Hey guys! I am so sorry for taking so long to upload! I literally just completely lost track of time! These past weeks have been insane! Thank you for your reviews up until now! It really means a lot to me! Here you have chapter 7!
Also, I'm probably going to upload another AU Stucky fanfiction that I finished a few months back as well if you guys want to read it.
Anywho, happy reading~
Chapter 7
The house was a quaint little house. It looked like something that could have come straight out of a movie what with its white panelled walls and balcony out front. Flowers bloomed all over the garden and in neat rows in front of the porch. The stones Bucky and Steve had helped her put down years ago led the way from the white picket fence all the way to the narrow stairs leading up to the balcony and to the front door. She had added some flowerpots to the balcony, along with a small white bench that had yellow sunflower cushions on it. He could picture her sitting on that bench, reading a good book while people-watching during the busy morning. The window to the kitchen was open and the smell of freshly baked cookies wafted towards him, wanting to make him smile. This would be a happy occasion if only the circumstances were different. He'd have jogged along that stone path, up to the porch and come on Stevie! You're so slow! I bet she's waitin' for us already!
He opened the small garden gate and made his way along the path to the balcony slowly. He peered through the window next to the front door but he couldn't spot her yet. He knocked on the door twice before stepping back and running his large hand through his dead straight hair in a nervous habit. "Coming!" Came the singsong reply from inside. Steve listened to her footsteps before the door was opened, at first only a crack and then all the way. He stood there for a moment, feeling nothing short of awkward before two frail arms were spread out to wrap him in a tight hug. He gladly accepted the warm embrace, letting his head down on her shoulder with a heavy-hearted sigh. She smelt of roses with a hint of lavender, a perfume she liked to wear. Her grey hair was pinned up, the black pins standing in strong contrast to her white locks. She had aged since the last time Steve had seen her and he felt guilty for the fact that he'd waited so long to visit her again. After Bucky was gone, Steve had visited her as seldom as possible- her house held too many once fond and now excruciatingly painful memories of a time where everything had been better. "Steve." She let him go, giving him a critical once over, "I haven't seen you in such a long time. You don't look well."
"Hello to you too Pegs." He gave her a crooked smile that only made her frown deepen. She took a hold of his hand, tugging him indoors determinedly as if she were afraid that if she didn't, he'd just turn and leave again. Steve knew that all he had to do was lean back and that would stop Peggy Carter right in her tracks but he let her tug him through the short corridor and into her cosy living room. He sat down on her white couch, listening to a song that was no doubt written in the 1900's playing in the background. The living room hadn't changed at all! There were a few white shelves hung up against the walls between the windows. Atop one of those shelves, between small statues and other ornaments, Steve spotted a framed picture of a young version of himself with his frail arm slung across Bucky's shoulder. The two of them were grinning as though they had just won a prize.
The entire colour scheme of the living room was made of whites and cream colours that made the room look a lot bigger than it actually was.
Without a word, the elderly lady disappeared into the kitchen and returned with a pot of tea a few minutes later. She placed two porcelain cups down on the glass coffee table and poured Steve some tea. "Thank you." He nodded gratefully. Peggy knew that Steve always drank his tea without milk or sugar so that made it a little simpler for her. "Talk to me Steve." She demanded gently, taking a seat next to him and putting a hand on his thigh.
"I honestly don't know where to start Pegs." He admitted ruefully, attempting another half-hearted smile that faltered almost as soon as it had appeared. "From the beginning. One word at a time. I have all afternoon and tea to spare so take your time." He took a moment to look at her, taking in the caring look on her face and the warmth that shone from her bright brown eyes. She was beautiful, really she was. He could remember seeing photos of what she had looked like at Steve's age. Steve could imagine that he'd have fallen hopelessly in love with her had they been the same age. She was the type of person you wished only the best for. Peggy, despite the second World War and losing her husband quite some time ago, had lived a fulfilled life and had never forgotten how to smile through it all. She was one of the strongest women Steve knew. She was a woman who'd had to fight for a lot but hadn't regretted the need to even after all these years.
