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Chapter 15

Bucky kept stealing glances at Steve while they drove. Steve was nervous, Bucky could tell. He'd noticed it the moment he'd walked into the living area that morning. Steve had been all over the place, trying to keep up a casual conversation with Bucky while preparing their breakfast. He didn't just stumble over his words though- he'd almost dropped everything he'd tried to carry. The eggs he'd fried had turned out to be more on the darker side even so Bucky was pretty sure that something was on Steve's mind. It couldn't be anything negative though, Bucky figured, because every time Bucky looked at him, Steve was smiling. His eyes were sparking the way the ocean did in the afternoon sun. Steve had even gone so far as to sing in the shower that morning. Bucky vaguely remembered that Steve had looked this giddy when they'd gone to Coney Island for the first time- a giddiness that lasted only until Bucky had dragged him onto one of the larger rollercoasters. Bucky doubted they were going to Coney Island though; he wasn't ready for that and he was certain that both Sam and Steve knew it.

Speaking of Sam- he was sitting in the driver's seat of his Mustang that gave off a pleasant hum while it cruised along the road heading out of the city. From his back seat, Bucky watched the skyscrapers they were driving past, watching the way the sun's light reflected off all the spotless windows. In his mind, he ran through any possible appointments that he might have forgotten about but there were none that seemed like the type that would make Steve this happy. For a moment, Bucky wondered if they were going to visit Peggy. Somehow, he doubted it. Whatever they were doing though, Bucky was thankful for it because it was making Steve smile again, two weeks after the incident with one Brock Rumlow.

"Quit staring at me Buck." Steve laughed, his eyes finding Bucky's. Briefly, Bucky was flustered, having been so lost in thought that he hadn't meant to stare. "Sorry." He bowed his head to avoid Steve's gaze.

"What're you thinking about?" Steve asked him, shooting a glance to the rear-view mirror Sam was watching the two of them through.

"Where are we going?" Bucky asked.

"Wait and see Buck." For a moment, all Bucky could think of doing was stare at Steve. It had taken Bucky an entirety of two hours to ask the question weighing on his mind and that was his answer? His face hardened into a glare and Steve snorted, stifling another laugh. "C'mon Buck it won't take much longer!" Steve promised him, at least making the effort to look the slightest bit apologetic.

"Won't take us more than another half an hour." Sam chimed and Bucky shot a glance at Sam's reflection in the mirror before looking at Steve again with pleading eyes. Now that he'd actually worded his curiosity, he wanted to know so bad, like talking about it had awoken a part of Buck that he'd forgotten about completely; the part that knew that Bucky loved surprises and that, was he aware that he was on the receiving end of one, he would ask and ask and ask about it until Steve relented and let him in on his secret. Bucky let out a slow breath, realization settling on him while he familiarized himself with the feeling of curiosity that was driving words onto the tip of his tongue, encouraging him to talk.

"Is it one of the places I forgot about? Like Peggy's? Is it an experience?" Bucky heard himself ask. Steve tore his eyes away from the scenery outside to smile at Bucky warmly. "I ain't telling you Buck."

"Please! Just give me one hint Stevie!"

Sam laughed from the driver's seat, watching fondly as Steve's resolve dwindled away like ice on a heated windshield. Steve would be lying if he said that the familiarity of Bucky's behaviour didn't make him get butterflies in his stomach, that it didn't make heat rise into his cheeks.

"It's sort of an experience." Steve relented, letting out a heavy sigh when Bucky's glance turned from flat-out staring into one laced with surprise and confusion. "I don't understand." Bucky muttered, looking down at his metal arm. For the first time since he'd started his rehabilitation, he was wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt without a jacket on, leaving the prosthetic on full display. Bucky watched the way the sunlight danced off the scratched metal surface, frowning. "Hey." Steve said gently, putting a hand on Bucky's left shoulder, just above where his flesh started, squeezing gently, "You'll see what it is soon enough." He paused, searching Bucky's beautiful eyes for a moment before saying, "Just trust me, pal."
"I do." Bucky replied instantaneously and without a hint of uncertainty in his voice, as if trusting Steve was as natural as breathing to Bucky. A pleasant pool of warmth settled in Bucky's chest when Steve smiled at him bashfully, biting his bottom lip and turning his head away before Bucky could see his blush. Bucky felt his lips twitch while he too turned his attention back to the scenery outside.

