Hello dear readers! I sincerely apologise for the late update. Some family matters came up and I only finished the chapter yesterday!
Well so here you have chapter 20!

And thank you so much for reading up until now! This fanfiction ended up becoming a lot longer than I had originally planned but I've become really attached to these two boys and I guess I wanted to explore the aspects of PTSD and Bucky's development as much as possible! Also, thank you so, so much for your wonderful reviews up until now, like I said before, they really inspire me to keep writing!

With all that having been said, enjoy chapter 20 guys!


Chapter 20

"I ain't ever gonna let you out of my sight again Stevie. Every time you go on these things you act like a complete idiot."

Steve put his duffle bag down with a heavy sigh, enjoying the thumping noise the heavy bag made when it hit the floor. It felt good to be out of his uniform again and back in their new apartment. They hadn't lived there long enough to think of it as home but Steve knew that Bucky was there, probably in his own room with his own duffle bag and wherever Bucky was, that was home for Steve. He took a moment to take in his new room with its smooth ivory walls, wooden panelling and familiar, worn furniture. He let his smartphone slide out of his hand and onto his desk before turning to his bed with the intention to flop onto it. He stalled, socked feet shifting on the floor. His eyebrows furrowed a little when he saw that his duvet was crumpled, as if someone had lain on it. Steve always made his bed conscientiously, especially when he knew that he wasn't going to be home for a while. The only explanation Steve could think of was that Bucky had been in his room, on his bed while he had been gone. He turned in a circle slowly, studying his room for any other clues but found none. Everything had remained untouched, neatly sorted into drawers and shelves. His eyes came to rest on his bed again and his face softened immediately, an endearing smile colouring his face.

Bucky had always been very touchy-feely, very open in showing how much Steve meant to him. While Steve was certain that Bucky didn't return the romantic feelings that Steve had for him, his fond behaviour towards Steve always made it very difficult for Steve to hide his feelings for his best guy. Still, it felt extremely good to see that the torture Bucky had endured, hadn't changed Bucky's feelings for Steve. Bucky was starting to act like his old self again and Steve was almost too afraid to admit how much he'd missed the touchy-feely side of Bucky.

He pulled his left arm out of the sling the doctor had given him, cringing when he felt the wound complain due to the movement. He left the sling on his bed, carefully pulling off his brown leather jacket before unzipping his duffle bag. He began unpacking it methodically, sorting clothing back into drawers or into a heap at the door for laundry. He hummed to himself while he worked, letting his mind wander a little, let himself look into the future now, think about where they were going to go from here. Everything felt a lot lighter now. Fury had promised that Shield's main objective would now become taking Hydra apart bit by bit and knowing that Bucky was going to be kept out of it, was like winning the lottery for Steve.

He was snapped out of his content thoughts by his stomach giving off a low rumble. He laughed lightly, abandoning his bag and getting up. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't had anything to eat all day. His mind wandered to Bucky and he began worrying about how hungry Bucky may be. Bucky's metabolism burned four times faster than that of a normal human being, surely that meant he'd be starving by now? Without a moment's hesitation, Steve had gotten up, shoving his duffle bag closer to the bed before making his way out of his room. He paused at the entrance to the living room, listening out for any noises to pinpoint Bucky's location. Flake didn't come sprinting out of the nearest corner to greet Steve so he assumed that she must be in Bucky's room which was probably also where Bucky was. His eyes wandered around the living space, smiling at the pictures Bucky and Steve had put up on a shelf near the TV. Bucky didn't have any photos anymore but Steve had plenty of the two of them and each of their families. He sauntered through the living room and into the open kitchen, letting his hand slide along the smooth marble surface of the island in the middle of the kitchen. Steve could definitely get used to this and now that Hydra was out of the picture, Steve finally allowed himself to think that maybe, he could actually keep all of this: the new apartment, Flake, Bucky- his new life and his new family.

