A/N:

PTSD is a real sonofabitch. It produces a whole slew of other mental illnesses like anxiety and depression. For this chapter some may be wondering if the yo-yoing of emotion really happens the way I'm describing it and all I can say is that for me it absolutely does. It never goes away. It's always there. No matter what situation you're in or how happy you are there will always be something that brings you back. That's where the word 'trigger' comes from. It's a word that not just tumblr users use, but psychologists, psychotherapists, neurologists, and more.

Going forward there will be more difficult chapters, though not anything to the extent of chapter 5. Also, if you're interested, notes after the chapter will contain my opinion of the Netflix Original 13 Reasons Why

uchiha-yaku-chan - I love it too, I listen to it often. Fun fact - I grew up in the same area Jimmy Eat World started in. ;)

Inedible - You are fantastic and I am so amazingly grateful that you BINGE read them whaaaaattttttt! That's seriously my favorite compliment. Also, it's so hard for me to write sometimes because I'm fangirling as things are happening. And I am so glad Naka-chan is relatable. It was my ultimate goal for the character in order for people to have a personal investment in the story.

Liltorgy - I try my best to use everything I can find that's canon and bring it into the story. Everything you see so far in regards to the characters backgrounds, likes/dislikes, etc, has been heavily researched. It's very time consuming but obviously worth it from your comments! And thank you for thanking me. It's easier to tell a similar story through fiction than it is to tell my real story but the feelings are still there. Every emotion is real. I'm extremely happy to hear that you've been effected so deeply and that you have drive to help. There are always ways to do that. No matter what you're doing, school, work, other (?), you can look for advocacy groups or even work to create your own. It would require a little research, a lot maybe depending on the area, but I can say that if anyone had put any effort toward helping me I could have begun the healing process much sooner. On a lighter note, I squealed like a lil baby piggy when you said you were up until 6am! AH. I'm too emotional. I'm gonna cry.

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.


Chapter 15

Relax, Take it Easy

Friday evening's practice was rough at best. Oikawa had expected as much after his friend's reaction during lunch but he had hoped to at least come to some sort of middle ground. Iwa-chan hadn't so much as looked at him the entire day. He followed instructions and moved with instinct on the court but nothing more and while they usually ended the day simultaneously in front of their club room lockers, Iwaizumi had left before Oikawa could see him go.

It wasn't as if Oikawa didn't feel bad. His closest childhood friend had made one simple request of him and he willfully disregarded it, though not with impertinence. It was not from lack of respect and certainly not without expressing a colossal amount of willpower he didn't know he had. Indeed it was from his own selfishness that he gave in, and the giving in was so bittersweet.

There were few things he had ever sought after. His first girlfriend, to be sure. A few, minor material items when he was younger. His friendship with Iwa-chan. Most of all, volleyball. It was as if there were checkmarks next to each of his desires. He could see each achievement marked off as they passed and yet volleyball remained unblemished. Was it because the goal was ever evolving with each benchmark he had passed?

Best setter in the prefecture didn't matter when he couldn't win against Shiratorizawa. It seemed that he would never be satisfied until he bested Ushijima Wakatoshi on the court. It was consuming, suffocating. No one tried harder than he did to change the outcome and yet every time it was never enough. Maybe there would never be a checkmark next to volleyball. Maybe he was destined to remain as he was, forever seeking, never reaching. But something he never knew he needed was now within reach.

Nakahara Himari.

His brain was full of her and he had tried very hard not to pay attention although time got the better of him. It had been so long since he'd felt close to attaining something. He had been left stagnant for years with no foreseeable end and then she was there, shoving a volleyball into his chest and challenging him.

Oikawa smiled as he tied his shoes. She had taken away some of the intensity of his stress. Her presence in his life was like a balm for each part of him that was worked into the ground from his obsession with volleyball. It was something he had never experienced and after feeling it so acutely he couldn't leave their relationship as it was, not even for Iwaizumi. His smile faded and he quietly shut the door as he stepped into the morning light.

The day had been slow to arrive. After walking home by himself after practice he had no distractions to keep his focus away from his Sunday morning run with Naka-chan. Every call and message to Iwa-chan had been met with silence, leaving his fingers twitching over Naka's phone number. He felt the desire to vent his frustrations and concerns, a role that Iwaizumi had previously taken, and now that he was being ignored Oikawa found that the next person he wanted to share with was her.

