*knock knock*
Anybody still there? *CACKLESLIKEACRAZYLADY*
There are no excuses. I've just been lacking a muse. BAH. Maybe my depression got me, who knows. It's funny though that I'm updating instead of preparing for the hurricane that's supposed to hit my area tomorrow.
In other exciting news, I'm finishing up some of my cute pokemon drawings so that I can post them on my newly created redbubble account. Huzzah money!
I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS. I'll try and treat you guys better going forward and not disappearing for over a month. Also, the next chapter is going to get CUH-RAZY
Disclaimer: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD, and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.
Chapter 18
Blame it on Me or Blame it on You
The activities of the weekend had greedily swallowed all of my attention and, now that the morning was well underway, I remembered the repercussions of receiving romantic attention from Oikawa. If the ladies of the school reacted so poorly to us being simple friends they were bound to go full nuclear if and when Oikawa flirted with me outright. I chewed my lip and tried to pay attention to the lesson. After a few minutes of barely successful note taking my phone buzzed lightly.
Oikawa-kun: I forgot to pack my lunch :'(
Naka-chan 3: Well I'm not sharing mine.
Oikawa-kun: Rude!
Oikawa-kun: Can we eat in the cafe? You guys can just bring your lunches there and be with me!
Naka-chan 3: How about you buy your lunch and meet us in the classroom instead
Oikawa-kun: Whaaaattt? Lunch will be half over by then. That would be terrible for you, I know how much you love spending time with me. ;P
I hid a smile at that. Although I had been having a hard time paying attention to begin with I didn't need sensei to see me blatantly staring at my phone. Even if the distraction if Oikawa's childish text messages was welcome.
I absolutely wanted to spend time with him. It felt similar to a moth to a flame. The moth flies through the dim blue night, guided by the dull moonlight, until a bright beacon beckons. Unwittingly, the unsuspecting moth flutters toward it, its flight path messy and disorganized. Closer it gets until its body can feel the blessed heat radiating outward. The light and the energy it puts out is addicting and the erratic flurry of flapping wings brings the fragile moth too close for comfort. Still, even with the very real danger of being swallowed whole, the moth knows its life, for the present time, is under the control of the flame. For the moth knows to follow the brightest light it can.
Oikawa was, without a doubt, a blinding presence in my life. A pure white flame burning just faintly blue at the center, bright enough to make beautiful anything in close proximity. The first outsider, blissfully ignorant to my past, I had willingly brought into my life. Though, I didn't know if that was by choice or if his magnetism tethered me to him from the very beginning.
Another buzz.
Oikawa-kun: Nakaaaaaaa-chaaaaannnn
Naka-chan 3: Fine. We can go get you food. Offer valid for today only so remember your lunch tomorrow.
Oikawa-kun: YEAH! Okay, see you in a few
'A few?' He couldn't possibly mean minutes. I looked at the top of my phone to see that he was right. It never ceased to amaze me how I could look at my phone and look directly at the top to read the time, only to forget the moment my eyes moved away.
Nerves buzzed anew realizing I was mere minutes from being out as Oikawa's romantic interest. I could imagine the dark auras of his loyal flock of fans as he ignored them to find me. Their eyes became red in my mind as they turned to look at me. I shivered, a small ball of lead rolled in my belly. There was nothing I wanted more than to avoid their attention.
'Well, you're just lying to yourself.'
The lead quivered to a stop. My lips twitched from both irritation and glee. There was possibly just one thing that I wanted more than anonymity and, as usual, my subconscious smugly forced me to recognize it. To see the shock on everyone's face when Oikawa chose me. Me. Not the ladies leading the cheer squad at a match. Not one of the many students who offered him gifts regularly.
Me.
I was lucky that the signal to excuse ourselves to lunch chimed in time with my satisfied grin. If the instructor had seen me with such a manic look on my face while staring at my own lap I would definitely be assigned extra cleaning duty. No sane student should have a reason to look like that during a lesson.
Hajikun and I waited as usual for the other students to clear out before standing up to push desks together.
"We're going with Oikawa to the lunchroom." I said over the scrap of desk legs.
"Yeah, he practically shouted it at me."
I looked at him, confused.
"There were exclamation marks literally after every word. When he texts like that I can hear his loud whining inside my skull."
He rubbed his temples for full effect while I cackled. It was cut short as Aoi-chan flew into the room panting.
"Wow. I don't think I've ever seen you this winded before. What's the rush?" I smirked through my words but she didn't respond.
