A/N:
MINKI! My dude, thank you for the in depth reviews. I'm smiling right now remembering when I read the past/passed comment. It seriously kept me up I was so bugged that I had done that. I'm actually using a document manager instead of the notepad on my phone so hopefully the grammatical mistakes and spelling errors decrease.
Also, thanks to you I have realized that the later chapters rush through certain things and stray from my original storyline so I'm currently editing them to make sure it's cohesive. I hope this chapter is up to par!
DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.
Chapter 4 - Disclaimer above
Your Facade is a Scam
That girl, Nakahara Himari, had been nothing but confusing since their first interaction. At first Oikawa had thought she hated him, with her overly sarcastic words and underlying venom when she had first spoken to him. Then, she had acted as if he didn't exist for nearly two weeks. When he had called her out in front of the team he had been attempting to get a reaction from her; to make her unbalanced and nervous. Instead, she marched back out of the club room and demanded he be on her team. Oikawa had seen that sort of odd behavior before in girls who liked him so, testing his theory, he gave her a line that had succeeded in making girls blush countless times before. What he got in return was her calling his bluff boldly and seductively and suddenly he was the one unbalanced and nervous.
He had been growing irritated by the minute, unable for the first time in memory to figure out a woman's motives. She had made it worse with every encounter. After Iwaizumi's spike her brother had said she had been focused so acutely on him that she had known what he would do and she had, admitting it to everyone with a shy smile. During the block Oikawa had whispered a warning for her not to jump because of Yahaba's tricky, slow set but she brushed him off like it was common knowledge. She had been rude, surprising, confident, alluring, shy, capable, and bold and they had spent less than thirty minutes in each others company. It had been confusing and aggravating and he had a petty dislike for her and her infuriatingly bewildering behavior.
Then, after he had passed to her she had the audacity to look at him like she did. Her face was flushed with joy and adrenaline and her smile was blinding and she thanked him like he had given her the best present in the world. No one had ever looked at him like that and he was struck directly in the chest such force it knocked the wind out of him. When the feeling dissipated he felt angry. She didn't even know him and he certainly didn't know her and he didn't like feeling like she had more control over his reactions than he did.
She turned away from him and was already in position to receive but for some reason he still glared at her. The whistle blew and almost immediately the ball connected with the back of his head. He caught himself before he crashed into the net and turned around with wide eyes, alarmed, to see Iwaizumi.
"Sorry." He said, followed by the teams chorus of 'don't mind'. But Oikawa knew his friend and he was sure that Iwaizumi was definitely not sorry.
My mood had been lifted marginally after Hajikun served into the back of Oikawa's head. The look he sent me when I turned to give him encouragement told me that he'd done it on purpose and I thought for sure that he had seen my interaction with Oikawa.
I watched Hinata bounce the ball hard a few times and I knew he was going to try and wreck our side. I turned to Hajikun and pointed at him to let him know that's where the serve was going just before the whistle blew. The seconds ticked by as Hinata waited until the last second to serve. He wanted to raise the tension and I could feel the air change on our side, knowing he succeeded. Finally, in slow motion, he served and it was like lightning. It hit Hajikun and flew outside of the court almost faster than any of our eyes could follow. I hissed, his topspin is hard to handle.
The next came quickly trying to catch us off guard but the team had already experienced Oikawa's serves and Hajikun yelled as he received it, still angry about the missing the last. The force of the impact sent the ball high and over the net. Calls of 'chance ball' rang through the gym and I tried to see where the hit would come from. I was too far away from the left when I saw Hinata ready for a back attack. "Watari!" I yelled as my brother hit the ball.
The libero sprung for it and saved it a foot from the floor and it ricocheted painfully into Kyotani who managed to hit it back up into the air. It soared high again but remained only just on our side. Instinctively, all the attackers moved toward the ball but I was too far away and stopped to watch helplessly. When Heisuke ran forward and jumped the opposing blockers jumped with him but he floated down without hitting the ball. All at once, Oikawa was directly behind him, jumping and spiking the ball passed the shocked faces of the blockers. He looked utterly thrilled.