There was a flutter in his chest that he coughed away and he set out at a light pace. Though slow, Sunday morning finally made its appearance and he had been up early, waiting for his clock to hit four thirty. It was an early time but he was glad when she suggested it. The earlier they started the more time they would have. Not that he was going to attempt to hang out with her all day. He was excited to see her, but not desperate. 'Of course not.' His thoughts were mocking him.

It was good to leave so early as it gave him more time to think over the possible outcomes from the day. He had every intention of treading lightly out of respect for her and Iwa-chan. There was nothing about her even remotely similar to his usual selection of interested partners which was both fantastic and unsettling. Her differences made him feel that he had an actual connection with her, something he had never enjoyed with previous girlfriends, but left him with nothing to stand on in regards to furthering their relationship.

She was an amalgamation of good feelings and he didn't want to tarnish her by treating her similarly to the girls of his past. 'Easier said than done' he mused, thinking back to Friday's practice. He had been lucky, that day her task was to maintain the gym during practice. Keeping the floor dirt-free and polished and wiping away the sweat that threatened injury if they weren't careful. Her close proximity had made it difficult to focus. She was attractive and moved with such fluidity, a product of her innate athleticism, that he found himself distracted often. Even if that hadn't been difficult to bear the glances that she sent his way would have dismantled his focus in an instant.

He found himself thinking of the few times they had made physical contact with each other. A hug here and there, their hands brushing together, their bodies colliding during a volleyball match. It was impossible to stop himself from thinking of ways to touch her again, though he felt guilty doing so. Grimly, he thought on her reactions to those touches. Oikawa was an analytical person, childish behavior aside, and her mannerisms and responses to certain things made it clear that she was uncomfortable with intimacy. At least physical intimacy, though he didn't know why.

That was why he was so set on handling the situation carefully. He may not have been able to stop his mind from wandering, but he could prevent himself from putting her in situations she would find unpleasant. It was important to him that she felt comfortable around him regardless of what their relationship was or ended up being. If it became clear that she wanted nothing more than friendship he would just have to find a way to endure it, but to never try to make it something greater, deeper, was not something he could do.

He would try. He would be the part of himself he reserved for those closest to him rather than the part that the rest of the world saw. He would do that and if she still didn't want him it would be fine. It would be fine because just knowing her added something extra to his life that he found too enjoyable to dismiss regardless of how she felt. She was a friend and a good one, one that he intended to keep.

Rounding the corner he caught sight of her house and slowed his pace to a walk. It was nearly four forty-five. He couldn't help the grin that spread on his face.


I pushed my head farther into my pillow and let out three very quick breaths to ready myself. Awake and dressed since four twenty I had spent the remainder of my time pacing anxiously. My eyesight was temporarily mottled with black spots when I finally opened my eyes to the ceiling above. I had been closing them so tight, too wound up from the nerves. I checked the clock obsessively again.

4:43 AM

It was about time to leave. I lurched my body forward to sit on my bed and my face soured at the uneasiness in my belly. 'Why did I invite him again?' I had to be an idiot. I thought of his face when I asked him and smiled in spite of myself. 'A brilliant idiot.'

My hair was pulled up into a high ponytail because I could never wear it down while running. Though sweating brought a certain pride within me I couldn't stand the way my hair stuck to my damp skin. It made something wonderful feel gross, though my hair was so long that the tip of my ponytail still stuck to the back of my neck occasionally. My hands worried through the ends of my hair and I tried not to look in the mirror.

I wore my best running clothes. The shorts that fit me best, the bra that held me best, the loose shirt that gave the wind easy access to my overheated body near the end of a run. I was sort of dismayed that I had put so much effort into my appearance just because Oikawa was joining me for a run but I couldn't have fun feeling giddy about it than I couldn't really enjoy myself. I gave myself a pass.

At the door I tied my shoes slowly, wanting to buy myself more time before I left. We had agreed to meet at a point equidistant from our houses. A random corner crammed between a few housing buildings. I took a breath and opened the door, ready to clear my mind and relax on the way but the image waiting for me made my heart race faster than before.

"Oikawa!"

He was leaning on the gate separating my house from the sidewalk looking glorious. As he turned his hair caught the light and I felt like crying. Crying because the smile he gifted me was too cruel a sight so early in the morning. Because how on earth was I supposed to stand tall next to a man who looked like that? Because there was no way anything would ever happen between us. Because the buzzing throughout my body was vehemently defiant of that fact.

I had to refrain from tugging at my clothes nervously as I took in the rest of his appearance. He wasn't wearing the school gym clothes I was accustomed to seeing him in. Instead he wore a simple, white v-neck and dark grey running shorts. The thin cotton of his shirt left little up to imagination. 'Really, that's borderline obscene' I tried to humor myself to prevent the slow blush I felt forming but the way it flowed simply and effortlessly over each muscle was unfair. No person could look at him without feeling some sort of way.