He took up humming again while he searched the kitchen for ingredients that could make up an edible meal. He eventually settled on preparing spaghetti carbonara, a simple yet filling dish. He made sure to measure out an extra helping of noodles… or maybe two, for Bucky. The noodles waited patiently off to the side while Steve filled up a pot with water and set it down on the oven, turning the dial on the oven to high. He then plundered the fridge for the right ingredients for the carbonara, setting them all out on the working surface to the right of the oven. The sauce wouldn't take as long as the noodles so Steve decided to focus on those first. He moved to the oven again, leaning a hand on each side of the ceramic plates, looming over the pot to watch the water heat up. Again, he let his mind wander as much as it wanted to, feeling content for the first time in a long while. Of course his mind ended up lingering on Bucky and a stupid smile spread across Steve's face while he wondered about what the future would bring for Bucky.

"What are you doing?" Steve jumped, whirling around to face the source of the voice, almost tripping over his own feet in the process.

"You scared me Buck." Steve relaxed, smiling at Bucky who was standing only a few meagre feet away from Steve, leaning against the island. Bucky's eyes flicked from Steve's face to his left arm, his eyebrows furrowing before he let his eyes travel back to Steve's eyes slowly.

"Where is the sling the doctor gave you?" He asked Steve flatly. The blond shifted uncomfortably, pushing his lower back into the countertop behind him, wishing he could back away a little more. "I left it in my room." Steve replied, "Can't cook with one arm."

"I got two." Bucky retorted tightly. His shoulders were beginning to tense up and he was working his jaw slightly. Steve watched Bucky warily, noting the increasing amount of anger playing behind his stormy irises. This wasn't about the sling. Steve knew Bucky well enough to know that he was nit-picking now in an attempt to distract himself from something that was really bothering him. Steve turned back to the oven, watching the bubbles rise to the top of the seething water and pop there. He would have put the noodles in soon. He let out a slow breath, composing himself before turning the stove off and facing Bucky again. Bucky's facial expression was guarded and yet Steve could see hurt and anger bubbling under the surface like molten lava seeping through small cracks in the rock, ready to scald you if you got too close. "Sorry 'bout the sling." Steve said, allowing a sheepish smile, "I thought you might be hungry so…" His voice trailed off when he noticed that his words did nothing for the tension in Bucky's body.

"When were you gonna tell me?" Bucky asked Steve coolly.

"You're going to have to be more specific Buck." Steve pointed out gently, trying not to upset Bucky even more.

"Your last bloody mission with Shield." Bucky growled, "You didn't resign. You were discharged."

Bloody Nick Fury! Damn it Steve should have known not to leave Bucky alone with his former boss!

"Were you ever gonna tell me the truth about that?! Or did ya think that lying to me was good enough?!" Steve sucked in a trembling breath.

"Bucky I-."

"No Steve." Bucky interrupted his best friend harshly, raising his voice angrily, "Don't you make up any fucking excuses ye'hear me?!"

"Could you…" Steve bowed his head, closing his eyes as tightly as he could for a moment, "You know I don't like it when you swear like that."

"And I don't like bein' lied to. Guess we both don't get what we want!" Bucky took a step closer to Steve angrily. If Steve lifted his arm now, he would be able to touch Bucky's chest.

"But do you know what`s worse than that though?" Bucky continued, "I hate what you did on your last mission. Fuck if I had been there, I would'a clobbered you. I swear, you ending up in hospital 'cause of me is better than you ending up dead!"

Steve wanted to snap right back but the raw emotion in Bucky's voice made Steve's insides tremble, made him hesitate. If he hadn't already felt extremely guilty for what he had done on his last mission with Shield, he definitely did now. Before finding Bucky in the interrogation room, Steve had often wondered what Bucky would have said if he were alive, if he had been there to watch Steve fall apart before almost making one of the biggest mistakes of his life. Now Steve had his answer and although it put him at ease to finally know, it hurt a thousand times worse than he had expected. The way Bucky was standing there, right in front of him, the way he was holding his body, the way he was looking at him- all of it was almost impossible to bear.