The score was 3-2 in less than four minutes and Oikawa's point started our rotation again. Watari was heading to the other side rubbing the arm that took the brunt of Hinata's serve but they high-fived when the met. I felt the eyes of my team on me the moment Coach tossed me the ball and I knew what was going through their minds. They were waiting to see if the serve from the other day was just a fluke. I smiled sweetly, mildly irritated, and turned around to walk well past the boundary line.
After a few bounces I held the ball tight, squeezing it as I had the other day as if I could force my will into it. Oikawa's arms moved slowly toward the back of his head and hesitated for a moment, suspended in the air. The whistle blew and his hands slapped against the back of his head.
I smiled, I'm not going to hit you. The ball went up high in front of me and I ran, jumped, flew. I felt like wings held me aloft as my body sent all of my newfound passion to fuel my serving arm and struck the ball. Despite being out of practice I was somehow able to direct the ball closer to Hinata.
He grunted at the impact as it hit his arms and flew passed him. "Yes!" I shouted and looked around me to see the easy smiles of my team. Hajikun ran the short distance between us and we smacked both of our hands together. "That felt…" I struggled to find the words but he smiled again.
"I know." He tapped my forehead with his finger and walked back to his position. Beaming, I couldn't help but feel as if we were about to obtain a strong lead with Oikawa serving next. That was, if I could score with the next serve.
The man himself looked at me and I tried not to feel self-conscious as I caught the ball. I could still see him out of the corner of my eye staring at me like I was a math problem. I squeezed the ball in my hands once more and looked for a new mark. Hinata had been a good first choice due to his deficiencies in playing defense but he adapted irritatingly quickly and my next serve likely wouldn't gain us a point. We'd be pulled into a rally with Oikawa in the perfect position but with two stronger attackers in the back row. The next serve receive I would be switched out with Watari until our next serve. By then Oikawa would be on the back line and although he was a brilliant setter he would be running from the backcourt to the net after his serve and the opportunity to do my back attack would disappear.
I signaled for a time-out and the team converged on my position when Irihata blew the whistle. "My next serve will probably be received and another rally will start. I want to do a back attack, a pipe down the middle." I was looking for approval and the boys looked at each other like they were having their own silent discussion. I continued, "Oikawa is the best position right now to do it and if he sets it for me I'll get it passed everyone."
They looked uncomfortable now and unsure. Oikawa shrugged his shoulders. "No point in overthinking it. It was one of the reasons we asked them to play." Hajikun sent a hard chop to Oikawa's ribs.
"Dumbass. You wanted to play to stroke your ego, not to learn anything." His face was scrunched up in anger, though it didn't seem sincere. It was oddly affectionate.
"Iwa-chan, don't you think you've hit me enough today?" Oikawa pouted and his friend turned away indignantly to mumble a barely audible 'maybe'. I kept my short chuckle muted behind pursed lips but Oikawa's eyes darted to me. Ugh, he heard me.
"Oikawa-san please set the ball higher than normal, about two feet, and just in front of the attack line. I'll run straight up the middle." I thought of how greatly I respected his abilities and tried to pour every ounce of it into my voice to try and make up for all the things I had done to make him so angry at me.
He turned away while waving a hand at me dismissively. "Alright, alright, no need to be so serious." I blew out a large breath and felt my muscles relax. 'That went better than expected'. I thought my suggestion would have been met with at least a little opposition.
My prediction came true when Hinata loudly shouted that he would receive the serve and followed through. The ball spun wildly in the air and fell directly for Yahaba. I whispered curses under my breath and hoped we would be able to stop the attack. Hajikun grabbed my arm and flung me toward the middle to take my spot just before Kunimi spiked the ball right where I'd been. Without looking to see Hajikun's pass I bolted for the attack line. I saw the ball suddenly fly high in front of me and dip down just as I jumped. I hit it, cupping my hand, not worrying about where the blockers were. It wouldn't matter.
Kindaichi, Yahaba, and Kunimi all jumped, Hinata must have warned them about the back attack, but I still smiled. The ball barreled easily through their arms and struck the court behind them with a thunderous crash. As the echo faded away I saw the entire group turn to me with shock written on their faces. Already smiling, the attention combined with my elation forced unbridled laughter from my chest.
