Hey guys! Sorry for the one-day delay on the update. I've been sick at home for two days and it isn't getting any better. But I managed to work through this chapter for you so you have something to read! Please let me know what you think!

And enjoy!


Chapter 14

"Woah Steve!" Sam put out his arms, "Calm down there big guy!"

"I told him that there wouldn't be a Hydra agent in there!" Steve yelled, trying to step around Sam to get to the still unconscious Bucky. To Sam, Steve looked frenzied. His imposing chest was heaving and his shoulders were so tight that he could see it in the base of Steve's neck. Sam fixed him with a stern look and Steve averted his eyes immediately, working his jaw impatiently. "There's no way you could have known Steve." Sam tried to reason with him gently, trying to get Steve to calm down before he had a full-on panic attack. He'd never seen Steve like this. It was like all he wanted to do was get to Bucky's side and apologize until he ran out of air or words- whichever came first. "It doesn't matter whether I could have known or not, Sam! I have to look after him!" Steve insisted. His voice was rough and raw from strain. His red eyes darted about the room aimlessly, lingering on Bucky every few seconds before looking at Sam pleadingly again, begging him to get out of the way. He was busy clenching and unclenching his hands; so much so that the veins on his arms were now clearly visible.

They were back in Bucky's apartment. Sam had driven them over and helped Steve heave a still blood-covered and unconscious Bucky up the stairs and into his bedroom. It would be a blatant lie if Sam said that he wasn't concerned for Bucky but he had seen worse in his time as a pararescuer- Bucky would be perfectly fine. What he was more concerned about, was the well-being of his close friend. Steve looked like he'd just seen a ghost. If Sam didn't know how gentle Steve really was, he would have probably backed out of the room slowly and left Steve to it. He looked terrifying; his large body heaving and shuddering with strain.

"I spoke to Rhodey." Sam chose to change the subject and the buzz in Steve's body stilled for a moment. His blue eyes met Sam's dark brown ones and he let out a long breath, calming down considerably. "What did he say?" Steve enquired when Sam hadn't gone on. The tall blond moved to sit down at the unused desk standing against the wall next to Bucky's bedside table, tapping his fingers against the wooden top in a staccato rhythm. Then, he slumped his shoulders.

There it was.

That's what Sam had been waiting for- for Steve to stop acting like a trapped dog frantic to get to its owner. "Your friend? What was his name? Dugan?"

"Dum Dum." Steve supplied with a short nod, "That's what we call him."

"Okay. So, Dum Dum went straight to Rhodey to explain what happened. 'Said it was important that Barnes isn't held accountable. Shield also sent over a file containing a statement from Rumlow." Steve tensed, wanting to get up again but Sam held up his hand, "Relax Steve." He gave Steve a stern look, raising his eyebrow when Steve jutted out his chin a little, "I'm gonna call 'em to tie you up if you don't." He added lightly and Steve let out a huff of air in an attempt to laugh, making Sam smile at him, "Rumlow admitted to everything. Barnes scared the daylight out of him. He promised to tell them whatever they wanted to know as long as they kept James away from him."

"I hardly think Rumlow's the victim here." Steve pointed out bitterly, leaning back in his seat and looking over at Bucky again. Sam followed Steve's troubled gaze, his eyes resting on Bucky. He noted the even rise and fall of Bucky's chest, the calm look on his face while he slept. Sam had never seen Bucky that relaxed before. The fact that the man had blood all over his metal arm, chest and face made it a bitter-sweet experience for the VA therapist. Sam frowned lightly. "I agree." He muttered, "Rumlow's not the real victim here."


