So now Kara and Barry had been on about six dates. And on one of them had they ever kissed.
From the Point of View of Lorris:
WHYYY! Those two are MEANT for each other, and they won't even kiss on their dates? Well, yeah, they might be a little nervous, but I would have seen them kissing at least once! All my snooping adventures have been complete fails.
Well, now it's time to put Operation: Get Superheroes to Kiss into action.
Phase one: Find a Villain.
I decided that it would be purr-fect to use a shape-shifting friend as part of the plan. Well, we had actually been enemies for centuries now, but I am very random, so that's why he's my "friend."
When I came to this guy's house, I saw a very rickety roof that was falling off, peeling paint, crooked steps, a sinkhole in the floor, a pothole on the sidewalk, a hole in the ceiling, cracked windows, my mouse friend Geronimo at the bottom of the steps nibbling on macaroni, and a dead butterfly for a doorbell. Poor butterfly. This guy would pay for harming Mother Nature's creations after he helped.
He opened the door, and I came to a familiar sight of scraggly hair, a scarred nose that had come from me (he was robbing a bank), a black eye (from me years ago, it still hasn't healed), very expensive jewelry draped all over him and piled in layers (all stolen from the tombs of ancient Egypt), a onesie jumpsuit that had "Thug Life" written all over, and a shifty personality. This wasn't really his form, but who cares.
"Yeeees?" he asked. I glared. "Seriously? You think I'd be afraid of that?" The guy grumbled and straightened up, forming into a more... elegant version of himself. "Fine. What do you need?"
"Well, first of all, you're under arrest."
"What? What have I done?"
"Well, remind me. You ran a popsicle stand without a permit, you shoplifted a store for all the money in order to create a pyramid scheme and cheat people out of their stuff, and you stole priceless artifacts from the museums and tombs of the pharaohs, and you've lied about being successful in everything."
"Kid. Shut yer snappy mouth. I've got a permit right here, and I haven't been falsely advertising, and all his is cheapskate stuff."
"Okay, backtrack. You sold this guy" I held up a picture of Barry "a popsicle for twelve dollars, right? You know him?"
"Of course I know him. I know every CSI agent in the country, and every superhero too. And you see how much money I make? Twelve hundred a day, Terror, 365 days a year, ever since I was nine. So just let me alone, and I'll be going off."
Oh, no. Why was this starting to look like Zootopia? Time to mix in some fun with Judy Hopps's words. "Fine. We'll have to start talking." Quickly I threw a cuff at the guy's foot, chaining him to the doorpost. "Did you just tie me up?!"
"Like I said, you're under arrest."
"Hmmp. For what? Hurting your feelings?"
"Unfortunately, you're just like another Nick Wilde in real life. It's Felony tax evasion. Yeah, well, twelve hundred a day, 365 days a year, ever since you were nine, and this has been going on for forty years, plus a leap day every four years, starting on your ninth birthday and up to this very day in December when you first started and now you're 49, so if I'm correct, the total would be $17,533,200 (seventeen million, five hundred thirty-three thousand, two hundred) up to this day, but your tax forms have reported an absolute ZERO, and lying on a federal form when you're a citizen is a punishable offense. Plus, you've robbed the Metropolis bank, caused a stoock market crash with a huge pyramid scheme getting you over six billion, and you've taken priceless artifacts, as well as worked with drug dealers, mastermind criminals, and the greatest supervillain nightmares of all time. So, you'll be spending a LOT more than six years in prison. More like thirty. But you've also been charged with a second-degree murder, AND a terrible first-degree murder, which is worthy of the death penalty in some places but I don't like death, so a life without parole or a life sentence. I already called the DEO on you, Doug Bellwether, son of ex-Vice Mayor Bellwether."
Just like that, a bucket of birch syrup was poured on him from a helicopter. His only weakness. I smiled. "This is another line from the movie, but it's called a hustle, sweetheart. Now You help me or else you go to jail where you really belong."
So Doug, that weird sheep, sighed. "FINE. But you don't have any proof."
"Yes I do. Judy Hopps always brings a pen that can record what people say in it." I clicked a button on the pen, and it transmitted Doug's voice saying, "And you see how much money I make? Twelve hundred a day, Terror, 365 days a year, ever since I was nine. So just let me alone, and I'll be going off."
"See? Now you'll be coming with me..." my eyes narrowed, "or else." It's cool how you can be creepy when you're quieter and calm about it. Make a threat in the coolest, calmest voice ever, and you can make anyone do anything, especially if you're blackmailing. Like me, in this situation.
So now my plan was on Phase Two: Set Up a Superhero Date.
Nilla was in on this part. "Hey, GUYS! Whatcha doing? You know, there's a really nice boat restaurant touring around the Everglades right now down in Florida. And..." she blabbered on, engaging them in a genuinely pleasant conversation they seemed to be enjoying.
I was typing away at my computer, reviewing my plans with a very glum Doug. "Like I said, I'll be sending you off to your life sentence if you don't cooperate, so listen up. You book a setting for Barry and Kara on that boat for tomorrow night, then you make sure that the list of games has the classic Truth or Dare in it. Also-"
"Hey, what's going on?" Winn and Cisco asked as they came into the room. Winn screamed when her saw Doug. "WOAAAH! WHO IS THAT?!"
"YEEP! What is that guy doing here? He's a mastermind criminal!" Cisco screeched. I roared at them. "CALM DOWN, PEOPLE! I need him here for my plan with Barry and Kara because THOSE TWO WON'T KISS!"
"Oh, yeah, they won't. How does he have and part in this?" Winn stammered nervously.
"He's gonna be booking the restaurant and setting up all the games, basically because there's a boat restaurant in the Everglades right now, and after that he'll be faking an attack on Kara with that bracelet." I pointed to a think wristband with green stones. "It has pieces of Kryptonite in it, just enough to get Kara to weaken a little bit. And hopefully my plan goes all perfectly into action or I'll bite someone."
Winn nodded. He didn't look as scared now. "Okay, I get it. You need to get Kara hurt a little so that you can get the superheroes to kiss."
"Remind me how long his criminal record is again?" Cisco asked. I opened a scroll I had made. "Well, there's felony tax evasion and earning $17,533,200; a pyramid scheme snatching him six billion and causing that huge stock market crash two years ago; stealing priceless artifacts from the Egyptian tombs; stealing valuables from museums around the world; working with drug dealers, mastermind criminals, and those horrendous nightmares, ESPECIALLY bloodmares; shoplifting; robbing everything from the Metropolis Bank; lying on a federal form; seventeen second-degree murders; eighty-nine homicidal first-degree murders; a currently running plan on how to kill Oliver Queen; enslaving people in Africa to do his work of tomb-raiding; finding Emperor Montezuma's hidden Aztec treasure and using it to make a bomb big enough to destroy Central City and National City, working with prostitutes; and cashing bad checks. There's a lot more, believe me. But Let's just focus on getting this plan to work."