"Naka-chan!" He drew out the honorific as he opened the gate for me.

"What are you doing here? We were supposed to meet...Did you run here? You're going to overwork your knee!"

Too many thoughts passed through my head and I knew I sounded ridiculous as my words tumbled fast out of my mouth.

"It's cute that you worry but I only jogged here. Your house is quite close to mine, did you know that?"

"How would I know that? I've never been to your house."

His mouth opened and closed like a fish and I had to wonder what he stopped himself from saying.

"So?" I managed to make a single word a question but he looked at me blankly. "What are you doing here? We planned to meet somewhere so you wouldn't have to double back on the way to the cafe."

He scrunched his face up in an innocent, childlike expression of innocence.

"I was up early and just started walking. Why, aren't you glad I'm here?"

"Hardly. I'm already regretting inviting you."

"You've been hanging out with Iwa-chan too much." He pouted.

I rolled my eyes and started to stretch. After looking at me for a moment Oikawa followed suit. Knowing him he'd already warmed up his muscles before he left his house and I appreciated his patience while warmed up mine. We stayed quiet, focusing on the task, occasionally glancing awkwardly at each other before averting our gaze quickly.

"Uhm." My quiet murmur was embarrassing but Oikawa made up for it.

"Ready to go?"

I nodded, flush-faced and biting my lip. Running with my brother had been alright, and running by myself had been stress free. Running with someone as athletic as Oikawa was all but terrifying.

"Just turn when I turn and we'll make it to the cafe. Stick with me." He grinned.

"Wait, before we go," I interjected as I pulled out my headphones and plugged them into the running case wrapped around my arm, "I know I'm not as fit as you so if I tap you once it means 'slow down' and if I tap twice it means 'stop'."

I used the back of my hand to illustrate my words, knocking my knuckles against his bicep, comforted that this casual gesture didn't send shockwaves of fear and uneasiness through me. For some reason it had been easy with him; the actual touch itself, not the building up to it. Getting the courage to close the distance between us and connect physically was so difficult that I'd learned to try not to think about it at all. Thinking, in my case, with my brain, always lead to over-thinking. There were no exceptions.

"You could just say those things." He suggested.

I paused, my hands frozen near my left ear where I had just put an earbud in.

"You're not going to listen to music?"

He shrugged.

"I don't usually bring my phone when I'm running."

It was so casual. It never occurred to me that people might feel comfortable enough to leave home without such a lifeline. Images of my phone clattering to a locker room floor flashed before me and I pressed my lips together, tightening my stomach preemptively against any nausea that might have come. After a few quick breaths I tried to remember how I should respond to the person before me. 'It's Oikawa Tooru. I'm going on a run to a cafe. I'm not there. I'm here.'

"Do you mind that I have mine? I usually listen to something."

My words trailed off near the end as I realized how counterintuitive that was. I liked listening to music because it let me think and focus on something other than the fatigue and breathlessness of the run. Had I really become so naive again? If the music blocked out surrounding noise how would I ever hear my attacker?

My face must have shown the horror that dawned upon me when I realized that I had automatically assumed that I would be targeted again because Oikawa tried to reassure me.

"Hey, what are you so worried for? Of course you can listen to music!"

But his smile looked more forced than it usually was around me and I knew that I ruined the mood.

"Let's just head out."

My voice was as thin and tired as it had been the first time we had talked on the bench outside the gym. I averted my gaze but I could still feel him watching me as I selected the music I wanted. When he realized I wasn't going to address it he gestured to the path in front of us. I nodded and we began at a slow pace, gradually speeding up to a comfortable running pace.

The sinking feeling in my chest stayed like when you take too large a drink and it hurts right near your heart. I tried not to focus too much on Oikawa in my peripheral vision, scared that it would send me into a spiral, and let the music fill my mind.


'It's getting hard to breathe.'

It was disappointing, we hadn't been running for nearly as long as I usually did but I was declining. I could see Oikawa looking at me, probably wondering when I would ask to slow down or stop but I didn't want to give in. I was stronger than that.

As previously foreseen the ends of my hair had begun sticking to the sweat on my neck and back making me feel hot. It felt too humid for my body to cool itself off and my body temperature kept rising. I felt no fatigue, no sign that I was pushing myself too far but my breathing was as ragged as it would have been at the end of my run. The pressure in my chest from before hadn't dissipated and I had to wonder if my mental lashings against myself were the cause.

