A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing!
As I lay in bed I have a hard time falling asleep. For hours I stare at the ceiling, seeing the image of Sophie without even closing my eyes. I can't suppress the thousands of sinister scenarios that could have resulted in her being beaten. Did that man rape her? When I try to think about my family to quell the pain I can only imagine their reactions to seeing Sophie that way. And what of her own siblings? What did her family think when they saw her? Even thinking of my anger at Gale doesn't help me rid the ache in my heart, if anything it makes it worse.
There is no protection. No preservation of self once you've been contracted. You must submit to the law and to your partner. The injustice of this realization, finally forces tears from my eyes. My body is no longer my own.
Even though the house is silent and empty, I try to keep my sobs as quiet as I can. I feel the bed quaking with the vigorous shaking of my body. I'm tired, that's why I'm crying so hard, I think. I know though, that everything has just finally become too much. I've lost the little bit of control that I've maintained.
Some time passes before I hear the creak of the front door, followed by a low thunk; probably Gale dropping his boots. I shiver as I continue to cry. Anxiously I rub the back of my hands against my eyes. It doesn't do much good though. I turn myself over roughly, so that my back is facing our bedroom door. I don't want to face him right now. He didn't want to face me either; otherwise he would have been home hours ago.
When Gale opens the bedroom door he does it so quietly that the creak of the dresser opening startles me. I nestle further into my damp pillow and try to maintain even breathing. Gale's clothes rustle quietly as he changes. Then I feel a slight draft on my back as he pulls the blankets back to climb into bed. He sighs heavily as he adjusts himself. I press my face harder into the pillow to keep my emotions from bursting out. I'm sure that Gale can feel my shoulders lightly shaking the mattress as I cry.
I must cry myself into a deep sleep at some point, because when I open my eyes it is suddenly daylight. The hearty call of a bird pulls me from a dream. I was lying in the field behind the house looking at the clouds with Tomik. Gale is gone again. I make our bed trying to ignore the looming silence. I attempt to hum one of mother's mountain tunes, but it chokes me up too much and I fear that I'll be strangled with emotion again so I quit while I'm ahead.
Today will be the first day of my vocation assignment. After the bed is made I take out a pair of trousers and a shirt to wear. I'm not quite sure what Healer Everdeen will expect me to wear. I lay the outfit on the bed before I go to the kitchen to set up a small pail for washing. It was one of our new purchases yesterday. It's still shiny and unused.
Neither Gale nor I have used the large wash basin yet either, but eventually one of us will need a full-fledged bath. There is a large wash basin sitting in the bottom of the closet ready to be used. We'll need to boil water in buckets to fill it. I wonder if we'll wash indoors or outdoors.
I notice that Gale's mining gear is missing and realize that he probably had to be at the mines long ago. He probably prepared his own lunch. We've only been married for a few days and I'm already forgetting to feed him, I scoff at myself as I fill the small pail with water and set it on the stove to heat up.
After the water has warmed enough I remove my nightclothes and moisten the washcloth to clean myself. It feels strange being nude in this house. I quickly wash dirt and stench from my body with a little bar of soap. Afterward I dry the water droplets that have fallen on the floor and dump my dirty wash water back down the sink's drain.
After dressing and preparing a small breakfast I check the one clock in our house. An old thing that's perched over the fireplace. I have a little bit of time before I will be required to meet Healer Everdeen, but then again, I'm not exactly certain how to reach her home. I nervously scan my paperwork and find her address quickly enough. I'll still have to ask someone how to get there though.
When I exit the house the sun seems brighter than it did yesterday. It beats down on my shoulders and the crown of my head. I ask an elderly woman to direct me toward Healer Everdeen's street and she points me back toward the fork in the road. I head down the opposite end and search for her house number. Most of the houses on this side seem just as dismal as my own. The Everdeen's home is on the end of a block next to the forest, much like mine. I approach and steel my nerves. I'm uncertain what will be in store for me, but I'm ready to learn all that I can.
Healer Everdeen answers shortly after my knock, "Hello. Please come in, come in." Healer Everdeen's house is set up differently than mine. It looks as though it has four bedrooms instead of two and a living room that doubles as a ward.