"You remember Bucky, right?" At the mention of Bucky's name, a wave of sadness washed over her delicate features she nodded dolefully.
"How could I possibly forget him for just one second?" her voice cracked and she cleared her throat before adding: "Is this because of him?"
Steve nodded, pursing his lips. Peggy prepared herself to comfort Steve over the loss of his best friend just as she had done four years ago when Steve had knocked on her door with puffy eyes, gasping for air.
She thought of thousands of comforting things to say about death and that life goes on but then Steve said something that shook her up more than anything had in a long time. "He's back."
"What… what do you mean?" She sat up a little straighter, eyes trembling "What exactly do you mean Steven?"
"They found him. After all these years he's alive Peggy! He's just… different."
"Tell me exactly what happened Steve! Every. Single. Detail!"
And so he told her the entire story about the things that had happened over the past two months and as he did, he felt the weight of it all lift off of his tired shoulders. He told her about how he had found out that Bucky was still alive, about their first few encounters, about how different Bucky was now, watching a look of horror spread over Peggy's beautiful face. The elderly lady covered her mouth with a hand when Steve began telling her about what had been done to Bucky while he had been held captive and by the time he was done, she was crying.
It took a lot to make Peggy Carter cry, Steve knew that, and so it broke his heart even more to see Peggy so sad. He knew that she loved Bucky, just as much as she loved Steve. Steve and Bucky were like her very own grandchildren. "That poor boy." She whispered sorrowfully, "He had so much potential. He was always smiling, always happy… always good. That boy was a blessing to the both of us! Why did they do that to him? Why Bucky of all people?!" Steve wrapped her up in his arms, letting her lean into him as much as she wanted. She was a light weight against his chest and Steve realized that she had gotten a little weaker since the last time he had seen her. The woman continued to cry for the both of them for quite some time before she managed to compose herself. Although he hadn't been the one crying, Steve still felt drained by then. "I am so sorry Steve." She lifted her hand to wipe away a traitorous tear that had escaped Steve's blue eye, caressing his cheek with her soft, wrinkly hand, "This must be so difficult for you." She added.
"I'm fine." He insisted and she raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow sceptically.
"Steve… it's alright not to be fine sometimes."
"I know that." He insisted, looking down at his hands that were pulling at a loose strand on his dark blue t-shirt, "But admitting that I'm not fine isn't going to help Bucky get better."
"And neither will pretending that you're fine until you fall apart." She insisted sternly, "You won't do him much good if you end up breaking down"
"You're right Peggy, I know you are but… who else is supposed to help him?"
"There is no one else that could help him Steve." She smiled gently, taking a hold of his hand again and squeezing it gently, "There's something else on your mind though, isn't there?" He nodded a reply, returning the faint smile she was giving him.
"I just don't know what to do." He admitted, "Ever since Colonel Rhodes told me about what he's done, I can't look at him anymore."
"Understandably so." She nodded, turning to pick up her cup to take a sip. Steve followed suit, having almost forgotten about his tea completely. It was an Earl Grey, a tea that Peggy had taken a particular liking to. They sat in silence for a little while, each of them thinking about Bucky and about the things Steve had just shared. Steve could hear the ticking of the clock in Peggy's kitchen and he vaguely wondered what time it was. After another moment of thought, Peggy broke the familiar, comfortable silence. "Do you remember that incredibly hot summer when you and Bucky came over to help me in the garden but you ended up playing with my water sprinkler instead?" SHe asked him with a fond smile. Steve let out a huff of air in a half-hearted attempt at a laugh, lowering his eyes while he let the memory play back in his mind like an old, dusty record.
It had been so painstakingly hot that day. Bucky and Steve had wanted to help Peggy, really they had, but then they discovered the water sprinkler. "Come on Stevie! You wanna cool down or what? 'Swear you're gonna die of a heatstroke if ya keep insisting on working in this heat." That's what Bucky had said while he'd hurried to turn on the tap to start the sprinkler. It had been the excited grin on Bucky's face that had eventually convinced Steve to go along with it and honestly he had thought that it had been Bucky's best idea yet! They'd spent all afternoon running through the sprinkler, laughing and tackling each other in play fights. Peggy had eventually joined them in the garden a little farther away from the sprinkler. Stray droplets of water, carried by the breeze had wafted over to her, sprinkling her in a cool hue of fresh water.
