A/N: ERMAGAH I totally messed up the timeline. So, I'm going back to correct it in previous chaps but for current readers here is where I messed up:

I said the date the girls threatened Himari was May 30th when it should have been May 24th. That makes Himari and Tooru's date hangout May 27th and the next Sunday, June 3rd is the second day of the interhigh prelims.
This chapter is a continuation of the last one that takes place on May 27th.

ALSO, if you'd like to know the reason behind the significant delay of this chapter other than the difficulty of writing dialogue you can read the note below.

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.


Chapter 16

The Longing's the Same

"Hows your knee?"

We had been lying under the shade of the large tree for an unknown amount of time and, though I revelled in what appeared to be a mutual expression of our feelings for each other, I began to feel uncomfortable. Was he still holding my hand because I hadn't let go or was he really content to lie down with our fingers intertwined? Was he holding my hand because he thought that's what I wanted? How was anyone sure in a situation like that?

So, from the turmoil of my mind came the same question that broke the tranquility of the moment.

"It's fine."

His response was soft and low like a person surrendering to the enticing lull of sleep. I turned to him and found that his eyes were closed. Biting my lip did not prevent the giddy smile that spread across my face and to my mortification in the same moment his eyelids fluttered open. His eyes focused on me. I could see them begin at my own eyes, effectively paralyzing me with their intensity. They trailed downward and lit upon my silly grin. I felt the warmth in my cheeks and upon my blush his expression mirrored mine.

On no particular cue we sat up together. 'I don't want to let go of his hand.' I immediately looked down at our interlocked fingers for the first time and my heart beat rapidly at the sight. His skin was a shade darker than mine allowing me to follow the outline of his hand against mine perfectly. I could see the tendons, the knuckles, the smooth turns as his fingers curled downward and was once again struck with how unbelievably unfair it was that even his hands should be attractive.

Suddenly, the hand was gone.

When I looked up I saw Oikawa shimmying the brace back up his leg. He stood, righted his clothes and brushed the stubborn grass from himself while I focused on settling the dull ache that still hadn't left my chest from before. The hand that Oikawa had freed drifted toward the spot.

"Naka-chan?"

My body froze all movement and I stared up at him. His arm was stretching toward me, hand open and waiting. For one glorious moment I indulged in the gesture and how our relationship had changed so quickly. He pulled me up and linked our fingers again, making a vague gesture with his free hand down the street.

"Would you like to come to my house?"

Panic.

Panic flooded through me. From my fear of men, of going to an unfamiliar place with a man, of how a large part of me really wanted to go, from what he meant by asking me, from the fear of what to even do if I went. What did normal people do when they went to the house of the person they liked? I felt sick and weak but an unprecedented steadiness began to ground me. The hand in mine had increased its pressure ever so slightly, just enough to keep me from passing the point of no return, and just in time. I hadn't thought to bring my anxiety medication.

My sight refocused and I could see an assuring, calming smile.

"My brother and nephew are visiting this morning and he's been asking questions about you."

"What?"

Everything about what he said was confusing. I hadn't even known he had any siblings, let alone nieces or nephews. My main focus though was that somehow his nephew knew about me.

"My nephew," he tugged at my hand and we began to walk as he explained, "He's very interested in you."

"Why would he be?"

"Because I've, uh, mentioned you once or twice."

Sharp gratification struck me hard and knocked me fully back into the present.

"Just once or twice?" Implication was think in my voice.

"My life is very full Naka-chan, I don't spend all my time talking about you."

"But you do spend time talking about me."

"Of course I do. "

Whether his intention or not, his words quieted me. I tried to imagine what he could possibly say to his family about me other than my role as janitor for the gym he practices in. I couldn't. Every description of myself was so lacking in comparison to the person Oikawa was that it would be pitiful to even try. But his hand was still in mine.

Before I could look at him again and admire his profile for the umpteenth time that day Oikawa slowed considerably. He stepped in front of me so we could face each other.

"There's a lot I don't know about you, but that's okay. If you're not comfortable going to my house I'm not going to ignore that."

My breath was pushed out of my lungs with a surprised hiccup. I'd become more comfortable with him than I'd realized, forgetting just how sophisticated his observational skills were. Instinctively my hand attempted to withdraw from his but his hand followed mine, never holding tighter, never pulling me back. He simply followed until my hand had unwittingly pulled him a hairsbreadth away.