After about fifteen minutes of content silence, Bucky cleared his throat and turned to look at Steve with a gentle frown on his face. "You still got that pen?" He asked Steve whose eyes grew wide when he caught on to what that meant. He nodded readily, getting out his pen and handing it to Bucky. "You okay?" He asked Bucky, a concerned line drawn between his eyebrows. Bucky nodded, giving Steve a weak smile, hoping that it would cure the worried look on Steve's face. "I'm just a little anxious." Bucky confided, looking down at the pen in his hands, rolling it between his index finger and his thumb. Thoughtlessly, Steve reached out his hand and let it glide through Bucky's hair, undoing the bun Bucky had wrestled his hair into an hour prior. Bucky sighed, leaning his head against Steve's right shoulder while Steve's left hand continued to play with Bucky's hair. The brunet let out a slow breath that flushed the tension out of his shoulders and back, making his body feel heavy and placid. His calloused fingers brushed over the smooth surface of the pen distractedly while he focused on the feeling of Steve's fingernails skimming his scalp while sliding through his hair, working out knots gently as they went.

"Thanks Steve." Bucky mumbled, nestling his head a little more firmly against Steve's muscle-packed shoulder. Steve smiled.

"Anytime Buck."

The pen stayed, unused, in Bucky's hand.


Fenced off meadows spread out over the entire plot. The wild-growing grass was lush, speckled with small dandelions all over. A large, flat-roofed building stood in the middle of the property. Farther off to the side, Bucky spotted a classical barn complete with red paintjob and large wooden doors. The tires of the Mustang kicked up dirt while it drove along the dirt road leading to a small make-shift parking lot in front of the building. A flowerbed fenced in the small parking lot with flowers of all shapes and sizes and small bushes. The place looked a little like a farm but Bucky thought that the building looked too much like an office to make a proper farm house. He searched his partially recovered memories, prodding at some of the foggier parts, waiting for images to come back to him like they usually would, but nothing happened.

Sam looked into the rear-view mirror once he'd put the car into park, noticing the puzzled frown on Bucky's face. He noticed the way Bucky's eyes darted and the way he was working his jaw occasionally. "You've never been here before." Bucky's eyes stopped darting and cleared, becoming almost soft and round. His shoulders slumped a little and he let out a slow breath.

"Are you ready?" Steve asked Bucky excitedly and Bucky nodded immediately. He didn't even try to fight the small smile that was spreading across his stubbly cheeks. He was dying to know what was making Steve so happy. If it was a person, he was even considering thanking them.

As soon as the car doors had slammed shut and Sam had locked his beloved Mustang, the front door of the strange building swung open. A slender woman with red hair and a beautiful smile sauntered out. She waved briefly, walking over to them with swinging hips and a smirk on her red lips. "Would you look at what the cat dragged in?" Her voice was low and smoky. Bucky was sure he'd never met her before.

"Natasha Romanoff as she lives and breathes." Sam grinned, giving her a tight hug, "Good to see you."

"Likewise, Sam." She replied, giving him a once-over before her eyes rested on Steve. Bucky instinctively took a step closer to his friend when Natasha's eyes settled on the blond. She noticed this, her eyes flicking to Bucky for a moment before resting on Steve again. "Rogers."

"Hey Nat. It's good to see you." His smile was soft and warm and Bucky felt himself grow tense again.

"It's been a long time." Natasha agreed, "How is your survivor's guilt treating you? Is it calming down?" Steve stiffened in the same moment that Bucky averted his eyes from Natasha to look at him. No-one had told Bucky that Steve was suffering from survivor's guilt. Why hadn't Steve told him? Survivor's guilt from what? Bucky's mind raced for a moment before coming to an unsettling conclusion: They had told Steve that Bucky was dead. He had survivor's guilt because he had survived while Bucky had apparently died. But that was all wrong, thought Bucky. He drew in a breath to protest, to tell Steve that it was good that he survived, only Steve beat him to it. "It's getting there." Steve smiled. It was a fake smile but only Bucky could tell. "I still have my moment's but working at the VA has helped me a lot." Natasha nodded, satisfied with his answer. Now it was Bucky's turn to burn under her gaze. Just that Bucky didn't. He stood up a little straighter, squaring his shoulders and returned the sharp gaze she was giving him. Her eyes studied his face for a moment before her mouth bent into a smirk. "Sergeant James Barnes."

"My name is Bucky." Bucky corrected her coldly, his shoulder tightening even more, his neck growing stiff.

"Buck-." Steve wanted to reprimand him gently but Natasha held up a hand to silence him, this getting Bucky even more upset.

"Well colour me impressed." She cocked her head to the side gently and Bucky watched her red fringe slide across her forehead, "I guess Sam wasn't exaggerating when he said that you've made amazing progress. I read the reports you know? You were volatile."

