Warning: This chapter contains description of violence and torture!

Here you have chapter 10! It's a short one but it's packed full of feels. I really hope you guys like it!


Chapter 10

Steve took a deep breath, taking in the smell of wood that lingered in Sam's office like burnt incense. It had been quite a while since he'd been there last. Since then Sam's cases had been taken over by Natasha and other psychotherapists around New York, allowing Sam to focus solely on the case James Buchanan Barnes.

Sam threw his car keys into the top drawer of his desk before walking around Bucky and Steve to take a seat at one of the armchairs. The armchair he was sitting in stood adjacent to the couch and the armchair that the patients always sat in. It allowed Sam to take up the role of mediator between two parties if the need be. This time he was sitting off to the side to leave the floor to just Bucky and Steve. The tall former SWAT officer sat down on the couch like he had when he'd spoken to the elderly man. A pad of paper and a pen were lying next to him on the couch. Three glasses of water were standing on the coffee table in the middle of the sitting arrangement. Sam and Steve gave Bucky enough time to take in his surroundings. His hair was hanging at the sides of his face again loosely but had been washed and looked clean and healthy. Bucky had recently shaved, leaving his face smooth and him looking a lot neater.

Steve had to use all of his SWAT training to stop his leg from bobbing up and down nervously. He was terrified of what was going to happen today. He had promised Bucky to listen to everything he had to say, promised to stay strong and listen but he didn't know if he could do that. He didn't know if he could shoulder the same type of burden that Bucky was so relentlessly carrying on those broad shoulders of his. The tormented look that Bucky would sometimes get was enough to throw Steve head first into an ocean of agony. How was he going to deal with actually hearing about everything those monsters had done to him?

"Do you want to take a seat Bucky?" Sam finally decided to speak up and Bucky nodded slowly, taking one last look around before sitting down opposite to Steve. Steve and Bucky locked eyes immediately and Steve swallowed the nervous lump in his throat before it could choke him. "Where do you want to stark Buck?" Steve asked him, chewing the inside of his cheek when his voice came out shaky. Bucky looked down at his lap for a moment, examining his hands thoughtfully before looking up at Steve again. The look on his face had changed to a look that Steve had never seen Bucky wear before. It was a look of dread and uncertainty. It was the look Steve used to have every time he went to the hospital to visit his ill mother shortly before she passed away. It was the look Peggy had had on her face the moment Steve had told her that Bucky was still alive.

"There's something we have to do first." Bucky muttered, gesturing to the notepad and pen at Steve's side. Steve handed it to him with a confused frown and watched Bucky write down a series of words in a language that he didn't understand at first. "What are these?" Steve asked when Bucky pushed the paper over to Steve, across the table. "Trigger words." Bucky explained and Sam and Steve exchanged wary glances. They both remembered Rhodey telling them about the trigger words that had so much power over Bucky. Steve studied the writing, recognizing it as Russian very quickly. He had had Russian for one semester at school before giving that up and taking art instead. "Do you know what they mean?" Sam asked Steve who shook his head. Bucky took the paper back and began writing the English words underneath the Russian ones slowly in neat handwriting.

Longing. Rusted. Seventeen. Daybreak. Furnace. Nine. Benign. Homecoming. One. Freight Car.

Steve went over the words over and over again, reminding himself not to say the Russian words out loud. He knew enough Russian to be able to pronounce the words in such a way that they were halfway understandable. He looked up at Bucky with dread-filled eyes, now sharing the same look that Bucky had been wearing ever since he'd written down those words. "What do you want me to do with these?" He asked him slowly, drawing out every word in a futile attempt to prolong what he knew was about to happen. Bucky let out a slow breath before averted his eyes again, looking down at his lap now to hide his face. "Telling someone about what you've been through can be difficult." Sam interpreted for Steve, "What's more difficult is telling someone about being tortured and… killing… against your will."

"You're not going to do the talking, are you Bucky?" Steve's voice was raw now. His stomach had successfully cramped up and his usually so strong and unwavering hands were shaking. He knew what Bucky wanted him to do but Steve didn't know if he could do this for him. He didn't know if he could bear it. "I want you to trigger me." Bucky clarified in an equally as raw voice. He sounded like he had been crying but Steve hadn't seen Bucky cry since the day he'd seen him leave Steve's front porch the day he left for the army. "I don't know if I can do that Buck." Steve admitted sorely.

"I know." Bucky replied, "I know I'm asking a lot but please, don't ask me to tell you like this." Steve's eyes widened slightly when he realized that Bucky was still susceptible to receiving orders. Was it just from Steve or in general?