"Thank you for being punctual," she tells me as she heads into the living area that serves as kitchen, dining room, living room, and ward.
Immediately Healer Everdeen returns to a brew that she's making on the stove. I watch her languidly stir the contents; she continues to add varying ingredients as she stirs. One look around and I realize that I'll be needing a lot more equipment than the set of vials Gale gave me. I haven't given much thought to how healers get their tools and medicine.
Healer Everdeen's living room area has two tables with soft pads on top, serving as thin mattresses. She has a curtain fashioned to the ceiling around them. A large cabinet on the left is full of vials, bottles, and canisters. The couch and kitchen table are pushed against the opposite wall of the room.
"Take a look around, I'll be with you in a moment. I just have to finish mixing this salve," Healer Everdeen nods toward her equipment.
I move toward the large cabinet I was just eyeing and open it gingerly. Many of the containers are labeled with a white tape and a neat cursive script. Healer Everdeen must jar most things herself. I inspect the beds and the linen cabinets next. Everything is organized and pristine. It is probably very important to know where all the materials are and to be prepared for anything.
Healer Everdeen removes the pot from her stove and places it on a cooling rack in the middle of the table. She beckons for me to sit down across from her. She pulls out some paperwork and a file. It feels strange to be here, to be starting this so soon after leaving home. I don't feel ready in the least.
"Well, welcome to my home and ward. I'm happy to be working with you. We'll be working together for several years before you are granted the ability to work from your own home. For starters, I'd like you to call me Josephine. You are a colleague now, so that last name business isn't necessary," she smiles at me as she slides the paperwork across the table.
"You can call me Arwen then," I agree. She has a nice smile.
"Alright, down to business. I'll need to you to fill out these papers so that the Capitol knows that you've actually shown up to work. Then we can get started with some preliminary lessons on herbs. I'll give you homework every day and you'll mostly be doing some observations and lessons for the time being," she explains as I begin filling out my paperwork. She allows me a few minutes to complete the forms. I push the stack back toward her when I am finished and she folds the papers neatly before placing them in an envelope.
"Let's talk about herbs today, it is a good place to start," Josephine pronounces as she nods toward her large cabinet. She begins to pull out a number of different jars. She stacks them in three different groups on the table.
"These are your basic herbal remedies for soothing aches, pains, and mild cold symptoms," she indicates the large pile on the left side of the table. She points to two of the jars and declares them the most important. Next she moves her hand toward the middle pile.
"These are for fever and higher level pain; but be careful, too high a dosage can slip someone into a deep sleep that's hard to come out of." I mentally note the side effect and reprimand myself for not bringing any paper to write notes on.
"Last we have the herbs that are good for fertility and regulation of menstrual cycles. You can also expect it to help even out any intense emotional swings. These are the most important. The Capitol expects that you will keep fertility a top priority by promoting good health in all women," Josephine presses her hands to her hips as she finishes explaining her herbs.
She chews her lip for a moment, thinking about something. Then she nods to herself and holds a finger up to indicate she has something else she wants to show me. I wait beside the table, hoping that I don't look as distressed by learning healing methods as I already feel. Josephine returns with a large tome in her hands. It is frayed on the edges and looks as though it has been put to good use through the years. She places the large book on the table and turns to the first page as she slides it closer to me.
We stand nearly shoulder to shoulder as she points to the inscription, "This book has been passed down through my family for generations. I was born in the Capitol, but my parents were both from other districts. My parents ran an apothecary shop that specialized in homeopathic medicines. My great-great-great grandfather started writing this book of herbs when he was an apprentice in District 3. The rest came as time passed and he was handed down. Even my late husband made about twenty entries from herbs he found outside the fence." The last part, Josephine says very quietly as though her home has Capitol surveillance. She seems dazed suddenly. I wonder if she is thinking of her husband. She shakes her head softly before closing the book and smiling at me.
"It has herbs and remedies from four different districts. I want you to study it. I'll entrust it to you for the time being. Every night you will read five entries and report your findings to me." I nod my assent to complete the task. Just as she is about to say something else we hear a loud bang.