"Has it started yet?" Her pitch was too loud and Hajikun winced in unison with me.
"Has what started?"
'She's excited. This can't be good.'
"Oikawa's fans having a heart attack when they see you and him together!"
My cheeks lit fire. I shouldn't have told her as many details of our 'date' as I had. She made it sound like he was going to waltz passed them and profess his love for me.
"Your imagination is too much." I mumbled.
We had no time for further discussion. Oikawa had stepped into the Hall, evident by the immediate buzz of conversation. His figure came into view, much taller than the mob surrounding him, and he was smiling as usual. I raised a brow. Even if it was a facade the stamina it took to keep that up 90% of the day was impressive.
"Did you bring your lunch today, Oikawa-kun? You can always sit at our table in the lunchroom instead of cooped up in a classroom all the time!"
The voice of whoever it was grated on my eardrums. It was cloyingly sweet and high pitched, an attempt at leveling their choice above all the other clamoring. As I frowned I realized I wouldn't have bothered to make that observation if it hadn't been directed at Oikawa. How many times would my face flush after an obsessive thought about him?
"How did you know? You're so attentive, how lucky I am. Unfortunately, I've already got lunch plans, as usual. I'll wave to you if I see you in the lunchroom!"
He flashed a peace sign before wading through the crowd too the classroom door. So far the group he left behind looked no more perturbed than usual, lucky for me. They still glared at me of course but that was getting easier to ignore. Oikawa laid his bag on the desk touching mine.
"Ready to go?"
Hajikun grimaced at Oikawa's tone. So chipper. So excited. I could empathize with him. My friendship with Aoi was a similar introvert-extrovert relationship.
"You can go by yourself. You're a big boy." Hajikun growled, punctuating his statement with a loud thud as he fell into his chair.
"What? But Mari-chan said we could go!" Oikawa began pouting and looked to me for help.
"Well I'm not Mari. I'll sit here and opt out of the field trip, thanks."
"What field trip?"
Aoi-chan skipped toward our clump of desks, slim fingers bringing her school bag from her shoulder to the seat with a thud. Her question was muffled, like I was under water and she spoke to me from above. 'Did anyone else catch that?' I forced my eyes to return to focus, taking in the expression on Oikawa and Hajikun's faces. Yes, it seemed that they had both realized what Oikawa had said.
'He called me by my given name!'
All at once the realization devoured me. Every inch of skin felt set aflame by the idea of Oikawa thinking of me like that—calling me by my given name in his mind while I had just gotten comfortable giving him a more personal honorific. Quickly, my hands clapped against my face, hiding the blush and growing smile that I couldn't seem to control. I turned away and headed stiffly toward the door.
"Let's go, Kawa-kun."
'Just...don't acknowledge it. Just act like everything's normal.'
Oikawa's light, hurried footsteps followed behind me until they fell into their normal rhythm as he reached my side. His body shielded me from the light shining through the hallway windows and I looked up at him. Our eyes met for only half a second before I could no longer bear to continue looking.
It was a rarity, catching Oikawa in such a genuine expression. His face was still brushed light pink, the remnants of the blush that had collected after he spoke my name out loud. While that in and of itself would have been enough to constrict someone's lungs it was the look in his eyes that did me in. It made my chest feel like stone, rigid and unmoving except for the growing feeling that it would also burst.
He looked so nervous.
I spent so long watching him-every day for two and a half years- and had I been asked if 'nervousness' was among Oikawa's usual emotional repertoire I would have laughed the question away. But he did get nervous. He did and it was because of me. I don't think anyone would fault my urge to turn away from that face. After being a silent spectator in his life I was now a major player and, while it terrified me and caused much cowardice in moments such as these, I was mostly happy.
Oikawa-induced-happiness (what a majority of my happiness in recent days could be described as) would be a fantastic drug.
"How long have you known Hajikun?"
It was my question, a topic out of the blue, that helped ease our nervous tension. It had been something I'd thought about, for sure, but I suspected the reason it flew out of my mouth was to get back into our comfort zone.
"That's a good question." I could look at him again now that we were treading on safer ground. "I don't think I know the answer, not exactly. Ten years? More? The years run together after a while."
He paused at the door to the lunchroom and smiled down. The gesture he made, urging me to continue first, was becoming familiar.
"How long have you known Iwa-chan?"
'Ah.'
