DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This story is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.


Chapter 14

It's as if I'm Scared

It had been an emotional night. I was afraid my parents were going to be on high alert after we discussed what happened at school but mercifully they remained fairly calm. The dams that had burst hours before allowed me to keep a clear mind during the conversation, impressing upon them my ability to recognize and take care of the situation. Though my mother's watchful eye was ever on me I received no other signal of their worry. It felt good to be trusted. 'Maybe next they'll let you have a candle in your room.'

I smiled to myself as I finished breakfast and looked at the time. It was still a little early but I moved to leave anyway, thinking of taking the long way to allow myself more time to determine my course of action, if any, with Oikawa. As I passed through the house I caught my image in the hall mirror. Pulling this way and that at my uniform I knew that I was fussing more than usual over my appearance. Clearly, I was nervous.

The reflection of my eyes caught me and my nerves held me there in a trance. I thought of nothing, the world blurring out everything but my eyes, feeling only the clear growth of my emotions on the thin agar my body could provide. In my glazed visual fugue I didn't notice when my hands reached towards my immaculately braided hair and worried through it, undoing all the hard work.

Realizing what I'd done too late I cursed. I definitely didn't have time to do it again before I needed to leave. I would have to leave it down. On thinking that I stepped away from the mirror. If I looked at in any longer my subconscious would just hammer down what little self-esteem I had. Outside I pulled my bike, lovingly moved from the ground to the side of the house by my mother, and checked that my bag was strapped securely around my torso before heading out. My thoughts drifted back to Oikawa.

My belly tightened in response and despite what happened the previous day I felt a giddy smile force itself onto my face. I liked someone and I was starting to understand how truly extraordinary that felt. The mere idea of seeing him in the gym at practice or in the hallways sent waves of excitement through me. I was too happy to linger on his words or actions when he left the bathroom. I was finally letting myself enjoy something.

Although I was thrilled at my newly discovered self acceptance I couldn't avoid the anxiety. It remained attached to my happiness like a shadow, ever present. It kept asking me if I was going to approach Oikawa and what I would say if I did. It reminded me that I had no idea how to style my hair and that leaving it down was a mistake. It told me that I'd better not sweat too much on the ride to school. Even though each of those clung to me they would not shake the joy I felt. 'I'm finally letting myself enjoy something.'

The ride passed quickly as energized as I was and I hopped off my bike, leading it too the racks to chain it up. My phone vibrated in my jacket pocket and I ignored it. Aoi-chan had been ruthless last night, messaging me to no end until I finally responded. I knew she would be waiting for me at the school entrance and I scrunched my nose, preparing myself for a high-pitched lecture from her.

With a deep breath I rounded the corner and promptly ran into someone. I let out a gasp as I fell but sure hands found my arms and steadied me. Looking up to apologize I gasped again, rather, I tried but the air in my lungs had disappeared.

Oikawa Tooru was holding my arms with clear concern in his expression.

"I'm sorry, I was waiting for you at the gate but I started to get worried that you weren't coming. I was going to check on you at your house."

"Oikawa…"

I was still stunned. The tightness in my stomach intensified as I took in the feeling of his fingers on my arms. His face, his punishingly gorgeous face, was just a foot away from mine. The silence stretched and with something akin to guilt he finally released me and stepped back. I still hadn't thought of anything to say but apparently he was more prepared than I.

"I know what I did yesterday was...well, horrible. But please, listen to what I have to say. I begged Aoi-chan for hours to be the first one to greet you today."

I couldn't have denied him even if I wanted to. I was captivated by the sincerity in his voice.

"What I said wasn't meant to hurt you. I was so self-absorbed I didn't realize my words would be taken so negatively. I thought ending our friendship was what was best for you. I was trying to protect you."

Closing my eyes for a moment I took in his words. The wrapped warmly around me, comforting and soft, and when I felt I was strong enough I looked up at him again.

"But a mutual friend of ours used many abusive words to tell me I made the wrong choice. I shouldn't have tried to take everything into my own hands and I am so, so sorry Naka-chan. If you can trust me, and if you want to, I would like nothing more than to keep being friends with you."

In an act of bravery or insanity I closed the distance between us and locked my arms tightly around him, letting my head lean against him. I felt his arms return the gesture and in that moment I swore I was weightless. The rise and fall of his chest kept me there longer than I should have.