"I finished my mission Buck." Steve insisted a little defensively, mirroring the frown on Bucky's face and squaring his broad shoulders.

"Surprised you did!" Bucky exclaimed, anger lacing every letter, every vowel, "Considering you almost got yourself killed yesterday."

"I was doing it to protect you Bucky!" Steve stressed, feeling like he was drowning in Bucky's anger, helpless, defenceless and feeling that he deserved every last ounce of Bucky's anger. "I'm not worth all that Steve!" Bucky yelled, "I never wanted you to get hurt because of me but you just keep…" He paused, clenching his jaw so hard that Steve could hear his teeth grind together, "You keep doing it… over and over again and I can't stop you."

"That's because it was my choice." Steve lowered his voice, a counterweight to Bucky's anger.

"You almost died!" Bucky yelled, throwing his arms in the air. His eyes were darting and it put Steve on alert, made him nervous.

Bucky had never been this angry at Steve before and Steve, if he was honest with himself, had no idea how to deal with it. He wasn't the type of person who would just roll over and show his belly at the first sign of confrontation. Normally if someone pushed, Steve would push right back. Thing is, Steve didn't want to push back with Bucky. He wanted to pull. He wanted to pull Bucky in and hold him close, feel the heat Bucky's anger put in his cheeks, stroke his hand along Bucky's back until his muscles relaxed. He wanted to promise Bucky that he was fine now, that they were fine now. He wanted to apologize over and over again until Bucky stopped looking at him like that, until Bucky wasn't angry at him anymore because Stevie I'm gonna come back! I swear I will. What's the point of dying if it means I can't look after ya anymore? You don't die for your friends, you live for them. I'll be back Stevie. Open the door. Please. Just open the door. I'm sorry that I gotta go. I'm sorry Stevie. I'm so sorry.

Steve blinked, bowing his head when he felt his eyes begin to burn. After giving himself a much needed moment to compose himself, he lifted his eyes slowly until he could see Bucky's angry face again, cringing at the sight. "Yeah." Steve conceded, "I know I almost died."

"Then why the hell did you do it?!" There was a sense of urgency to Bucky now, like understanding would give him the possibility to stop Steve from being so reckless in future. It was like he wanted to understand, desperately so, so that he could comprehend what could drive Steve to almost thoughtlessly throw his life away.

"Because I'd rather die trying to save you than lose you again." Steve explained calmly, eyes locking in with Bucky's with a stubbornness that could only belong to Steve Rogers, "The first time almost killed me, Fury told you all about that, and the second time? What do you think that would do to me?"

"But you're not allowed to leave me!" Bucky yelled, his voice cracking at the end of the sentence. His metal arm lifted, clutching onto Steve's right arm with bruising force, "You're the only thing keeping me alive Steve! Stop trying to save me! Don't you see that you already have?!"

The silence that followed was a stifling contrast to Bucky's rough, loud voice. Bucky blinked, looking confused and totally beside himself. His breathing sounded more like panting, like he'd just run a marathon. Steve watched the anger melt from Bucky's features, replaced by a vulnerability of sorts that made Steve's heart ache.

"I ain't going anywhere Buck. Not anymore." Steve promised him hoarsely, completely overwhelmed by the strength of Bucky's emotions, "I'm so sorry for upsetting you."

"Damn it." Bucky sighed, closing the distance between them and pushing against Steve, "I'm so sorry Stevie." Bucky mumbled into Steve's shoulder, arms moving to wrap around Steve's waist and pull him even closer. Steve flushed, having to take a deep breath before his vocal chords agreed to cooperate again. "What're you apologizing for Buck?"

"I yelled at ya." He mumbled, burying his face impossibly deeper in the crook of Steve's warm neck, "I'm so sorry for yelling at ya Steve. Don't know what came over me."