Without hesitation Oikawa's arms moved. I felt him pull our hands to his chest, pressing my palm to the fabric of his shirt. His other arm wrapped around me and held tight but didn't pull me closer. I thought I would feel trapped, forced into submission, but the feeling of serene calm emanating from him transferred to me.

"Whatever you're thinking you can always tell me. I want to listen."

'Oh my…'

The words pierced straight through the coils of protective detachment that I'd erected around my heart. They gave such comfort that, had my instincts taken over, I would have fled in fear. It was more foreign to me than English. Perhaps it was because he didn't know about my past that my anxieties were alleviated.

For some reason his concern for me felt more meaningful than the concern of my family and close friends. He wasn't worried because of my past, he simply cared about me; the person I was in the present. I wasn't a victim to him, I was just me.

A smile broke on my face and I relaxed into his embrace. The cotton felt soft on my cheek and I closed my eyes as I responded.

"Thank you."

It felt weak compared to the words he spoke and the feeling they forged within me but I hoped he could hear my gratitude.

"Tooru!"

He was called loudly, the name drawn out, and we sprung apart in alarm. We turned to look toward the voice and found a young boy. I was unsure of his age but he couldn't have been more than a first year middle school student. He stood on the stoop of the house we had stopped in front of, leaving the door wide open, his face full of childish entitlement. It was clear he wanted attention. I looked between him and Oikawa.

When the surprise faded Oikawa scowled petulantly, a expression perfectly complementing that of the child.

"Don't be so rude Takeru! Can't you see we're having a moment?"

The initial shock faded and a blush covered me from neck to forehead. The boy seemed unperturbed at Oikawa's chastisement.

"Dad said you would be home ages ago. I've been waiting to practice."

His voice carried the weight of an older kid. 'Probably from dealing with Oikawa so much.' I noticed Oikawa's expression change.

"How long have you been waiting?"

"I guess not too long. I'm not so irritated anymore. By the way, I'm Oikawa Takeru."

He addressed me with a watered down copy of the look I knew Oikawa had when he was assessing a person for the first time. It was difficult to hold back a smile.

"My name is Nakahara Himari. Pleased to meet you, Oikawa-kun."

His face scrunched up.

"That's weird. That's what you call him right?" He jabbed a finger toward Oikawa. "Call me something else."

His demand irked me in an entertaining sort of way.

"Do you have a nickname?"

"Not really." His head shook resolutely.

I thought for a moment and smiled brightly.

"Alright. Then I'll give you one. I'll call you Takekawa!"

I received precisely the reaction I wanted when Oikawa burst out laughing and Takeru blushed, averting his gaze. He mumbled some sort of assent and retreated indoors, shutting the door quietly behind him.

"That was so mean Naka-chan."

"What? How was that mean? Should I apologize to him?"

I looked up at Oikawa and saw the signature pout on his face.

"Not to him, to me! I've known you much longer and you still haven't called me any sort of nickname."

It was my turn to laugh then. It was a mystery as to why his childish mannerisms endeared him to me so.

"That's because I'm thinking up a really good one."

The joke was meant to placate and, though he knew that, he still seemed excited by the idea of being called something new. We stood in comfortable silence and I was beginning to think that it was something that would happen often.

"So, do you want to come inside?"

The universe must have decided that my breath hadn't been taken away quite enough by the man in front of me because the look on his face did so once again. I'd never seen him so uncertain. The slight knit to his eyebrows and quiet question were enough to make anyone want to say 'yes' but it was his eyes that could make hearts break. They were alive with unedited emotion; uncertainty, discomfort in his unmasking, and innocent enthusiasm.

I answered honestly.

"Yes."

The reward of his smile and all its emanating brilliance was confirmation that I'd made the best choice.


Oikawa stepped alone into the kitchen. Like a good host he had offered to get Naka-chan a beverage. He could hear her still, her bright voice interacting with his brother and nephew. He pulled out several options, unsure of what she'd like and turned to head back. At the doorway, he could more clearly hear their voices and he couldn't help but stop, his curiosity besting him.

"…That's what Tooru says at volleyball practice."

He heard Takeru speaking matter-of-factly.

"Does he now? When does he help you practice?"

Naka-chan sounded like she was smiling. Oikawa smiled too.

"He helps all of us. On Monday's he comes to help coach at Lil Tykes Volleyball Class. Sometimes he comes other days if he's free."