"Thank you." I said softly as I pulled away.

As we faced each other again I was taken aback by the image before me. Oikawa's eyes were wide and on his cheeks were the very distinct marks of a blush. ' Why is he blushing?'. I increased the distance between us and looked away, my cheeks responding in kind.

"We should get to class."

I was given wordless agreement and we both headed inside, our bodies brushing together occasionally as we walked. It felt as though something had changed between us. My overt show of affection was uncharacteristic but it might have brought us closer. 'As friends,' my brain clarified. As if I didn't know the man beside me was out of my league.

We stopped in front of my classroom and Oikawa held the door open for me. A smile formed on his lips as he gestured inside. My cheeks were warm again and I hoped it wasn't as noticeable as it felt. When I passed him he leaned down.

"See you later."

The whisper left shivers cascading down my body and I turned around. The door was already closing and Oikawa had gone. I brought my hand up to cover the cheek-splitting grin and walked to my seat.


Oikawa-kun

"I'm bored"

I smiled down at my phone, grateful that we were working alone at our desks. Glancing at the teacher I took a risk and responded.

Naka-chan 3

"Pay attention! You'll get yourself in trouble if you get caught texting."

Oikawa-kun

"Look who's talking"

Naka-chan 3

"We're working at our desks right now"

Oikawa-kun

"Well then so am I"

Naka-chan 3

"Liar"

Oikawa-kun

"Alright, I'm not, but I'm soooo boooooorrrreeeeeedddddd"

Biting my lip I turned my phone over in my lap. I couldn't let him distract me. The English paper in front of me was half finished. As I began writing I felt the buzz in my lap of another message. I pursed my lips to prevent a smile from forming and continued my work. After another paragraph I felt more vibrations. 'I'm almost done with the essay, I have time to take a quick peek.'

Oikawa-kun

'I'm still paying attention. I promise ;)

Oikawa-kun

"... You're not going to text me back are you?"

Oikawa-kun

"Naaas kkkkkjaa aaa-ccccchghhaaaaaaannnn"

Oikawa-kun

"I"

Oikawa-kun

"Will"

Oikawa-kun

"Just"

Oikawa-kun

"Keep"

Oikawa-kun

"Messaging"

Oikawa-kun

"You"

Naka-chan 3

"OIKAWA!"

Oikawa-kun

"Oh HI Naka-chan, you know you really shouldn't be texting during class."

Naka-chan 3

"You're so annoying."

Oikawa-kun

"T^T Don't be so mean! Besides, it's what makes me lovable."

My cheeks were, had to be, bright red. His joke had hit the mark, or rather, one of the marks. Despite the mildly annoying nature of his personality I found it overall to be one of the things I liked about him. But I really had to focus on my paper. I thought about ways to end the conversation that might catch him off guard. 'I wonder how he'll react if I…'

My body lit on fire and I quickly typed in the message before I could change my mind

Naka-chan 3

"You're right, it is."

Naka-chan 3

"I'm turning my phone off now. PAY ATTENTION! See you at lunch, hopefully."

As soon as they were sent I shut off my phone and continued with my paper. The color of my cheeks didn't fade until well passed finishing time. I found myself glancing at the blank screen of my phone as a new lesson began, feeling foolish but unable to stop. After a few minutes I shoved it back in my bag, determined to forget the entire experience.


Iwa-chan was most certainly going to kill him. At the very least maim him but he couldn't help himself. When Naka-chan pressed her body into his after his plea he felt the last of his self control snap. He was too into her and he could no longer stand to resist, determined to attempt to win her favor in return. There was a large possibility of failure due to her history with rejecting confessions.

But she had wrapped her arms around him like he was the only man in the planet and he couldn't ignore that feeling. He had never felt that way before, never thought he would need to feel that way again. Her attentions were addictive.

Maybe that was the reason he'd thrown caution to the wind that morning, whispering in her ear in the deeper voice he thought she enjoyed. She was so unlike any other girl he had liked however that he was unsure of how she would react. He walked away without looking, choosing to believe his words had the desired effect.

Since their first meeting he couldn't stop thinking about her and therein lied the problem. He could almost count down to the minute the time he spent thinking of certain things throughout the day. First and foremost had always been volleyball followed by varying intensities of school and family and friends.

