"On sleepless roads the sleepless go." -Hear You Me, Jimmy Eat World
disc: don't own it
warnings: slash, non graphic non con
Jack was screaming.
He struggled against the hands holding him down, at the hands ripping at his clothing. This wasn't happening, not to him. Not to him.
There was heavy weight on his chest, and he couldn't breathe, and he knew he was going to die. He was going to suffocate, or die from the pain of being ripped apart from the inside…
His eyes snapped open, the scream dying in his throat, and he shoved desperately at the weight on him.
"Let me go! Let me go!"
The Doctor immediately sat back, removing his hand from Jack's chest, and Jack half turned away from him, his own hand on his breastbone, trying to steady his breathing.
"Jack."
He felt a hand brush his shoulder, and jerked reflexively away.
"Don't touch me!"
He took more deep breaths, trying to reassure himself that he was okay, that he was in Rose's flat with the Doctor, that there were no space pirates. He was okay.
There was a shifting behind him, then the sound of a tap running. A few moments later the Doctor handed him a glass of water and he drank a few sips, wincing at the rawness in his throat.
"Shall I get Rose?" the Doctor asked, voice low, and Jack shook his head.
He hated being seen like this, he wished the Doctor would go away.
"I'm alright," he said, his voice rough. "I'm okay."
He could feel the Doctor behind him, hovering, and finally sat back onto the mattress, so the Doctor could see him.
"I'm fine, it was just a dream."
The Doctor raised an eyebrow.
"Some dream."
"I don't want to talk about it."
The Doctor was quiet for a moment.
"You can, you know. I'll listen."
"I said I don't want to talk about it," Jack snapped.
Without waiting for a reply, he got up and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.
He washed his face with cold water, then looked blankly in the mirror, at the haunted eyes and drawn face that stared back at him.
That had been a bad one. He had felt like he was back in that room, those fucking pirates on top of him. And mixed in had been those stupid, stupid words that wouldn't stop haunting him. That didn't even belong in the dream. I love you. Hold onto that.
God, he hated what this was doing to him. He didn't even recognise himself anymore. The old Jack would never have let something like this defeat him. He would have got on with it, gotten over it. He would have gone to visit the Garahart System, and he would have joined in with the Doctor's stories about the Ananakloogans. He certainly wouldn't have hesitated to flirt with the new Doctor, or Rose's mum, or even Mickey the idiot.
He hated that he didn't seem to know who he was.
There was a soft knock on the door.
"Jack?" Rose's voice floated through. "You okay?"
"I'm fine. Just needed to pee."
There was a slight pause.
"Are you sure?"
"Rose please. Just go back to bed, okay?"
He heard her hesitate some more, then her footsteps leading away, and her bedroom door closing.
When he came out, the Doctor was leaning against the opposite wall, regarding him carefully.
"You know she's only concerned about you."
"No more," Jack said. "Not tonight."
He made to go past him, but the Doctor grabbed his wrist.
"You're not being fair," he said. "You're punishing her for something I did to you."
"I'm not punishing anyone."
"But you are Jack. Because you've frozen us out and now we don't know what to do."
Jack stared past him, at the wall.
"I'm just so tired," he whispered, and he felt like something inside of him was breaking. "I just want it all to go away."
The Doctor sighed.
"Come on."
Jack didn't have the strength to protest as the Doctor placed a gentle arm around him, steering him in the direction of the living room.
He let the Doctor put him back to bed, and found himself almost shuffling closer to him, seeking the warmth of another body in the aftershocks of his nightmare.
He felt the Doctor's hesitation, then an arm carefully curling around him.
"Is this okay?" the Doctor asked.
Jack nodded against his hair.
"Yeah," he murmured. "It's okay."
Something had changed between them. Jack wasn't sure what or even how, but he thought maybe the Doctor was right. This couldn't go on.
When Rose got up the next morning, the first thing she saw when she wandered into the living room was Jack and the Doctor.
