Chapter 8 – The nature of miracles

The blue eyes shone among the grime and heavy furs. Her auburn hair was a shade lighter than Chakotay remembered. She held a robust walking stick in her hand, bare arms bronzed and covered in scratches and thin scars. The tip of a bow jutted from the side of a backpack, the quiver empty.

His heart missed a couple of beats. She was a magnificent sight.

Kathryn watched him intently, then her gaze came onto Tuvok and Torres.

"Captain?" Chakotay asked.

There was no sign she'd heard him. She was uninjured as far as he could see, and yet she made no move to step off the transporter pad. He opened his mouth to welcome her when the faint but recognisable sound of a baby crying sounded in the small room.

His breath hitched. "Is it Naomi?"

Something flickered in the woman's eyes at the baby's name.

"Can I see Naomi?" he repeated more slowly, his hands held wide.

Janeway put the backpack down, then lifted little Naomi out with an ease and gentleness which spoke of many days caring for the infant. The baby hiccupped a few times then cooed at the woman's touch.

"Commander, have you got the Captain?" Kim's voice came over the comms.

"Yes," Chakotay answered, without taking his eyes off Janeway. She looked ... out of place, alert and yet removed from what was happening around her.

He shook his head. Kathryn was safe and that was all that counted. "The Captain brought Naomi with her. We are all back. Paris, take us out of this system."

"With pleasure, Commander. Paris out."

"Chakotay?" B'Elanna asked, her tone hesitant.

"I've noticed too." Janeway had not reacted to the conversation, as if she was deaf, but she'd heard his call for Naomi.

Unsure of how to approach her, Chakotay remained where he was, noticing the way Janeway kept the baby close to her, as if ready to defend her if anybody made an aggressive move.

B'Elanna got up slowly from behind the transporter console and moved towards the door. "I'll go and send Sam here. Better if I tell her about her daughter rather than hearing it through the comms. I'll be in Engineering if you need me."

"It seems the Captain might need some time to recover from her ordeal. I'll go and assist Mr Paris," Tuvok said, nodding at Chakotay.

On his way out, the Vulcan pondered about unlikely timing, improbable survival, and the human drive to grasp those long odds and will them to happen. The Captain had been right, as was often the case with his friend. Hope was about believing in miracles, and never letting go.

He collided with Sam Wildman who was running down the corridor.

"Have you seen her?" she asked, breathless, as he held her upright.

"Yes, Ensign. Your daughter looks fine."

"Thank you, Lieutenant. Thank you for getting her back."

"You are mistaken, Ensign. I had very little to do with bringing your daughter back." Tuvok gently directed the woman towards the transporter room before turning back to his duties.

"Sam," Chakotay moved quickly to intercept the young woman. "Don't —"

She approached him, distressed. "Is something wrong with Naomi?"

Chakotay smiled, realising he was making the situation worse. "No, I don't think so. But —"

Sam stopped when she saw who was holding her daughter. "Captain? I thought you were dead. We all thought you were dead. How did you…?"

Janeway hobbled down the transporter pad. Sam walked quickly towards her, her arms extended, tears running down her cheeks. The older woman gently placed Naomi in the young mother's arms. Only Chakotay saw Janeway's longing gaze at the small face before she retreated to where her belongings lay.

He'd never seen her look so utterly miserable. His heart went out to her.

"Look, she's smiling," Sam said, tickling the baby's chin. "She is all right."

"You better get her checked by the Doctor."

"Yes, of course. I'll go immediately. I can't thank you enough, Commander, Captain." She left the room, all the while talking to Naomi who seemed puzzled by her face and voice.

Chakotay turned back to Janeway who looked once again to have withdrawn within herself. She had not said a word since she'd appeared on the transporter pad, had hardly acknowledged his presence, or that of Tuvok and B'Elanna.

No, he thought, that was not entirely true, it was more like she did not know how to react to them. As if she was no longer sure where she stood.

Or who she was, he suddenly realised.

###

"Commander, I can't believe we got the Captain back on Voyager only for her to get injured again."

The Doctor waved the osteo-regenerator over Janeway's left hand. The fingers of her other hand clenched at the biobed cover.