My thoughts became misty as my ears suddenly picked up on the song that was playing. It was 'The Middle', the song we were discussing in our English class. I'd listened to it a hundred times preparing for assignments and tutoring but I was surprised that it remained on my current playlist. I'd only heard it through the analytical lense, the studying lense, and yet it had unexpectedly drawn me out of my introspection.

I listened to the words with no intention of deciphering. I'd already deconstructed the lyrics over many hours, I knew what it was about. But without the forced perspective of a student completing an assignment I felt something different when listening. The words, heard a hundred times over, had suddenly blossomed within my lungs. Each word was a new bud, bursting into a flower and releasing such feelings of validation I was surprised that my legs were still working.

I was overflowing suddenly. 'Everything will be just fine.' The floral implant within my chest did not hinder my breathing. 'Everything will be alright.' It paradoxically made it easier to breathe, pushing away the previous, sinking darkness and making way for the light. The flowers, I found, were of course not actual flowers but forceful bursts of laughter pushing out of me. The song, fast and alt-rock, had become something so therapeutic that I felt genuine relief and happiness. The weight of my self-loathing lessened with each word and even if the feeling would be short lived, for, inevitably the bad would come around, the freedom of emotion it gave me was euphoric.

A smile formed on my face that I tried to contain but the flowers poured out anyway. Constant laughter, happy and light, flowed from me and I couldn't stop even when Oikawa's surprised face looked directly at me. Soon, though, a smile broke through his expression as well and we were both laughing with each other. Tears formed in my eyes, building up against the lower lashes until they cascaded out at the corners. I reached out and grabbed Oikawa's arm to both steady myself and slow us down.

We gradually came to a stop and let the laughter settle. I pulled the headphones from my ears and wiped the remaining tears from my eyes. Looking up at him I saw his radiant grin and I hoped i mirrored at least a fraction of it. As we stared at each other I saw his appearance shift slightly, just barely in the eyes. While I wondered what he was thinking I saw his cheeks redden.

'Again!'

It was the second time I saw Oikawa Tooru blush.

"You have good timing."

Apparently whatever he was feeling or thinking wasn't enough to leave him unbalanced.

"Do I?"

"Mhm. The cafe is just around the corner."

He promptly took my hand that I realized had not left his arm and pulled me behind him without a single hesitation. The situation in my chest was much worse than it had been on the run. Not only had my lungs stopped working, but my heart as well. I could do nothing but stare down at our hands and feel the utter warmth and contentment that cloaked me.

The feeling was cut abruptly short when we reached the door to the cafe. He casually let go of my hand and opened the door for me and, blessedly my feet took me forward even as my brain was still catching up. 'When did we get here?' The clerk behind the counter waved a greeting and Oikawa held up two fingers, receiving a nod in return. Still in recovery I was unable to edit the words in my head before I spoke.

"You sure come here often, don't you?"

I bit my lip and looked up at him but he just grinned at me.

"Of course I do."

He led me to a table near the the only window in the shop. We were lucky to come so early; the view at the table was beautiful in the pink-golden light of the early morning. I stared outside for a time before coming back to the present where sounds of Oikawa placing our order on the table chastised me.

"You shouldn't have let me immerse myself in my own thoughts! Why did you pay for mine?"

Everything he was doing made me warm with embarrassment when all I wanted to do was cool off. My cheeks were probably ruddy and my hair matted with sweat and oil. I didn't want to think about it too much, all I could do was be grateful that the milk tea he'd ordered was cold.

"Don't mind it. You can think of it as a gift for inviting me along this morning."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Inviting you for a run constitutes gift giving?"

"Well, yes. It's the first time you've asked me to hang out without the others."

His honesty was bewildering and difficult to believe but it still filled my chest with those same, happy flowers I experienced earlier.

"You're weird."

"Sure I am."

We sat in silence then, looking out the window and enjoying our tea and toast. It was amazing how quickly my nerves came and went when I was with him. He brought out a lot in me that I was amazed at like my own honesty. Sliding my gaze over I took in his profile and thought further about what I wanted from our friendship.

I liked him and I wasn't sure if he liked me, that much I had already worked through, but what would happen if he didn't share the same feelings? Or, possibly worse, if he did? How would I navigate that sort of relationship without anything draw from? I hadn't prepared myself for anything farther than attempting to strengthen our friendship.

Oikawa looked at me.

"Are you ready?"