"I know." Bucky's face hardened, "I was there."

"Really? Because well it didn't seem like you were." Natasha pointed out spitefully. Steve sucked in a sharp breath, anxiously aware of the way Bucky's body went impossibly more rigid before becoming as still as a rock. Steve reached out his hand, resting it on Bucky's upper right arm, stroking his thumb over the black fabric of Bucky's t-shirt. "I was in here." Bucky lifted his left hand, tapping his metal index finger against his temple, "Here's the thing about being under mind-control, the part that nobody talks about…" He started, talking through gritted teeth like it physically hurt him to speak, "that you're still in there… Some small piece of you is awake, watching. Like being a passenger in your own body. You struggle to break free… but you lose… over and over again you lose... and it makes whatever you're forced to do that much worse." Bucky blinked, feeling the tell-tale burning of unshed tears behind his eyelids every time he did. Natasha looked stoic for the most part. Bucky saw it though. He saw the flicker of compassion in her green eyes, the echo of sadness behind her irises. Steve's hand brushed from his upper arm to his back gently and Bucky relaxed immediately, leaning closer to Steve, silently begging for more comfort. "Well then Bucky," Natasha smiled at him warmly, "I'm really pleased to meet you. Why don't you come inside?" She turned on her heel with the elegance of a ballerina, waving her hand in the air dismissively before looking over her shoulder and saying, "Clint should be with you boys in a moment."

"Was that a test?" Steve asked hoarsely, watching Natasha walk back to the building. His fingers were now twisted into the back of Bucky's t-shirt that was straining against his shoulders, holding up the weight of Steve's arm. "You can bet your ass it was." Sam laughed, shaking his head at Natasha.

"Hey Steve?" Bucky felt a wave of relief flood over him when Steve's blue eyes were finally looking at him again. It puzzled him but he decided to bench his thoughts on that feeling for a later stage. There was something far more important on is mind.

"Steve… where are we?"


The entrance hall resembled that of a vet's practice with white linoleum flooring and a large, wooden reception desk opposite to the door. Pictures of animals and a notice board were hung up on the wall of the waiting area that was situated to the right of the reception desk. Natasha was nowhere to be seen. She had probably disappeared through one of two doors, one of which was behind the reception desk.

"Steve I'm sorry about-."

"No." Bucky had wanted to apologize for his behaviour outside but Steve was quick to correct him, smiling at him with so much compassion that Bucky felt like he would drown in it at any moment, "You didn't do anything wrong." He promised his friend, raising his hand to brush a strand of brown hair behind Bucky's ear, "Natasha was pushing your buttons on purpose. She was just analysing you. She likes to do that with new people."

"And you passed the test." Sam chimed, earning a vehement nod of agreement from Steve who was now beaming proudly.

"Oh." Bucky breathed out, looking down at his feet. He didn't quite know how to respond. He was saved from figuring it out though, by the sound of a door opening. Their attention was drawn to the door on their left that had just opened. A sturdy man with short blond hair sauntered in. He had a causal air about him, one that put Bucky at ease. He was wearing grey jogging pants and a purple pullover that almost managed to hide the lean muscles underneath. His blue eyes were trained on the floor and his head was bobbing along to a tune he had stuck in his head. "Clint?" Sam spoke up but the man, Clint, didn't respond, "Why the hell does he switch his hearing aids off when he knows he's expecting visitors?" Sam directed the question at Steve who shrugged comically, earning a sigh from Sam.

"Oh!" Clint had finally noticed them one he was close enough to notice them in his periphery vision. His bright blue eyes shining welcomingly and a lazy smile showed his white teeth. His hand lifted to his ears, one at a time, to switch on both of his hearing aids. "Now I can hear ya!" He announced triumphantly, "How long have you guys been standin' there?" He added.

"Long enough." Sam scoffed playfully and Steve shoved at him, rolling his eyes at Sam. Clint on the other hand, was now looking at Bucky, leaving Sam and Steve to push at each other a little more. "You must be Sergeant Barnes."
"Just Bucky." Bucky offered and Clint nodded eagerly, wearing one of the largest grins Bucky had ever seen.