There was silence then. Oikawa hoped she was still smiling; perhaps the way that softened her eyes. She smiled like that so rarely.

"That's something I did not know."

'Her voice is so…lovely.'

"And do you like when your uncle comes to coach you?"

Her tone made his chest tighten and swell all at once. He felt near bursting with his affection for her. How long had it been since someone had taken such a genuine interest in his life? Since someone had thought of him as just him?

"Yeah. But don't ever tell him that!"

He held a snicker. They continued talking and Oikawa realized that his brother had remained silent in his absence. He stepped into the room.

"Drinks for everyone! See how kind I am?"

Instead of rolling her eyes as she normally would, a mannerism he swore she adapted from Iwa-chan, she smiled. He averted his gaze to avoid blushing in front of his family and set the drinks down on the table. Takeru snatched up the bottle of green tea and walked away but stopped. After a moment of consideration, he turned to Naka-chan.

"Did you want the green tea?" He was blushing enough for himself and Oikawa.

"No, Takekawa, I'll have the milk tea."

She was already fairly affectionate toward him which pleased Oikawa immensely. He tossed the can of coffee to his brother who caught it without taking his eyes off Naka-chan. Protective, Oikawa was about to draw his attention.

"Oikawa-san, what do you think of your little brother helping to coach your son?"

He recognized the intent in her voice. It was the same when they had first met each other; challenging and slightly goading. She had not missed his unwavering gaze. His brother leaned forward.

"I was concerned, at first, because I wondered if his silliness would create a disorganized atmosphere."

His voice was flat as he spoke.

"And now?"

"Now I am no longer concerned."

As always, his brother hesitated in giving him praise. He appreciated that in some ways, the idea that he should always strive to be greater came from that hesitation. At the moment he felt a desire to hear his brother praise him unconditionally, just this once, in front of Naka-chan.

"Has anyone ever told you how similar you are to your brother?"

Had he not been just as surprised he could have enjoyed seeing the shock on his brothers face before he carefully collected himself.

"Not that I know of."

"Maybe not to your face, it's hard to miss. You're both very unwilling to admit any admirable traits in another. Your compliments sound like insults. I thought it was just because this one was emotionally stunted."

She reached out to tug the sleeve of Oikawa's shirt.

"Now, I see it must be a family trait."

It felt very surreal, the silence after her remarks. Eager light filtered in through the window, getting stronger as the sun rose. The dustmotes seemed to still in the beacon of light that split the room in two.

His conflicting feelings extended the moment, experiencing both the fearful awe of upsetting his older brother and the sweet ache of pride as Naka-chan held her own.

What felt like such a long time was cut abruptly by a bright peel of laughter. Takeru was grinning at his father when they all turned to him.

"She totally got you dad! Mom says that to you all the time!"

Naka smiled warmly at him, humor in her eyes. It took only a few seconds more for his father's expression to break under the pure happiness of his son.

"She does indeed."

And as the atmosphere in the room seemed a little lighter with the sound of their chuckles, Oikawa noticed his brother's posture relax just slightly. If he'd been appraising her he must have come to a promising decision, though it would have made no difference to Oikawa if the outcome had been different. Relaxing more himself he looked back to Naka-chan.

"I'm not quite sure, but I think I'm offended."

His voice held all the makings of hurt and offense with none of the emotion. She leaned over the pillow in her lap, secured between her arms, toward him.

"Don't you worry your pretty little head. Too much thinking will give you a headache."

He wouldn't smile. He would not.

"Ah, how could I feel insulted when you've finally admitted my marvelous good looks?"

"Looks fade. What will you have when you're old and wrinkled?"

"I'll die before I get wrinkles."

His words were matter-of-fact, his face in a slight pout.

"So dramatic. What do you think, Takekawa, could your uncle make a living doing theater?"

"I don't think anyone would want to work with him." His nose scrunched up as he spoke.

"Takeru! That's no way to talk of your amazing Uncle!"

Oikawa's objection was met with an over the top rolling of eyes around the room; one after the other like a chain reaction. There was nothing but bliss from then on. Conversation was carried mostly by three quarters of the room, his brother sitting out for the most part but that was nothing new. The delight came from the easy addition of Naka-chan to such a normal day for him. It was seamless. Natural.

He took a step deeper onto the path leading him closer and closer to the point of no return. Straight to her.