They were curled up together on the double mattress, the Doctor on top of the covers, Jack underneath. The Doctor's arm was around Jack, and Jack's head was so close to the Doctor's, the Doctor's hair brushed his cheek.
She'd heard them shouting last night, heard Jack wake screaming from his nightmares. Then Jack had gone into the bathroom, and after that it was quiet again.
Rose wasn't sure how she felt now, as she watched them lie there together. She'd pretended to be fine last night when her mum asked, but truthfully, she found it a little weird.
Hadn't the Doctor always been her Doctor? And now would he be Jack's Doctor? It just didn't seem right.
She made cups of tea as quietly as she could, then carried two into the living room, setting one down so she could shake the Doctor awake. He hadn't been sleeping deeply, and opened his eyes as soon as her hand touched his shoulder. She wondered if he'd been asleep at all.
She nodded to Jack, in his arms.
"Should I wake him?"
The Doctor shook his head.
"Let him sleep. He had a rough night."
She nodded and stood up, trying to ignore the twinge in her chest when the Doctor dropped a gentle kiss onto Jack's forehead, before carefully extracting himself.
Jack shifted a bit, but didn't wake up, and the Doctor took the mug from her, following her back into the kitchen.
"Is he okay?" she asked, when they'd sat down. "I heard him have a nightmare last night. And you were both shouting."
"I don't know," the Doctor said tiredly, staring into his tea. "I think I may have broken some walls down last night, but I honestly don't know. He still won't talk about what happened to him."
Rose bit her lip. She should tell him. She should tell him about the finger marks on Jack's hips, about the bite mark on his shoulder. They way he'd constantly rubbed his lower back after they found him. She should tell him.
But she knew, without a doubt, that that was the last thing Jack would want her to do. If he hadn't told them himself, then he didn't want them to know, simple as that.
Except it wasn't simple. Not at all.
"Maybe he just needs more time," she suggested. "It's only been a few days."
The Doctor looked far away.
"He's so different," he murmured. "It's almost like he isn't the same person."
"He is the same. He's just been through a lot. Don't start pushing him."
"I wasn't planning on it."
"You know, if you guys are gonna talk about me, you could at least make sure I'm actually asleep."
Rose whirled around at the sound of Jack's amused drawl, flushing.
"You're awake."
A shot her a wry grin.
"That's what I just said."
"And you're smiling," she said, then winced. Subtle.
Jack shrugged.
"Yeah well. I slept better last night."
He shot the Doctor an almost imperceptible glance, but Rose caught it.
So she'd been right.
Then Doctor grinned and pushed a mug of still hot tea towards him.
"Drink up. Lots to do today."
"What are we doing?" Rose asked.
"I thought we might go shopping, now you've got your trusty shopping partner back."
"On New Year's Eve?" Rose asked. "You must be joking. Nope, the only thing I plan on doing today is watching lots of TV." She mock glared at him. "You can travel through time and space but you can't get an episode of Eastenders? What sort of useless is that?"
She gave them a sideways look around her hair.
"Although, if you happened to be in town and wanted to pick me up a few things…"
Jack rolled his eyes.
"Alright. We'll go. Let you watch your primitive 21st century television in peace."
She pretended to throw a piece of toast at him.
"Well you'd better hurry up if you want the shower. They'll be no hot water left by the time my mum's finished in there."
"That sounds like my cue," Jack said, and headed towards the bathroom.
"Towels in the airing cupboard!" Rose called after him.
She looked at the Doctor.
"He seems good, better."
He nodded.
"Now we just have to see how long it lasts."
Jack had come to a decision.
Standing there, in the shower, he knew exactly what it was he had to do. He had woken up calmer this morning, the idea already in his mind, and as he listened to Rose and the Doctor talk, he'd summoned the strength to get out of bed, to act normal, to show them a flash of the old Jack.
Now, as he washed his hair, he realised that after this there would be no turning back.
The Doctor took Jack out shopping, as they had promised Rose, and squinted at the long list she'd given him.
"Good grief. We might need an elephant to carry this back," he joked, as they got off the bus. (Rose had insisted they use public transport instead of the TARDIS. He wasn't sure why. Something to do with 'experiencing the culture.' Ha. The Doctor had experienced culture Rose couldn't even dream of.)
Jack was looking around distractedly.
"Jack?"
He walked a little way down a packed Oxford Street, then turned to the Doctor.
"Come on."
"But Rose wants us to go to Topshop…"
The Doctor trailed off uncertainly. Something was wrong here. Jack loved Topshop.
"Later," Jack said, and the Doctor had no choice but to follow him.
They wove their way through several narrow streets leading off the main one, and Jack stopped outside a dingy looking pub.
"Thirsty?"
"A little early, isn't it?"
Jack shrugged and went inside. The Doctor followed with a sigh.
They bought drinks and Jack led him to a table in the corner. It didn't escape the Doctor's notice that the pub was quiet and secluded, that their table, hidden behind a large plant, offered them some privacy.
Jack was tapping his fingers on the table top.
"What's going on?" the Doctor asked.
"Would you do something for me, Doctor. Something very important, that only you can do?"
The Doctor regarded him carefully.
"Depends what it is."
Jack was silent for a long moment.
"I need you to find me a way off this planet."
The Doctor stared at him.
"So I'm guessing you don't want me to come with you."
Jack stubbornly avoided his eyes.
"Oh I see. You don't want us anymore."
"It's not like that," Jack snapped.
"Then what is it like?" the Doctor asked. "Believe it or not Jack, we came back for you because we wanted to, because we care about you and we wanted you with us."
"What about what I want?" Jack asked. "Maybe I didn't want you to come back for me. Maybe I just want you to leave me alone!"
There was a tense pause.
"Please," Jack said finally. "If you want to help me, find me a way out of here. Just let me go."
The Doctor tried to keep his face impassive as he struggled with his feelings.
He didn't want Jack to go, he didn't want him to leave, and it was selfish, yes, but after last night he had been hoping that maybe Jack wouldn't want to go either.
"You can't just go," he said, and was ashamed to hear the slight desperation in his own voice.
"I'm leaving Doctor," Jack said. "With or without your help. But it would be a hell of a lot easier with it."
The Doctor looked at him, and he recognised the old Jack, the Jack who was stubborn and determined and wouldn't let anyone get in his way.
"Okay," he said. "I'll help you."
What choice did he have?
By the time the Doctor got back to Rose's, it was early evening, and each step he took was heavy and disheartened.
He opened the door and was immediately assaulted by a wave of noise, of Rose and her mum having an argument, of more female voices in the background.
A moment later, Rose stomped out into the hallway, looking annoyed.
"I told her we wanted to have a quiet night in, but did she listen? Now she's invited practically the whole neighbourhood round!" She frowned, looking past him. "Where's Jack?"
He wasn't sure how to tell her.
"He's gone," he said finally.
Rose looked unsure.
"Gone where?"
He shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant.
"Not sure. Somewhere. He didn't want to say."
She took a step toward him, her tone dangerous.
"Doctor? What have you done?"
He sighed.
"I let him go."
"What do you mean you let him go? Let him go where? He can't have just gone!"
"He has."
"Then go and find him! Bring him back!"
"I can't."
"Yes you can! He belongs here, with us. Why did you let him go anywhere?!"
"What did you expect me to do, Rose?" he shouted. "Did you expect me keep watching him, day after day, with that tired, pained expression on his face? Did you expect me to refuse him anything he asked of me? What should I have done?"
He wanted it to go away. He wanted Jack here, not half the way across the universe. Everything was wrong.
Rose was crying, and he opened his arms to her, folding her into his embrace.
"I'm sorry," he murmured. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't make him stay."
She nodded against his chest.
"I know," she sobbed. "I just want everything to be how it was before."
"Me too," he whispered. "Me too."
Eventually, she dried her tears and they went into her room, sitting on the bed.
"So what happened?" she asked.
"He asked me to do a scan for alien tech," he said. "There was a signal, south from here, near Plymouth. Probably a traveller, like us. He said he was going to see if he could hitch a ride."
"And that was it?"
He nodded, feeling empty.
"He didn't even say goodbye, not properly."
Last time they'd had to say goodbye Jack had kissed him. This time he'd given him a sideways look, muttered 'thanks' and walked away.
"I didn't think you knew how to scan for alien tech," Rose murmured, but the Doctor couldn't bring himself to bother replying.
"He's not coming back now, is he?" she asked.
He shook his head.
"No, I don't think he is."
She looked at him then, her eyes glassy with tears.
"You cared about him, I mean, really cared."
It wasn't a question, but the Doctor answered anyway.
"I think I may have. But now I'll never know."
She turned away, and he saw the flash of pain, of rejection, on her face.
He wanted to tell her he was sorry, to explain that he couldn't help it, he just felt differently now, his body reacted differently, but didn't have the chance before she turned back to him with a watery smile.
"Well I'm sorry for you."
"Thanks."
He thought he might be having a bit of a surreal moment.
Rose was telling him she was sorry he hadn't had a chance to cop off with Jack, even though he'd been sort of in love with her a few weeks ago, because Jack had decided he was too depressed to be around them anymore after he lost his memory and was kidnapped by space pirates.
It was like an episode of that awful programme Rose was always ogling the boys on. What was it? The O.C.?
"And now we have this stupid party," Rose said. "It doesn't seem like there's much to celebrate if you ask me."
The Doctor nodded in agreement.
"At least you get to spend the evening with Mickey," he pointed out.
Rose sighed.
"Yeah. But he's been acting a bit weird. Sort of secretive. I think he's seeing someone."
"Ah. You alright with that?"
She shrugged.
"I don't suppose I have a right not to be. I can't expect him to put his life on hold for me." Her eyes darkened slightly. "He'd just better not be bringing her tonight."
"Or him," the Doctor put in helpfully.
Rose snorted.
"Doubt it."
"Well, you never know."
She laughed.
"I can just imagine it now, Mickey with that bloke from Queer as Folk. You know, that one who always wears pink t shirts and likes to plan parties?"
The Doctor gave her a blank look.
"You've lost me."
"Yeah, I'm not surprised. It's more Jack's sort of thing."
Her smile faded, as she realised what she'd just said.
"Well," the Doctor said brightly. "Best go out there and help your mum. After all, she's throwing us a party, seems rude not to."
Rose nodded.
"I'll be out in a minute."
The Doctor shut the door behind him, and for a moment just leant against the wall, battling his emotions. He wasn't supposed to feel like this. He wasn't supposed to feel anything.
Last night, Jack had said he hated him, hated him for making him care.
The Doctor was beginning to understand what he meant.
The evening wore on, and he helped Jackie put frozen vol au vaunts and mini quiches in the oven.
Rose came out a bit later, dressed in a floaty green dress with her hair pinned up, and her mum oohed and aahed over how lovely she looked.
People arrived, and Rose's mum didn't introduce him as Rose's boyfriend once.
All in all, things were going okay.
Until Mickey turned up, that is.
He was late, past half eleven by the time he got there. Rose had been trying to reach him on his mobile, but it was switched off.
When he walked in the door, the Doctor watched Rose's face light up, then a massive smile exploded as she caught sight of the figure behind him.
"Oh my God! Shireen!"
She enveloped the other girl in a huge hug, and it wasn't until she'd stepped back that the Doctor got a good look at her.
She was a thin, Indian girl, with straight black hair and a slightly large nose. The Doctor thought she looked nervous, and her eyes kept flitting between Rose and Mickey.
"Doctor!" Rose cried excitedly. "This is my best mate, Shireen. Shireen, this is the Doctor."
Shireen stared at him.
"Doctor Who?" she asked.