"We visited the airponics bay and all was well. Mess hall the same. She was pleased to see Neelix. Then we got to the bridge. She went straight to her seat and then…"

"What, she hit you again?"

"No. This time, she hit the console," Chakotay said.

The last few days had seen one setback after another. As her memories reclaimed her mind, Janeway's frustration had grown, leading her to hitting whatever was closest at hand. It was as if the pain made her forget for a few seconds what she'd lost.

Satisfied with his work, the EMH put the device back on the tray and flexed Janeway's fingers one by one, watching her face to see if she was in pain. All he could see was the deep frown marring her forehead. She clearly did not want to be here. At least that part of her personality had returned, the EMH thought.

What worried him more was the fact that she didn't seem to mind people talking about her as if she was not present. His initial suspicion of deafness had been proven wrong, but the other possibility he'd been researching was even more concerning.

Janeway jumped off the biobed, nodded curtly at the two men and strode out.

Chakotay pushed his hand through his hair. "I think she's seen enough of me for a little while," he said, noticing the EMH's raised eyebrows. "Her memories are coming back, but she still doesn't seem to understand when somebody talks to her. What happened to her?"

The Doctor threw his arms in the air. "Take your pick. I treated her amnesia, but I suspect she also suffers from global aphasia, most probably combined or exacerbated by repressed post-traumatic stress when she found herself the captain of a starship crew stranded on a planet without a starship. But I am no counsellor, so what should I know."

"Doctor," Chakotay warned.

"My apologies, Commander." The EMH sighed audibly, a passable imitation of a very harried doctor.

"There isn't a single person who survived Hanon who has not suffered some sort of injury, or harboured diseases unknown to the Federation medical database. Me, in other words. The only one who lived through the whole ordeal mostly unscathed is Naomi Wildman. She was in remarkable good health apart from being slightly dehydrated. It was comforting to see her in her mother's arms."

Chakotay could still remember the heart wrenching look on Kathryn's face when she had relinquished her young charge into Sam's care. Kathryn had clearly been Naomi's mother in all but in name when everybody else had lost hope they were both still alive. Spirits knew what she had been going through just to survive.

"However, the Captain is a special case." The EMH switched on the screen of his PADD, showing some deep body scans. "She suffered multiple injuries quite a few weeks ago, most probably during the flood that took her and Naomi from what you told me. Her broken leg was reset with some skills, but impatient as the Captain usually is, she must have walked on it before it was properly mended. I had to break it again to straighten it."

Chakotay winced. Even when done under sedation, some medical treatments always sounded barbaric.

The Doctor highlighted a 3-D scan of a skull. "The Captain also suffered a massive blow to the left hand-side of the head. The main problem we are facing now is that the concussion affected the parts of the brain responsible not only for memories but also for language recognition and expression. It's not simply that she does not understand the words, Commander, she does not understand the use of language as a way of communicating. Manifestly, simple gestures are fine, but anything verbal or written is a total mystery to her."

"Could it be the natives who did that to her?" The furs had been a dead giveaway that she had met a very similar group to Pâât's but perhaps those people had been hostile towards her.

"Apart from those injuries, I have found nothing that indicate the Captain was ill-treated in any way. In fact, she is the only one with young Naomi who is showing no indication of long term malnutrition or vitamin deficiency. The rest of the crew, including yourself, need regular treatment before you all collapse at your stations and invade my sickbay again."

"We were busy evading the Kazon ships, Doctor," Chakotay said, annoyed at the comment.

He lifted his hands up to placate the EMH. "But you are right, I'll make sure to establish a roster for the crew to come and see you for their injections. More to the point, how can we help the Captain? If she can't communicate, she can't lead the ship. And she's realised that now, unfortunately."

The Doctor shut the PADD. "Indeed, Commander. On Hanon, her physical impediments were probably more a hindrance than the shortcomings of her memories or communication abilities. She remembered enough of her skills to make do. Here however, the problems are exacerbated by the demands of her position."

"Hence her frustration, and her ways to try and deal with it. I know she never really wanted to hit me the first time, but what can we do to help?" Chakotay repeated impatiently.

