HAPPY EASTER~!

Pre-Comment: Gosh, you guys are so demanding. Never happy. Do this, do that, do some more of this. Magic me up an update. Well, here it is, complete with pixie dust and leprechauns for you (No, not really). Follow the yellow brick road and turn left at Albuquerque for the next one.


Chapter Three: L2B Queer 101

"Sorry, Miss, I was just a little entranced by your beautiful eyes. I've never seen eyes so—Ah! Ah! My—-Ow!—CC! Stop that!"

Lelouch cried in agony, getting dragged away by the ear towards the three-way mirror. A frown and look of irritation was etched across her face in the look that clearly distinguished it as a 'No Play' zone.

"Stop flirting and pick something out," she said loudly, then added closer to his ear, "You're effectively taken now, remember?"

Lelouch groaned. Glancing back at the giggling store girl, he smiled and winked at her before turning back to the mirror and CC, grimacing.

"I could get a discount on all this if you'd just let me—"

"No flirting, Nancy."

Something deep inside Lelouch broke.

Just a little.

"Don't call me that."

CC rounded on him, grinning as she tugged his collar a bit, adjusting it.

"Oh? Is our Princess a little embarrassed?"

Lelouch slapped her hands away from his collar and arranged it himself. Casual, black, fitting, and something to go overtop. It showed him off and was worth more money than he wanted to shell out to go on a date with a boy.

"Shut up. Like I said, love conquers all boundaries—even this one."

CC giggled in amusement. "Sure. Sure. Just make sure to mention the skies of your childhood, and how one of your parents was shot by assassination. Oh, and don't forget to compliment his eyes. He'll like that."

Lelouch rolled his eyes.

CC's dry humour was worse than usual today.

"This is in the bag, CC," he assured her confidently, flipping out his collar and now inspecting his cuffs. "My attack plan is perfect. I've had enough of your teasing. Tease all you want when I'm swimming in my football field size pool and you're magicking pizza into nothing."

CC laughed, slipping a hand into his pocket, pulling his wallet out. "Whatever you say, Nancy," she returned airily, heading up to the counter—now making small talk with the male cashier.

Lelouch snorted, ignoring her.

It was just CC.

What did she know?

Lelouch had girls swooning left and right.

Suzaku wouldn't know what hit him.

After putting the moves on that queer he'll be putty in his hands.

It would be the greatest achievement of his lifetime. He could see it now: Lelouch Lamperouge, successful owner of all the money in the world before turning twenty-two after swindling the world's richest gay man.

It was the stuff legends were made of.

He'd be a conning legend everywhere.

But that would involve media attention which almost always involved the police, getting arrested, and jail time.

So maybe that wasn't such a good thing.

"Come on, Nancy, I need you dressed down properly before your date tonight," CC said loudly, dragging him out of the store. "You should be thanking me. I got this stuff for free. Pooh on your discount."

"What? But how, I—"

CC wrapped her arms around his waist, purring into his ear, pressing up against his back. " 'Doesn't he look so hot in that tight black shirt? He wants it so much. It's a crime not to just let him have it, don't you think? And those jeans. When he looks so fine with them on, imagine what he'd look like with them of—' "

"CC, you didn't—!"

Cue look of horror.

Lelouch looked back and forth between CC's triumphant grin—which he didn't like at all—and the cashier-boy's grinning face—which he liked a heck of a lot less. A mess of silver hair and blue eyes.

He winked at him.

Lelouch's eyes widened in terror.

"You didn—!"

"Oh, but I did." CC grinned, slipping away from him. The tingle of the bell marked her exit.

Turning back around at the cashier, Lelouch saw him lick his lips slowly.

No poetic or literary device in the history of man could possibly describe just how quickly Lelouch left the store.

Possibly screaming.


Under any normal circumstances, in the middle of preparing for a job or not, Lelouch wouldn't be caught dead in these kinds of places. Especially this one. In fact, he was almost certain that his aversion to it was so intense he would spontaneously combust at the thought of coming here. But then again, those stupid little words—

"Prove it."

—and his own insufferable pride to be able to, was a testament to his own sense of masochistic stubbornness skirting borders on the point of no return.

It turned off his better senses to stay away from a dangerous location when he saw one.

It blinded his ability to see the bright, gaudy, flashing lights of the sign above the lion's den he had stepped so proudly into.

It made walking straight towards the bar with CC in tow—drawing the attention of a good chunk of patrons—just that much easier.

It made the arm that snaked around his waist, giving him a feeling of unmatched, unbridled and unspeakable repulsion that much worse because, in the back of his mind, he knew this was a result of his own doing.

