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DATE: January 23, 2007
621 Mayflower Avenue, Upstate New York.
How long had it been now?
I had lost track of the days by now, sitting in this hole in the ground. I could feel the slick grease coating my hair and ran my fingers through the long locks, rubbing them together then my fingers. It was gross. I pulled my legs to my chest and rocked back and forth, mumbling to myself. This hole was getting to be too small for me, my head was starting to touch the lid.
Light poured in on me, a giant hand reaching in and jerking me out. I cried out but didn't try to fight off daddy. I knew to never fight off daddy. He stared into my eyes, analyzing the defeat there and smirking when he saw what he wanted to. I hung there limply, letting him drag me over to the back porch. He dropped me there and walked away for the moment, letting me rest my forehead against the railing support.
My dirt caked hair and naked body shook in defeat, my mouth gasping for fresh air. I looked up at the sky for a brief moment before a blast of water caught me in the face. I cried out in surprise and raised my arms up, letting the water force me back, all the way to the glass doors. Looking up I could see momma watching me with a stone face.
I let out a sob and curled into a ball, letting daddy hit me with the cold water. I could never get away…I could never escape…
DATE: JUNE 19, 2007
TEST VILLAGE, NEW MEXICO DESERT
I gasped into awareness, sitting up with my arms raised in defense against nothing. When I realized where I was I sighed in relief and laid back in bed, letting my breathing slow down. I stared out at the desert, at the rising sun. I was in the desert, not being tortured by my parents. No that was behind me, in my past, not in my present.
I slipped out of bed and grabbed up my road, leaving my room. I decided a shower was the best thing for me right now. It would calm me down and I was really sweaty. I turned on the cold water, sighing when the water hit my skin.
Why would my brain choose now to let me have those dreams? To bring my past back to me? Was my subconscious trying to tell me something? God, now I sounded like one of my therapists. There were so many I had to go through to get to the medication that was waiting for me in Cali. Had to have experience you know? After all was said and done I realized the therapists did more harm than good. They made me remember a lot of things I wished I would have never remembered for the rest of my life. they dug up all of my past pains and made me realize how much I hated myself.
"Whatcha doin Mama?" I asked Big Mama when I entered the kitchen, towel drying my hair
She looked up from the pot of mystery food and smiled at me, asking Ruby for some seasoning I didn't know how to pronounce. "Just cooking tonight's dinner. It takes it a real long time to taste good, so I started last night. What're you doin' up so early sweetie?"
I sat at the kitchen table, beside Venus and Mercury who were yawning into tiny fists and coloring in old books. "I had a nightmare, decided to stay up."
"I'm sorry dear. Can you try this for me please?"
If Ruby was around it, it couldn't be human. "Sure," I jumped up and rounded the table to get to the pot. I took a sip from her big wooden spoon. "It's delicious," I smiled.
Big mama sighed in relief and went back to stirring. "Just imagine what it'll taste like by tonight."
I smiled wider; it was truly delicious, I could only imagine what it'll taste like tonight. I sat beside Venus and colored a dog with her, smiling at the small child beside me. I ran a hand through her hair and kissed her temple, lingering there when I saw Lizard in the doorway to the kitchen. I sat up straight then, staring him in the eye.
"What?" I asked.
He grunted, glared and moved over to his Mama. He talked to her in a low voice for a moment before he left the room. Venus turned to me when her old brother left.
"Is Dizzy goin ta stay wit' us foreva'?" she asked.
I smiled again and patted her head. "I guess so."
She smiled a crooked toothed smile and went back to her coloring book. I watched her with sad eyes. Would I stay here forever? Would one of them finally get sick of me and kill me, eat me? Or would I become a reluctant mate and have babies? Would I die that way, popping out baby after baby? i sure as hell hope not. It seemed like a shitty way to go if you ask me. Of course that's all you had out here, but I wanted love my whole life. I wanted someone to love me, take care of me, marry me.
But it looks like those hopes are out the window, along with any other dream I had before this. I guess I would stay here until I die and never see another normal human again unless they were hanging in the shack or being dragged through the dirt by Pluto.
"Is there something you want to talk to me about?"