I barely heard Kindaichi. "Whaaaaaaaat?" He said. Then louder and more excited, words rushed from him. "How did you do that? We were so prepared! And you don't look that strong, no offense." Similar exclamations rang out from other players. My laughter died down as Hinata ran to me and twirled me around, gripping me with such emotional intensity. Guess me playing means a lot to him.
The coach let us take a small break at the middle of the court for an explanation. A wall of me circled me but I felt strangely comfortable. "Okay. I asked Oikawa-san to set the ball much higher than usual because for this attack you hit the ball as it falls instead of at its peak." I looked at Oikawa with a smile before continuing. "It's much harder to hit because, as you all know, the ball slows down at its apex before it begins to fall. That's why we're always taught to hit the ball at that moment but if you wait for it to fall it gains velocity. You curve your hand for heavy topspin and when you hit it the velocity and topspin make the force extremely powerful."
Coach Irihata grunted. "As you said, when the ball comes down the rate of successful hits goes down too. It'll be hard to get the timing right, even harder to hit as the ball picks up speed."
"Iwaizumi could do it. Maybe Kindaichi as well." The two boys looked at me proudly. "And if someone like me can do it, the others could with practice." The rest of the attackers beamed at me as I said this. Somehow, even though I had spiked and served successfully, the back attack had lifted me up in the eyes of the team. They looked at me differently now and I knew that I wouldn't be able to go back to cleaning the gym in solitude. I was on their radar now and I wouldn't be able to slip away as I had before.
"I'll try it next then." Hajikun said, looking at Oikawa who nodded in acknowledgement. That would give our team at least two opportunities to do it when the rotation started over.
Hinata and I spoke with the attackers explaining the timing and approach. Watari headed over to the setters. I'd seen him practicing tosses before but I didn't know if he had the skill to get the ball at the proper height. If he did he would be an insanely dangerous weapon.
The first sent went to my team though it was not easily won. I had seen each player in practice before but found myself surprised at their flexibility and talent. If I had seen them in a true match maybe I would have been more prepared. Yahaba in particular seemed eager to learn and adapt which I attributed to the frightening abilities of his senpai. The second set, to my delight, went to Hinata's team with an imperfect attempt at the back attack performed by Kindaichi. He hadn't quite gotten down the top spin and the ball bounced off, rather than through, the blockers hands.
At match point on the final set I was ragged. It seemed that biking to school every day had not been enough to keep me in shape for that much activity. I was comforted by the look of the boys, however, who seemed to be exerting much of their energy as well but they had already been practicing before the match began. The game had grown more intense after each point and the desire to win hung in the atmosphere.
I took my position at the center of the net. We had cycled around to where we'd started with Oikawa on the left and Hajikun on the right. It was our serve and we were facing their strongest attacking lineup: Hinata, Kindaichi, and Yahaba. Time felt slower when the whistle blew and Heisuke's serve was over the net. Watari passed to Yahaba, Yahaba's toss went up and I bolted to the left toward my brother who had victory in his eyes. I was going too fast and when I jumped my body pushed into Oikawa. So warm.
Our eyes met in the air and I felt the force of the spike I had stopped watching hit my left hand before the ball bounced back down behind Hinata. I landed holding my left hand up in surprised and found Oikawa doing the same with his right. We were so close we blocked it together. Hollering from our side called my attention and the boys were running to us. I felt a few hard pats on my back and the win finally dawned on me.
"Yeah!" I screamed, drawing out the word.
"I had no idea-"
"You've been hiding this entire time!"
"It's insane that you don't play."
The exclamations were coming from all sides as the teams came together to congratulate each other. Hinata rested his hand on the top of my head. "You can read me too well." He said it with deep joy and I could see that his eyes were wet. I looked away quickly to avoid crying myself but I took his hand from my head and held it tightly.
"Oh!" I gasped when the realization struck me. I turned to HInata. "You have to clean up!" His smiled faltered and then turned into a good-natured scowl. I hugged him quickly and ran to quickly rinse away the sweat and change.