The Oikawa home was tastefully minimalistic and easy to navigate. I'd taken the opportunity when his older brother stepped out for a bit to relieve myself in the bathroom and, most importantly, assess my appearance. There were large sections of stray hair, stiff from the salt in my sweat. My face was still too flushed from the run leaving unflattering red spots all over.

Frantically, I took my hair down and leaned over, shaking my fingers through my hair to give it some volume. When I tossed my head back up I smoothed the more wild sections as best I could, then splashed cold water on my face to help my complexion. 'Well, that was useless.' My efforts made barely any difference.

'He still held your hand.'

It was true. As I was, Oikawa still held hands with me all the way to his house. He introduced me to two important family members. I caught my reflection and saw a smile, raising my overall appearance up ever so slightly. It really did feel good to take this chance. To hope for the best and enjoy it while it lasted.

I slipped my house shoes back on as I left the bathroom, closing the door softly behind me when I noticed natural light peeking through the gap left by an open door. In the sliver I could see dozens of white lines painted on a swirling background of deep blues and purples with an occasional hint of brighter colors.

Without fully committing to the decision I opened the door a little wider, once again leaving my house shoes in the hall. The faraway image I saw was a poor comparison to the mural up close. I could see then that the mural was painted onto doors rather than just a wall.

It started in the front left corner of the room, winding up the paper doors and getting larger. It expanded on the ceiling for a few feet before fading back into the natural white of the rest of the room.I could see so many shades of just black, deepening here and transitioning to midnight blue there. Different tints of purple and blue swirled around what looked to be constellation's connected by those bright white lines. Splashes of turquoise and pink and orange curved throughout in a breathtaking artistic retelling of the known universe. It looked like a section of the room had been torn away to reveal the space outside our world.

I reached out to touch it.

"Excuse me, miss. Touching the art is strictly prohibited."

After a shout of surprise I laughed. My hand had recoiled like lightning, resting on my chest as I caught my breath. Oikawa leaned on the doorframe, arms crossed and face in mock reprimand. I could see the humor in his eyes.

"Is this your room?"

I was dazzled by the mural but as I asked the question I looked around the rest of the room. Compared to the mural it seemed very toned-down but I could see small touches that kept the aesthetic from being completely out of place.

On the same wall was his dresser, a sharp black color, and beside it was a lamp whose shade transitioned from deep blue to vibrant purple. There were quite a few bookshelves with cubed sections full of so many different books. A few cubes were left open to display items. A smaller version of the turquoise Seijoh banner had been folded tightly and arranged on a simple wooden book stand. In another cube there was a lamp in the shape of a sphere made to look like the moon.

A closer look at the books revealed many titles regarding space: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Cosmos, The Edge of Physics, The Accidental Universe, CatStronauts. Even his computer, which was in sleep mode, portrayed another image of the galaxy as if it was simply a mirror reflecting the other side of the room.

I turned back to him for his answer.

"Yeah, it's mine."

A rare show of uncertainty crossed his face as he saw me take in my surroundings.

"I bet starting and ending the day in this room is fantastic."

This time, when I turned around, I did touch the mural. I could feel the bumps and ridges of the layers of paint.

"You're the first girl to comment on it."

"Many girls in your room, Kawa-kun?" I asked archly.

"No!"

His cheeks burned pink and I laughed again.

"In any case, it's a shame they didn't have better taste."

I trailed my index finger across the wall as I walked farther into the room.

"You've never mentioned you were interested in this stuff." There was a question in my voice but I was giving him an out by not asking directly.

"I'm interested in this stuff."

He sounded almost breathless and I turned back to him. He stood awkwardly, no longer leaning on the doorframe. His arms hung near his sides as if unsure of what to do. 'Is he nervous? Is he worried about what I'll think?' The thought warmed me while also forming a small ball of something in my gut. I wanted to relieve his tension immediately.

"I'd like to hear about it sometime. I-"

I had begun to tell him about my love of the night sky when I realized it might seem odd with no context. But he had never pushed me for more than I could give when we spoke. He always put my comfort above his curiosity. I smiled.

"I've always felt at peace when I look out my window at night. My room fills with moonlight and everything turns shades of blue and silver. It's beautiful. I've never learned anything about the stars despite that, though."

It felt foolish as I said it outloud but regardless of my embarrassment Oikawa was smiling back at me. He walked past me and pulled a book of the shelf and handed it to me.

"Cosmos." It was the cover of a book I'd just seen.