"My name's Clint Barton. I own this place here." He didn't reach out his hand for Bucky to shake. Instead he gave the taller brunette a firm nod that was returned readily. Bucky liked Clint. To the untrained eye, Clint might have come across as nonchalant. It was quite the opposite to that actually. Bucky could see the way Clint watched everyone like a hawk but in a way that hardly anyone would notice. Bucky wondered whether Clint had served at some point. He studied the man's neck briefly, trying to spot the chain link necklace their dog tags were put on but he found nothing. Then again, Bucky also hadn't worn his dog tags since his therapy had started. "Are you ready Buck?" Steve voice had Bucky's entire attention immediately and he zoned back in to find Clint chatting to Sam about something animatedly and Steve keeping a watchful eye on his best friend.

Bucky didn't know what he needed to be ready for. Still, he knew just how good he was at adjusting to unexpected situations. "I am." Bucky confirmed with a small smile.

Besides, if Steve was with him, Bucky could face his worst nightmares if he needed to.


This was definitely not what Bucky had expected.

They were walking along a corridor made of glass walls. Large rooms filled with cats and kittens stretched out behind the walls. Cat flaps led out to what Bucky could only figure was one of the meadows he had seen. The furry little creatures crowded against the glass walls, peering curiously at the newcomers, paws and noses pushed up against the cold glass. Some meowed, unheard through the thick glass but Bucky knew what meowing sounded like and his mind helpfully filled in the blanks.

"Hurry before I take one home." Sam muttered, averting his eyes from a particularly cute ball of fluff, undoubtedly a kitten, staring intently at him with the cutest green eyes imaginable. "Wouldn't do you any harm." Clint looked at Sam over his shoulder, smirking.

"Are you trying to play at the fact that I don't have a girlfriend?" Sam countered with a mock-glare.

"Hey." Clint lifted his hands up in surrender, "You said it, not me."

"What is this?" Bucky asked, looking from the kittens to Steve who looked rather smitten with the many felines surrounding them.

"You're at Barton's Pet Shelter my friend." Clint spoke up before Steve could, "Sam and Steve asked me for a little favour which is why you're here today."

"What favour?" Just as Bucky asked that, they reached the end of the passage and walked through a pair of swinging wooden doors. The room behind the doors was built up in a similar fashion to the corridor with side walls made completely of glass. Dogs and cats of all sizes and breeds were housed in the many large kennels lit up by skylights that let in the sun's radiant light. Each kennel had access to the meadows that were fenced off according to race and breed of the animals. A small desk stood in front of a small section of the wall made of brick. A panorama window along the rest of the back wall gave a great view of a meadow clearly used for dog training.

"Come with me then, Bucky." Clint gestured for Bucky to follow him but the latter hesitated when he noticed that Steve wasn't making a move to follow Clint. "I'll catch up in a few minutes." Steve promised with an earnest smile. Bucky didn't budge. Going off with Clint and leaving Steve there made Bucky feel anxious. "I promise I'll be right there, Buck, trust me." Steve encouraged him, waving him in Clint's direction. Bucky looked at Steve for a long moment before relenting and following Clint to one of the doors between two kennels, looking at Steve over his shoulder before going through said door and disappearing out of sight.

"Calm down there." Sam spoke up once he was sure that Bucky was gone. Steve was bouncing on the balls of his feet restlessly. Now that Bucky was no longer around, Steve could openly show just how excited and impatient he was. "I really wanna know if this works or not." Steve admitted sheepishly, trying to force himself to hold still. His muscles were twitching uncomfortably, his hands drumming against his thighs. Sam chuckled. "Of course it'll work. We need to give him a chance to go in there on his own first though. He needs to make a choice by himself without relying on you for directions."
"Do you really think he still relies that much on me?" Steve asked Sam although he knew the answer already, receiving a deadpan expression in reply that had Steve laughing, "Okay I get it." He held his hands up in surrender, still laughing quietly to himself.

"And somehow…" Sam hesitated, pocketing his hands and looking out the panorama window while he continued, "I think you'd hate it if he didn't depend on you anymore."

"That's not true!" Steve protested immediately but even he could hear how unconvincing that sounded.

"He's always gonna need you Steve." Sam assured him with a smile, "Just like you're always gonna need him. You guys're sappy like that."

That had Steve grinning like an idiot.


When Steve was finally allowed to join Bucky, Sam and him found Clint standing outside a kennel, arms crossed and smiling. At first, while they walked over to the kennel, Steve could only see Clint. Once he was standing next to Clint though, and his eyes had settled on Bucky, he was smiling just as much as Clint was, if not more. Bucky was settled into the corner of a small room with fake grass on the floor. His legs were spread out in front of him, essentially covered by dog bodies that looked to be around one to two years old. The dogs ranged from Golden Retrievers to German Shepard dogs, all scrambling around clumsily without a care in the world, inspecting the new addition to the room with great interest. Each young dog had a bandana tied around its neck, red for female and blue for male. It was only once Steve had managed to take in the bustling bunch of puppies that he managed to really focus on Bucky. As soon as Steve took in the peaceful, carefree look on Bucky's face, his hand lifted to cover his mouth, silencing a gasp.