I returned to the gym with my bags and my school uniform on. With nothing to wear underneath my track suit but my underwear I felt more comfortable changing completely. My hair was still damp though not enough to wet my clothes and when he saw me Coach Irihata called everyone to him.
"Let's thank the Nakahara siblings for the match and for the instruction." His voice commanded and I felt humbled and gratified to have been included in the thanks. The team thanked us in unison and bowed respectfully.
Overcome, I returned the movement. "Thank you very much for letting me play! I know my brother is the one you were looking forward to and I want to express my deep gratitude to you all." I stood straight again but kept my eyes down. The day had been an emotional one and I didn't think I could keep it all in for much longer.
After a few more words the coach let us disperse. Hinata went back to cleaning and I walked quickly out of the gym to wait for him outside. I didn't want to talk to anyone again until I had time to process everything. The setting sun was a comfort and the peacefulness of the empty courtyard helped center me.
I sat down on a bench still lit by a last ray of sunlight and closed my eyes. I had played volleyball. True volleyball, not just practice drills. During the game I hadn't thought about anything but what was happening in that moment and after it all had ended I couldn't help but feel that for all the happiness I felt I would experience twice as much pain. The dread of when it would hit was unbearable. I hated it. Always, even if my actions didn't bring flashbacks or depression, the fear that they still might come soured any happiness I felt. I lived in fear of doing anything that I might enjoy so it wouldn't be ruined by my screwed up brain. I was programmed now to keep myself very unhappy it seemed and even medication hadn't seemed to help.
"Just do it already." I groaned to myself, willing the pain to hit so that I could deal with it.
"Do what?" My eyes snapped open and Oikawa Tooru stood in front of me. It looked like he had showered too. The sun glowed brightly on every wet spot. Highlights of sunlight, I mused.
"Nothing you want to know about." I replied honestly with what I hoped wasn't too sad of a smile.
"Mind if I sit?" I sighed and gestured to the open space next to me.
"Don't you usually head out with Iwaizumi?" I couldn't help but ask, wondering why he was there, next to me.
He laughed brightly. "I do. Iwa-chan is being very noble and helping the losers clean." His eyes reflected his laughter and I knew it was real. :I think he's done it to harass your brother. He seems quite taken with him."
This time my smile, I was sure, reflected my fondness. "I'm sure he won't be the last. Hinata has a way of making people want to be around him." I looked away from him and closed my eyes once again, hinting that I would like to be left alone. We could share a bench in silence.
"It's a long story."
"Give me the highlights." I opened my eyes fully, surprised at his sense of entitlement.
My eyebrows raised. "People don't usually say 'no' to you, do they?"
"Iwa-chan says no to me all the time." He countered quickly. Maybe he had been asked that before. In the silence that hung between us I could tell he was actually interested and that made me nervous. If he was interested then he might start to ask around for answers himself. I could tell him just enough to satisfy his curiosity.
"I did play. I suffered an injury just before high school." I recited the line my family had learned to tell the many people who asked similar questions. Using the word 'injury' for what happened to me seemed silly but it was a word that people accepted. Apparently, though, Oikawa was not one of them.
"An injury, huh? You seemed to play just fine today." I tried not to smile. Smartass.
"I'm good at hiding my pain." Another honest reply. I was very good at hiding my pain. It only helped that it wasn't bodily.
"Alright. So, what's your problem with me?"
The sudden change in topic caught me off guard and I opened my mouth but my mind was blank. A broad smile stretched across his face like he'd won something.
"I-I don't have a problem with you." I cursed myself for my hesitancy. Even an idiot would be able to hear the lie in my voice.
"Try again." He said seeming very pleased with himself and I couldn't even find it in myself to be irritated. The tete-a-tete was somehow entertaining.
"Are you sure you'd like to know?" I asked, regaining my self control.
"Oh, I'm pretty sure." He turned toward me and leaned on the arm he rested on the back of the bench.
I turned toward him as well. This was what he did, I realized. He pulled people in. I was almost disgusted to realize that I was no different than any other girl, or boy, at our school.