"'We are star stuff which has taken destiny into its own hands.' A quote from the book. After you read this, if you want, I can show you some of the constellations I know."

Oikawa's face was full of delight. It felt like I had just broached some sort of inner circle surrounding him that no one had been able to, or wanted to, step into before. Looking at his reaction I had the sad feeling that it was the latter.

"I would really like that."

He was too close. The book in my hands was just an inch away from his chest. My head was tilted back so I could meet his eyes and suddenly it felt too hot. Looking into his eyes for so long in such close proximity made me dizzy. I stepped away.

"I can see where Hajikun got his ammunition for his 'abduction' joke."

My words succeeded in deflating the atmosphere.

"You're never going to forget that, are you?" His whine made me laugh.

"Where is that infamous alien shirt anyway?" I walked to the dresser. "Hidden away to avoid further embarrassment?"

"Yes, if you must know!" His indignancy was stupidly charming.

I was about to respond, enjoying the return of our usual banter after so many awkward moments when my phone vibrated. I pulled it out of my armband and saw the timer I'd set to remind me about the meeting that afternoon. I sighed.

"I've got to go." I held the book close to my chest as I sent him an apologetic glance.

I led myself into the hallway and back to the sitting room where Takeru was lounging. He looked like he was reading a volleyball magazine; lying flat on his back with the book held at arm's length above him. 'So cute!' His presence had me melancholy. 'I was once as innocent as him.'

"Takekawa! I'm leaving." My sudden voice shook him.

"Hey, lady, you can't just go around scaring young kids!" He stuck his tongue out in a very Oikawa-like fashion and I couldn't stop the giggle.

The both saw me to the door and, though Oikawa offered to walk me home I was adamant that he stay with Takeru. I pulled the young boy into a hug leaving his face bright red. His mumbled goodbye was lost on my ears and he ran back into the sitting room. Oikawa's laughter was the loudest it had been that day. He opened the door for me and rested his forearm against it, his lean form resting casually. I felt dizzy again and I turned to leave.

Quickly, before I lost my nerve, I turned back and threw my arms around his waist, hugging him as well.

"I want to see that alien shirt."

I departed before he responded walking faster than usual. My hand was covering my mouth which was open to accommodate the giddy scream that stuck in my throat.


"So, how was your date?"

I rolled my eyes.

"It wasn't a date Hajikun. We just went for a run." He made a noise of disbelief, the equivalent of an eye roll.

"Right. Well, how was it?"

I took the time to look at him. We were walking side by side toward the meeting room and those were the first words he'd spoken on the ride over. His body faced straight ahead but I could see his eyes flicker toward me, turning away when I'd caught him looking. He looked tense; skin somehow tighter over his features showing the strain he was feeling underneath. It had never occurred to me that he would be so concerned. I grabbed his elbow and he stopped immediately.

"Hajikun, tell me what's wrong."

It was slightly tiring, all of the conflicting emotions that had erupted after my decision to follow through with what I wanted. The emotions within me, Aoi, Hajikun, Oikawa. I just wanted to be happy. I wanted my friends to be happy. But reality was always more complicated than simple human ideals.

Hajime looked at me hard.

"You chose Oikawa."

"What?" I was bewildered by his statement.

"After everything you've been through you chose Oikawa. You're smart and observant. You know his track record."

"Rumors are always inflated."

"Not by much."

I looked away. 'Why are you trying to hurt me?' I knew that wasn't his intent, but I still felt it. Of course I knew his 'track record' but I also knew that people weren't the sum of their history. Everyone went through changes, no one was ever the way they were the day before. He put a hand on my shoulder.

"I met you when you were still...hurting yourself. Being with Oikawa, let's just say it's a roller coaster that I don't want you to be on unless I know you can get off safely."

"Oh."

I felt like I'd returned to the earth after my morning of flying. His words tethered me, sobered me. It was true that I'd yet to put much thought into the future and that decision had been purposeful. I didn't want to worry myself out of my happiness. But maybe there were a few things to consider as I moved forward. For instance…

"Are you going to tell him?"

I was stunned, though I should have expected him to think along the same lines.

"Maybe."

"Maybe? Seriously, Mari?"

"I don't even know where this thing with Oikawa is going to go!" I threw up my hands, exasperated. "I'm not going to tell him unless I think it's going to be serious."

"It's already serious for you. I've never seen you like this."