Naka-chan had turned that routine on end. She was now an invasive presence in every rumination he had. Thoughts of volleyball would be forever changed since the training camp, wrapped up and bundled tightly with her. His friendships with even those who didn't know her brought forward every moment he had spent with her. Anything important, unimportant, neutral was interrupted by her.

The decision to pursue her despite the misgivings of Iwa-chan actually brought him relief. If by some miracle she would be interested in someone such as he there might be hope for his concentration. Having her affection would sate the hungriest part of him and would finally let him return some energy to the things he previously cared about. If she didn't return his feelings he would move on, hopefully, and return to his life as it had been before her abrupt introduction.

Oikawa's phone buzzed and he looked at it immediately, careless about whether he would be seen or not and almost felt regret. The physical reaction he had to her last two messages was severe. His stomach tightened so quickly with excitement that he nearly thought it would send up his breakfast. 'If this is how it truly feels to like someone I wonder how anyone survives.'

Stunningly, he could not think of a clever or flirtatious response and instead opted for simple honesty.

Oikawa-kun

I'm looking forward to it.


When we were released for lunch I nervously turned to Hajikun who returned my questioning glance with a warm smile. It told me nothing. 'Is he eating lunch in here or not?' The students filtered out yet he and I remained seated. Butterflies swarmed my stomach.

He was outside the classroom surrounded by girls and the same thought hit me. Would he join us for lunch? He was smiling with his head slightly tilted and bright a hand up to the back of his head. That was a favorite pose amongst his fans. But when he opened his eyes they were hard as steel. His smile remained as he spoke.

"I'm going to have lunch with some friends of mine. I'm sure you know my routine. But, I'm troubled, you see, because a few people don't seem to want to accept that."

Everyone was frozen, captivated and intimidated by his tone.

"Understand that those who hurt my friends make an enemy of me."

His last words hung in the air and he left them in silence, entering my classroom without another glance. My mouth was agape with surprise, admiration, and deep, deep affection. He sat down in his usual spot as I rearranged my expression. We locked eyes.

"My, Oikawa, that was scary." I had the pleasure of seeing hits reluctant smile.

"Was it? Oh no, should I go apologize?" He challenged, bringing my own grin forward.

"No, no, the damage is done. How ever will you spend your time now that you've scared all your fans away?"

I had all but forgotten we were not alone when Hajikun spoke.

"What's going on here?" The blatant curiosity in his voice was accompanied by worry.

"Iwa-kun, shut up." Aoi whispered, irritated.

Oikawa responded like there hadn't been a break in our conversation

"I'm sure I'll figure something out. Do you have any suggestions?" He leaned forward and rested his head lazily on one hand.

"I've been running every Sunday since Hinata visited," my voice became more breathy as my pulse rose from the tension in my nerves, "you could join me on my next one.

"Seriously, what is happening here?" Hajikun's voice was resoundingly opposed to the way the conversation had headed.

"Seriously, Iwa-kun, shut up!"

I could hear Aoi-chan's desperation as she chastised Hajikun. The wheels in her head were probably rotating rapidly, connecting each behavior I had exhibited over the past months. It was glaringly obvious from the abundant glee present on her face that she had guessed correctly that the person I had intimated to her that I liked was Oikawa.

Conversely, I knew that Hajikun was more than a little uncomfortable. Our relationship was not one cast in the typical mold of friendship. While he and I were close as siblings could ever be there came moments where the lines of our friendship became unclear.

Just how protective could he be in a situation like this? I'd never shown any interest in men before. How much could he object without crossing the line?

I tried to he cognizant of him but the way Oikawa was looking at me made everything other than him fade to gray. Only he stood out, saturating my vision with the brightness of his being. The rich brown color of his eyes could make anyone feel unsteady. I was glad to be seated.

"How can I say no to seeing you so early in the day?"

My skin prickled with pleasure and fear. I wanted to spend time with him, with only him, despite the stubborn apprehension I felt. The learned behavior my body reacted with in regards to men was proving to be deeply rooted in me. More weeding was necessary.

"Is five too early for you?"

It was absolutely too early for me but I was already counting down the minutes until our meeting. Waiting the extra hour for my usual morning run time was just unacceptable.

"Five is exactly right." His response stroked my confidence.