"I've watched you a lot since we started here. Putting yourself in the background gives you a good view of the main characters." I paused to see if he would make a smug remark but he stayed silent. "The first time I saw you was in the gym and it was fantastic. You were real and raw and talented. I thought I wouldn't be interested in volleyball after my brothers left for Uni but seeing you play made me question that. Then I saw you, the fake you, and how you interacted with the people outside of the team and it was so disappointing. I don't understand you. You're already amazing but you still scrutinize and manipulate the people around you just because you can. Especially the girls. How many have you actually wanted to spend time with? My guess is very few and yet you still smile at them the way they want you to and it keeps them falling all over you. Even around your teammates you occasionally put on those same airs and they deal with it because they respect you. And you're well respected as an athlete but outside of that you don't give anyone the chance to know you enough to be respected as a person. You have an empty following that you can operate how you want like you're the ruler of-" My hands smacked my skin as they desperately covered my mouth.
I was breathing heavily from speaking nonstop and my heart was beating too fast. 'WHAT is wrong with me? Why did I say all of that?' The words were true to how I felt but there was no reason to actually tell him. No reason to be so honest. I could have said anything and yet I had uncontrollably spewed out every opinion I had. My hands were shaking as I lowered them to issue an apology.
"Ruler of what?" He spoke before I could say anything.
"What?"
"You said I acted like I was the ruler of something and then you stopped. Ruler of what?" His face was unsettling. It was void of any emotion, fake or real. His eyes were so intense that my heart felt like it was going to stop beating.
I thought about my answer, unsure of what it really was. My words were running out of me faster than my brain could track and I was still playing catch up. What had I been about to say? The ruler of his fangirls? Of volleyball? Of the entire school? I winced when I realized what I had been building to. My mouth opened and I wondered why I was still sitting there, about to lay the final blow to an already unnecessary monologue.
"Everything."
Behind him the rest of the team and Hinata were exiting the gym. I grabbed my bags, gripping them with more force than necessary, and stood.
"I'm so sorry."
And then I fled like a coward hoping that Oikawa wasn't the type of person to be affected by the cruel words I had used against him. All of the derogatory things I had thought about him had been exposed and I felt something worse than guilt. It was self-loathing. 'Maybe this is what happens when you're unbelievably mean to someone for no reason.' I realized how hypocritical I was for tallying every fault of his when I myself had countless more. Judging someone privately never feels cold-hearted until your judgments are made known. Then you realize just how low you've sunk.
I could feel it then. The final straw was being laid onto my back and I could feel myself breaking. The events of the day played before my eyes under the lense of the anxiety that was building. Fire. Pain. Volleyball. All culminating to the bitter realization of my heartless suppositions of other people. As I neared Hinata and Hajikun discussing having dinner at our house on Sunday night. Their voices sounded off as if they were being filtered through water.
"Himari, what do you think, does Sund-whoa. Hey, what's wrong?" I shook my head. Not right now. Not here.
"We should be getting to the bus stop." Either the expression on my face or the number of people around caused him to drop the subject but I didn't miss the look he shared with Hajikun. I tried to remember to act normally.
"We'd love to have you over on Sunday." The smile I gave felt mask-like on my face and I tried to turn to leave.
"Hey, Nakahara-chan! You were amazing!" Yamada had just exited the gym and was yelling as he locked the doors. He walked toward us and Hajikun hesitantly left us to join his waiting friend. I glanced nervously over to them and instantly looked away. Oikawa was staring at me with that same unreadable expression.
"Thanks, Yamada-kun." The lack of energy in my response was apparent but Yamada didn't seem to hear.
"I couldn't believe it. Well, I could, I mean because you're awesome anyway when you're not playing volleyball." His face turned red instantly and I felt that he was dangerously close to confessing something to me. I can't deal with this too.
"Thank you! I appreciate that. Sorry for not cleaning up today. Well, Hinata and I have to catch the bus home okay? I'll see you after the holidays!" My voice was too bright, too rushed. It was higher than usual as I slowly started to feel claustrophobic.