I hadn't thought through the conversation. It was an obvious follow-up, but I had been too focused on talking about anything that the idea of turning the question back never crossed my mind. He was still smiling as I looked at him. It was common, in our conversations, for him to be content. I thought it might have been due to the fact that he enjoyed being spoken to as a person rather than an idol.
'I don't want to ruin this.' Moments between us were usually so easy, barring any occurrence that reminded me of the large part of my past I still kept hidden from him. I felt like I could be the me who didn't get stuck in the locker room alone years ago. I felt like the person I was supposed to be.
But, that meant I kept running from my past. I thought I had accepted it and moved forward but truly I had been waiting. Waiting for another life event that would force me to take stock of my emotions and actions and show me that what I was doing wasn't healthy. Hiding what happened from Oikawa in fear that he might change how he acted toward me was a gutless selfish act. Oikawa deserved to be given the opportunity to react without my assumptions transferred onto him.
"We met a few weeks before high school. At a support group meeting."
I spoke the words before I had decided fully to do so. Chancing a glance at him I saw a surprisingly benign reaction to what I thought was an obvious hint that I had been through a difficult trauma.
He had an eyebrow arched, slight surprise I assumed with possibly curiosity. On the whole though, his face remained unchanged with the new information I'd given. There was no cautiously apologetic cringe to his features, no open-mouthed shock, no pity. It was...confusing.
Even people who had gone through trauma themselves had similar reactions when I told them about my past. Every person in the support group had all worn the same semi-varied expression of a person suddenly uncomfortable and sorrowful for someone else. It had always bothered me, hurt me, because I felt like they would no longer see me as a Himari. After my story was told I became 'abuse-survivor-Himari' like some sort of morbid childrens doll.
I hadn't realized that that typical reaction had, in some ways, become a form of validation. It made me sick and honestly wondering how I could be so contradictory. The expression my family had when the looked at me haunted my waking hours and yet the first time I was graced with the response I yearned for I felt unsettling disappointment. It didn't feel like the look of someone understanding and yet respectful enough to treat me like the same person I had been. It felt dismissive.
'But that's not fair!' Out of all the things he could have done in response to my words Oikawa had done, without a doubt, the most desireable thing. He acknowledged it just as he would have if I had said I moved thirty times in my life. Abuse- sexual abuse- was absolutely more shocking than moving a few dozen times, but it defined me in a similar way. Everybody has a history which shapes them into their current self. While mine was more traumatic than most, I didn't feel like I deserved pity or sorrow.
And yet, when I didn't get that I felt unrecognized.
'Mark this down for the next therapy session.' My inner monologue-ist was always quick at attempting humor to deescalate a situation. It worked, in it's own way, by reminding me to focus on the present. Oikawa was still looking at me like he wanted to say something, perfect brow still arching upward. 'Stay in the present.'
"So that's close to three years. Huh."
He looked pensive as he retrieved his food.
"What?"
Nerves tightened my throat.
"I just think you've had a big impact on him since you met."
My imagination ran wild. In that moment I felt the whole room flood with air, swirling everything and everyone away leaving only Oikawa and myself and his words washing over me. I wondered what exactly my face looked like in that moment, in my euphoric gratitude toward him, that made him blush again.
"Naka-chan!"
We turned in unison toward the voice and saw Yahaba standing just a few meters away with a few of his other teammates. Oikawa scoffed.
"No greeting for your captain? You must really like running extra laps."
His voice was endearingly petulant as we walked closer to the group. I saw Watari, Kindaichi, and Kunimi stand up to greet us before resuming their lunch. Yahaba's face clouded as he muttered his response.
"You always greet her before everyone."
"It's good to see you outside of practice Naka-chan," Watari said between bites, "Why don't you join us!"
"Yeah!"
"Please, then Kindaichi can actually ask you the volleyball questions he's been too afraid to text you."
Kindaichi looked at Kunimi like he was a stranger taking the last takoyaki off of his plate and promptly turned beet red.
"Don't say it weird like that Kunimi!" He turned to me: "I just didn't want to bother you with minor questions."
He looked absolutely miserable which saved him from my laughter. I mustered a straight face so that he would take my sincere words as such.
"You don't have to worry about that. That's why I gave you my number to begin with." I hoped the fall of his shoulders meant that he had relaxed somewhat. "Actually, I was surprised! Not one single text message from any of the first or second years. I was beginning to think all that praise was a lie to get me to make more mochi."
"Did you make us more mochi?" Yahaba had recovered well enough from Oikawa's comment.
"No, I didn't. Maybe if you guys can manage to win this Saturday I'll surprise you with something."
