A/N:
OIKAY. Wow. It's been so fricken long. I've had quite a month and since I'm so transparent with everything in my life with the readers of this fic I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you why. I had a positive pregnancy test about a month ago but three days later I went to the ER with severe pain. They told me I was going to have what is called an 'inevitable miscarriage'. So, the day after I get that news I drive across like six states for a wedding. The entire week I'm worried that I'm gonna suddenly start bleeding all over everywhere but nothing happened. THEN! I tried to call my OB/GYN and they couldn't see me for weeks even though I told them what was going on, while my regular doctor doesn't have the capabilities to handle anything pregnancy related. My only two options were to go to the ER again and rack up thousands of dollars in medical bills (because wtf) or go to Planned Parenthood. I went to Planned Parenthood.
I was told that I was seven weeks pregnant which didn't add up because two weeks before that I was tested at around seven weeks. Sure sign that the pregnancy was not moving forward but my body wasn't getting with the program. I had to wait one more week to get in to see a doctor who would give me medicine to have what is called a 'medically assisted miscarriage' to force my body to do what it was supposed to. Cut to today where I'm finally feeling like myself physically and mentally and deciding that dammit, I need to post this chapter even though it's shorter than my others (by 200 or so words).
The advantage to doing nothing for two weeks is that I had a lot of time to figure out the next few chapters and how they're going to tie in to the BIG REVEAL! Thanks to you all who are reading and patient with me, and thanks to you guys who read the author's notes XD
DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.
Chapter 17
I'm Screaming for Help
The low buzz of excitement next to me was distracting in the best way. It seemed Koutarou had undergone a deep change. There was a part of his body moving at all times: fingers, a leg, shifting his hand within Keiji's. I thought he had been boisterous before but the man I saw now was incomparable to any previous meetings. The complete ecstasy written on his face and in his actions was infectious. It seemed to settle throughout the room, giving the meeting an atmosphere never before felt.
I was usually attentive during our support group meetings, remembering each person and their story, listening to the advice of the counselor, but the energy emanating from Koutarou was too exuberant to focus. I found myself thinking more about him and his relationship with Keiji than myself.
"'Last month I asked the doctor about bedroom stuff!'"
The words echoed inside of my brain, invading any other thought I attempted to use to distract myself. While during that moment I could only chuckle at his vain attempts at discretion, I now found it bewildering.
Koutarou and I had a similar history, although my attacker had been stopped during the act. My stomach lurched as I thought about living with the scar of the man finishing what he'd started. Glancing at Koutarou I saw nothing that could make anyone think he was once a victim. I knew better, of course, but it seemed like he was handling his past much better than I was.
He was now shouldering his trauma and the resulting medical fallout and yet he still brought such an aura of happiness wherever he went. I'd seen him vent his inner turmoil but I'd also see him live life, spitting in the face of his demons and relishing it. Even now, as he held on tightly to Keiji's hand, he was fighting his despair with his happiness.
The trick was how to let the happiness win.
I had, and would continue to forever, become livid when met with such dismissive phrases like, "Don't be so anxious," and "Just calm down," and "Why can't you just let yourself be happy?" It was such a simple, ignorant suggestion. As if you could just flip a switch and be better. It was never that easy.
What made it worse was that, while there was no such solution, there was indeed a part of you that you could indeed change. It was the willingness to let good things back into your life. If a survivor viewed the world through negativity their heart and soul could never truly heal. You had to open enough, just a small section, of your walls. You had to let the bad seep out to make room for the good. And that process was monumental.
Those simple suggestions would never get anywhere close to describing the struggle of 'letting yourself be happy'. When your mind worked against you it could take too many years to count to start trusting any part of it.
"'Last month I asked the doctor about bedroom stuff!'"
It seemed like Koutarou had finally done it. He thought of intimacy with desire. He wanted to take that step because he was so deeply in love. I was sure there were insecurities and nagging fears that still plagued him, but he'd somehow taken control. He was the bright noon sun held aloft directly above a wildflower patch, brightness condensing the shadows to their smallest forms.