The front door slams against the wall in the entryway. I jump in surprise and swivel to see a bearded man hobbling in. His grin is wide and brimming with sarcasm. He looks worn, gruff, and older than Healer Everdeen by several years. I know immediately though, that this is her second husband. The man who Gale said was contracted to her since both of their spouses were deceased. They still need to produce one more child between them to meet quota, the thought slips through and makes me shiver. They are too old to be worrying about a quota deadline.
I can't remember his name, but the man looks half-drunk. I vaguely remember Gale calling him an old drunkard. He leans heavily against the wall as he sloppily unlaces his boots. He's toeing them off when Katniss comes bounding in after him.
"We're not done talking about this old man!" Katniss hisses as she forces her way around him in the hallway and blocks his entrance into the house. She stabs her pointer finger into the center of his chest and he wobbles backwards as if the mere touch of her finger is enough to tip him over.
"Sweetheart I know what I seen!" He barks out, half laughing as he swivels back. His face comes close to brushing against her enflamed cheeks. She glares at him with disgust.
"Haymitch, there is absolutely nothing going on between me and Peeta Mellark!" Katniss words are barely finished before the man, Haymitch it seems, is laughing in her face again.
"Bullshit, sweetheart. You were making eyes at each other. He looked like he wanted to stuff you with more than a few cheese buns," Haymitch finally pushes his way past the angry girl and makes his way into the kitchen area. He nods a hello to his wife before he slams a glass on the counter and pours a clear liquid into it from a flask.
"Josephine, looking wonderful as always today love," Haymitch smirks towards his wife.
I expect her nostrils to flare in aversion, but she rolls her eyes and smiles heartily back at him. Within a beat she moves towards him. She pats his back and removes the glass from his fist just before he attempts to take a swig of the vile smelling liquid. He pouts a protest at her as she tucks the glass away in the icebox. She shoos him away from it with a knowing look that says, you can have it later and you've had enough for now.
Katniss is standing angrily in the middle of the kitchen, looking flustered. Haymitch reaches a hand out to squeeze Josephine's hip as he turns his attentions back to her daughter. He grins smugly at her, mocking her with a short little phrase, "Something wrong sweetheart?" Josephine cuts in before Katniss' anger can flame at her stepfather once more.
"Arwen, this is my husband Haymitch Abernathy. You've already met Katniss," she introduces me. Haymitch finally turns his hazy eyes on me. He leans over with his palm stretched wide in my direction. I shake it gingerly, noting the strange stickiness of his fingers and the scent of alcohol that lingers on my hand afterward.
"Rough job kid, but you'll like learning from the Mrs.," Haymitch says. I muster a smile for social standards. Though, I know that I'll have a lot of learning and difficult cases to make it through during my time with Healer Everdeen.
"How was your day Katniss?" Josephine asks as she smiles at her daughter. Katniss just shrugs in response, eyeing me for a moment before she swings a giant leather bag onto the table beside the plant book. It must be her hunting bag. It looks like something that someone would bring into the forest at least.
I take a moment to examine Katniss' appearance more. She's a pretty girl, plain but stunning in a wild sort of way. Her long black hair is wispy and her silver eyes are vibrant. She truly looks as though she could be Gale's sister. He hadn't labeled her his lover or given her any other term of endearment, but rather had simply called her his hunting partner. As such, what duty did she owe to him then?
Haymitch pats his wife on the hip before going to the old couch and unceremoniously falling onto it, "Your daughter had a wonderful day today, Josey, fraternizing with Mellark's youngest boy. He's real sweet on her, that lump of lard is."
Katniss glares at him and gives her mother an exasperated expression as she opens her bag to begin removing items. Josephine shoots me an apologetic look for the bickering. It's amusing, but I wonder how much of it she has to deal with on a daily basis. The more I see from Katniss, the more evident it is that she has a quick temper. Haymitch probably gets his daily dose of excitement from instigating.
Haymitch pats his knee as he laughs, "Should have seen the eyes he was giving her." He laughs again and continues, "It won't end well Sweetheart, and you know you'll be contracted to different people." Katniss' silence doesn't last long. She swivels on her heel and crosses her arms roughly over her chest.
"Nothing did or will ever happen Haymitch. We won't ever be together to begin with so you won't have to worry about my honor or emotions," she grits out, "And STOP calling me sweetheart!" Haymitch chuckles, but finally acquiesces.