"Hey pretty lady," was whispered huskily in his ear. "Can I buy you a drink? Later on I can show you just what it's like to feel like a woman."

Lelouch opened his mouth (to scream) and felt a hand promptly clamped over it, dragging him backwards slightly—a good metre (in Lelouch's mind not far enough) away from his random pitcher. The red-purple colour tinting his cheeks did nothing for his complexion but matched his hair remarkably.

The feel of CC's very female bust pressing against his back made him forget for a moment where he was—but not what he had gotten himself into.

Then, like an old-school film projector, Lelouch saw the awful series of unfortunate events that had provoked him—and his stupid male ego—into coming here.

"You have no idea how to act gay."

Lelouch scoffed. "Sure I do. I've read that it's no different than being normal. You're just attracted to the wrong sex. Love c—"

"Conquers all boundaries," CC supplanted. "I get it. I still think you need to put just a little more thought into this. Suzaku isn't another girl. Get your feet wet before diving head-first into—"

Once again, Lelouch scoffed. CC frowned. And then she glared.

And that was never a good thing.

Folding her arms, she eyed him viciously. "I bet you couldn't pick up a gay man in a gay bar if your life depended on it."

Lelouch started laughing. "I could do that with my eyes closed! But why waste a good weapon when I can use it to my advantage? These eyes are gor—"

"Prove it."

Shock.

"What?" Lelouch choked.

CC smirked. "Didn't hear me? I said 'Prove it.' " CC's smirk turned into a full-fledged grin and she added, for just the right effect: "Nancy."

Right.

It wasn't so much the horrible echo of 'Prove it' rolling in his mind as it was her additional goading by calling him that effeminate nickname.

Golden eyes grinned at him victoriously in the dim light of the bar—Jack's Knife—and she placed her lips next to his ear.

"Don't freak out now, Princess. Don't forget the bet. Thirty boxes if you can't."

A strangled noise like a dying rabbit gurgled from his throat in reply, tinting his face red.

Satisfied enough, CC let go of him and strode off confidently. Lelouch noticed that a few patrons in the bar had looked her over more than just once. Of both sexes.

Turning back to the man—who was now looking a little awkward with his role in all this—Lelouch coughed to clear his throat and smiled. Hopefully it looked more natural than he could manage.

He laughed. "So… who was that? Oh, and sorry if I came off a little strong, I didn't mean to."

Lelouch coughed, clearing his throat again. "She's no one important. Anyway, I think you mentioned something about a drink. And don't call me 'lady' again."

A shiver travelled down his spine ominously at the thought, accompanied by several images.

He laughed. "Right, right. Sorry. You just looked so… Sorry, I won't say anymore."

Lelouch steeled himself.

He could do this.

Gay men were no different than normal guys.

"So what? Go on."

The vain part of Lelouch was curious and he couldn't really resist. If he could attract gay men as well as straight women then his clientele just expanded significantly.

"Well, I was watching you walking in with her and I was just thinking about what you would look like completely undressed. It made me want to CENSORED-CENSORED-CENSORED. You looked sexy."

Scratch that.

Gays were freaks of nature and his clientele would never expand to them after this was all said and done.

"Yeah, I could've done without hearing that. A bit quick to jump the gun, don't you think?"

He grinned. "Maybe you like that."

It was a statement, not a question.

It sent more chills down his spine.

And not the good kind.

Lelouch laughed it off, a little more nervously than he would have liked—hoping he hadn't just drummed up a conversation with a random sex-offender in a gay bar. Holding his hand out to him, he smiled again.

"Lelouch. Lelouch Lamperouge."

"Bart," he said, shaking Lelouch's hand. "Bart Darlton, but I go by Darlton—what do you take?"

Lelouch blinked.

"Drink," he clarified, nodding towards the bartender.

"Ah. I'll have a martini. Shaken and dirty."

Darlton grinned. "So you like it dirty, huh?"

Walked right into that one.

The realization that he was a fish out of water finally hit him. The kind of women he targeted would be more likely to attend cocktail receptions at large socialite gatherings, and thus likely to refrain from crude behaviour. The need to moderate his speech to exclude sexual nuances escaped his usual habits.

Even so.

The overpowering self-defence mechanism to run—very hard and very fast (for the fourth—wait—fifth time in his life)—was held back for all Lelouch was worth.

At least Darlton was refraining from touching him again.

Glancing over, he saw CC sitting down at a table with a man, staring in his direction, shaking in laughter.

Wait.