'Will I ever feel like that? Will I ever want to write over my past with a new experience?'
I thought of Oikawa and how quickly my feelings for him were progressing. I had already surprised myself by wanting to be close to him, getting the sudden urge to reach out and touch him, to revel in holding his hand. In the pit of my stomach I felt a swirling mass of dread.
"Himari?"
I snapped to attention.
"Yes?" I watched the counselors eyes narrow.
"How are you doing today?"
"I-I'm doing just fine."
"Would you like to tell us what has you so distracted?" His question came from pure concern. I knew I was free to deny him an answer.
"I'm not sure." I answered honestly.
He smiled at me. I saw the circle of fellows around me looking at me with understanding expressions.
"If you'd like to talk, we're all-"
"I like someone!" He paused. Koutarou bounced in his seat next to me.
"I see. And how do you feel about liking someone?"
It wasn't a difficult answer.
"Scared."
Hajikun shifted his seat closer to me.
"I'll bet. What are you afraid of?"
I bit my lip and turned my eyes away from him. They met with Hajime and His hand came to rest on my shoulder.
"Everything. But also, nothing?" My words were met with a caring smile.
"Would you explain that?"
"Uhm. Well, when I realized what was happening, that I liked someone, I tried to avoid them. I felt like there was no part of me that would be worthy, because I'm...well, I'm me. I'm tainted. I was a glass of clear water before and now, after a few drops of black paint, I'm gray and murky. Like when you've erased too much and there's graphite just stuck to it and you go to erase something else but it just spreads all the previous stuff around.
"And then, something happened at school and I felt even worse. There were words spoken that validated those bad feelings and I was so desperate not to feel them. The day got so bad that I had to leave school. I don't know how- really, it's all foggy to me, I don't know how I managed to keep myself afloat.
"But, when I was alone I realized that I had the tools to help myself. I have knowledge about what I'm going through and because of that knowledge I'm in a better place than I would be without it. Still, I've only been thinking short term. I've been living my new emotions in a vacuum. I haven't thought about where they will lead or...or what they will lead to."
I hadn't really been seeing as I spoke. My gaze was cast at my hands as my fingers tangled into my hair that I'd pulled out in front of me. If there were a quiz on the words I'd said I would have failed.
"Himari, you're absolutely right. You've gotten yourself to a good place. You're aware of how your body and mind react. That's good. What's important going forward is that you be up front with this person you're interested in.
"Your friends and family know your triggers and have adjusted their interactions with you accordingly. This person does not. You don't have to share everything, I know that's a very big step, but going into a situation completely unaware would be unfair to them, and in turn, to you."
I nodded mechanically. Yes. Oikawa would need to know at least something if I wanted to continue seeing him. I felt Hajime's eyes on me. The counselor echoed his own words. I knew that was the fair thing to do. To give him an out if he wanted it, before anything got too serious. Rationally, it was the best choice of action. I opened my mouth to agree.
But pain ripped through me so quickly I had no time to register that I was sobbing until my head was pressed onto Hajikun's shoulder.
"I don't want to! I don't want him to know! I don't want him to see me that way, to look at me the way my parents do, the way my brothers do. I don't want him to know that I've had someone push themselves into me, or that I wished to die, or that I hurt myself because of it. I don't want him to see the burns!
"I don't want my past to make him feel bad for me. To make him hesitant to hold my hand or joke with me or flirt with me. If I see that look on his face I swear I'll-!"
The severity of my crying had choked me, suspending the words in my throat, making me light headed until I saw black spots. Until my lungs finally demanded air, wheezing in what it could passed the rawness in my throat. The still-sane voice in the back of my mind mused that I must be hurting Hajikun with how deep my fingers dug into him.
