Episode Six: The Rest of the Variety Show

Back at Grumpy's and Pokey's house, Kara was helping Pokey make dinner while Grumpy swept the dirt (standing up on her hind legs and wearing an apron) and Dog was outside, walking to the mine to dig for gold and valuable stuff.

Pokey's special for the day was one of Kara's favorites: mince pie. They formed the dough and chopped the meat. As the oven cooked, Grumpy went outside to water the plants, muttering, "I don't know why I even bother. I wish that I were allowed to let the plants die."

"Grumpy, aren't you being a bit morbid?" Pokay slowly asked. Grumpy Cat growled in response and slammed the door behind her, dropping her apron by the cat-size coat stand.

Pokey shrugged. "Eh, whatevs. When dinner's done, we'll be preparing an extra bed in the house for you, my lady. And don't worry about facing the evil queen, because Dog knows how to kill with cuteness! Well, we all do."

"Thanks," Kara gratefully thanked him. The cat grinned. "No need to. We'll always to anything for ya!"

The next morning, the queen was in a mood. She was in her secret chamber full of spells and sorcery with her assistant, the Big Bad Wolf. Her ingredients lined the walls.

While she was looking through the ingredients that Mr. Big Bad Wolf suggested, Lorris raced down the steps from the throne room leading to the chamber. She knew about it from when she was brought to collect new spells.

"Your Majesty! I have a solution for you!" she called. "Here's a plear from a Dragonlance tree, which looks just like an apple. The only difference is how the leaf of each tree is shaped. I'd warn you not to eat this, but I you are planning to use it for any spell, make sure you cook it in a pie first."

Queen Iris snatched the apple-er, I mean plear. "A plear? I appreciate this new ingredient. Now go on and find more, if you would please."

"As you wish, Your Highness!" Once Lorris was out, she sneered, "As you wish, Your Filthiness. Actually, good job at acting."

Mr. Wolf went outside and blew his huge breath on a few nearby houses, flipping them upside down. "Come join now and Big Bad Wolf House Flipping!" he called out to the people.

Big Bad Wolf House Flipping. Wow. Seriously?

Inside, one of the servants delivered an old hag's garments to Iris, who disguised herself as one of those poor people trying to get alms. Not a peddler, because that would be too obvious. (Everyone still has their memories, but Kara and Barry don't exactly recognize anyone. Mon-El was memory wiped.)

The next day, the whole Grump-Fam went to the mines to help Dog dig up a particularly large piece of gold. Kara stayed behind to talk to the birds.

Knock knock. "Who's there?" Kara called out. The knocker answered, "Alms." Kara: "Alms who?" Voice: "Alms for the poor, please! Alms, alms!" That was definitely not a queen dressed up as an old peddler. The door opened, and a poor woman in widow's garments was shown. "Please help! Both my sons and my baby daughter died to the plague while I was in France, and my poor husband was mistaken for a deer. I am alone now, and can't live on my own!"

"Are you alright? Are you sure you're not the queen?" Kara asked. The poor widow shook her head. "No. I am not the queen. She is a fair person."

"Well then, may I ask you a few questions to make sure? What's Her Majesty's favorite color?"

"Oh, well, I don't know. Is it white?" (PS. Wrong guess on purpose.)

"No, it's dark purple. Well, now that I know that you aren't the queen, would you like anything? Grumpy Cat, Pokey, and Dog are out, so I'm not sure what to give you."

"Oh, no, I was selling my stuff because I must pay my taxes. Please take this fruit basket on my behalf, or I shall be done for!"

So Kara took the fruit and paid it with a silver coin. She went inside to prepare it for the Grump-Fam while the widow silently snuck to the window and watched.

First up! The plear from the Dragonlance tree. It was rosy and ripe. Chomp-she falls to the ground, in a deep coma. Widow-turned-queen smiled deviously. "Finally, I am the fairest!" (Cue evil laugh.)