We stared at each other; I, content with my bold invitation, and he content for his own reasons. Whatever they were I was exceptionally glad that our goals intersected at at least one juncture.

"Have you two finished pretending we don't exist?"

I turned, slightly ashamed, to a surly Hajikun with an apology on my lips but I was beaten.

"For now."

Oikawa's words were followed by a yelp as Hajikun pinched his ear and yanked his head to the side.

"Ow! OUCH!" Oikawa pushed his chair back and held his abused ear with both hands.

My eyes met with the person I was closest to out of anyone I had ever known and my heart stung. The usual, aloof distance on his face was replaced by such concern that I reached out to touch his arm. I could feel the tension in his muscles even through his school blazer.

Oikawa's eyes flickered toward the movement and his expression sobered before repositioning himself at the desk but my eyes remained on Hajikun. The awkwardness of the situation settled on my shoulders. Shame broiled within me as I took fool realization of my overt flirting.

I had been caught up in the high of Oikawa flirting back but I was beginning to feel regret. It was usual for him to respond with that sort of mannerism in kind. He could never maintain his fanbase otherwise. I couldn't meet their eyes as I addressed them.

"Jeez you guys, you're acting like something weird happened."

A quiet squeal emitted from Aoi-chan. I turned to her with warning in my expression. She was bouncing in her seat with a poorly hidden smile.

"Mari!"

She drew my name out, a continuation of the squealing before that foreshadowed a myriad of expressions and statements.

"You're still doing it. Quit it."

I could tell she wasn't planning on heading my words, at least not for long. My hand moved across Hajikun's arm to soothe as I spoke again.

"I'm allowed to have friends other than you two. Like either of you would come with me anyway. Hajikun, you can't be bothered before seven and Aoi, you don't even run.

"Oikawa-kun is literally my only option if I don't want to run alone. So, again, quit it."

With that I gave Hajikun's arm a light pat and prepared to eat my lunch, determined to avoid any more conversation about what had transpired. Each of them slowly mirrored my movements though I could tell the situation was far from resolved.

My timing was always inappropriately off. Why, why, why? Have some self control. You could have brought that up at literally any other time. At practice for instance. Idiot!"

We ate in silence before, incredibly, my thoughts drifted to watching Oikawa playing volleyball. He had been getting more intense as the Inter Highs approached. Practices had become absolutely brutal and downright thrilling to view.

It was rare for me to see official matches and if I was in attendance it was only to clean the gym. I had never had the time to really watch Oikawa when he was fighting for a win. With the passing days I find myself becoming more and more wrapped up in his performance

His determination and drive and complete control powered his team and me attraction. I couldn't help watching him and thinking that he was made for if. To lead, to compete, to play volleyball. But, was that an accurate assessment or was I simply too deeply under the influence of my feelings?

Looking up at the object of my thoughts I found he was looking at me as well. There was something new in the state that excited me and simultaneously multiplied my impatience for the coming weekend. In the periphery I saw Aoi-chan giving me a knowing look and I turned away from Oikawa at once.

"Aoi-chan, did I tell you Hinata and Haru are visiting next weekend?"

While she was distracted, as I'd hoped, her expression was one I had not anticipated. All humor had dissipated and an embarrassed blush grew on her cheeks.

"Is that so?"

There was false brevity in her voice as it rose higher than usual. My misdirection was more successful than I could have hoped and I ran with it.

"Yep! They'll be coming in next Friday pretty early. Enough time for them to bring us lunch even."

The idea of that brought a smile to my face. Haru hadn't been home in quite some time and I suspected the sudden gap in his schedule had something to do with Hinata. As she and I made light conversation I noticed the uneasy silence between the boys. The gap separating them seemed miles wide and not even the minutes ticking away could lessen it.

'I don't know what's going on with them but I hope they fix it soon…'

Lunch passed in that fashion. Aoi-chan and I provided the bulk of the conversation and interacted with each of them separately. By the time lunch ended I decided to find some time to pull Hajikun aside and weasel information out of him. I'd never seen he and Oikawa like that and I couldn't shake the feeling that I was somehow the cause.


A/N:

HELLO! I'M BACK FROM MY AMAZING TRIP AND I THINK I FOUND A JOB. I also hope I wasn't too distracted that the chapter suffered. Maybe I'll put my tumblr url in the next chapter so everyone can see all the goodies I got. BAI