"I remember." Steve nodded, "We had so much fun." The smile on his face was broken, sad and it broke Peggy's heart to see. She wanted nothing more than to put the two boys from Brooklyn back together, to mend them and make them happy again, the way they were that summer. Because they deserved it! They deserved it more than anyone Peggy knew. "When you see him again, think of that day instead. Yes, Bucky did some horrible things, things that no one should ever do but-," She paused, taking a sip of tea before continuing, "Bucky didn't have a choice in the matter from what you tell me."
"Yes but-."
"I wasn't finished young man." She chided playfully, "Now imagine what Bucky must be going through." At that Steve's heart felt like it had missed a beat and dropped right to the pit of his stomach and his mouth fell open slightl. Peggy waited for a moment, letting her last sentence sink in before speaking up again calmly. "The more he regains of his old self, the more he realizes what he's done. You're right, Bucky would never do the things that he was forced to do but yet he knows that he did them. Who knows, he probably remembers all of it and has to live with the memory of having killed so many innocent people. It's like when you wake up from a bad dream and you realize that it was only a dream. You're relieved, knowing that it was but a nightmare; that it wasn't real. Just that in Bucky's case… it wasn't a dream. He keeps waking up screaming just to realize that it didn't stop after he woke up- that it's all still there and all still real. What I'm trying to say Steve, is that Bucky needs you. More than he's ever needed you and don't get me wrong, Bucky has always, always needed you."
"But I can't look at him!" Steve raised his voice helplessly, feeling as though his emotions were strangling him, "How am I supposed to help him if I can't look him in the eye without seeing the blood on his hands? The last time I looked at him I vomited all over the floor in front of a dozen policemen!"
"You can help him by looking at Bucky." The simplicity of that statement left Steve speechless and gaping, "Remember what I said earlier? When you see Bucky again, think of that summer's day. That's the Bucky you need to be looking at."
Steve returned to Bucky's apartment in the early evening with a bag full of freshly baked cookies and some plums that Peggy had given him especially for Bucky. She had made him promise to bring Bucky by when he was feeling better. It was comforting to know that someone else knew the Bucky from four years ago; that Steve wasn't all alone with that. Sometimes he felt like he was crazy, chasing a phantom that had never existed. He would look at old photos he still had of Bucky or the two of them together, reminding himself that Bucky really had been different once, that all of that hadn't just been a bizarre dream that he'd now woken up from.
Steve had been staring at the door for a good five minutes now, trying to get himself to just open the damn door and go inside. He hadn't seen Bucky since the incident in the police station. Today marked the third day since Rhodey had told Steve the unbearably bad news about Bucky. While Steve had been led back to a bathroom at the back of the station after throwing up, Sam had been put in charge of getting Bucky back to his apartment. Steve didn't know how that had worked out for Sam, whether Bucky had been cooperative or not. All Sam had told him was to rest up and give himself time to digest everything he'd been told before attempting to talk to Bucky again.
Steve's mind came back to the present and he sighed. He'd been staring that door down for far too long but he just didn't know if he could do what Peggy had told him to. He'd be lying if he said that he hadn't missed Bucky or hadn't worried about him. Worrying about Bucky was pretty much all Steve had done since he'd held those dog tags in his hands for the first time. He caught himself wondering how Bucky had taken the whole thing. He'd been left alone since the incident and the thought made Steve feel extremely guilty. With a defeated sigh Steve pushed the key into the lock, feeling his shoulders tense when the lock clicked open. He pushed the door open slowly, stepping over the threshold and stopping in the entrance once the door was closed behind him. "Bucky, it's me- Steve." He called out. Sam had told him that it was of utmost importance that Bucky knew who was entering and leaving his apartment at all times. He kicked off his brown boots and hung up his matching leather jacket on the clothes hook by the door, making sure to slide the apartment key back into the inside pocket of the jacket. The last thing he needed was to accidentally lock himself out of Bucky's apartment. He listened out for any noises but the apartment was so still that it was almost eerie. The sun had disappeared behind the tall buildings surrounding them and dark shadows were creeping along the wooden panels on the floor, swallowing up the kitchen in the corner of the room as well as the short corridor leading to bedroom and bathroom.