I blinked a few times, my brow furrowed in question. Looking down I realized the tea was gone, as was the toast. I had been twisting a napkin as I thought and, looking at it's state of decomposition, I had been thinking for a while. I let out a nervous giggle.

"Uh, yes. Yes, I'm ready."

We gathered our trash and left the cafe. The sky opened up even more, blues and whites of the sky overtaking the warmth of the sunrise. I didn't bother to put my headphones back in as we began our journey back.

"Oikawa-kun." I tapped his arm twice.

We were both panting as we came to a stop. Instead of going back the way we came we had taken a loop to increase the distance, a choice that I was regretting. The man next to me breathed heavily through his nose, his lips in a thin line and I knew we had gone to far for his knee.

"Your knee-"

"It's fine."

"No, it's not."

He was looking down at me angrily but I was unconcerned with how he felt at that moment. I'd seen my brothers try to push their way past injuries of their own. Luckily, my parents had been on them constantly to monitor them for overexertion. He was going to ruin his career if he didn't learn a little patience.

"This is your neighborhood, right?"

The subject change caught him off-guard and his anger lifted.

"Yeah."

"Let's go to that tree, the one we stopped at last time. I'd like to see it again."

"The cherry blossoms have all gone."

"That's okay."

My reasoning had nothing to do with the tree and everything to do with Oikawa taking a break. His brow arched, possibly wondering what I was hiding, but he consented anyway, leading me through the streets.

I saw the tree as we rounded a corner and, though he had been right about the blossoms, I recognized it all the same. It had been the place I had broken my vow to avoid Oikawa at all costs. I couldn't help but grin. 'And look at you now.'

Slowing to a stop I mustered the same authority I had the last time we were there together.

"Sit."

I could see the intrigue on his face through the discomfort, or pain, he was feeling. He sat in the same spot he had before and I kneeled down next to him. My hands went for his knee brace.

"You don't have to-"

His hands reached for mine but I was already pulling the brace down as I had before.

"And yet I am." I replied.

I set the brace aside and lifted his leg onto the bench before lying down next to him under the shade of the tree. It was comforting to call the action familiar. Oikawa let out a sigh before leaning back to meet the ground. Our arms touched and I felt the flowers blooming. I closed my eyes to enjoy the moment. It seemed an odd picture, juxtaposed with my past. The last time was alone and on my back with a member of the opposite sex had been terrifying, humiliating.

The sound of movement in the grass caught my attention and I turned to him. The way he was looking at me was so wholly different than anyone had ever given me and I felt nothing but tranquility in that moment. He moved again, his forearm flush with mine.

"Can I hold your hand?"

I couldn't tell if the sound I heard then was my own happy sigh or the breeze that tickled my skin.

"You didn't ask before."

For the third time I saw his face flush and I finally let myself believe that I was the one responsible. His hand covered mine slowly, giving me time to turn my palm to his and as our fingers laced together I felt a shift in my whole world. Emotionally, there was no going back. My entire life would be forever changed by that moment. The moment I decided to trust someone with my feelings. And it felt good.


A/N:

This whole story was sort of validated for me even more recently. I have been boosted by the comments and favorite and follows, it keeps me going (for real) but seeing the portrayal of things that I have written about in the show 13 Reasons Why has been oddly comforting. I never read the book, didn't even know it was one, but watching the show was almost addicting.

As a survivor of sexual assault in many forms I was warned to be careful or even to avoid watching the show. Ultimately, only you can make those decisions for yourself and I chose to watch it. It was absolutely terribly good because how can what they're talking about not be terrible but the fact that it's being shown for the horror that it is is good. I think, as I've said before, that the only way to show people that you've been through, what many people have been through, is to make it so real it's uncomfortable. Talking about it should never be easy. It should always, always be one of the hardest things to talk about.

Having prepared myself beforehand and generally being in a better state of mind nowadays I was able to watch the show without giving me too many flashbacks. But I was prepared for those. Just as anyone with a similar history would have to be prepared to do when listening to another person share their story. I don't think that's a detriment. Every time you talk about it, it loses it's power just a little bit more.

It will always be there. It will never leave. You will see it in the way you act, think, see, feel. But eventually, it won't have power over you. Some people may not get how that can work; something that stays with you but doesn't control you. It's about the response to the trauma. If I remain fearful of revictimization I risk any young person I interact with to become a victim themselves. I can be conscious about my 'triggers' and do my best to react how I want to, and now how my trauma wants me to.

Anyway, I've ranted too long. It's too late for this. More good stuff to come in the next chapters...before I take it all away! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA