*3*

When Nikita emerged from her shower, her nerves somewhat soothed by the warm water and Michael's tender embrace before that, she found him sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to her. He seemed to be staring at the windows. When he didn't acknowledge her as she approached she knew his thoughts had taken him miles away. Nikita saw that the clean sheets she'd laid out earlier now covered the mattress and smiled slightly to herself. He'd obviously kept himself busy just like she had when he'd been in the shower. She hitched up the long skirt of her dress a bit and sat on the opposite side of the bed.

The dipping of the mattress dragged Michael from his thoughts. A smile washing his frown away when his eyes fell upon her as she sat down curling one long leg up underneath her, hidden beneath a dark blue, flowing spaghetti-strapped dress. No make-up and her hair brushed to a shine, she was his idea of natural beauty and grace personified - the already fading bruise on her cheek not detracting from it in any way.

"What are you thinking about?", she asked softly.

His smile disappeared as fast as it had come. Time for the hard part. Michael could only hope they would be able to get through this conversation and beyond the rocky path that was their shared past. How could he have been so blind? She was the only thing left in his life that made any sense at all. If he'd opened his eyes sooner he would have known that this had been the truth for a long time already.

Truth, honesty, he owed that to himself and to her. So that is what he would give her and in the meantime there wouldn't be much else for him to do than hope she wouldn't throw it right back into his face as she was very much entitled to do after this latest - for lack of a better word - stunt with Kasim he had pulled.

"Liz and Hayley...", he whispered. His eyes were downcast as he answered her so he didn't notice her closing her eyes and swallowing heavily at the mention of his deceased wife and daughter's names, nerves returning at an alarming speed.

Nikita took a deep breath, his wife and child, she would never be able to compete with them, nor did she want to. She wondered what her place in his heart could be, he'd told her he loved her and she believed him. Still did. But would that be enough? "Will you tell me about them?"

Michael nodded jerkily and took a deep breath before answering, "Lizzy was such a sweet girl. Kind and caring, always putting the well being of others first… You remind me of her in that way…"

Nikita pulled her other leg up on the bed and hugged one knee hidden under her skirt to her chest while she waited for him to go on.

"We met when we were fresh out of high school. She had big plans and dreams for her future. She gave them all up. For me. So I could pursue my career in Naval Intelligence. I didn't ask her to, she just did. She just told me one night that we were supposed to be together and that she knew my dreams of a career in the Navy were fundamental to my happiness and that I was fundamental to hers. So she would find new dreams and make new plans. We got married a few weeks later, right before I was set to leave on my first deployment. She followed me three weeks later and we were happy. It all seemed like one big exciting adventure…" He fell silent for a few seconds, thinking back.

"In a way that was all it was to both of us back then. We were so young, what did we know? We were just starting our life together, planning to raise a big family and Hayley was born only 11 months later."

Nikita opened her eyes when Michael fell silent for a second time. He was still looking down, maybe at his hands. One was clenching the other. She kept quiet and waited for him to continue.

"Lizzy's pregnancy went perfectly but she wanted to come back home to the States to have the baby. I didn't see why. The assignment I was on was going really well but was at a crucial point and if I did well that would mean a step up for me, I couldn't leave for weeks just to have the baby in the US. Lizzy didn't want to have the baby without me and so she stayed and had the baby in Saudi Arabia. Hayley came a little early, we weren't near the base when Lizzy went into labour. It all went so fast we didn't have the chance to get back in time. She had Hayley in a state hospital. Hayley was fine but Lizzy wasn't. She wouldn't stop bleeding and eventually they had to take her into surgery…"

Michael was still clenching his hands and Nikita heard him take a deep breath before continuing.

"The doctors saved her life, but she wouldn't be able to have another baby."

Michael drew in a shuddering breath and Nikita felt so very sorry for him, their dreams of a big family crushed. He obviously blamed himself, maybe Elizabeth had too, but she didn't feel right asking him about that just now. She wanted to reach out to him, offer him support, but wasn't sure he would want her to so she refrained from doing that too.

Michael continued, "Hayley was a model baby and Lizzy recovered quickly. The assignment came to a close and I got offered the post in Yemen. Lizzy hated it there. She would say she was fine, but something was different. She was a wonderful mom, focused all her energy on Hayley but at the same time she lost most of what was left of her sparkle. That's when I decided this should be the last overseas assignment. I would have my pick of bases if the assignment in Yemen would go well. We would be able to go anywhere in the world we wanted and I promised her it wouldn't be long. I promised myself that from then on she and Hayley would come first. Whatever they wanted, I would make sure they got it. I put in the down payment on the house in Hawaii after I came into contact with Kasim. Kasim and his connections seemed to be vital to success, the break I had been searching for…"

Oh Michael. Nikita felt tears pricking her eyes, but didn't let them fall. Michael seemed to have trouble keeping his composure himself.

Nikita still didn't speak, he had told her about the house yesterday in Russia. There she had also learned about Percy visiting him in his hospital room and manipulating him into the ranks of Division, but she sensed there was more Michael wanted to tell her.

Michael had already wanted to be completely honest with Nikita standing in the snow in St Petersburg. To let her decide what she wanted to do. He'd started by telling her a bit about his life with his wife and daughter, about what he'd lost at the hands of Percy. And he'd told her the truth about intending to double cross her. At which point she'd walked away from him. He hadn't been ready to accept that choice though, for the simple reason that there was more to it than that, more he needed her to know.

He'd let Lizzy down. She had given him so much, sacrificed a lot for him, his career, his happiness and in the end she and their daughter had paid the ultimate price. He had let Nikita down too, many times. He was lucky she was still alive. He had been so blind, but not anymore. And so he'd come to her loft last night, wanting to tell her, but not knowing exactly how to. And then one thing led to another and he didn't want to lose her too if he hadn't already and now here they were and he still wasn't sure if he wouldn't lose her and he still hadn't told her everything yet either. She had been quiet throughout and he almost didn't dare look up for fear of what he would see in her eyes. When he did and saw tears shimmering in eyes full of compassion, he found the courage to go on.

"Without Lizzy and Hayley, I had nothing left to live for. I accepted the promise of revenge and the sense of purpose Percy offered through working for Division without thinking much about it. I didn't stop to consider the breakthrough Kasim presented in Yemen. Or the fact that Division was able to track down the most elusive terrorists in the world but not Kasim, for years on end. I did what was asked of me and didn't spend much time questioning things I should have questioned. And then when you came into Division I accepted and followed every order regarding you too. I never took the time to look beyond what I had been offered nine years ago. Avenging my family was the only thing left I could do for them, to honour them as I should have done much more when they were still alive."

Nikita inhaling sharply made him pause for a second. Her stomach clenched at the self recrimination in his words. However, before she could do much more than slightly shake her head at him, he went on.

"Right from the start I knew you were different. I had promised Elizabeth she was the only woman for me and then you came along and slowly but surely I was drawn to you more and more. There was something about you. I enjoyed teaching you too much, I looked forward to sparring with you too much, I worried about you too much and eventually I even tried to keep you out of missions that would be too grueling whenever possible. You intrigued me and as much as I tried to keep some distance between us I couldn't completely stay away. If a few days would pass without us running into each other in Division, I would make something up to make sure we would anyway. I felt conflicted and torn. I couldn't be with you but I also couldn't not see you. It got worse when Percy and Amanda started to suspect I had a different connection to you than just what was deemed appropriate for a mentor and his recruit or asset. They made sure we were alone in St Petersburg and I couldn't help but walk right into their scheme. You looked so beautiful and I wanted you so much. Wanted so much to know what it was like to feel something good again. And then we kissed… and it felt incredibly right and wrong at the same time. I couldn't deal with that. Acting upon my ever growing feelings for you felt like the ultimate betrayal to Elizabeth and Hayley, so when Percy brought up the extended cover…"

"You sent me away…", Nikita's voice was barely above a whisper as her gaze met his.

"I sent you away… ", he confirmed, guilt clouding his green eyes, "It seemed like the only choice I could make to protect you from Percy and Amanda and to stay true to the vow I had made to myself to honour my wife and daughter."

Nikita broke eye contact, "You hurt me."

"I know", he whispered, "I hurt us both."

There was so much she could say to this, but what difference would it make? It was done. He knew what had happened after, how she had dealt with her heartache, how she found comfort in another man's arms on the premise of solidifying her cover. She hadn't been in contact with him, hadn't known how he had been then, but he had known - through Division's surveillance, exactly what her life had been like, how she had let the lie she lived become truth.

"Not having you around was torture and relief at the same time. I missed you, but when you picked up your new life it made it easier for me to stay 'on mission'. I could focus again. Until… You left…After…"

Apparently Michael had trouble voicing what had happened with Daniel. Nikita didn't know what to think about that. Daniel was dead just like Elizabeth and Hayley. She had loved and lost him like he had loved and lost them.