For once, Rose grinned at the question.
"Just the Doctor. We've been travelling together."
"Yeah I know. He's your new boyfriend, isn't he?"
"Oh, and we were doing so well," the Doctor muttered.
"Quiet you," Rose replied. "He's not my boyfriend."
Shireen looked slightly put out.
"Oh. Mickey said…"
"Don't believe anything Mickey says," Rose protested with a laugh, shooting Mickey a glance. The Doctor noticed he was rubbing his palms on his jeans.
"Come on," Rose said, taking Shireen's arm. "Let's go and get a drink."
Shireen shot Mickey a slightly desperate look over her shoulder as Rose practically dragged her into the living room.
Mickey stood awkwardly in the hallway with the Doctor.
"So, what's going on between you two, then?"
"Nothing!" Mickey snapped defensively.
"Going off with her best friend. Not exactly a smart move, is it?"
Mickey glared at him.
"Not that it's any of your business. Besides, what does she expect me to do? Sit around and wait for her forever? She's out there with you."
He almost spat the last word out, and the Doctor was slightly taken aback by his aggression.
"You do know there's nothing going on between us, don't you?"
Mickey scoffed.
"She's in love with you."
The Doctor shook his head.
"You've got it completely wrong, Mickey. And even if she did love me before, she doesn't now."
Mickey looked confused.
"But you're the same person."
"Well yes. But also, no. I'm still the Doctor, but I'm not the same Doctor I was before. I have different thoughts, attitudes, feelings. And believe me, it's not Rose I'm interested in."
Mickey was giving him a sideways look.
"And Rose?"
"She understands," he replied, fairly certain that he was telling the truth. After all, Rose knew how he felt about Jack, didn't she?
Not that that's exactly an issue anymore, he thought sadly.
"I do love her," Mickey said softly. "But I can't keep waiting around for her."
The Doctor hesitated.
"The offer still stands, you know. You could come with us."
But Mickey was already shaking his head.
"Na. I don't think I'd enjoy it too much. I'm not like you and her."
He bit his lip for a minute, watching Rose laugh with Shireen, then blinked suddenly.
"Hey, where's Captain Innuendo?"
The Doctor kept his face impassive.
"Jack's gone."
"Gone where?"
"Oh, I don't know. Probably somewhere far across the universe where there are lots of men, women and unidentified genders that he has yet to seduce."
He tried to keep his tone light, but knew he was failing miserably. Mickey was watching him closely.
"But I thought you said he was all messed up and stuff. That that was why you'd come here, to give him a bit of a rest."
"He was," the Doctor said softly. "I suppose we just couldn't help him anymore."
Mickey didn't reply to that, and the Doctor forced himself to smile cheerfully.
"Well, we'd better go and join them. It'll be midnight in ten minutes."
Mickey winced.
"Yeah, and I promised Shireen I'd tell Rose about me and her before then."
"Rather you than me. Good luck."
Mickey gave him a rueful smile, and they went into the living room, accepting a glass of fizzy wine each from Jackie.
The Doctor just fiddled with his, never having had much a taste for Earth alcohol, and watched as Mickey squared his shoulders and walked up to Rose, taking her into a corner.
They stayed there for five minutes, and then suddenly Rose looked up at Shireen, her eyes blazing.
"Oh," the Doctor muttered to no one in particular. "Here comes trouble."
Rose marched up to Shireen, her hands on her hips.
"So, is it true?"
Shireen shot Mickey a nervous glance.
"Yeah," she said. "It is."
Rose was staring at her disbelief.
"But you're my best mate."
Shireen bit her lip.
"Rose, it wasn't-"
"What? Were you just waiting for a chance?" Rose interrupted. "Just waiting to sink your claws into him?"
"Hey!" Mickey protested from behind her, but both girls ignored him.
"You left Rose," Shireen snapped. The room had gone suddenly quiet. "You left him and didn't even tell him why! What did you expect him to do? Remain miserable and lonely until you'd decided you'd had enough of your sugar daddy over there and come crawling back to him?"