He scratched his jaw, still surprised not to feel the hard stubble of a beard.

"The first few days after such a head injury are crucial for recovery, but in the Captain's case, we are playing catch up weeks after the fact. The treatment to help her regain her speech will be a slow process."

"The Captain does not do slow, Doctor, when something stands between her and Voyager. We need a more drastic solution. What about a mind meld?"

The fact that the EMH did not at once discard the idea was the first indication he might finally have found a way to help Kathryn.

###

The single letter stood alone — I

Janeway pronounced the word clearly. The Doctor had said it would help her to say aloud the words she still had problems stringing together verbally. She could not go back to the bridge before she could fluently express her thoughts.

She typed.

I am

After the mind meld with Tuvok, she'd regained the use of the written word at a record speed, a fact that the Doctor had been unable to explain. At least, typing enabled her to communicate more easily with the crew, but she still could not talk.

She unclenched her fingers which had formed into a familiar fist. Hurting herself again would only ensure another trip to sickbay and worried glances from Chakotay.

I am

The two words echoed in the stillness of her quarters.

Hardly a revelation, she thought wryly. Or maybe it was 'I think I am' because who was the 'I' who stood so straight and clear-cut on the screen? It fitted the captain of this mighty ship, with its brave crew and the technology of an entire quadrant to make it safely to the planet of her birth across thousands of light years.

But then, where was the traveller who had trekked on foot through a stark and unknown landscape? Who was the woman who had lived from day to day with the help of kind and compassionate people who'd carried only the most basic tools and understanding of the vast universe around them?

The memories of her stay with the Hanon family flooded her with sadness. What she remembered best were their laughters and warmth as they watched over the two babies lying side by side in the flickering light of the camp fire.

She understood now why they had taken Naomi with them all those weeks ago, and left her behind. The laws of that harsh land did not extend to caring for a badly injured stranger with a meagre chance of survival. The old man had done what he could to help though once she'd proven her will to live. She owed it to him to try again.

I am the Captain, she pronounced slowly as she typed.

Was there that much of a difference between the nomad and the Starfleet captain? Between watching the stars spread over the night sky, belly full near a primeval fire, or viewing them streaking past at warp speed from her neat and clean desk?

She longed to talk about her experiences with Chakotay. He had tried to tell her about the crew's adventures on Hanon, but long sentences still tripped her up, a jumble of words that took her stupid mind much too long to unravel.

After wiping her cheek, a rare gesture she reserved for her quarters, she moved her hands once more over the keyboard.

I am Captain Janeway.

A week back on Voyager and she'd spoken four words in a row.

She pushed herself off the chair and crossed to the window. She still expected her leg to betray her, to strand her in the middle of the room but it was straight and strong again. Not like her mind, limping through the shortest ever sentence at the speed of a land snail.

I am Captain Janeway.

Her reflection lip-synced the same words. There were new lines at the corners of her mouth, and an almost perpetual frown which she tried in vain to relax.

She leaned her forehead against the transparent aluminium. What if Voyager was more than she could handle? The crew had not survived Hanon to chance their future with a CO who could not communicate properly. What if she could no longer be their captain?

She shook her head. One step at a time, Chakotay had said. She might not yet be the straight-back captain, everybody, including herself, expected her to be, but there was a woman behind the weary traveller, with a first name, a past outside of Starfleet, and longings for the future. A woman who had held the soft warmth of a baby against her skin; who had dreamt of strong and skilled hands stroking her body and yearned for dark eyes filling her soul.

I am Kathryn.

Hitting her comm badge, she spoke the words haltingly.

"Anything else you want to tell me, Kathryn?"

It took her a few seconds to decipher the meaning of his words but she knew he would wait for her.

"Come? Here?" she said, hoping for the first time in days that he would blame her hesitation on her speech impediment.

She could almost hear his grin over the comms.

"Of course," came the softly spoken answer.

When she heard the chime, she stopped pacing the floor and calmed her heart. After all, she thought, they had the whole night for her to say all the words she wanted to tell him.


Thank you to all who have left comments and followed this story. Always an inspiration.