I grasped the back of Hinata's shirt and he put an arm around me. He and Yamada spoke a few more words to each other that I didn't hear. Blood was pulsing in my ears and I felt myself being steered to the gates of the school. Thoughts were rapidly filtering through my brain, leaving before I could focus on any of them. My eyes took in my surroundings but could make no connections as the next thought cycled through. The only thing I could understand was that each memory and idea that blasted through me built on top of my panic.
"Breath." Hinata spoke low and comforting.
I did as he said and suddenly felt the pain in my chest from the pain of holding my breath. 'This is it. The bad feelings that come after happiness.' It was like a switch that turned off all the light, letting the pain sneak in through the darkness. A hand tightly gripping my shoulder kept them at the periphery of my conscious thoughts, snarling and snapping at my sanity. Like seeing a disaster coming for you with no way to escape.
"Do you have your medication with you?" He whispered to me.
I blinked and looked around. Vague recollection prickled in me but I didn't have the focus to understand where we were. We stopped walking and Hinata stepped in front of me and held my upper arms tight.
"Himari I need you to focus. Where is your anxiety medication?" His eyes looked so green.
"I-" my eyes started darting around but soon found his face again. 'He wants me to focus.' "I can't. I-" It felt as if the words had literally stuck in my throat. My eyes were in such pain and suddenly my vision blurred with tears.
"Shh. Mari, it's okay. You can do this. Just tell me yes or no. Is your anxiety medication with you?" He was brushing water from my cheeks. The image of the pill bottle flashed before me and I nodded.
"Okay."
His hands moved to gently remove my book bag from my shoulder, pushing my hands aside. Time passed and I had tried to figure out where we were again but my vision was still clouded with tears. My hand was pulled open and only then did I realize that I had tightened them both into fists. He wrapped my fingers around a pill and mechanically I brought it to my mouth. A water bottle was placed in my hand next and I swallowed the medication with the water. It was cool and refreshing but did nothing to clear the fuzziness of my mind.
Minutes passed, or longer, my sense of time had been shot as my brain was frantically trying to focus on one thing at a time. It was like my thoughts were television channels and the remote was going haywire. As soon as one station registered it would switch to another. The sounds and images in my memories were mottled together and without the prompting of Hinata to keep me moving I was stuck in place. My brain was so full it had no ability to send out instruction to the rest of me.
All at once coherent thoughts started up again. 'Who was I talking to? Where am I going?' I looked around and recognized the bus stop closest to the school. The orange light of the setting sun had almost faded completely and my surroundings looked confusing in the shadows. I' didn't know it was this late.' Looking around once more I saw the figure in front of me and was momentarily startled. 'Oh, Hinata!' He was looking at me gravely. His face looked tight, like it had been stuck that way for too long and his body was rigid. I felt the disappointment dawn on me as my body tried to shake off the fog.
"I dissociated?" I asked, although it wasn't really a question I needed answered. His mouth turned down at the corners and I sighed. A soft breeze caught the wetness on my cheeks and I shivered from the sudden chill. I closed my eyes and wiped my face feeling the dull ache in my temples from a stress headache. They always followed an especially difficult bout of anxiety. I opened my jaw a few times to try and loosen the muscles that were clenching together. 'Don't push it, just let everything come back naturally.' I had to remind myself that the time lapse I had experienced would be explained as the memories were finally stored in my brain.
Click. I had been feeling the onset of a panic attack as we left the school.
Click. We arrived at the bus stop.
Click. Hinata helped me take my medication.
Everything that had happened that I hadn't been able to focus on now caught up with me. We had been at the bus stop since the start of my dissociation. After I had taken my medication Hinata had continued to try and communicate with me. I winced when I remembered the desperation in his voice. Two busses had come and gone, the passengers eyeing us warily but too polite to stare outright. It had been at least thirty minutes since we arrived and I nearly cried again on the realization that my brother had remained worried and pained the entire time.
"I'm so sorry." I mumbled through my hands. I had moved to cover my face to avoid seeing the strain on his a second longer. His arms wrapped around me and he rested his chin on my head.
"No, Mari, I'm sorry." And I knew he was apologizing, as he had so many times, for what happened over three years ago. There were no more words left in me so I continued to lean into him for comfort as we waited for the next bus.