A man?

Never mind.

When their eyes locked, she winked at him, nodding towards Darlton as if she had just heard his crude comment.

And she probably did too.

Lelouch glared at Darlton.

"Sorry, I'm sorry, Lelouch. No more sex references, I swear!"

Lelouch shifted uncomfortably, eyes drifting towards the bartender shaking the drink for him.

"So, what brings you to a place like this?"

A stupid bet.

"I just broke up with my g—boyfriend and decided to come here to forget about him. He was cheating on me." Darlton winced in sympathy.

Lelouch gauged his reaction and—

"With a woman."

Darlton whistled, edging back a bit, as if someone had just shot him.

If only I could, Lelouch thought vindictively, with enough violent intent to compose a small army.

"That's rough. I'm sorry to hear that. You're a cutie, if you don't mind me saying so. I wouldn't let you get away from me by doing something stupid like that."

"I… uh… thanks."

A hand was placed subtly on his thigh and—

Lelouch froze.

—started to snake its way up to set comfortably on his waist. Darlton leaned in close and Lelouch could feel his hot breath falling on his neck.

A sense of sympathy flowed through him for the characters in horror movies.

When the hero has the monster breathing down their shoulder; close enough to—

"You wouldn't want to go for a bite to eat later, would you? I'm kind of hungry, and I can make you forget all about that cheating bastard."

A glass-breaking, bone-chilling, blood-curdling—well, you get the idea—scream filled the entirety of the relatively hushed bar. Glasses cracked and shattered in unison—a feat only a high C could provoke.

Oooh. Impressive.

And impressively girly.

First, he was flat on the ground of the bar.

And then he was scrambling away.

And then he was running away.

And then CC found him a block away, crouched down in an alley—really, what gives? (with the alleys)—hugging himself in a state of catatonic, horrified shock.

When he calmed down enough, his eyes met hers and he breathed a heavy sigh.

CC grinned wickedly.

And that was never a good thing.

"Homophobia acting up again?"

"Shut up!"

CC giggled in sheer glee.

"Oh hey, Nancy, guess what? I'm good enough to turn a gay man straight, so you can relax when this is all over."

Lelouch sputtered a bit.

"We are never going back there again!"

"But what if—"

"Wearenevergoingbackthereagain!"

CC laughed, nudging him with her foot before offering him a hand. Lelouch took it and was pulled to his feet, fighting back the horrible shiver that decided his entire body needed to experience what a bobble-head went through every day.

"You could sing opera with a voice like that," CC commented, making her way out of the alley, stepping gingerly over the overturned garbage can Lelouch had run into on his way here.

"Shut up," Lelouch growled.

CC laughed, stopping at the end of the alley. She turned around and looked him over. "You're all dirty." She wrinkled her nose at him, and then grinned. "But… maybe you like that."

"Shut up!"

Lelouch was turning red from embarrassment.

CC cackled.

"Come on, Princess, we need you cleaned up for your prince charming in two hours. I'll give you a few pointers to get through the night well enough while we're at it."

Lelouch sighed.

"And you owe me thirty boxes."

Ugh.


The two hours flashed by into nothing. CC had talked non-stop about what to do and, consequently, what not to do during the date. Lelouch could only really attribute this to her actually knowing a gay man—Mao—and so he heeded her words wisely by not really listening.

And whenever he rose up to object or challenge her wisdom, CC only had to remind him of recent events at the Jack's Knife, and reprimand him for his next-to-nothing knowledge on the gay world.

Lelouch had already chosen to kick that memory to the curb; CC being trash collector wasn't appreciated.

Soon enough, he was getting picked up by a black vehicle in the name of Suzaku Kururugi and was being sped off towards a restaurant.

Inside, he was led to the table Suzaku was sitting at.

Inside a deserted private room save its—now two—occupants.

And bouquets of every kind of flower Japan's flower shops could possibly stock lining the walls and piling in the corners.

Candlelight illuminated the room, flickering flames sitting precariously on candelabras—one on each side of their table, shining in various mirrors in the room.

His something-ain't-right senses were tingling.

But Lelouch chose to ignore all that—hoping it didn't mean anything important. (After all, it wasn't covered in the crash course by CC.)

After sitting down and five minutes of simple conversation, Lelouch had deemed that Suzaku was nice and normal enough.

Well, of course he was.

Suzaku Kururugi was straight.

But Lelouch didn't know that.

After a few casual greetings and mandatory opening conversations—

(Hey, how are you?)

(Not too bad, yourself?)

(Pretty good. So what did you do all day?)