Another pair of arms had wrapped around me and I heard Koutarou's voice gently whispering in my ear. I couldn't understand the words but they were so soothing. I wished they knew, like Oikawa somehow had known, to brush their fingers through my hair. My shuddered breathing slowed and I could hear the din of the room as people left their seats. My fingers relaxed and I felt Hajikun's muscles relax slightly.
"I'm sorry." The words rasped out past my tired vocal chords.
"Shhh." I didn't know if it was Koutarou or Hajikun.
I opened my eyes to see our counselor crouched next to me, glasses off and looking so tired. It must have been difficult to keep a whole room of trauma survivors level headed with a group member breaking down. That itself could be a trigger for another person. It made me wonder how long I'd been there, one hand held tightly onto Hajukun's shoulder above my head, the other reaching across his body to grasp his arm.
"Himari, you are not your past. Your trauma does not define you anymore than a broken arm would. It may not feel like it because hurts from the inside take much longer to heal."
He was blurry so I blinked a few times. Koutarou was nodding vigorously until Keiji shook his head at him; a signal to tone it down but bookended by genuine fondness. The small gesture sent a wave of longing through me. I choked on another sob but the tears didn't return.
There was something dangerous in that longing. I had spent years cultivating a life I thought I could live with. A life where I held everyone but a handful at arm's length and called that happy. I saw the fleeting bliss in the romances around me; meant for each other one day and bitterly separated the next. It was always safer to observe rather than experience.
But Oikawa. He had planted the seed of desire in the part of me I'd left barren. I saw the lasting adoration between Koutarou and Keiji. Each instance took to the soil eagerly and blossomed so quickly that before I had even realized it I let myself take one step into that field and my heart wanted to run for miles.
I was on the precipice, itching to take that next step, but when I looked behind me I saw the black shadow of rot. Every patch of land touched by my shadow was sapped of color and life. I could see Oikawa waiting for me surrounded by flora leaning toward the light he emitted.
"Himari?"
The vision faded and reality took its place. I saw the expression in the four faces surrounding me and mild horror crept up my back.
"I don't need to go anywhere."
They all looked guilty. I knew what they'd been thinking and I questioned how long I'd been unresponsive for the thought to even cross their minds.
I'd seen people taken to the hospital before when those around them thought they wouldn't be safe at home. That their state of mind was so altered they might hurt someone. Hurt themselves. I wasn't like that, but then, they had all said that too.
"Hajime, please." I pushed the word past the thickness in my throat. "Anything but that."
Hajikun's expression changed, fast as lightning. He looked like he was in so much pain, gaze shifting between myself and the counselor looking for an answer. Koutarou's eyes were wide as saucers and for once Keiji's face held something more than impassivity. The urge to flee rose within me like the rising tide until I was sure there was no beach to stand on.
My muscles were taut with stress. 'They're going to do it. They're going to put me in the psych hospital. It'll start out as a three-day stay and then they'll see just how crazy I am.' I was reeling. Every bit of progress I thought I'd made hurtled so far in front of me it was farther out of reach than before. 'One step forward two steps back.'
I didn't realize my breathing had rapidly increased until my vision started to dim but I couldn't slow down. If I were a car it would be the equivalent of someone putting a brick down on the accelerator when the gas tank was near empty. The more I breathed the more nauseous I felt and the more nauseous I felt the more panicked I got. The ringing in my ears was the last signal, the last sure sign I had, before I finally fainted.
I awoke with a headache, sharp and dull simultaneously. The blood was still pounding through my head and the pressure behind my eyes when I opened them was too much so I kept them closed as I sat up. Trying to get my bearings I felt around me. Soft sheets were draped over me. "I'm on a bed." My hands searched for the hidden scorch mark from a distant bout of self harm but it wasn't there.
Soft knocking shook me to attention and I opened my eyes wide reflexively. Though I winced almost immediately I could still make out where I was. I'd been to the Iwaizumi household enough to know the room surrounding me was that of his sister, Sakiko. More at ease I attempted to call out to my visitor my my throat was too raw for anyone to hear.