When Grump-Fam returned and found Kara, Pokey burst into tears. Dog howled mournfully, contradicting the fact that LABS DO NOT HOWL. Grumpy laid the lifeless body on a stretcher and called the CSI, Alex and Winn, as well as General Okki.

"Scene of crime?" Alex asked. Winn replied, "House of Grumpy Cat."

"Victim of the attack?"

"The princess."

"Wait… the princess? You mean Princess Kara?"

"Yes. It's her."

"Oh my. Suspect?"

"Well, the Queen is always a lead, but we have no evidence to connect her to the crime. As of now, there are only vague suspects."

While that was going on, Lorris and Nilla were telling the story to the audience at the TTS studio, having left the dream. "But then, along comes handsome prince!" Nilla dramatically breathed.

"Oh, man. It. Was. HILARIOUS!" Lorris guffawed.

"Um, no. It was romantic," Cisco jumped in. Lorris snorted. "Are you serious? The prince was a complete GOOFBALL!"

Back at the small cottage, the prince Mon-El pranced in upon his horse. "Good day, to all you peasants."

"Peasants! We're gold miners," Grumpy hissed under her breath.

Alex stood up from examining her no-longer-sister's body. "Sorry, prince, but she's gone. You came too late."

"Too late? I am never too late! I always arrive to save the day! Perhaps a true love's kiss shall break this curse." So he bent down… and… SHIELD YOUR EYES… kissed her.

Too bad. Nothing happened. Then Mon-El brightened. "Oh, I know, I know! The ruby slippers from Oz! They will wake her from her slumber!" He got out some EXTREMELY petite ruby slippers and only got them on Kara's toes of her shoes. Like before, nothing happened.

Mon-El paced around, thinking. Winn rolled his eyes. "Give up, prince. Let's go, Alex, this is boring." The two CSI officers left.

Then Mon-El came up with a new idea. "Ah, I know! It's the pea!"

Pokey frowned. "The what now?"

"The pea! The princess is sleeping on a pea! There we go, found it!" In his hand was one of Dog's dried slobber balls covering a wood chip. Okki started laughing, quickly smothering it with a cough. Grumpy deadpanned. "That's not a pea. It's another one of Dog's stupid slobber balls."

After a few minutes, Kara woke from her slumber. "Huh… what happened? Was that poor widow really the queen in disguise?"

She blinked and stood up when she saw the prince. "Um, hello? What's that in your hand?"

"It is the pea, my lady. From underneath your mattress, milady."

"Why?"

"Who cares? Against all odds, I have saved you from death, mi amor."

Suddenly Okki went off behind the house and let loose his laughter. It was extremely contagious to Pokey. Mon-El continued. "It seems that our stars have aligned, making us one as husband and wife." And so, he got down on one knee, took out his great-great-great-grandmother's engagement ring, and PROPOSED! "Will you marry me?"

Okki and Pokey were behind the house when they heard that. Pokey sighed. "And they lived happily ever after!"

"What-excuse me?" Okki demanded. Pokey repeated, 'They lived happily ever after!"

"Um, actually, that's not how the story goes, Pokey."

"What? But won't he sweep her off her feet? Anything can happen in a fairy tale like this! It's true love!"

"They just met each other! According to Lorris, that's not true love. That's just gross."

They looked back at the scene in front of them, there was a long pause. Finally Kara spoke. "Um. Ew, no, I can't marry you. I just met you."

"Of course you can, my love! This is like the fairy tales!" Mon-El announced. Kara squinched her face up. "Sorry, but no. This isn't true love, it's gross. Why would you ask me to marry you when I'd just met you?"

"Ahem. Um, excuse me, but General Okki informed me earlier that the huntsman is about to be executed. Ring a bell?" Grumpy drawled. Kara gulped. "Oh, right. Well, I gotta go!"

The others followed after her. Mon-El called out in desperation, "Aw, but what about me?"