"For Bucky it'll be like reliving everything he's been through over the past four years." Sam added, knowing that using the triggers was the most pain-free way for Bucky to tell his story. At the same time, Sam also knew how painful all of this was going to be for Steve. Either way, Steve would suffer and the only thing they could influence was how much Bucky was going to suffer. "You won't remember telling me, will you? When you come back to your senses?"

"No I won't, not for a while, but I'll know that you know and that's all I want."

This is what Bucky wanted…

Steve hated the way Bucky's plan made sense; hated the way he was leaning more towards using those cursed words to spare Bucky the experience of having to retell the most painful tale this world had to offer. Steve lifted the piece of paper with the words into his hands, scrunching up the edges a little by mistake. Again, Steve felt like he had the day he'd been on the Cyclone with Bucky- ready to either feint or vomit. This was probably the first independent decision Bucky had made since Hydra got their filthy hands on him and yet Steve… he couldn't bear the thought of doing this to Bucky, of doing the same thing to him that Hydra had.

"Steve. This isn't your choice to make." Sam added and Steve bowed his head. Damn it Sam was right! This was about helping Bucky, not about what Steve wanted or felt.

He clenched his jaw and nodded, reading through the words and practicing them in his mind.

"Bucky." Sam spoke up again and only Bucky looked at Sam while Steve continued to stare down the words in front of him, "Is it safe?"

"If Steve triggers me, it will be." Bucky said firmly, "I won't hurt him." He felt the need to add that and Sam nodded, seeming satisfied with Bucky's answer, "Steve? You'll have to address me as… 'soldat' when you're done." Bucky told him and Steve forced a stiff nod.

"Let me know when you're ready Buck." Steve drawled out the words half-heartedly and Bucky frowned.

"I won't ever be Stevie."

Stevie.

Steve closed his eyes for a moment, gathering up the fragments of his nerves into his arms and holding onto them tightly to stop himself from collapsing like a house of cards.

"Longing." The word felt strange to say for Steve but the pronunciation wasn't half as bad as Steve would have expected. "Rusted." Bucky's body went rigid and he pushed his back against the backrest of the chair. His breathing sped up and he clutched onto the armrests tightly, his fingers curling around the edges. Steve wanted to hesitate but Sam nodded for him to continue so he did. "Seventeen." Bucky's body arched a little as if he were in pain and he clenched his jaw so hard that Steve could hear his teeth gnash together. "Daybreak. Furnace." Steve's voice was getting thinner and thinner with every word he said. He was hurting Bucky and it was killing him. He was hurting his best friend. "Nine. Benign." Steve could see that Bucky was holding back a scream and it broke his heart and yet he continued with a shaky voice because this was what Bucky wanted, this was Bucky's choice and there was no way Steve was going to take that away from him, "Homecoming. One." Bucky's body jerked as if he wanted to get up to stop Steve from talking, like it was putting up the last bit of fight it had in it before it was too late. One more word. One more cursed word. For a short moment Steve wondered what would happen if he were to stop now. "Freight car." He forced the last word to leave his mouth before he could change his mind and Bucky's entire body went still. His eyes were closed and his breath was coming out in slow, controlled huffs.

"S… Soldat?" Bucky's eyes opened, first looking at the ground and then meeting Steve's gaze. Steve drew in a sharp breath when it felt like Bucky's eyes pierced right through Steve's own and directly into his soul, freezing part of him solid. A cold shiver ran through his entire body and his lips began trembling uncontrollably. Bucky's face was vacant, displaying no emotion whatsoever. His body was passive and yet he looked more intimidating than he ever had. He looked huge and strong and ready to do whatever Steve told him to do.

"Ready to comply." The words came out of Bucky's mouth in flawless Russian and Steve bent forward, covering his mouth with his hands when he felt his body jerk with a full-body gag.

"No." He said into the palm of his hand, "No. No. No. No… no!"

This was it. This was the result of four years' worth of torture, screaming, pain, wiping… this is what they had made Bucky into. This was the man that killed so many people, including children. This was the man Steve had tried to forget all about.

This was the Winter Soldier.

"He's only gonna listen to you Steve so you're gonna have to tell him what to do." Sam spoke up quietly yet Bucky's eyes stayed glued to Steve's. Steve didn't want to talk to the Winter Soldier. He wanted keep his hand right where it was, covering his mouth, and wait for this horrible state of mind to wear off. Why had he even agreed to this?! How was he supposed to talk to the Winter Soldier?

"I know it's difficult to do Steve but remember why we're doing this." Sam reminded his friend, "We're doing it because this is what he wants." He added and Steve let out a silent breath, looking from Sam back to the man sitting in front of him.