Hajime stepped in anyway.
He looked haggard walking toward me with a small plate with an apple and a slice of bread.
"I didn't know if you would be awake."
He sat down in a chair next to the bed and I saw a glass of water closeby. I gulped it greedily, feeling the room temperature liquid ease the pain in my throat as if it had been a fresh glass. I didn't stop until I felt I could manage to rasp out a response.
"What happened?"
Now that he was closer I could see redness in his eyes that caused a stinging in my own. His mouth was set in the usual way, strong and capable, but when he spoke I felt my heart nearly break.
"You fainted at the meeting but, not quite all the way." He looked away. "You were still crying."
'He sounds so sad.'
"When we tried to wake you up the crying became more intense. After a few phone calls we decided to bring you here since you carpooled with me and the house is a little closer. Koutarou carried you on his back to my car and he and Keiji stayed with us until they had to leave for their train.
"After a while you began to get more hysterical, almost screaming, but I still couldn't wake you up. It was like you didn't want to wake up."
Fully distracted from the pulsing in my head my eyes stretched wide. It was no wonder he looked so tired, sounded so sad. I couldn't imagine how helpless I would feel were the situation reversed. When I reached out to grab his hand he didn't hesitate to hold on tightly. Turning his gaze to me I could see how much damage I had inflicted while unconscious.
"I'm so sorry Hajikun."
Through the raspiness I could hear my own voice shaking. His thumb rubbed over my knuckles.
"Don't be. I just wish you had reached out to someone about how you were feeling. Reached out to me."
It felt like adding salt on a wound but I couldn't blame his feelings of betrayal. It was as my father said, the cycle was coming around after I had kept my thoughts in for so long. Putting me in a hospital no longer felt like something I could fault anyone for because the next stop in the circle was self harm.
There was a dotted line leading away from the circle, however, that not everyone reached. It separated them from the world and made them feel alone; alone enough to leave everyone behind. It was the reason times like these were particularly difficult for Hajime. He had tried to talk to her, his sister, but she never said a thing. Maybe he was wondering if she too curled up in her bed, crying throughout her sleep.
"I'm so sorry." I said again, leaning forward to lean against his chest. "I'm such an idiot."
I mumbled through the fabric of his school shirt, happy to hear him laugh. 'School shirt!' I pushed away from him and took in his ensemble. He was definitely wearing the school uniform.
"Why are you in your school clothes?"
"Because it's Monday and we have to go to school."
"Monday?" The shrill word felt like shards of glass moving passed my throat but I couldn't contain my surprise. "It's Monday?"
"Yes. And nearly time to leave. You slept for quite a while."
"Quite a while, quite a while? I'd say that's an understatement! I don't even have my uniform or my school bag or-! I don't even have my toothbrush! I'll have to go home and hopefully my parents are home because I didn't even think about bringing a key yesterday and..."
I trailed off, realization only just dawning on me.
"Hajukun, do my parents know what happened yesterday?"
He sighed and pushed the forgotten plate of food toward me, his expression clearly indicating that he would only speak if I started eating. Ignoring the apple I picked apart the bread and popped a small piece in my mouth to appease him.
"Your parents know you passed out. They came by immediately and I told them you had been stressed out with the tutoring requests you got this week and were overwhelmed."
I raised my eyebrows in question. It was hard to believe they would buy such an excuse.
"I'm very believable."
I chuckled, finally feeling some relief since waking. If they did believe whatever words he gave them I was grateful. I had barely been able to avoid being committed by my friends and counselor the day before. Against my parents I would have had no chance.
When I finished the bread he pushed the apple toward me before speaking again.
"No one really wanted to try and wake you to bring you back home so they brought all the things you'll need."
He got up and pulled my school bag and an additional overnight bag from the far corner of the room and set it next to me. As he exited he murmured a quick estimate about how much time I had and shut the door quietly behind him.