Bucky didn't wake up slowly. It wasn't like after a coma or when he feinted during operations when the pain became too much to bear. He woke up with a start, violently, mentally still in the middle of the fight with Rumlow, as if no time had passed at all. The Winter Soldier was gone, back in his cage, but Bucky was delirious, frightened. His body shot up into a sitting position immediately, his muscles coiling almost painfully before his eyes had even managed to focus on his dimly lit surroundings. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that his surroundings were familiar, that he was no-longer at Shield, but the dire need to fight stopped him from taking a moment to reassess. Someone took a hold of him and his body jerked violently, his left arm drawing back to strike while his right hand wanted to take a hold of whoever it was. That is, until he heard him speak. "Hey! Hey it's me. Bucky! It's me!" For a moment, Bucky was puzzled, his grey-blue eyes finally focusing on something. He scanned the face in front of him while his left arm dropped to his sides again. For a few heartbeats, everything was still, with just Bucky's gasps for air stirring the silence. His chest rose and fell heavily and Steve waited, quickly realizing that Bucky's breathing wasn't slowing down. "Buck… Are you with me?" Steve asked him with a gentle, hopefully smile. Bucky blinked a few times, finally recognizing the face in front of him when the fog in his mind cleared. His panicked eyes returned to their normal size, his pupils dilating slightly while his breathing slowed down.

Up until that point, Bucky hadn't even realized that he was back in his apartment or that it was dark outside. He hadn't heard the feint sounds of the city or the frantic beating of his own heart through his panic. He'd heard Steve though and in that moment, all he cared about was that Steve was there. Bucky twisted around on his bed until he was facing Steve, pushing his face into Steve's chest and clutching onto him tightly. Bucky's hands clawed at the fabric covering Steve's muscled back. The fingernails of Bucky's right hand left red, partially bloody scratches on Steve's skin even through his dark grey shirt. The metal hand, the one that lacked fingernails, pushed into his skin with bruising force. Steve cringed. He wanted to arch his back away from the pain but he stopped himself, knowing that Bucky would feel terrible if he knew he was hurting Steve. And so, instead of saying anything, Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky's trembling figure, offering him the comfort he obviously desperately wanted, no… needed.

"Steve." Bucky gasped breathlessly, "Steve. Sorry. Sorry Steve. Sorry."

"Do you remember what you did?" Bucky's body curling into Steve's was the only answer Steve needed. He could feel his own heart ache when felt the way Bucky's normally so still body trembled. Bucky's chest was pressed against Steve's so tightly that Steve could even feel the frantic drumming in his best friend's chest. He lifted one of his hands, brushing through Bucky's long hair gently in an attempt to soothe his distraught friend. He had managed to remove most of the blood from Bucky's hair and face while Bucky had still been unconscious but the smell of blood still lingered on Bucky like a foul aftertaste. Steve tried not to focus on that, tried not to think about the horrible things he'd seen his best friend's hands do that day. He continued to card his hands through Bucky's hair, his fingers sometimes getting tangled in clumps of blood-clotted hair. He would slowly and gently work out the knots before continuing his combing motion, smiling when Bucky sighed.

"You have nothing to apologize for Buck." Steve soothed him, relieved when he felt some of the tension drain out of Bucky's body until he was no longer trembling, "Tell me one thing." Steve whispered.

"Anything." Bucky answered, matching Steve's quiet tone of voice. His voice was low, lower than usual and rough, like he had been screaming.

"Rumlow. He was one of the guards… wasn't he?"

"He was the head of the guards." Bucky answered, his voice shaking with emotion.

Steve closed his eyes, tightening his one-armed embrace around Bucky. He let his fingers twist and glide through Bucky's hair until the latter let out another sigh, burying his face in the crook of Steve's neck. "I get why it happened. It wasn't your fault." Steve promised Bucky at a whisper.

"I'm not being punished." Bucky affirmed quietly, mumbling the words into the skin on Steve's neck. Steve clenched his jaw, stopping himself from correcting Bucky. Old habits die hard. The incident with Rumlow had shown Steve just that. Steve didn't know what lasting effects this incident with Rumlow was going to have on Bucky. All he knew right then and there was that he had never once in his life seen Bucky this distraught, like a house of cards that had finally collapsed in on itself. Maybe this is what Bucky had been like every time the Soldier took over, every time the Winter Soldier had gotten his orders. Maybe this was the pain that Bucky had had to endure while he had yelled and screamed, fought for control only to have the Soldier kill people with Bucky's very own hands while he was forced to watch it all happen.