For Bucky.
He was doing this for Bucky. This is what Bucky wanted and Steve was going to do whatever it took to honour Bucky's decisions because after what Hydra did to him, his decisions were precious. "Soldier?" The soldier lifted his chin slightly in acknowledgement of being spoken to and yet another cold shiver ran down Steve's spine. Steve understood why Hydra had treated the Winter Soldier like a pet. If they hadn't convinced themselves that he was worthless, they probably would have lost their minds dealing with someone this incredibly intimidating on a daily basis. It was like all of Steve's self-preservation instincts were yelling at him, waving flags, putting up billboards covered in neon lights- doing whatever they could to convince Steve to get as far away from this man as possible. "I want you to answer the questions I ask you." Steve forced his vocal chords to cooperate and he was slightly relieved when his voice came out sounding even vaguely confident. "Understood." The Winter Soldier answered in English this time, having adjusted to Steve's choice of language. The asset noticed Steve's uncertainty. He noticed that his handler seemed to be in pain and that without any threat seeming to be present. That was all the thinking he did though, there was no need for anything else. Steve took a deep breath before picking up the notepad, tearing off the front page with Bucky's trigger words on it and picking up the pen to take notes. He kept thinking back to the Bucky he cared about, kept telling himself that he was doing this for him! It didn't matter what Steve thought or felt- this was for Bucky! He steeled himself, clicking the pen before starting with the first question in a firm voice. "You were kept in Russia, am I right?"

"Affirmative."

"What did they do to you there?"

"I was injected with the super-soldier serum."

"What did that do to you exactly?" Steve interrupted before the asset could say any more.

"Enhanced reflexes, metabolism, speed, regeneration and strength." Steve nodded, jotting down notes while the Winter Soldier spoke. He found it distracted him a little, enabled him to build up a sort of distance to the entire matter. He didn't know if this was going to be the case for the entire time but he was willing to give it a try. "After that?"

"Wanted behaviour was encouraged and any unwanted traits or behaviour were eliminated."

"By doing what?"

"Conditioning."

"What do you mean?" Steve wanted to say Bucky's name but he knew that the name meant nothing to this man so he didn't, saving himself the heartbreak. "Desensitization was achieved by forcing me to eliminate prisoners. A shock collar was put around my neck and I was shocked when I displayed unwanted behaviour. Numerous different torture techniques were used to break my spirit." Steve averted his eyes, looking out the window at the blue sky for the sheer purpose of finding something to distract himself with for a moment. The things the Winter Soldier was describing were horrible, things that would leave a person scarred for life and yet he said them without a single tremor in his voice. He sounded dead, like he was talking about someone he had absolutely no emotional attachment to, like all the things that were done to him were totally normal. "What did they do to you when you made mistakes?"

"Physical punishment was implemented. The guards would beat me when they were bored or when I did something wrong. They beat me every day when I wasn't in a coma. Mistakes were punished with pain. They dislocated my shoulder and put it back into place. The fingers on my right hand were broken one after the other before letting them heal while I was in a coma." Steve's breath hitched and he bowed his head, forcing himself to write down what the soldier had just told him. "How often…" He had to take a deep breath to stop himself from being sick, "How often did they put you into a coma?"

"As often as I was not of use. I was put on standby and woken up when they had an assignment for me. They took me off the machinery and hosed me down to wake me up. They wiped me and used the trigger words simultaneously to teach them to me."

"How often did they… wipe you?"

"A few times a day until it became easier to do."

Steve was falling apart.

They treated him like dirt and the worst part about it was that Bucky had been so brainwashed, so broken that he hadn't done a single freaking thing about it! He'd just let them do whatever they wanted with him. The way Bucky was now, Steve didn't doubt that he would let him do whatever he wanted with him. It's how they conditioned him.

God it was all so freaking sick! Every last monstrous detail of it!

"What else did they do?" Steve asked him in a low voice and Sam shot a glance at his friend. Something in Steve had shifted, had broken and it worried Sam. Steve's face was almost blank, masking what was going on inside of him. Maybe this had been a bad idea. This was probably far too much for Steve to handle and knowing Steve, he would force himself to endure it for Bucky's sake even if it drove Steve insane.
"They tested my limits by drowning me and resuscitating me. The damage done to my lungs healed quickly once they had removed the water again. They tested my resistance to heat by putting me into a chamber that was heated enough to burn my skin. They did the same with cold. I was given the best combat training that Hydra had to offer. To teach me to withstand pain, they broke my ankles and forced me to continue combat training like that. It didn't take long before I learnt to ignore pain."

"What about the operations?" Sam saw that Steve's eyes were beginning to turn red and were starting to shimmer slightly.

"Operations were done without anaesthetic to save time and money."

"But that must have hurt!" Steve exclaimed but the Winter Soldier showed no reaction. His steel-blue eyes were so empty! His body was too tense, too ready to hurt. His aura was too menacing! He was too strong, too compliant, too broken. Too much like nothing Steve remembered. How could someone have done something like this to Bucky? To his Bucky?!