I managed to keep my face coy though I wanted to groan. I always seemed to commit myself to the most time consuming and inconvenient tasks. For no reason other than to make a joke.
"'If we can manage'? That's not even a challenge, that's just disrespect!" Oikawa's pout was aggressive. The other boys nodded their heads in fervent agreement.
"Alright, how about this then: if anyone on the team can successfully replicate the back attack like Hinata and I did in practice I will treat the whole team to a meal cooked by yours truly."
Mouths hung open. I could all but hear their thoughts, a slow crescendo building louder and louder until-
"Yeah!" The for boys jumped from their seats, shouting incoherently and sharing victorious high-fives.
Oikawa remained impressively impassive, overlooking the scene with the same look in his eyes as he had on the court. Maybe he was wondering the same thing I was: why on Earth was I inviting such a large group of unruly boys to my home? Or perhaps he was already thinking ahead and wondering who would be the most likely to succeed the challenge I'd given.
I wasn't given much longer to enjoy the moment. As the quartet settled down and the curious glances from other students shifted away a sharp push, a tray hitting my spine, sent me toppling on top of Kindaichi. My chest fell into his shoulder and my cheek smacked the top of his head. Unsurprisingly, his reflexes were fast enough to help steady me, one hand on my elbow and one on my waist, even as our bodies bruised each other.
Through the burning pain spreading across the right half of my face I felt the telltale flow of cold liquid on my back. The chill gave me goosebumps and I could tell by the increasing weight that my jacket and shirt were soaked enough to stick together.
A new pair of hands grabbed my shoulders and brought me to my full height. Oikawa was behind me with hard eyes and a straight set mouth. 'He doesn't look very pleased.' Looking passed him I saw three girls, the shortest one with an almost believable look of apology on her face. The cruel smirk she gave me the previous week flashed over her mask, as if my mind were trying to rewrite the lie in her current expression.
"I can't apologize enough, Nakahara-chan! I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking and you were just right in the middle of the path! Oh no! Now you've got coffee all over you!"
Her voice grated my eardrums, would probably continue to do so until some sympathetic force ushered her out of my life. I turned to face her, stepping to the side to get a better view around Oikawa. Stilled jarred from the impact I had none of my usual safeguards in place for thinking before I spoke.
"Oh gosh, no need to worry, it was a mistake after all. But now I feel bad! When we met last week in the bathroom I failed to ask your name!"
I had the pleasure of seeing her falter slightly before she replied.
"Ch-Chiaki Yubari." Her words held none of the previous warmth.
I was unaware of what was happening throughout the rest of the lunch room but in the little bubble we had created it felt quiet enough to hear a pin drop. I was sure now that anyone near is would feel the tension. For confirmation I looked to Oikawa who had left one hand on my shoulder even after I was upright and flinched.
His face was entirely blank as he looked at Chiaki and, more than changing out of my wet clothes, I wanted to know what was going through his head. My words were obvious enough to anyone involved that Chiaki and her friends were my tormentors from the previous Thursday. I knew he understood.
After a thousand scenarios ran through my head as to what his next actions would be he obliterated all of them by doing none of them. He turned to me in a seemingly calm manner but his expressionless face remained unchanged.
"Mari-chan, take my jacket."
Nimble fingers unfastened the buttons as he spoke. His shoulders dipped backward slightly and the jacket slid from him in a manner that had no right being attractive. My eyes traced the curve of muscle I could see even with his shirt covering them. Embarrassingly, my mouth was dry when he handed me his school coat. I held it carefully, like it would disintegrate from a false movement.
"But you'll get in trouble for not being in proper uniform." I mumbled half-heartedly, knowing it wouldn't change his mind but unable to help myself.
"It doesn't matter."
The smile he gave in response was so genuine I looked around, worried for his carefully crafted facade. Chiaki looked stunned and another enjoyable wave of satisfaction ran through me. I focused back on him.
"I'll get coffee on it."
"It doesn't matter."
My heart beat faster. He was being so sincere. No sarcastic remark about how he was going out of his way to help, or that he would have to find a suitable way for me to pay him back door his kindness. Truly, to him it did not matter.
I struggled to maintain control as my chest tightened and froze and tried to make my throat let out a squeal of delight. My jacket came off with a disgusting wet sound and I grimaced. Before I put in his jacket I grabbed stray napkins from the unusually quiet volleyball juniors and sopped up the mess as best as I could.
Shrugging on Oikawa's jacket made me chuckle. It was so hilariously big on me.