Josephine beckons me back to the kitchen area where she shows me how to finish a salve she was working on when I arrived. We jar the burn cream and she places it in the ice box to keep it fresh. We discuss the uses of Capitol medicines and how most patients can't afford them anyway. She does admit that she never utilizes them unless absolutely necessary.
I realize that Gale's medicine purchase is worth more to me and my future patients than I thought. Beside us Katniss removes a series of small furry animals. With the same deftness I saw from Gale the first night of my life here, Katniss removes the fur. After skinning the animal she begins to cut the meat and remove entrails. The smell is putrid, but no one in the room seems to mind. If I don't have the stomach for this, how will I have the stomach for injured patients?
Next Josephine teaches me how to clean cloth wrappings for injuries and how to bind a splint. We use Haymitch's leg as a model. He seems annoyed, but allows his wife the opportunity to teach me. Haymitch is an unruly fake patient, but after the third try Josephine deems my splint well-done. Haymitch escapes to his bedroom after I've finished with his leg for the last time.
For the remainder of the day I follow Josephine through her daily work. She prepares ingredients for mixing for most of the afternoon and discusses the benefits of being prepared for anything. She tells me about the other Healers who have worked in the district and briefly mentions that her youngest daughter has really taken a shine to healing. Primrose Everdeen sounds sweet and the stories her mother tells about her eagerness to help make me take an instant liking to her. I see Katniss smiling at the sink as she listens to her sister being praised.
As it begins to reach the late afternoon Josephine informs me that I am free to go. I help her clean up and thank her for the day. She retreats into her room to check on Haymitch before she begins dinner. The plant book is heavy as I hold it against my chest. I stand in the doorway and glance around the room one last time. For the next few years I will be working in this room, healing patients with all sorts of conditions. The thought is daunting.
I am about to leave when Katniss turns toward me, her forearms drenched in blood. She clears her throat roughly and shoots me a sidelong glance. It's apparent she's waited until I was alone to address me directly.
"Uh…I'm sorry you know…about the other day," Katniss shifts her gaze toward the sink as she speaks. I stare at her bloody palms. It's an awkward apology, but I appreciate it.
"It's fine. Changes can affect everyone in different ways," I encourage her with a forgiving smile. I think the corner of her mouth turns up, but it is hard to tell. She nods a few times and then looks at me more directly.
"Gale told me you know about us and the hunting…that's why I'm not hiding this from you," she nods down at the bloody kitchen area.
She has an organized system of cleaning and sorting her meat. I can see several containers lined along the counter. I've been avoiding eye contact with the area, afraid that I may get sick all over the floor. I don't want Healer Everdeen to think I'm not able to stomach things when I will be seeing all sorts of injuries in the coming months.
"You both know the risks and I suppose you know how I feel about it too," I say. Katniss nods and sets back to work on the animal she is currently handling. My stomach lurches as she slaps a large chunk of meat into one of the larger containers.
"Maybe I will come to terms with it someday," I murmur. Katniss glances up at me, her eyes set in a determined way.
"You will if you know what's best for your family," she affirms. The way her voice lilts on the final word grates at me. She's hinting at the thing that Gale and I must come to terms with. We will soon be pawns of the Capitol; perpetually trying to provide enough children to keep our family in the government's good graces.
A harsh knock on the front door makes me jump. Katniss' eyes plead that she needs me to answer it. I oblige, setting the plant book on a chair and swiftly opening the front door. I hear Josephine exiting her room behind me. On the front stoop is a little boy, no older than seven. His face is covered in dirty tear tracks and he is heaving with the effort to catch his breath. He must have run all the way here. My stomach plummets, I know we're about to be dragged off to see the first patient I will ever have in District 12.
Josephine shoulders around me, placing her hand on the boy's arm and urging him to take long deep breaths. Eventually his breathing slows enough for him to inform us that his older brother fell out of a tree and broke his leg down by the creek. Josephine adopts a fierce expression as she quickly packs her bag with medical supplies. Earlier she had shown me the preliminary supplies that she always keeps in the large canvas bag by the door. The additional supplies include stitching supplies, the materials for a splint, and extra gauze and antiseptic.