I met Hajikun downstairs after I was ready. He was standing in the kitchen checking his class assignments for errors. 'He must be bored waiting.'
"You can stop pretending to be a model student." I teased.
"I've scored higher marks than you on exams." His grumbling pulled another laugh from me.
"Can I leave this bag here? I don't want to carry it around all day."
"Sure, you can pick it up after school. Just put it in my room."
I dashed up and down quickly, not wanting to delay our departure any longer, but I couldn't help but pause when Hajikun's eyes kept shifting away from mine. He stood tense by the door, ready to leave.
"Do you have something to say?" I asked as I slipped my own shoes on.
"No."
"You're acting like you do."
"No I'm not."
"Yes, you are."
"No I'm-"
"Hajime!"
As entertaining as his childish refusal was I wasn't in the mood to let myself be kept in the dark. I knew he was thinking about something and I knew it involved me. Whatever thought he had I needed to know so that my brain didn't make up something in place of the truth. My thoughts were always worse than reality. Most times.
"I don't want to tell you."
'Well. That's not what I expected.'
"...Why?"
His eyes flickered to me and shifted away again.
"Because I don't want you to feel like you did yesterday."
'Oh.'
So it was about that. I hadn't probed the memory of the previous day very deeply for that precise reason. I was just as afraid of my reaction as he was. Thinking about it further I realized that the idea hadn't been very well calculated. Oikawa still existed and I would still see him and interact with him. If I didn't at least acknowledge the struggle I'd had I would be inviting in more self-destruction.
"You should tell me."
He didn't look at me.
"I'm serious, Hajikun, you should tell me. I can't promise that I won't be upset by what you say but I know that I shouldn't try to block out my fears."
If you made it easy for yourself to run from your fears you never moved forward. He and I both knew that. His shoulders sagged as if he'd been defeated and he finally turned toward me.
"You and Oikawa are my friends and I'm worried for both of you. I don't want you to hide something because you're afraid. I don't want Oikawa to hurt because he didn't know how to act around you, didn't know what to watch out for."
I nodded. It felt different coming from Hajikun than it had from the counselor. They had more or less given me the same advice but I no longer felt the creeping self-loathing that came around whenever I thought of revealing my past. I cared that, not only would it effect Oikawa and myself, but other people close to us. Maintaining the path I'd been taking would be selfish.
"I understand." I hugged his arm to show him that I was okay.
"Alright, let's go meet Oikawa before arrives so we don't have to explain what you're doing here."
The day was beautiful. The sky was beautiful. The clouds were beautiful. The cracks in the sidewalk were beautiful. Oikawa walked himself happily toward his friends house, nearly skipping. His weekend had been the best of the year so far. Well, maybe not the whole weekend, but definitely Sunday.
His muscles tightened in his midsection remembering her frenzied hug before she left. He had been unable to see her face when they separated but he spent the rest of the day imagining what he had looked like. It had been such a perfect moment that he didn't even mind when Takeru teased about how 'dopey' he looked when he came back inside. At least for a little while.
Happy as he was he had more determination than ever to get back into Iwa-chan's good graces. He didn't know how he would go about it. Usually, he just pestered him until Iwazumi was too tired to ignore him anymore. Of the two of them, his patience was greater. His ability to be annoying was as well.
So caught in his musings he almost didn't recognize the two figures walking toward him.
"Naka-chan?"
She was smiling brightly at him as she approached. Iwaizumi was next to her, same surly expression as usual. He grunted.
"No greeting for your lifetime friend? Why are you confused when I call you a crappy guy?"
Oikawa's eyes felt dry and he realized they were too wide. Eyelids shuttering rapidly he took in Iwa-chan's words and broke out into a grin. It was a relief to hear something so friendly after days of silence from him. Despite how salty it sounded, the greeting gave Oikawa the impression that his friend had finally worked through whatever it was he needed to.
"Awh, Iwa-chan, don't be like that!"