(Brushed up on gay etiquette, how 'bout you?)

(Okay, so not exactly like that, but you get the idea.)

—the meal came out, was finished in relative silence—

(How is it?)

(Very good.)

—and now they had come about the part of the meal Lelouch had prepared all day for, thinking about every possible pattern of attack to bring this evening to a favourable end.

Wine and conversation.

From CC's explanation of gay men, it sounded like they were their own species straight down to the inflection of their voices accrued through influential habits. And then there were the gay men who looked and acted like normal people, but had crossed wires pertaining to sexual preferences.

(Based on Lelouch's recall of his brief previous encounter with Suzaku, CC classified him to be one of the latter—and these were the most difficult to deal with.)

CC Pointer Number One: Compliment his—

"You know, your eyes are really a very beautiful violet. Striking, like amethyst."

—eyes. Wait—what?

Lelouch choked on his wine.

A shade of red stained his cheeks.

Because the wine had gone down his windpipe and was now depriving him of oxygen.

This is a comedy; deal with it.

"Lelouch!"

Lelouch coughed a bit more and Suzaku rushed to his side. Pounding his chest, he coughed a bit more like a drowning man trying to spit up ocean water. He could feel the warm liquid burning something unpleasant in his chest.

A hard slap to his back cleared away the issue without further cause for concern.

Henry Heimlich Warning: Slapping the back can cause further choking.

Lelouch felt like he had just been assaulted by a miniature truck somewhere between his shoulder blades. He was afraid he would be paralyzed for life all the way down his spinal cord if he had been struck any harder.

"Th-Thanks," he rasped.

Well.

Now what?

This queer was stealing all his opening lines on him.

So, not to be outdone—

"Well, I'm lost in the forests of my childhood in yours."

Suzaku—

A. Did not blush.

B. Did not fidget.

C. Did not cast his eyes away coyly.

D. Smirked.

E. All of the above.

"I'm very flattered by your poetically rendered description of my eyes. It was very cute."

He.

Did.

Not.

All of CC's education was thrown out the window momentarily.

If you listened really closely you could hear a cat scream and hiss in complaint.

"Did you just call me cute?"

Suzaku chuckled, gazing adoringly across the table at him. "You are cute. Adorable, in fact. I'm sorry I'm such a terrible partner for conversation. I was too busy admiring how beautiful you are, and thinking about how I could strike up conversation with this rare and lovely orchid sitting across the table from me."

He did not.

But he did.

Oh, he did.

He did.

He did.

He did.

Lelouch suppressed the urge to go over there and strangle every ounce of life from his stupid, grinning face until his head popped before beating him black and blue.

He had been called cute before.

By family members.

Women.

And of course, CC.

But never a boy.

Repeat: Never a boy.

Lelouch took a sip of wine, buying him time to rack his mind for a proper response (and to relieve the murderous intent filling his head). CC hadn't covered this either—no, wait, she did: Deflect and redirect.

"I'm… very flattered by your compliment. So, tell me about your company. Shirley tells me that you recently donated towards keeping a children's hospital open. I'm impressed."

Reminder: Shirley Fenette is his fake cousin.

Suzaku shrugged. "It was nothing much really. I simply heard about their plight and decided to help out a little."

"You're too modest."

CC Pointer Number Two: Get him to talk about himself as much as possible.

"I've heard that your parents are deceased. Do you have any other family members that help you? Siblings?"

Suzaku shook his head. "No, I'm an only child. My father was a politician, and was shot by assassination—"

Actually true.

"—by a group of terrorists who didn't like the policies he was instigating; my mother died of a broken heart soon after—"

Also true.

"She was the founder of the Sakura Group, and the late CEO. My uncle and his wife and family raised me. I have a cousin, three years younger than me, who's also an only child. I moved out and reinitialized the Sakura Company immediately after graduation." Suzaku paused and smiled somewhat ruefully. "Even half the top floor of the company building was developed into an apartment for me because I was so busy and had nowhere else to go."

Lelouch nodded understandingly. "So you dove right in and buried yourself in your work. That's unhealthy," he added, taking a sip of wine. Lelouch reached for the bottle and topped Suzaku off before moving onto his glass. "You should relax more."

"You're helping me relax right now."

He winked.

Lelouch was suddenly assaulted by the urge to run very far, very fast as Suzaku put on an I'm-going-to-molest-you-in-the-next-five-minutes look. Lelouch made a mental note to be wary of Suzaku when his eyes started suggesting sexual abuse.

"Romane Conti. 1996. French red at its finest. I'm glad you enjoy it so much."