Before I know it we are rushing after the young boy as he leads us through the district. I barely have my bearings on the direction when we halt beside a small dirty creek. Instantly my ears are met with anguished wails. Josephine reaches the boy first and hurriedly kneels beside him. She has her supplies out of her bag before I have even reached them. I gasp loudly as I see the boy's mangled bloody leg bent crookedly beneath him. The bone has punctured through the skin. He looks delirious with pain. My stomach churns violently and I see white spots behind my eyes. I blink furiously to rid my vision of the cloudiness.
When I get my wits about me I urge his brother to go get their parents. The younger boy runs off, back toward the Seam. Josephine administers a small dosage of morphling and props the boy's leg up on her knees. She moves it gently.
"Arwen, I need you to reach in the bag and get us both a pair of gloves, then hand me the scalpel. Use the sanitation pads to cleanse it beforehand," Josephine says evenly.
She sooths the boy with gentle words, but her eyes are fierce showing the calculations she is making in her head. It must have been a very high fall for a break this terrible. I do as she says, carefully putting on gloves and helping her into her own. I clean the scalpel and then together we clean the bloodied area of his leg.
I want to turn away, but my eyes are glued to the scalpel as Josephine glides it down the boy's shin. He has finally drifted into a morphling induced sleep. I watch as she spreads the incision and attempts to glide the bone back into a more proper alignment. She has me apply pressure to the area as she sutures his leg shut and then prepares the splint. We sanitize the leg before she wraps his splint firmly. My fingers quake slightly as I lift them away from his frail little body. A frightened woman approaches as we finish up, followed closely by an older boy.
As Josephine explains the brief procedure and the conditions of caring for the wound I find my mind drifting off. The adrenaline of the moment seized me in a firm grasp and now I feel the rush ebbing away. I absently pack up the supplies as the older brother carries our little patient home. I must look sheet white, because Josephine laughs when she looks back at me.
"You did well Arwen," she encourages.
I feel myself nodding, but my body feels a little numb. Josephine pats my arm and vows to walk me home. I vaguely hear her talking about her first experiences with patients of her own. She'd grown up watching her parents, but it was different when the life was in her hands. Josephine pats my forearm delicately again as she parts from me at the front of my house.
I walk in expecting everything to be heavy with silence, the way it was last night and this morning. It's not though. I hear Hazelle and Gale talking heatedly as I enter. I slip off my shoes and hesitantly walk into the room, knowing they probably already heard me anyway. Posy is doodling a picture as she sits at the table beside her mother. Gale is pacing back and forth a few feet away. Everyone turns to look at me. Hazelle and Gale both look slightly guilty and I know they've been discussing me. Gale quickly averts his gaze from my face. Posy knits her eyebrows and stares at my clothes.
"Arwen, you're covered in red stuff!" She chimes, her eyes alighting over me.
I can see the rainbow she's coloring on her blue tinted paper. It's multicolored and shaped slightly crooked, but the image is cheery and energetic just like her. I look down at the offending "red stuff" that is covering my top and trousers. I'm covered in blood. I hadn't noticed it. My palm hovers over a large patch of it on my stomach, before I wrench my hand away. Hazelle looks concerned.
"Why don't you go change dear? We'll have time to talk when you're done," Hazelle's soft voice advises.
I nod absently and backtrack toward the bedroom to change. I shakily slip out of the bloodied clothes and find a cotton dress to slip on instead. I bring the clothes to the kitchen, but I feel foolish asking Hazelle what I should do with them. Luckily she already has a suggestion before I need to ask.
"You'll want to set those clothes in cold water to soak; it'll pull stains out better. I can take them with me to scrub for you," Hazelle suggests.
Hazelle being a washerwoman has merits, but I don't want her to think I'm helpless. I flush at the thought of needing this woman already, but I follow her advice and set the clothes in the sink. I pump quite a bit of cold water on them and turn back to the group of Hawthornes with slightly bated breath.
"Gale and Mama hung your curtains and we brought cookies from my math tutor Ms. Madge!" Posy tells me excitedly. My eyes drift to the pale blue cloth hanging from the windows, then to the plate of uneaten cookies on the table. I don't have the stomach to eat tonight, let alone the ability to consume something sweet. I'm used to bland foods.
"Thank you," I muster a standard acknowledgement. Hazelle eyes me warily.