His hand tightened around the straps of the cloth bag he was carrying with the things form Peggy. He looked around one last time knowing all too well that Bucky could be so still that you would literally have to look twice to even really register him in the room. It was frightening and deemed as proof of the strict training Bucky had had to endure under Hydra's watch. Once he was sure that Bucky wasn't in the living area, he made his way to his bedroom.
The room was dark, the curtains having been drawn, banishing any traces of light that the vanishing sun was still offering. Steve left the door open behind him and the metal of Bucky's arm reflected the light coming from the living area. From the way the light bounced off of the arm, Steve could see that Bucky wasn't moving. He listened closely, picking up on Bucky's calm breath. For a moment he thought that maybe Bucky had gone to sleep but Steve knew that he wouldn't have slept through Steve opening and closing the front door. Sadly, Bucky's hypervigilance didn't stop when he fell asleep. Steve took a moment to compose himself before speaking up, thinking about Bucky! Bucky from that summer day! "Hey buddy." Steve cleared his throat when his voice came out rough and strained, "I got some cookies from an old friend of ours. She even gave me some plums to give to you. You won't remember, but you loved plums back then, especially hers."
No reply.
It was difficult to judge the situation without really being able to see anything except for Buck's outline. A little voice in his head told him to keep it that way, to avoid having to look at Bucky, look at the man who had killed so many- but no! He had to look! If he didn't look, how was he supposed to see Bucky?
"Listen Buck, I'm going to put on the light alright? If you don't want me to, say so." He waited for a moment with nothing but his slightly rushed heartbeat to drown out the silence hitting his ears. When he was sure that Bucky hadn't said anything or made a move to do anything, he sat down on the edge of the bed and leant over to the lamp on the bedside table on his side. The LED lamp flickered once, twice before illuminating the room in its white light. Steve had to squint for a moment before his eyes adjusted. His back was facing Bucky so he was still unable to look at Bucky. Steve took his time, knowing that Bucky would wait. He thought back to the conversation he had had with Peggy, realizing then how silly he had been. Bucky had been confined to this apartment, all alone with his thoughts, nightmares and memories that were coming back like a blizzard, sending him into a confused panic sometimes. How could Steve have left him to himself for three whole days? God who the hell cared about what Bucky had done? He needed his help now so why had Steve been so selfishly stupid?! He regretted his refusal to see Bucky with all his heart now. He wouldn't even hold it against Bucky if he was mad at Steve for it. Hell, if Bucky felt the need to punch him for being such a jerk then Steve would gladly let him do it, metal arm and all.