"You're not being punished." Steve promised and it was what was needed to make Bucky melt into Steve's embrace completely becoming pliant against Steve's body. "Steve." Bucky whispered hoarsely, "Steve…"

"I'm right here Buck. I ain't leaving you. I'm right here." Steve promised him. Bucky's hunched over shoulders were pressing into Steve's chest and his face was cradled in the crook of Steve's thick neck. Steve's face was burning but he resolutely stopped himself from thinking about how good it felt to have Bucky's warm breath ghost over his skin or how right it felt to be holding Bucky so close. To distract himself, he looked out the window that hung above Bucky's bed, watching the stars above them, sparkling in the dark like lanterns. He remembered the way Bucky and him would sit on the old rusted fire escape in Bucky's old apartment before Bucky shipped out, looking up at the stars. Bucky knew all about the different constellations and he would show them to Steve, telling him all about them animatedly. Bucky would always bring a woollen blanket with him, wrapping it tightly around Steve, despite Steve's protest because I ain't babying you punk! I jus' don't want ya getting sick again!

"Time to get you cleaned up." Steve spoke up suddenly and Bucky straightened up, blinking at Steve through half-lidded eyes. It was a good look on Bucky and it made Steve's face soften. "Steve." Bucky breathed out the name almost silently. Steve smiled at him, nodding. "Yeah, it's me pal." He promised his best friend, brushing his unkempt brown hair back and out of Bucky's face.

Just like on the night that Steve had had a nightmare, Bucky lifted his right hand, letting his index finger trace the line Steve's vein drew along his throat. Steve held his breath, watching Bucky's empty face with a stuttering heartbeat. He didn't know why Bucky sometimes did that. Bucky had never done that before he shipped out. A little voice in the back of Steve's mind was telling him that Bucky was trying to convince himself that Steve was real. "I know I'm different to how you remember." Steve heard himself say. Bucky's tired-looking eyes flicked up to Steve's searchingly, "Is that why you do this?" Steve added. He saw the tell-tale signs of movement in Bucky's right shoulder and he quickly moved his hand to cover Bucky's right one where it was still resting against his throat. "It's fine." Steve promised him, "You can do whatever you need to. I trust you Buck." Bucky held eye-contact for a moment longer, checking to see whether Steve was lying or not but once again Steve had spoken nothing but the truth. Steve removed his hand from Bucky's when the latter nodded and attempted to return the smile Steve was giving him. Bucky's slightly calloused index finger ghosted across the warm, soft skin on Steve's throat until it settled there where his pulse was drumming against said skin. He left his finger there for a moment, counting Steve's heartbeat silently in his mind. He found it calmed him to feel Steve's heartbeat, to know it was right there. It calmed him to have Steve so close to him, to know that Steve trusted him. It calmed him to be allowed to touch him. It calmed him to feel Steve's warmth seep into his body that would sometimes still feel as cold as it did when they woke him up from one of the endless comas that they had put him in. He flattened his hand until the expanse of it was places across Steve's throat. He remembered metal against that very skin and he quickly pushed the memory right into the back of his mind, hoping to lose it forever. Bucky's hand moved from Steve's throat along his collarbones and to his shoulder where it rested. He leant forward, pressing his ear against Steve's left pectoral carefully. The warmth from Steve's body rushed into Bucky's face and he was enveloped by Steve's smell that clung to his t-shirt. He closed his eyes.

He listened.

The corners of Bucky's mouth twitched when he heard it. Steve might have become a lot bigger and stronger, but there was one thing that was never going to change- he had a heart murmur. It was difficult to hear if you didn't know what you were looking for but Bucky knew. He remembered what to listen out for.

"Stevie." His voice had a note of finality in it, of a decision that had been made. Steve's smile widened.

"Still there, huh?" Steve asked.

"Still there." Bucky confirmed, moving to sit upright in front of Steve again but his hand lingered on Steve's shoulder for a moment longer.

"It's always been me Buck."

"I know. I know…" And yet Bucky was looking at him like he was only really seeing Steve now, "I missed you Stevie." Bucky confessed, a look of confusion crossing his face once he'd said it, "All these years… I missed you. Every day."