I looked up at Big Mama, one eye closed. She was staring at me with concern, and that made me feel bad. She worried about me, I didn't want anyone to worry about me. I gave her a reassuring smile and waved my hand at me.
"It's nothing just…thinking about my future here."
"Well I hope you'll find a good mate. I mean, Goggle and Lizard would be good mates for you."
I held a sigh in and nodded. "I was thinking about that, but I don't think I'm ready for a mate. Not now at least, it may take me awhile and I doubt Lizard would be too thrilled with being paired with me."
Why was I making up an excuse? Why couldn't I just tell her I wanted to leave, to be free, not confined here popping out baby after baby?
She smiled and turned back to her pot. "I understand sweetie. But you would be surprised with Lizard. He's good to his family."
It made my heart flutter a little, but didn't make me want to be his mate. I excused myself and walked outside, into the fierce wind and wrapped my arms around myself. I looked around for something to do out here. I watched Cyst limping back and forth at one end of the town and shook my head at that. Instead of walking towards him I turned the opposite way and started to follow Lizard out into the desert.
I wonder if he could hear me…probably so.
"Wha' the hell ya doin'?"
I groaned when he turned to me. "I got bored and wanted to follow you." I mumbled, playing with the bottom of my flannel shirt.
"Get yer ass back ta tha house. Ya don't needs to be following me out here." he ordered, turning back around to the desert.
I grinded my teeth. "Why don't you like me?" I hissed.
He turned to me, glaring. "Why the fuck would ya care?"
I stomped up to him, pointing a finger into his chest. "Because it's me you're ignoring, me you're being a dick too. How can I just ignore that? Anyone else would get aggravated. Hell if I ignored you and all that shit you'd be pissed off at me."
"Well maybe ya shouldn' cower an' obey like a fuckin dog!"
I bared my teeth. "If I didn't you'd fuckin hit me!" I screamed, turning around and running back to the house.
Tears trickled down my cheeks. Fuck how could I get so emotional so quickly. It wasn't like me to do that. But he…he just pissed me off so badly. Ugh, I felt like such a teenager, falling onto my bed and snuggling with my pillow. I was pissed off for no reason. I felt like such a fucking idiot right now. How could I do that?
"What the hell is wrong with me?" I mumbled into my pillow.
"You ok, Dizzy?"
I looked up at Ruby. She was standing in the doorway, holding onto the doorframe like a shy child. "Yeah…" I thought better of it. "No, no I'm not. Lizard pissed me off." I looked at the wall.
She shuffled into the room, sitting on the very edge of my bed. "Lizar' always do that."
I chuckled, sniffling like a child. "Yeah…he does don't he?"
I looked over at Ruby and she was playing with her hands. Her little malformed hands. "Do you think you'll ever like Lizar'?"
I looked back at the wall, thinking. Would I ever like Lizard? Did I have it in me to tolerate him? "Probably not, but you don't need to worry about that."
"I just wonderin' cus Lizar'real lonely now. He told me so."
I bit my lip, staring at Ruby. "He is?"
She nodded. "Yeah. I feel bad fo' Lizar'."
I didn't feel bad for Lizard, I thought it was kind of funny. That's cruel isn't it, to think someone else's misery is funny? Wait, Lizard thinks other people's misery is funny, so maybe this is irony kicking him in the ass.
"Ya know what I think, Ruby?"
She looked down at me. "What?"
"I think your brother should be nicer so that he'll get a mate."
She nodded again. "I know, he so mean. That's why Emily left."
"Emily?" I sat up, wiping the tears off of my cheeks.
"She was this girl that stayed before you when Lizar' was nineteen. So that would be….seventeen years ago?" I nodded, applauding her success at math. She blushed and smiled, continuing. "Well she liked Lizar' a lot but when she tried to talk to him he would yell at her or hit her or something. She left one night and we don't know what happened to her."
I looked down, thinking of what Emily would have went through. Was she defiant when he griped at her, when I was submissive? I wonder if Lizard was meaner back then than he is now. I don't think he could be. I wish I could see a sweet Lizard, there had to have been one there at some point in his life. I wonder if he loved this Emily, if he still thought of her. And then I think why do I care?
Oh that's right, I'm a girl.