He turned to Bucky now with a determined frown, his eyes ready to take in whatever Bucky was going to tell him with his body language. Bucky was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling with empty eyes. His hair was splayed out over the cushion that he had unceremoniously stuffed underneath his head. His right arm was resting on his abdomen while his metal hand drew calming circles on the back of his right. As for his body language- it was telling him absolutely nothing! Steve realized that his initial inability to look at Bucky had been doomed to stay nothing but a short-lived problem that could have been resolved two days ago. When he looked at Bucky now, all he could see were the visible and invisible scars on his body, on his Bucky's body. He saw a tortured man, forced to do things that he would never have done had he had any inkling of a say in the matter. He could look at Bucky for hours, days. It was painful yes, but his body was like a canvas that told a long, tremendously sad story that was worth listening to. He wanted to trace every scar on Bucky's body with his fingers to show Bucky that yes, he did see them but he still found Bucky just as beautiful as he had been when he was all smiles and charms. He was still Bucky after all…
When he realized that Bucky still hadn't so much as acknowledged Steve's presence, his chest tightened and he felt a pool of anxiety build up in the pit of his stomach. He had hurt Bucky by leaving him all alone. He had to make things better. He had to be there for Bucky like he should have been all along. He wanted Bucky to look at him again, to talk to him again. "I'm sorry for leaving you for so long. I needed time to work through everything before facing you again." Steve admitted. He decided, as he so often did, to take the honest route. Steve studied Bucky's eyes anxiously but they stayed indifferent and empty, almost as if they were made out of beautiful, steel-blue marble. "Bucky? C'mon look at me Buck." Bucky's eyes shifted to Steve and the latter held his breath for a moment. There was unmistakable recognition in his eyes and yet he was resigned and distant, like talking to a stranger he had once known a very long time ago. "I really don't know what else you want me to say Buck." Steve ran his hand through his hair while Bucky stayed silent until he saw frustration creep onto Steve's handsome face. "I don't know either." Bucky said, so quietly that Steve almost missed it. Steve slouched down visibly, lifting his legs and crossing them in front of himself, now facing Bucky completely. "I really am sorry." Steve said earnestly, "It was just… a lot more than I could handle in one day. The things they did to you… it shook me up more than I had given it credit for. I wasn't planning on leaving you for good, I promise! I was going to come back. I always will Bucky. There's no way I'll ever let you slip through my fingers again." Steve let out a breathy laugh when Bucky still refused to talk to him properly. Steve figured that he probably deserved the silent treatment but that didn't make it easier to bear, "Come on Bucky! Please, talk to me. Say something. I'm going crazy here!" Steve only just barely noticed something in Bucky shift before his mouth opened. "I was going to tell you." Bucky muttered, "It's what I dream about every night."
"About the people you've killed?" When Bucky nodded, Steve cringed.
"I remember all of them."
Steve let out a slow breath, letting that sink in for a minute. He couldn't possibly imagine what Bucky must be going through. He couldn't imagine what it must be like to have his dreams invaded by the haunting faces of the innocent people that he had killed; to remember the life draining out of each of their eyes as they stared at him. The thought made Steve's skin crawl. No… there definitely was no way that Steve could possibly imagine what amount of pain Bucky must be going through on a daily basis. The more he gained of his old self again, the more his past as the Winter Soldier was bound to hurt him. Not remembering anything, not remembering the meaning of morals and values made everything a lot less agonizing for him.
Remembering was painful.
"It wasn't you." Steve said the first thing that came to his mind and before he could stop them, words came bubbling out of his mouth, "So I don't care. What they made you do… it wasn't right! The Winter Soldier killed all those people, not you! So… I don't hate you and I don't think any less of you. You're still Bucky and nothing is ever going to change what you mean to me." That's when Steve had made up his mind: he was gonna stick this out with Bucky. He was going to stay at Bucky's side, 'til the end of the line, no matter what.
"You don't have to say anything." Steve assured Bucky who was staring into Steve's eyes calmly, "I don't expect you to, really. I just wanted you to know all that."
"I'll remember." Bucky promised and Steve found himself grinning like a fool.
"You better." Steve joked and with a gentle smile. He hadn't expected much of a reaction out of Bucky so when Bucky smirked at him, the way he used to, Steve almost let his mouth drop to the floor. It was the exact same smirk! The smirk that curved up the corners of his mouth in a way that melted all the girls' hearts. It was the smirk that Bucky would always give Steve when he was teasing him about God knows what while Steve fought his sometimes angry and sometimes flustered blush.
"What are you smirking at you jerk?" Steve found that he was slightly breathless.
"You're such a punk Stevie." Bucky replied without missing a single beat and for a moment Steve forgot himself. He forgot the fact that Bucky was no longer that sassy guy from four years ago. He forgot the pain, the struggle of the past months and he forgot that they were no longer two teenagers in Brooklyn. His arms stretched out towards Bucky and scooped him up in one strong movement and before Steve could stop himself, he was hugging Bucky to his chest. Only when Bucky went rigid in his arms did Steve come back to reality and realize that he might have just made a huge mistake. He braced himself, waiting for Bucky to extract himself from Steve's hug and defend himself in a series of movements that were probably going to leave Steve badly hurt. He waited and waited but… it didn't happen. "I'm sorry." Steve mumbled into Bucky's right shoulder, "It's just that I've missed you so much Bucky."