He was out of questions and even if he had any more questions for the soldier, he knew he couldn't bear to hear the answer to one more question. He felt empty, like he had the day he had been told that Bucky was gone. His eyes were almost half-lidded and his heart beat slowly. "Get up." He ordered the soldier who complied, doing as he was told without even asking why. Sam watched warily as Steve got up, not sure where Steve was going with this. Steve moved to stand directly in front of the asset who was now the same height as Steve. He seemed to stand up a little straighter than Bucky did. His eyes stayed on Steve the entire time, his body staying passive and compliant. "Do you know who I am?" Steve asked him and the soldier took a moment to look at Steve but there were no signs of him thinking about Steve's question. "You are my handler, sir."

"Right." Steve bowed his head, his face contorting for a moment before he could get it under control again. He lifted his arm and wrapped his trembling hand around the man's right wrist. The soldier showed absolutely no reaction to what Steve was doing. Unlike Bucky, he didn't lean away or towards the touch; in fact, his body didn't so much as flinch. "You let them hurt you." Steve muttered, sounding like he was in some sort of trance, "You could have killed every single one of them and yet you did nothing to fight them off because they took that right away from you, didn't they?" Again the asset didn't answer, probably because he had never been taught to answer a question like that. "I'm so sorry." Steve gasped, leaning his head against Bucky's chest, regardless of how much his own instincts were telling him to stay away from him. Steve buried his face in Bucky's chest, fighting back his tears desperately, biting down on his lip so hard that it drew blood that trickled out of his mouth and ran down his chin. "Please give him back to me." Steve begged, "Just give Bucky back to me… please!"

"Instructions unclear, sir. Clarification needed." Bucky replied monotonously and Steve cringed notably, curling into Bucky even more.

Sam bowed his head, looking down at his lap instead of at the two other men in the room. He felt like he was intruding on something incredibly intimate and personal. He wanted to leave the room to give Steve some space but he had promised Rhodey to stay with Steve during the whole thing. It was the only reason Rhodey had let them take this session to Sam's office instead of having it in Bucky's personal interrogation room. He kept asking himself what he would have done if Bucky had been Riley instead. It made him respect Steve even more. He was amazed at how Steve was taking this, amazed that Steve wasn't hammering against the soldier's chest, yelling at him to get the hell out of Bucky's head.

"What is your primary function?" Steve's toneless voice was muffled by Bucky's t-shirt but both Sam and the Winter Soldier could understand his question clearly. "I am a weapon created by Hydra to eliminate targets. I have not failed a single assignment since my activation."

"Well done on that." Steve muttered bitterly but didn't make a move to increase the distance between the two of them. He took in the way Bucky felt, realizing that he felt off, felt like someone else. How much he would give for Bucky to be back and for him to wrap his arms around him and tell him everything's gonna be fine Stevie! I ain't leaving ya! Can't leave someone as hopeless as you! Gotta look after your sorry ass.

"Call me Steve."

"Steve."

It sounded so different when the Winter Soldier said it and it was the final straw needed to break Steve. His eyes glazed over slightly and his body swayed as if he were drunk. Sam got up immediately, moving to stand behind Steve to support him. He wrapped an arm around Steve's waist, taking a hold of Steve's left arm with his free hand. The asset's eyes flicked to Sam for a moment to assess the threat before focusing on Steve again when he came to the conclusion that the man didn't intend to harm his handler.

"Steve! Are you okay?" Sam asked Steve, leading him to the couch and helping him sit down. Steve leant into Sam's side and his head tilted to the side, landing on Sam's shoulder heavily. "Steve? Hey Steve can you hear me?"

No, Steve couldn't and even if he could, he didn't want to talk anymore. He wanted to stop talking, to stop feeling or thinking. His creative mind brought forth vivid images of what Hydra had done to Bucky and the more that happened, the deeper Steve sunk into his breaking mind. He was stuck in a nightmare, having to watch Bucky get beaten over and over again. He had to watch blood stream down his face. He had to watch them strap Bucky to a table and break his ankles, had to listen to Bucky scream at the top of his lungs. He had to see Bucky huddled into the corner of a cooling room, had to watch him scratch at the door of an oversized oven until Bucky's fingernails broke off and his fingers were bloody. He had to watch him writhe in pain after they had injected him with the serum, had to listen to him beg them to please! Please just kill him! Please, please make it stop!

Tears began streaming down Steve's still completely vacant face. He was staring ahead at the Winter Soldier who was looking back just as emotionlessly. He didn't move to help his handler. He didn't worry, didn't feel sad at seeing Steve so broken.

He just stood there and waited for further instructions while Steve fell apart in front of his eyes.


I'm so sorry!

Reviews give me life so please let me know what you think!
See you next week then and thank you so, so much for reading my ff!