"You were partly right last night when you said we let ourselves be fooled by Division. But most of that falls to me. And I didn't just let myself be fooled, I fooled myself too. I chose to. It made it easier somehow. And the stupidest thing about it, is that I know without a doubt neither Lizzy nor Hayley would have ever wanted me to become what I became. They would have wanted me to find happiness where I could, not to sacrifice who I was for something useless like hate and the need for revenge. I think Lizzy might have seriously hurt me if she'd been here to see. She'd have said something along the way of me being a disrespectful ass, throwing my life away too. She would have been justified", his voice broke on the last word.

"That's why you walked away?" She referred to Michael walking out on Kasim and his revenge, leaving her to deal with him. Michael needed no further clarification, he knew exactly what she meant.

"Yes."

"You dropped the gun at my feet." It sounded like it was meant to, an accusation.

Michael cringed, "I'm sorry Nikita, I'm sorry for almost everything."

Nikita sighed, "I know you are. And I'm sorry too. For getting up and leaving Division the way I did, for not trying harder, for Daniel… But that doesn't change the fact that even after you knew the truth, you left me. Yesterday, in a room with the man that killed your family, your gun dropped at not only my but his feet too. After you sent me on a near suicidal mission to find him for you. On threat of Alex's life." Michael flinched. "You risked a lot Michael."

Michael dropped his head, burying his face in his palms. What else could he possibly say? She was right, what he had done was unforgivable. He sat there trying to collect himself, debating whether he should leave on his own or wait for her to kick him out. Last night had been an error in judgement, they shouldn't have taken refuge in each others arms before they'd talked things out, maybe they shouldn't have fallen into bed with each other at all, or so he thought now. They had definitely put the cart before the horse and now, now he knew what it felt like to love her and be loved by her only to have to lose that too. Before it had good and well started no less. He was an absolute idiot. She was more right than she knew. He had risked a lot, he had risked it all. For nothing yesterday had proven.

"I don't… I can't even… I…", his voice dropped. He had closed his eyes to everything except for what he had wanted to see. He wanted to tell her his eyes were open now and would stay that way, that he wouldn't ever let himself be overtaken like that again… Would never hurt her again. But he couldn't find the right words and so silence surrounded them once more.

Nikita watched him as he sat hunched over on the side of the bed. She was so tired suddenly. Tired of it all. She wasn't angry anymore, she'd already left her anger behind yesterday. She wanted to be sure he was aware of what he had done and why, but she didn't want him to keep suffering because of it. He had suffered enough. And more importantly, to move forward they needed to find common ground again, rebuild their foundation so to speak and go from there. So the question was how to get there. How to get past all the pain and regrets and back to the ease with which they had come together not once but two times last night and then this morning when just the slightest touch had brought peace and comfort for them both?

They should be together, they should have been together a long time ago, Nikita still thought. They were better together. Their bodies knew the truth of that even if their heads hadn't let them comply. Michael had told her he was drawn to her from the moment they met and for her it was the same. How many times had it felt like an almost gravitational pull forced them into each others proximity? It had seemed to happen again and again. But they had not been able to act on it, until last night.

The need to reach out and touch him as he sat there was suddenly overpowering. She couldn't bare to see him struggling alone anymore so she shifted on the bed until she was sitting behind him and tentatively touched her hand to his shoulder.

Michael had been preparing himself for a lot of things that would likely happen next, Nikita reaching out to him in a comforting manner wasn't foremost on his list at all. He couldn't contain a gasp as he felt the warmth of her hand through his shirt. It took him a moment or two to collect himself enough to speak, "Why?".

It sounded choked to Nikita even though he had lifted his head from his hands. He had yet to look at her. It was quite clear to her why he hadn't and what he'd meant with his one-worded question. In a low tone she answered him, "I'm glad you told me all this but I already forgave you for what happened Michael. I did that last night."

At that he turned a bit and finally did look up to her. His red rimmed eyes were filled with surprise. She didn't know what he had been imagining to warrant the surprised look, but she knew what the rest of his face portrayed. Grief. She knew what it looked like from painful firsthand experience and saw it clearly in his features. "Maybe it's time you forgave yourself too?", she continued softly, taking one of his hands in hers and squeezing it lightly while moving her other hand up to gently rub the stiff muscles in his neck. Michael seemed to break at that, his eyes pressing tightly closed and his face scrunching up again.

Feeling her own eyes getting wet in sympathy she pulled him to her, wanting to have him in her arms again, for her own sake as much as his. He let her guide his head to her chest and as she released his hand to do so, he wrapped his arms tightly around her slight waist. Providing comfort like a mother would a child, Nikita rested her cheek on top of his head and simply held him.