Bucky began relaxing slowly, letting Steve hold him for as long as Steve needed it. He had seen people at the police station hug. Often men would hug their fretting wives so Bucky assumed it was something that people did for comfort. He found that it didn't feel nearly as constricting to have Steve's arms around him as he had expected. Was it the nature of the gesture or was it because it was Steve? The thought of anyone else doing this to him made Bucky want to go rigid all over again. The only times he had ever wrapped his arms around someone was when he was strangling them from behind, breaking something of theirs or pushing them into his knife. He pushed those thoughts away quickly- he didn't want to compare what he had done to what Steve was doing right then and there. This felt different, it felt right. It felt warm and made him feel safe, safer than he had ever felt before. He knew that he was making himself incredibly vulnerable by letting someone this close to him while he was unarmed but it was Steve. Stevie was good. Stevie wasn't going to hurt him and he would do whatever Stevie needed him to do and right now, Steve needed that hug. "I'm here now." Bucky said, noticing that Steve's arms tightened around him in response to what he'd said.
When Steve had asked Bucky whether he wanted to move to the living room, the other had shrugged it off, not knowing how to reply to what Steve was asking. When Steve changed his approach to a suggestion, Bucky had agreed immediately, following Steve into the living room moments later. It was now early evening and Steve and Bucky were sitting on the couch in the living area. "Oh wait a second!" Steve got up from the couch quickly, hurrying back into Bucky's bedroom to retrieve the bag that Peggy had given him. He walked back into the living room, smiling when he noticed that Bucky's eyes were on him again as soon as he entered the room. He sat down a little closer to Bucky than was normal for them nowadays, probably because he realized that Bucky was okay with Steve being close and maybe also because Bucky had always been a comforting presence to be close to. He fished out the paper bag with the plums, dumping them into Bucky's lap before putting the rest down carefully as not to damage the cookies. "What's this?" Bucky looked at the bag and then at Steve questioningly.
"Why don't you have a look and see for yourself?" Steve offered and Bucky nodded, once again doing what Steve asked him to do without question. His right hand disappeared into the paper bag and brought forth a round plumb seconds later. He weighed the plumb in his hand for a moment before looking up at Steve for further instructions. "You can eat those. You used to love them!" Bucky peered down at the plumb for another second before popping it into his mouth. Steve grinned when he saw Bucky's eyes light up as soon as he'd started chewing. Obviously Bucky still liked Peggy's plums as much as he used to. Steve left the bag of plums in Bucky's lap and turned on the TV. They channel-surfed for a while until they found a sci-fi series to watch. Every time Steve looked over at Bucky to suss out his reaction to what was happening on TV, he found Bucky chewing on a plum that he had shoved into his mouth while the next plumb already waited in the palm of his hand. Steve watched him for a moment longer before looking back at the TV, letting out a long breath to disguise the content sigh that he'd let out unthinkingly.
Peggy really had been right: he had been looking at the wrong Bucky. All he cared about was Bucky Barnes and not the Winter Soldier. Bucky was making astounding progress and Steve decided then and there that no matter what other horrors were hidden in Bucky's mind, he wouldn't forsake his friend, he wouldn't judge him and he would always care for him because that's how it had always worked. Bucky had spent years protecting and caring for Steve and now it was Steve's turn to protect and help Bucky. They had been friend sinces childhood and absolutely inseparable. Steve wasn't going to let something like this come between Bucky and him, not again- he was going to fight whatever tried to take Bucky away from him, no matter how difficult, no matter if it cost him his last bloody breath. He wasn't going to hide away while Bucky disappeared. Never ever again! He was going to hold on to and help Bucky because that's what you did for someone you cared about.
That's what you did for someone you love.
There you go! A little happiness after the last chapter! And of course Peggy! I love her so I always make a point to include her in my fanfictions.
Well I really hope you guys enjoyed it! Please let me know what you think!