It was true. I was already heavily invested in my feelings for Oikawa without expecting the same level of reciprocation.

"Maybe it is, but I've been thinking about this for weeks. I've had the time to look at everything. I may not know what I'm doing, but I know what I'm doing."

Relief hit me when he softened his features.

"You don't make sense. But I think I know what you mean." He reached out to ruffle my hair.

"Hey, HEY!"

The voice calling out to us might have been the speeding winds of a hurricane with the force it hit me with.

"Koutarou! And Keiji!" I ran to meet them.

"See how loved I am everywhere I go?" Koutarou shouted at no one in particular.

"I see how other people have inflated your ego."

I hugged both of them tightly, happy to see them both together. Koutarou looked good. There were no traces of the person I'd seen the previous month. He was again hand in hand with Keiji who looked relatively happy even when he sent sarcastic remarks to his partner.

"You look much better. I'm glad to see you both here."

"I just realized I'd rather have Keiji here than keep secrets from him." Keiji blushed.

"So, what brings you back so soon? You can wait to tell the group if you want."

"No, no, no! I want to tell you! My results last month were actually pretty great! We're just going to have to be back for monthly checkups until August."

"Oh! What a relief!" I squealed and hugged them all over again.

Koutarou leaned toward me and whispered.

"Last month I asked the doctor about," he wiggled his eyebrows, "bedroom stuff! He said it was totally fine as long as I was safe! I'm hoping he can convince Keiji."

There was no reality in which Koutarou, even at a whisper, could be any quieter than an alarm clock. Keiji flushed red and jerked his boyfriend toward the meeting room muttering something under his breath about 'not anyone's business,' and 'can't believe I like you'. I laughed with Hajime by my side.

'Does he feel it now? Does he see why I have to follow my feelings for Oikawa?' I didn't want him to worry but I knew that wouldn't be possible. I could only hope to think of some way to make him more at ease. I could say time and time again that I would be okay, no matter the outcome, but it wouldn't count for anything. I was out of my depth, but everyone was when they experienced new things. I needed to experience this, I wanted to. With Oikawa.

"Do you think so little of him that you think he'll hurt me?"

Hajikun turned to me quickly with surprise.

"No-"

"You're being too protective. You know him, you know me. Do you trust us?"

It looked like the words I used hurt him and I was not so confident in myself that I didn't feel guilt. I just wanted him to relax, to breathe lightly and continue as we had. It didn't mean we would ignore any signs of conflict or danger. But we had deep connections with each other, enough that we could carry each other through any hardship.

"Of course I do."

He put his hand on top of my head and gestured toward the meeting room, leading us both there with, I'd hoped, some peace of mind.


A/N:

Fun fact: 'giddy' means 'to be excited to the point of disorientation'

I've spent many days in the past few weeks in a dissociative state. It's scariest when I can feel it starting when I'm driving. I've learned tricks to keep myself present. They don't always work, in fact most of the time they fail

On writing this I have just experienced a particularly difficult episode of depersonalization. As I wrote for Naka-chan, it always starts in my hands. They tingle, deep, deep in the bones, and start to feel like they want to move in their own. Then my forearms.

Then, my vision gets weird. I can see things normally, sort of. I know that the window in my bedroom is there, unmoving, but my brain keeps trying to tell me it's swaying back and forth. Part of me is seeing reality and part of me is telling me something different. It makes me dizzy and nauseous. It's all hazy, like I'm separated from everything else, even the bed I lay on.

I had to grab something. When I work with my hands it starts to go away, so I wrote this. I'm in no state to keep drawing like I was before this all started, nor can I delve into author-mode. I can't focus that much yet. I just need to do this to get some sleep. When I'm sleep deprived it happens more often. Mostly I dissociate, sometimes I depersonalize. Depersonalization is worse for me. I hate it. It feels wrong to my core.

Anyway. I just took my first deep, calming breath in a while and I think now I can let my muscles relax. Hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep quickly before anything else happens.

Life like this is sometimes very hard. It's hard to find things that matter enough to keep you from going completely crazy. But I feel like, even if you don't have things to keep you grounded, the search for those things can be like an adventure. Thinking of it like that gives me a little more drive.

I hope you all are well. Much love.

AND: Don't kill me but I really want to start a story with Kuroo. I miss him and I love him almost as much as I love my Boikawa. I wouldn't stop this story. But I do want to know if anyone wants another angsty story with even more humor because, well, Kuroo :D