The Unmentionable

Roy found himself laughing out loud without intending to but the memory of what Johnny had called "the unmentionable" was just too darn funny. There was no one in the room but the two of them and Gage was dozing so he felt a little silly; glad no one had walked in on him during his moment of hysterical laughter. He thought he'd quieted down without waking up Johnny until Johnny spoke.

"What's so funny, Pal?" he asked groggily.

"Oh, uh, I was just thinking about "the unmentionable." Roy laughed and reached up to wipe tears from his eyes while grabbing his midsection.

"Oh Roy, no. That was terrible!" Johnny said in an exasperated tone.

"Johnny, what happened wasn't nearly as terrible as what you said!" With that, Roy doubled over again at the thought of that run to the elderly asthmatic lady's house.

Roy drove the squad up to the front of the small white wood framed house with black shutters. They had arrived in less than 6 minutes from the time of the call. Anytime a call came in where an airway was compromised the guys knew that time was absolutely critical. Johnny grabbed the biophone and oxygen while Roy reached for the drug box. Together they half walked and half ran to the front door prepared to kick it down if necessary. Roy knocked briefly while announcing that they were from the fire department. He waited only a couple of seconds before trying to turn the knob even though he expected it to be locked. It wasn't so he and Johnny entered and quickly looked around for their victim. Calling out as they walked through the house, they heard a weak female voice coming from the back bedroom

"In….. here….. please."

Roy entered first followed closely by Johnny. What they found was an elderly woman lying in her bed and clutching at her chest. Her skin was somewhat pale but obviously her airway wasn't completely obstructed which gave them time to do a more thorough assessment.

Roy began taking her vitals while Johnny gently placed the nasal cannula in her nose, wrapping the tubing behind her ears and tightening it in place underneath her chin.

"Just take it easy, Ma'am. We're going to take good care of you. Now relax and try to breathe through your nose, for me, alright?" Johnny instructed in his most gentle voice. He knew that the more relaxed and soft-spoken he was the more likely his patient was to relax too.

"Rampart this is squad 51. How do you read?" Johnny began as Roy prepared to call out her vitals for him to relay.

"Unit calling, repeat." The voice belonged to Dr. Early who had obviously missed the identification of the squad.

"Rampart, this is squad 51."

"Go ahead 51."

While John was relaying her vitals, Roy tried to get a little more information from her.

"Ma'am, how old are you?" Roy asked. He still wasn't comfortable asking older women their age but he was even more terrified of guessing wrong.

"Well, I'll….. be 83…..in 2 weeks," came the rasping response.

Johnny never missed a beat. He had heard Roy's question as well as their patient's response and immediately said, "Rampart, the victim is 83 years old."

Dr. Early had already noted her vitals and her history of asthma so he continued with his questions. "51 does the victim use a rescue inhaler?"

Roy looked at his frail patient and repeated the question to her.

"Yes….yes, I do. I just don't…know where…I put it."

"Affirmative, Rampart but she doesn't remember where she has placed it," Johnny said in a frustrated voice but before he could continue his patient raised her hand and pointed towards her purse in the chair beside her bed.

Without thinking Johnny grabbed the purse and opened it while dumping the contents out on the bed beside their patient. Her rescue inhaler fell out…but when Johnny saw what else fell out he thought he'd need to use the inhaler himself!

Roy noticed his momentary hesitation and reached for the inhaler. After, assisting the patient to use it and ensuring that her bronchial tubes were once again expanding and allowing her to breathe better; he turned to Johnny and noticed his younger partner still in shock. There, lying on the bed amid the other benign contents of the elderly woman's purse was a toy – an adult toy!

He noticed that his patient suddenly felt much better and was beginning to regain a little color to her face and neck.

"Oh my, I see you met my little Bobby" said the elderly lady. "I'm sorry, he should know better" she said with a wink. The color had returned fully to her hot cheeks; Johnny's were a little red too.

"Well, see…he won't cheat on me and he won't ever lay a hand on me" she said with a little giggle.

Johnny, for some reason, felt the need to say something and he said the only thing he could think to say.

"Yes Ma'am, and he won't cause you to get pregnant either." He screwed his eyes shut and turned his head away from her. Damn, Gage, couldn't you think of ANYTHING else to say? Geez!

Roy, realizing his partner was really in trouble, simply stated, "Well, Ma'am we'd like to take you to the hospital and let a doctor check you out."

"Oh, no….I'm doing fine now. I'm so glad you two handsome young men came to help me out."

"Uh, yea….um, I mean, you're welcome, Ma'am" Johnny said as he started quickly packing up their gear and backing himself out of the room. Roy had her sign the appropriate form for refusal before he too exited the residence.

Roy thought his chest would burst before he could get out of her house and release the laugh he'd been holding in. Once he'd pulled out into traffic heading back to the station, he completely lost it. "Oh, oh my goodness, Junior." He could barely spit out the words between rounds of laughter. "Where on earth did you come up with that comment?"

Johnny did not want to answer; his embarrassment was already written all over his face. "Enough Roy, ok?"

"I ca… I can't help it….the look on your….face was priceless. I thought…..I thought for a minute you were …..gonna pick it up…..and….and ask her what …what it was."

"Enough, Roy…..ok!" This time his words were louder and more forceful but Roy couldn't help but notice the way he was pursing his lips together to keep his signature crooked grin from spreading.

"What were you thinking?" Roy asked again through snickers

"Hell, Roy, all I was thinking was that I had to say SOMETHING so she wouldn't see how surprised I was. You know we're taught not to let our shock show on our faces because it upsets the patient." He knew Roy wasn't buying his excuse.

"Junior, that's for severe injuries…..not…..not…..sss..…sss…ex toys!" It took all Roy had just to get the words out before he doubled over inside the cab of the squad from laughing so hard. Johnny lost his battle to stay serious.

Laughter poured out from his lopsided grin as they were backing into the station. "Did she call that thing, Bobby?"

-x-

Back in his hospital room, Johnny was laughing almost as hard as Roy. Each round of laughter brought fresh grimaces as his body reminded him why he was in the hospital in the first place. "Oh, Roy….please stop it. You're killing me," he said with a grin. He knew not to look at his partner as they both were still giggling like a couple of little girls and one look at his partner's laughing face would bring on another round of belly-aching laughs!

Roy couldn't help it. He had to verbalize what they each were thinking…"I think I know why she kept her inhaler in her purse with Bo…." He couldn't finish his sentence. Both men grabbed their midsections as they tried to turn away from each other and settle back down.

"I…I just wis…wish….we'd brought her….and….bo…bobby in here." He had finally managed to get the words out. It took several moments for the two of them to calm down enough to breathe.

The door suddenly opened and Dixie stuck her head in…."What kind of party are you two having in here," she teased. The only answer she got was total chaotic laughter as both men shared the same thought. What would Dix have done if she'd opened up the old lady's purse?