"It's okay." Steve smiled, returning the embrace willingly, enjoying how close he was to Bucky. He ran two fingers along the line of Bucky's spine gently, repeating the motion until Bucky's muscles began going slack. Bucky groaned, leaning against Steve so much that the countertop behind Steve started digging into his lower back painfully. Still, Steve couldn't find it in him to tell Bucky to move.

"He looked so much like you." Steve conceded.

"What're ya talking about Steve?" Bucky asked, brushing his right thumb over the strip of skin between Steve's pants and his t-shirt that had slipped up slightly. It made Steve want to shiver.

"My last mission with Shield. It was a routine mission. We were supposed to storm a warehouse close to Orlando, flush out the drug dealers, arrest their boss. Everything went well until I was standing across from the man I was supposed to arrest. He looked so much like you." Steve had to take a moment to breathe. It wasn't something he liked talking about, especially not to Bucky. "I just froze up I guess. Every time I looked him in the eyes, I kept seeing you; the way I saw you in all my nightmares- falling. And there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. It's like everything came down on me in that moment. It was too much! You were gone and…" Steve broke off when his voice began to shake, forcing back the tears that wanted to fall.

"Stevie!" Bucky sounded faintly reproachful but his voice was soft and caring nonetheless, "Why didn't you tell me this months ago?"

"I'm not particularly proud of what I did that day Buck. I didn't just put my own life in danger, but that of my entire team. If I had arrested him right then and there without hesitating, he wouldn't have been able to alert his entire gang."

"You were hurting real bad, weren't you?" Bucky asked him, his metal arm moving to stretch across Steve's back protectively.

"It felt like I was dying Buck." Steve admitted hoarsely, "I just couldn't forget you, couldn't stop thinking about you. I kept wondering if you were angry at me for what I said to you before you left, if that was the last thing you thought of before you died."

"I wasn't angry." Bucky assured Steve firmly, "I could never stay mad at your mug." That made Steve chuckle.

"I'm sorry for being so reckless Buck."

"S'fine. I'm here now… to bail you out of all the crap you do. Just like old times."

Steve sighed, leaning his head on Bucky's shoulder, taking in Bucky's smell, enjoying how it made him feel right at home. They were silent for a moment, just standing there, in each other's arms, enjoying the embrace. It was Steve who broke the content silence first.

"And for the record," Steve smiled against the skin at the base of Bucky's neck, "You are worth it."

"Gonna make me blush Stevie." Bucky laughed, nuzzling Steve unthinkingly before lifting his head curiously, remembering that Steve had been busy in the kitchen before their little chat. "What were ya making?" He added, eyes lingering on the noodles before scrutinizing the ingredients Steve had set out. With a gentle push, Steve had Bucky letting go of him and he immediately missed Bucky's warmth on his skin. "Spaghetti carbonara." Steve laughed when Bucky's eyes lit up.

"Damn well read my mind Stevie!" Bucky grinned, "I've been starving for hours now."

"Figured." Steve grinned back, "Which is why I wanted to make some." He reached for the dial on the stove but Bucky put his metal hand out, taking a hold of Steve's right wrist gently. "C'mon Buck, really?" Steve wined but quickly realized that this argument wasn't going to be one that he would win.

"You go get that sling back on your arm and I'll finish up here." Bucky instructed sternly, shaking his head when Steve rolled his eyes, "Don't make me carry you Stevie. Don't think for a second I can't still pick you up now that you're all big."

"Yeah, yeah I got it." Steve muttered, shooting Bucky a glare that quickly morphed into a silly smile when Bucky smirked at him.

"Punk." Bucky muttered endearingly as he watched Steve walk back to his room. Once Steve was out of sight, he turned to the stove and switched it on. A gentle smile was pulling at the corners of his mouth. "Gets shot in the arm and still tries to cook some food for us." He chuckled, shaking his head before turning his attention to cooking dinner, trying not to focus too much on the butterflies in his stomach.

"Stevie hasn't changed a damn bit."


There you go guys! I really hope you enjoyed it! Please please let me know what you guys think! Reviews are very much welcome!

See you next week!