"I missed you too buddy." Steve said a little breathlessly and the look of confusion on Bucky's face ebbed away slowly, revealing a sort of clarity that Steve hadn't seen on Bucky's face since he'd left with the army.

"Are you feeling a little better Buck?"

"Yeah. I think so." Bucky looked puzzled again for a moment, his focus shifting to himself for a brief second before he confirmed his statement with a nod. "Then don't you want get yourself cleaned up?" Steve asked him gently and Bucky looked at himself for the first time since he'd woken up. His eyes widened slightly and his mouth fell open. His body heaved forward a little as if he were about to gag but he stopped the movement, nodding numbly instead.

Steve coaxed Bucky out of bed gently, wrapping a hand around Bucky's right wrist and leading him to the bathroom. Once there, he helped Bucky out of his blood-stained shirt, throwing it into a corner before instructing Bucky to sit down on the rim of the bathtub.

Bucky seemed apathetic while Steve got out a cloth and doused it warm water. He rung it out, watching the water drip into the sink before using it to clean off more of the blood from Bucky's collarbones, his neck and his right hand. Thankfully it had dried already so Steve didn't have to worry about whether or not it had gotten smeared onto him earlier. He rinsed out the cloth before shifting his attention to Bucky's metal arm. The grooves in the arm and the hand were clotted with dried blood. Steve had to force himself not to think about what Bucky had done with that hand. There was simply so much of Rumlow's blood spread all over the metal as a reminder of what had happened only a few hours ago. In some places, the metal no longer shone the way it usually would. It was like it was covered by a matt, red shimmer. He started with Bucky's metal hand, cradling it in one of his own hands to twist and turn it as he wanted it. Bucky didn't protest, he wasn't even watching Steve. Instead, he had closed his eyes.

Knowing that Bucky wasn't watching him made Steve feel a little more at ease and so he went on scrubbing at the tiny grooves around his knuckles and where the thumb connected to the rest of the hand. He'd never paid Bucky's arm this much attention before. He hadn't taken his time to study all the grooves or notice all the rises and falls, dents and tiny scratches all over the surface. The arm was an intricate system of plates and grooves that must have taken an extremely long time to develop. Most of the time nowadays, Bucky had his arm covered by a thick hoodie or a bomber jacket. Having it uncovered like that, letting Steve touch it… it was a huge show of trust, wasn't it?

A smile found its way onto Steve's face and he began enjoying the feeling of the cold metal against his warm hands, letting his touches linger longer than he usually would.

"Rumlow was arrested by Shield for questioning." Steve tried to sound casual despite of how much he despised even speaking the man's name in Bucky's presence. Bucky showed no response.

There was a pause in which he got to work on Bucky's wrist and the larger plates covering his forearm. They were no less intricate than the plates on the hand, especially the plates making up the underside of the forearm. "I was questioned too." He added and Bucky shifted a little uneasily, seeming to come to life all of a sudden, "They asked me about what happened. Sam put in a good word for you too. They're not holding you accountable for what you did, seeing as he was obviously part of Hydra."

Steve knew that he was supposed to feel relieved; knew that he was supposed to be happy and yet… looking at Bucky hunched over, sitting on the rim of the bathtub with blood-caked hair… this didn't really feel like much of a victory to him.

"You saved his life." Bucky noted, opening his eyes to look at Steve who drew in a sharp breath, "By using the trigger word."

"I'm sorry that I used it I-."

"Thank you." Bucky interrupted him again and Steve's mouth snapped shut, his eyes growing wide with surprise. There was a warmth in Bucky's eyes that Steve only got to see on rare occasions nowadays.

"What're you…?" Steve's voice trailed off a little helplessly. Bucky averted his eyes, looking down to where Steve's hand was resting on his metal underarm, a grounding pressure against the cold metal. Bucky wished he could actually feel how warm Steve's hand felt in that moment.

"Thank you for saving Rumlow." Bucky said, looking back up at Steve's shimmering blue eyes again, "Thank you for stopping me from killing any more people."


Here you go! I really hope you like it! :)