"Here, let me help you."
Oikawa's voice was closer than it had been. He stepped closer to be and began to roll the jacket sleeves into a stiff cuff above my fingers that would at least let me function properly for the rest of the day. With a blush on my face I averted my gaze, ever obedient to my discomfort, and I once again locked eyes with Chiaki. She looked livid. Obviously whatever she thought she'd gain from her 'accident' did not coincide with what had actually happened.
"Chiaki-san, there's no reason for you to remain. I've taken care of everything. You may go and eat what remains of your lunch."
He kept his eyes trained on the second sleeve and I had to again turn in another direction to avoid her penetrating stare. Looking at the other boys it seemed that they had recovered from the commotion and were doing a rather poor job of hiding their smiles. I had to assume Chiaki's embarrassment was greater than my own as her and her friends stalked off in the uncomfortable silence.
"Well," Yahaba said after Oikawa finished with my sleeves, "that was more eventful than every lunch period combined."
There was a round of laughter, the light kind that helps your muscles settle down after being tense, and before I could say an awkward farewell Oikawa pulled my elbow gently to begin our walk back to my classroom. He gave a curt nod to the foursome still seated and steered us out of the lunch room.
As soon as we reached the hall his pace slowed considerably and his hand released the comfortable grip it had on me. The adrenaline I'd felt during the encounter began to dissipate allowing the emotions it had kept at bay to come crashing down.
'I knew this would happen. I knew if I so much as stood next to him there would be some sort of backlash.' I looked up at Oikawa, noticed the grim set of his mouth, and looked away. This was something we had both seen coming, although knowing the future didn't mean you could do anything to change it. It certainly didn't make you immune to it.
"I'm sorry."
It shouldn't have, but his sudden words startled me.
"S-sorry? Why?"
He stopped and stared down at me for a moment before a rueful smile, a mockery of even his most sarcastic smirk, spread across his lips.
"If I wasn't me this wouldn't have happened."
I let that sit in my mind for a moment. If Oikawa Tooru was just that, instead of 'The Oikawa Tooru', there would be no unbridled jealousy to, say, cause a person to attack me with their lunch tray in the cafeteria. It was a statement, not only true, but remarkably sad. How would that sit on my shoulders? To be the underlying origin of someone's suffering?
What's more, how would you even begin to remedy the situation? Would you feel as if the 'you' that had been slowly cultivated in life was the wrong choice? Perhaps you would think the person you had become was a mistake if it ended up causing pain. I wondered if that's how he felt when he'd found me the previous Thursday- if that's how he felt again today. It made my heart hurt fiercely, physically, to imagine him shouldering the blame for what Chiaki did. It didn't matter who he was, a person's actions were their own.
I could see the downhearted look in his eyes, still knowing that in a few hours he would somehow make it disappear. His mask would slide into place and he would function just as he always had with this self-condemnation pushed beneath. He would try to suffer silently to reduce the burden I might have from the bullying. 'Don't do that, please don't do that, I'm not worth that.'
Angry, butterflies spawned from muk pushed around my stomach. The thought was par for the course, something I'd experienced before with depression, but it felt more true than it ever had. I was hiding that part of myself from him. I hid the darkness and only showed him what I wanted him to see and he had no idea. He was willing to face his own constant deprecation for my situation when he had half of the information. He couldn't decide if it, if I, was truly worth the trouble because he just didn't know anything.
I took his hand desperately, the dark and self-hating part of me feeling like it would be one of the last times I could do so, and held on tightly.
"Kawa-chan, none of that was your fault. It wasn't." I squeezed his hand for emphasis.
I could see his surprise in my action. It was rare for me to initiate touch between us. Still, it wasn't enough to remove the doubt from his face. A pink blush began to bloom across my cheeks and I closed the distance between us. My arms locked around his waist and my head rested on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat stutter for a moment as it set a new pace and smiled. It felt so nice, better than I would have ever assumed, and though I wanted to continue having moments like this, I couldn't deny my duty any longer.
He had proven so many times, this day alone, that his attentions toward me were genuine. I had been putting off sharing my history with him to keep feeling as good as he made me feel but now it felt too selfish. More than wanting his affection, I wanted to keep him from being hurt, whether it was blaming himself for anything that happened to me, or confusing him with my erratic emotions.
"I have something I need to tell you." I whispered.
WHOA a whole chapter without time lapses? No. Way. Also, I bet you thought she was going to kiss him. HAH! (well...just wait