Oikawa moved to throw his arm around Iwaizumi, already prepared for him to dodge out of the way. He repositioned as Iwaizumi tried to escape, successfully finding purchase over his shoulders. Grinning wide Oikawa squeezed tightly before finally allowing Iwa-chan flee his hold.
When he turned his attention back to Himari his heart beat a little faster. She brought a hand up to hide her quiet laughter but her eyes shone with genuine happiness.
"You're pretty lively this morning. Normally you save the antics for lunch hour, when Hajikun has finally woken up fully."
She moved her hand as she spoke revealing an amused expression. He curved his mouth into his signature smirk.
"I'm in a good mood."
"Aren't you always?"
"I'm in an exceptionally good mood."
"Well, this is an interesting development. What's got you so happy?"
"Am I going to have to listen to this often?"
Oikawa ignored Iwaizumi and continued. On no particular cue they had begun walking with Naka-chan in the center. He nudged her as he spoke next.
"I had a good weekend. I'll bet you did as well. Is that why you're here with Iwa-chan so early? Couldn't wait to see me?"
"You've found me out," I rolled my eyes dramatically, "I just couldn't wait the extra half hour before school to see you. I count down the seconds until our next meeting!"
It wasn't too far off. Our interactions coincided with times of day in which distinct changes happened. Before classes began, at lunch, class end, practice end. It was, I told myself, only natural to associate Oikawa with those times. There was nothing wrong with his face disrupting my thoughts within ten minutes of lunch. I chose not to think of the lapses in character I had experienced in which my brain would insert his name into thoughts it shouldn't be. (i.e. 'Oh, only thirty more minutes until Oikawa. No! No, only thirty more minutes until practice. Practice, is what I meant…')
"I'm going to ignore the sarcasm because your hand keeps brushing against mine. If you want to hold hands you can just do it!"
Before he finished his sentence he had interlocked his fingers between mine. I could feel the heat of embarrassment through my whole body and directed my gaze to the ground and away from the boys that bookended me.
"That's not- I didn't want- it's just because you were walking so close to me!"
Uncomfortably hot I tried to pull my hand away. In a manner much to smooth for me to bear Oikawa let my fingers slip from his only to adjust his grip. He had moved to hold my fingers in his, arching my wrist toward him and pulling them closer to him as he leaned slightly. His lips grazed my knuckles, so lightly, like a butterfly's wings brushing against skin as it took off.
"Okay, no hand holding today."
His lips moving against my hand froze any response my brain could have come up with. In an instant the touch was gone and Oikawa continued walking, leaving me mute and stunned. Hajikun's hand slapped my back lightly, bringing me back to the present in time to step in time with him as we followed Oikawa.
"So, he's always like that, isn't he?" I mused.
"I'm sure whatever you're referring to, you're right."
"I'm always right. But, I was talking about how he can change moods faster than I can change radio stations."
"Oh yeah. That's just the tip of the iceberg. If you see him as much as I do you'll start to get dizzy from trying to follow all of his emotions."
We both shared a small chuckle when Oikawa started humming loudly, signalling to us that he could hear us, and hear us well. For a while the silence of the morning was only marred by our footsteps on the ground and the unrecognizable tune coming from Oikawa. When the school was in sight Hajikun spoke once more.
"Am I going to have to experience this from now on?"
"Experience what?"
"You and Oikawa and hand holding or hugging or whatever people do when they like each other."
His cheeks were red as he asked the question, a reminder that under the prickly exterior of my good friend was the same soft and romantic interior as any leading man in a romantic movie. I noticed, too, that Oikawa's humming had stopped altogether.
"I'm sorry Hajikun, but I think there's a possibility that you will."
My eyes were on Oikawa's back—acceptable since Hajime definitely wouldn't be looking my direction—pleased to know that he could hear my reply. His shoulders sagged slightly, similar to someone releasing tension and while I could hear Hajikun grumble a response I focused on the loud happy tune Oikawa had begun whistling.