She places her hand on her daughter's small shoulder, "Posy, go out and play in the yard. Maybe you can find a new pet rock."
The little girl looks flustered for a second and I imagine she will start to argue her desire to color, but she looks up at her mother's stern face and quickly heads toward the door. When she has officially exited the house Hazelle beckons me forward with her hand. I slowly approach the table and take the seat that Posy vacated. It is still slightly warm from the heat of her small body. Hazelle clears her throat and glares at the back of her son's head. Gale takes the cue and turns toward her with a meaningful gaze. He sighs, heaving his shoulders before he takes the seat across from me.
"Are you alright dear?" Hazelle asks me softly. I stare at the wood grain of the table and nod.
"It will be tough for a while, but you'll get used to it. Healer Everdeen will do right by you, teach you all you need to know," She assures me with a gentle voice and the warm pressure of her hand on mine.
I let her squeeze my fist on the tabletop. I can't look at either of them right now. I have a sinking feeling that this discussion won't be a light friendly chat about the weather. Gale's finger nail picks at a groove in the table, emitting a quiet click-click-click.
I clear the mucous in the back of my throat and allow myself to speak, "If you want to discuss my duty I am willing to, but my thoughts might be in another place. I just need time to adjust to seeing patients in distress."
I look first into Hazelle's oval shaped eyes. Her face is full of understanding, but I can see the underlying worry for our future. Our future weighs out stronger in her mind; because she brings up the exact topic I am dreading within the next minute.
"I don't think it is necessary for me to warn you about the Capitol's vision of our duty," Hazelle begins, "But I will say it anyway, you must adhere to their policies sooner than later. They will come looking for answers, looking for pregnancies, and though now is not the time to force this on you I want you to be prepared."
"How much time do they give couples who have a high genetic probability?" Gale asks. I finally let my eyes slip in his direction. He is staring down at my hands, one of which is still curled beneath his mother's palm.
"Not long at all, a few months at best," Hazelle sighs.
I feel tears threatening to brim in my eyes. This day has been too much. I still haven't come to terms with my fate and discussing it outright only breeds more fear. To top it off, I've just witnessed a surgical procedure. Hazelle senses the tension in my body and squeezes my palm harder. Finally, the barrier bursts and the tears stream down my cheeks. I feel myself shaking, but everything seems distant. I don't want to sleep with a man I barely know.
"Oh no, dear don't cry. It's alright, you've got some time. I didn't mean to frighten you, I just want to make sure you are looking out for yourselves," Hazelle immediately folds me into her arms. She presses me against her, with my face nestled in the crook of her neck.
The sensation is too motherly again and I'm hit with the loss of my own mother once more. This only makes me cry harder. Hazelle rocks me against her bosom, patting my back gently. I feel like a small child, which is humiliating. Gale's chair scrapes across the floor as he stands. I hear the handle of the pump squeak as he retrieves me a glass of water. I sniffle loudly as I carefully take it from his hand. Hazelle dabs at the corner of my eyes and I take a long swig of cold water. Over the brim of my glass I can see the pained expression on Gale's face. What is he thinking?
Somehow the moment dissolves. We eat a hastily cooked dinner and bid farewell to Hazelle and Posy. I find myself being ushered into the bedroom by Gale as darkness settles in. He guides me toward the bed and retrieves clothing to change into outside our room. When he returns he pulls the covers back and slides in next to me. We sit in silence for a long time.
Finally, Gale's voice drifts to me in the darkened room, "I want you to know. I will never hurt you. Not like that." The bed shifts as he turns toward me.
"I won't force myself on you to meet the Capitol's needs. I hate them and I won't bow down to them in that way," his voice is firm.
"I know," I whisper into the darkness.
"Someday though, they'll come for us. If all it takes to keep them from hurting people we love is to do our duty, then I will cooperate," I shake as I let the words slip past my lips.
Gale huffs beside me and I feel the hot breath across my face, "I won't. I'd rather die than take that part of you. Nothing that vile can be for the good of Panem." With that he turns his back to me and settles in to sleep.
A/N: Thanks for reading! Come check out my tumblr at Fortunefaded2012. You can find drabbles and sometimes I post future pieces of chapters. Thanks again!