Lorris and Nilla had joined them again for this part. "TAKE A HIKE!" They left him standing there.

Back at the castle, Iris was about to execute Barry by beheading him. The axe was extra-sharp, and who was doing it? The Big Bad Wolf, also known as Savitar in disguise. Somehow some weird thing had managed to get him created into pure horror at times, and other times into a heroic duchess. This time was pure evil, and as the axe was swung through the air…

"Stop it RIGHT THERE!"

That was General Okki/Oliver. He had his sword in hand and was ready to fight. Grumpy, Pokey, Dog, Lorris, Nilla, and Kara stood rallied behind him. Two had frying pans. Two had actual weapons. One had slobber balls ready for launch. Another had pure gloominess.

"YOU! I thought I got rid of you," Iris hissed. Kara smirked. "Sorry. That thing you gave me apparently was neutralized poison."

The queen roared in fury. "I shall have your heads on my wall by tonight!"

"We are not standing down without a fight, yay," Grumpy Cat growled. "Go on and hug them - no. Go on and hate them all."

"Sure thing, Grumpy. DOG! SLOBBER!" Lorris screamed. Dog launched into full happy mode. "BARK! BARK! BARK!"

He licked the Big Bad Wolf's face, his tail wagging like a windshield wiper. The winshield wiper snapped Barry's chains, and he joined Okki's small regiment.

Iris called the guards in, and a battle ensued. Frying pans proved to be very useful in knocking someone out cold and breaking the magic mirror on the wall. How it happened: Lorris and Nilla were having a jolly fun time bashing people on the head when they noticed the mirror on the wall. "The Mirror! It's how Her Great Filh keeps this kingdom in check! I SHALL SUE YOU FOR ALL THE TROUBLE YOU HAVE CAUSED THIS PLACE!"

And so Lorris wrestled herself over, bringing the frying pan down. Glass shattered everywhere.

"NOOOOOO!" Queen Iris screamed in fury. She ordered her top guard, "ROUND THOSE (insert a bad word here [please don't actually do it]) UP AND KILL THEM!"

The guard was looking like he had just broken out of a trance. Because he had. Now that the mirror was broken, no one was unde rthe queen's spell anymore. Instead he bowed down at Kara's feet. "All hail the true queen!"

"She is not your queen! I AM YOUR QUEEN!" Iris hissed. Kara ordered the guards, "Take her to the dungeon. And bring along the Big Bad Wolf as well."

"Yes, Your Highness!"

They dragged the false queen away, who screamed, "You can't do this to me! Don't you know who I am? I am the queen of this realm!"

"No you're not," Nilla retorted. "You're the false queen of this land. Princess Kara - or should I say, the soon-to-be Queen Kara - is the real queen."

Once Iris and Big Bad Wolf were dragged out of the door and down the steps, Barry whistled. "Wow. Where'd you learn to fight like that, princess?"

"Oh, well, a little huntsman showed me." They started to lean in -

"Ahem. Well, sorry for interrupting, but Music Meister must wake us all from the dream now. WAKE UP!" Lorris screamed.

Everyone woke up in their normal attire in in the backstage of the TTS studio. The filming and everything was over, and above the din of the audience shuffling out, Lorris asked, "So, how was your experience in the dream? I memory-wiped Mon-El into being a very snotty prince, Kara and Barry lost memory of their experiences and the people they had met and kept memories of the traditional fairy tales, and everyone else was acting."

Grumpy Cat muttered, "It was horrible. The stupid hut we lived in was a mess, there was Dog's slobber all over the place, Pokey soiled the carpet by walking around the garden, and the princess dropped in so that there would be less space in the house? No way, it was terrifyingly dreadful."

As for Kara and Barry, though, they were happy. At least they decided to go on a date the next night - which, of course, was interrupted by the craziest people ever. A loris called Lorris aka Banana Bazooka... and a vanilla frosted cracker named Nilla aka the Cutifier Who Makes All Things Cute.