"Hey!" This time it was the Doctor protesting, but no one even bothered looking in his direction.
"Oh and I suppose you just conveniently happened to be there for him?"
"Yeah, actually I was."
Jackie stepped hesitantly forward.
"Girls, it's almost midnight. Perhaps you could just-"
"Mum, stay out of this," Rose snapped. She glared at Shireen, her hand tightening on her wine glass. "There's only one thing I have left to say to her anyway."
And with that, she tossed her glass of cheap sparkling wine in Shireen's face.
There was a collective gasp from around the room, then a moment of tense silence as Shireen calmly wiped the drink out of her eyes.
Rose stared defiantly at her, daring her to retaliate.
"You bitch," Shireen said, then she launched herself at Rose.
Pandemonium broke out.
Rose and Shireen were rolling around on the floor, Shireen with a fistful of Rose's hair and Rose trying to bite Shireen's arm, while Jackie ran around them in a circle, screaming at them to stop. Mickey tried to break them apart, but only succeeded in getting hit in the nose, which then started to bleed, and someone decided it would be a good idea to throw more fizzy wine at them all.
The Doctor was actually quite enjoying himself, and almost missed the sound of the door opening in the hullabaloo.
He turned, and found Jack framed in the doorway.
The noise of the fight faded to a dim racket as Jack took a few steps towards him, looking tired and nervous as hell.
"Hi," he said.
The Doctor gaped at him.
"I thought you were-"
"Yeah, me too. I couldn't."
He took a few more steps down the hallway, and the Doctor moved forward too, going to meet him.
"What made you change your mind?"
Jack shrugged.
"I don't know. I guess I didn't want to leave you, not really." He looked hesitant. "I never did thank you, for coming back for me. For rescuing me." He grimaced slightly. "Wow, makes it sound like you're my knight in shining armour."
The Doctor laughed and closed the distance between them, standing close to Jack, but not touching him.
"I'll be glad to do it, anytime."
Jack smiled, exhaustedly.
"Guess it's finally time to stop running away then."
He blinked suddenly, looking past the Doctor, to the noise in the living room.
"What's going on in there? Sounds like a bullfight."
The Doctor grinned.
"Rose just found out her best mate's been going out with Mickey. She threw wine on her."
Jack's eyes sparkled in a way the Doctor hadn't seen for a while.
"Can we go and watch?"
They stood in the doorway, and no one looked up at their presence, engrossed in the fight which was still going on. Mickey was now sitting on the settee, groaning and holding his nose, which had spurted blood all down the front of his white t-shirt. Jackie was pulling on one of Shireen's hands, the other of which was still wrapped in Rose's hair. Rose's arm was around Shireen's neck, trying to keep her on a choke hold, but Shireen kept kicking her in the shins.
"Wow," Jack murmured.
"Yeah," the Doctor agreed.
On the TV, they were reporting live from Westminster, showing the huge, glowing face of Big Ben, then panning out to the crowds on the street, who were standing in a huge circle in Parliament Square, all linking arms and shouting "Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven!"
"The countdown," Jack murmured.
He turned to look at the Doctor, and the Doctor realised how close they were.
"Six! Five!"
Shireen was screaming as Rose started pulling her hair.
"Four! Three!"
Mickey was moaning, and Jackie, having given up on the girls, was trying to stop his nose bleeding.
"Two! ONE! Happy New Year!!"
"Happy New Year," Jack said.
"Happy New Year," the Doctor replied.
They kissed, a gentle, brief touch of lips on lips, but the Doctor felt it all the way down to his toes.
"Does this mean you're staying then?" he asked.
Jack nodded, smiling, but his eyes were serious.
"Yeah," he said. "I'm staying."
On the TV, Big Ben finished chiming. The Doctor saw Jackie look up.
"Oh," she said. "We missed it."
The Doctor grinned.
He hadn't missed anything.
tbc
