it clear...This is excellent. The Alliance is going to love this."

"Oh, you think they'll love this..."

"Oh, they'll love this," Solo said as he stared at the Katana fleet. "Send men out to the ships, and find the Katana. The slave-circuits ought to still work."

Talon Karrde wore a broad grin. "We're going to get quite the welcome mat at Yavin IV."


III


"Fett! I know you're here. Come out!" Solo cried in rage. He wandered through the wreckage of Concord Dawn.

"Here I am, Solo. What do you want?" Han spun. The Mandalorian was right behind him.

"In. That's what I want."

"Explain." The man in the pinched-cheek helmet gazed at him.

"I want in. The Mandalorian clans. I have an honest claim to clan Ordo, and I want in."

"That's not an explanation. Why?"

Solo seemed to ponder, then said, "Why? Because I got nothing else. Chewie's dead, the Rebellion went with Yavin...so you tell me, Fett? Where else do I go?"

The Mandalorian regarded him, and said "Here."


"An interesting look, Solo. Or is it Ordo?"

"Solo works fine." Han looked at himself. He wore a blue flight suit, with cold silver armor over it. The helmet had the same chilling effects as Fett's—t-shaped visor and pinched cheeks, and a mechanical voice that chilled the bones.
"And whose is it?"

"Jango Fett's." At the turning of the blue helmet, "Yes. My father's."

The new Mandalorian said nothing. "You're learning the silence. Good."

"Well, Fett? Let's get started."


IV


"Are you ready?" Chewbacca looked at Solo.

"No." Solo was a mess. He was nervous beyond belief.

"Hey." Chewie clapped him on the shoulder. "There's no woman in the galaxy better for you..." Then he added, "No other woman who'd have you, either."

The comment earned him a shove. "Get away from me, you." But Solo meant nothing by it.

"Well? She's waiting."


"Han Solo, do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, and to cherish forever in marriage?"

Han did not hesitate. "I do."

"And do you, Bria Tharen, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, and to cherish forever in marriage?"

She did not hesitate either. "I do."

"Then, by the power vested in me by the Rebel Alliance, I pronounce you husband and wife." Then Lando turned to him and said, "Well, what are you waiting for, permission? Kiss the girl!"

And Han did.


V


"Can't you outrun them? I thought you said this thing was fast."

"Watch your mouth, Kid, or you're gonna find yourself floating home. Shouldn't be too long, plus I know a few—" Solo never finished that thought because the Imperial cruiser scored a hit.

"Chewie, head back there, find out what happened!" The Wookiee ran back and gave a report over the comm. Damn. Not good. The hyperdrive was shot. Apparently the jostle was too much. "Sorry, boys, the hyperdrive's fried. We're in trouble."

Then the Star Destroyer fired again. This time there was no damage report to be made.

There was no Millennium Falcon at all.


Yes, I'm horrible, I destroyed THE Millennium Falcon. But hey, it's something that never happened to him! And now, I'm in some trouble. I need ideas for who to do a '5 Things' to. Tell me in reviews!