Lelouch looked back to the bottle of wine that was getting dangerously close to overflowing. He swore, spinning the bottle expertly and righting the bottle.

Lelouch was forced to take a wine serving and etiquette class back in Britannia while wearing a maid outfit complete with apron, stocking, and shoes.

Don't ask.

A single drop of red fell on the pristine white table cloth.

Lelouch didn't know what to say; his knowledge on wines was impressive enough, but clearly lacking—certainly not enough to carry a conversation on the subject. And so, he rolled on to the next best logical choice.

CC Pointer Number Three: Keep the conversation flowing.

(How?)

(Just do it.)

"It's very good," he commented, taking another drink.

He could already start to feel the heat of it flush his face.

Lelouch wasn't much of a wine person—but he would drink it if it was there. It was usually bought by him and consumed by the ladies he was scamming—and only during dinner times.

Glancing at the bottle, he realized with abject terror that he was somehow the one to have drunk more than half the bottle. And—with another glance at his glass—had approximately another quarter to go.

Suzaku smiled at Lelouch (who was steadily getting redder). "Isn't it? So, tell me about yourself. You just moved here. What brought you to Japan?"

The easily rehearsed story flitted through Lelouch's slightly hazy mind and he recited it in his head.

It sounded right.

(Despite his intoxication.)

"My apartment building caught on fire, and I needed to leave the country because someone left me a note saying they were coming to kill me."

For the description of a good thriller book he once read.

Another drink of wine.

Suzaku shook with silent laughter, containing it admirably. "I see. So—"

"What brought you to Japan?"

Suzaku was all smiles now. "I was born here."

Lelouch scoffed—with all the seriousness of someone thoroughly intoxicated (complete with rosy face, irritated eyes full of disbelief at perfectly good explanations, and reason sound enough that anyone completely wasted out of their minds would agree upon).

"That's no excuse."

Lelouch threw the rest of the wine back.

His glass was now empty.

Suzaku could barely contain himself. "I'm sorry. I apologize for circumstances beyond my control."

Lelouch rose from his seat in a rage. "Don't apologize to me! Apologize to Japan! Apologize for breaking the system! Apologize for shooting me in the arm with that damn pellet gun. That hurt you bastard!"
Suzaku was confused.

Yeah, you and me both, buddy.

"Lelouch—"

"Apologize for that pie incident!"

(He'd probably tell you now if you asked nicely enough.)

Nimbly, Suzaku ferreted the remaining bottle of wine away, under the stare of irritable violet eyes, hiding it behind a bouquet of flowers on the ground.

Good choice.

Lelouch started to wobble on his feet as he turning his head away from Suzaku haughtily, folding his arms.

He started to sway but seemed stable enough.

Suzaku was biting his lip to keep the bubbling peals of laughter back. It was a good thing he was sitting otherwise he'd be on the ground shaking with hysterical laughter like someone in the throes of a seizure.

Lelouch rounded on him, slamming both hands on the table, glaring furiously at Suzaku.

"Apologize for Monday! Apologize for her birthday!"

"Lelouch, calm—"

"Apologize to CC!"

"Stop it. Just—"

"Apologize to Nunally!"

"Would you—"

"Apologize for plaid! Apologize to April! Apologize for—"

Suzaku couldn't keep it in anymore and was clutching his stomach, eyes tearing up.

"—socks with sandals! Apologize for chicken soup! Apologize to chocolate! Apolo—"

Line after line of nonsense continued to sputter out of Lelouch's mouth and Suzaku was having a riot. Although he never asked whether someone could actually kill themselves laughing, now he was pretty sure of an answer.

"—third grade! Ap—"

THUMP.

Let it never be said that Lelouch Lamperouge has a high tolerance for alcohol.


And, of course, because no story would be truly complete without this—

"Gone to Japan for something stupid. Be back soon."

- CC and Lelouch

Kallen fisted the note taped to the door angrily. Her blue eyes narrowed in a deadly vehemence that could make puppies cry.

Kicking the door with her shoe, she whipped her cell phone out.

"Naoto! Book me a flight to Japan!"


Comment:

Did you catch that Code Geass: Lost Colors character reference? No? I didn't think so. Anyway, look forward to the next chapter. :)

And please, no hemorrhaging on my desk. I just might be tempted to clean it up instead of writing more (because I really do just make it all up as I go along) and you'll have to live with that guilt for... approximately a week.

And that's never a good thing. ;)

Please R&R.

- Minute Maid

Beverage of Queens.

Destroyer of Expectations.