"I know right?" Clint muttered, "He was pretty lost at first but they were so eager that he eventually just sat down to let them do their thing. Now he's like a completely different person. He's got good energy. They love 'em."

"And it looks like he's made his choice." Sam chimed. There, nestled in Bucky's arms lay a young snow white German Shepard, one ear pointed upright while the other flopped to the side cutely. It looked to be the smallest of the group with messy white fur and a bony face. Its deep brown eyes were trained on Bucky who was smiling down at it. The dog barked, bobbing its head a few times before ducking down to lick Bucky's metal arm. It obviously didn't like the taste of it because it shook its head, flopping its ears back and forth. It looked to Steve as though Bucky laughed at that, lifting his right hand to pet the dog on the head. Steve had to remind himself to breathe. Relief, happiness, pride, sadness- all of those emotions and more came bubbling up in Steve like a geyser and he pursed his lips, focusing on his breathing to calm himself down. He felt a little teary even and of course Bucky chose that moment to look up and see Steve standing on the other side of the glass. His storm-blue eyes widened marginally and his mouth fell open right before spreading into a huge grin. The grinning figure of Bucky turned into a blob in Steve's vision and he bowed his head, laughing defeatedly while trying to wipe his tears away. He heard the door to the kennel open, heard Clint complain about "hyperactive puppers" and then he felt a cold nose against his cheek. He laughed, lifting his head to find two brown eyes looking up at him soulfully. For the briefest of moments, Steve wondered how Bucky managed to actually hold the dog without dropping her. "Hey there." Steve greeted the German Shephard. Her white tail started wagging back and forth enthusiastically and she nudged at Steve again for some more attention. She leant forward so much that she had to prop herself up against Bucky's arms and only then did Steve see that the ball of messy fur only had three legs. Her left front leg was missing. Steve looked from the dog to Bucky who was watching Steve intently. Steve had a question in his eyes, a question that was immediately answered once he'd looked Bucky in the eyes. Yes. Bucky had made his choice.

"She's your service dog." Steve explained breathlessly, "She's been trained to help veterans like you deal with PTSD."

"Graduated two days ago, actually." Clint added, pride evident in his voice. Realization spread across Bucky's features and he looked back down at the dog in his arms, holding her a little closer now. "This is the surprise?" He asked Steve quietly, raising his eyes again slowly.

"Yeah Buck. You're done with your intense therapy. Getting you a service dog was the last step. It's been a year now." Steve averted his eyes, swallowing his way around the lump in his throat, "A year ago today, I was called to the police station to help a veteran with an extreme case of PTSD."

"She'll snap you out of any flashbacks or panic attacks that you may have." Sam explained, "When you have nightmares she'll wake you up as well before they can get out of control. This dog is your ticket to living independently."

"You're free now Buck." Steve whispered, knowing that talking any louder would make his voice give out, "Rhodey says you're free to move into your own apartment now too." A wave of sadness washed over Steve like a shower of cold water and he bowed his head, trying to hide his emotions as best as he could.

Bucky was free now.

He could come and go as he pleased. He could take whatever direction he desired for his life. He could look for a new job a new apartment- start a new life. Steve tried to remind himself of what Sam had said earlier, that Bucky would always need him and it dawned on him that Sam must have said it on purpose. Sam must have known that Steve was eventually going to worry about Bucky leaving him now that he had his ticket to freedom.

"Thank you." Bucky bent down, putting the dog down carefully before straightening up again. Steve was still looking at anything but Bucky so he didn't notice Bucky take a step towards him until Bucky brushed his left hand over Steve's right wrist to get his attention. "Thank you." He repeated when Steve looked up at him. It was like Bucky was desperate to make Steve understand just how thankful he was. "Thank you for everything that you've done Stevie. You saved my life."

"It's a pleasure Buck."

"Will you do me one more favour though?" Bucky ducked his head a little, looking uncertain. Steve smiled at him, nodding vehemently in hopes that it would encourage Bucky to talk. Of course he'd do Bucky a favour. In fact, now that Steve thought about it, this was the first favour Bucky was asking for ever since he'd asked Steve to trigger him.

"Let me stay with you Steve. Please. I want to stay with you."


There you go! I really hope you enjoyed it!

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And thank you so so much for reading the fanfiction up until now!