Well hello everyone! I hope you guys have had a nice week so far!
This chapter has not been beta read so I really hope it's okay. Don't hesitate to let me know what you guys think! Also, if you have any requests or prompts, feel free to message me here! :)
Enjoy~
Chapter 22
Steve didn't know what had woken him. He cracked open one eye, looking at his window to find nothing but darkness lurking beyond the glass. He peeked at the open door, wondering if Flake was coming to say hi. That's when he remembered that Flake was at Clint's for the weekend. He groaned, turning away from the door and pulling his blanket up to his chin, snuggling up to his wonderfully soft and warm pillow, ready to fall asleep again and hopefully sleep til morning.
That's when he heard what had woken him.
A shrill cry. A sound that Steve had never heard come out of Bucky's mouth before. It even took his mind a moment to realize that it was Bucky screaming. It just sounded so removed from anything remotely human or familiar. He'd witnessed many a nightmare-filled night but this seemed too real to be a dream; too loud, too violent. He was upright in bed within seconds, breaths shuddering in his chest when he exhaled. For a moment, Steve panicked. What if Zola had survived? No. Steve shook his head vehemently. He'd witnessed Zola's death first-hand. But what if burning those files hadn't been enough? What if Hydra had come for Bucky? Surely no dream could make a man scream like that? It sounded like he was in actual pain, doused in alcohol and set on fire. By the time he'd finished that thought, he had detangled himself from his warm haven of blankets. As soon as his feet hit the floor, he was up, darting to his room door as quickly as his legs willed. The rest of the apartment was dark and Steve had not the time nor state of mind to look for light switches. The problem was, he didn't know their new apartment the way he had his old one so he bumped into furniture and stumbled into walls, swearing under his breath while he rushed over to Bucky's room, wincing every time Bucky screamed again. Every scream seemed to become louder and more anguished. Steve wanted to block his ears and pretend like it didn't sound like someone was torturing Bucky. He'd never wanted to hear Bucky sound like that but now he had, he was certain that he wasn't about to forget that sound anytime soon. It was probably going to make an appearance in Steve's nightmares about Bucky, there was no doubt about that.
He burst through Bucky's bedroom door, coming to an abrupt halt in the middle of his room when his eyes found his best friend. Unlike Steve's room window, Bucky's let in the moon's light, illuminating a thrashing, sweating Bucky Barnes. Bucky's tank top-covered torso was arching away from the blanket as thought someone was hurting him and his body was convulsing under the torture. His face was scrunched up in agony and tears were running down his face. His hands were buried in the blankets, twisting them with so much force that his metal hand tore right through the thin fabric, filling the room with the sound of ripping cloth. Steve was spooked, shocked into silence for much longer than he might want, his mind stumbling over every painful detail while he tried to wrap his mind around the sight before him.
Bucky had had many nightmares but none of them had been expressed like this. He'd sweat, mumble in his sleep and maybe flinch but not thrash about like a man being murdered.
"Bucky?" Steve called out in a shaking voice but Bucky didn't respond. Instead, he screamed again, white teeth flashing in the light of the moon. The sound, now combined with seeing Bucky in front of him, shook Steve to the core, made his heart stutter in his chest and his breath hitch. He didn't want to hear that. He didn't want to hear Bucky make that sound. Didn't want to see Bucky writhe in pain.
Never again.
"Buck? Come on Bucky you gotta wake up." Steve tried to call to him again but yet again, there was no response from Bucky except for more writhing and teeth-clenching. Steve covered his face with his hands, repressing the sudden urge to scream as loudly as he could. He knew what he had to do now, knew that he had to place himself in to the line of fire to get his best friend out of his nightmare. Touch usually backfired with Bucky when he was having a nightmare but it was also the most effective way to wake him up. It didn't hurt Bucky. Steve on the other hand, it might just hurt- badly. Still, getting hurt was a small price to pay for Steve if it meant helping Bucky.
Steve took a deep breath, wincing loudly when Bucky screamed again, body arching away from the mattress, legs kicking out violently. "Steve!" The name slipped out of Bucky's mouth in a shrill, broken cry for help when Steve thought that Bucky had no more air left in his lungs to scream. Steve's body went cold as he watched Bucky collapse back onto the blanket with a whimper. Zola's words came back to him like a punch to the gut, making him feel winded and dizzy.
"Then he screamed your name like a plea, like an echo. It was how we knew he was losing himself."
"I'm here Bucky!" Steve called out desperately, rushing to Bucky's side just to hover over his best friend uselessly, "Buddy I'm right here! Open your eyes Buck!" But Bucky didn't open his eyes. Whatever nightmare he was in, it had its cold fingers wrapped tightly around Bucky's mind. He was stuck and it was up to Steve to get him out.
Steve took a deep breath to calm himself, readying himself for whatever Bucky might do once Steve woke him. Slowly, he climbed on top of the bed, straddling Bucky's hips with his legs without touching the man- not quite yet. He had to hurry before Bucky's body convulsed again. He lowered his right hand slowly, watching Bucky's face while he did so. His hand wrapped around Bucky's cold metal wrist carefully. He had expected Bucky to jerk awake but he didn't; instead he kept shaking his head from left to right violently as if he were trying to escape the images in his mind. Steve's heart was racing, his lungs begging for more air but he ignored it resolutely. He bent forward, his torso now hovering above Bucky's. With his left hand, he moved to hold onto Bucky's right wrist.
The first thing Steve noticed when he touched Bucky's skin, was how incredibly warm his friend was. Then, he noticed how Bucky's body stilled before jolting awake. Bucky's eyes flew open and he gasped, drawing in a large gulp of air like a man that had been seconds away from drowning. Steve moved to restrict Bucky's movements, legs pushing against Bucky's thighs to keep him still. "Steve!" Bucky begged breathlessly, eyes darting frantically while he tried to get up and away from the constraints blindly, "Stevie!"
"I'm here." Steve promised, tears coming to his eyes at how lost and desperate Bucky sounded, "Bucky can you see me? I'm right here." Steve tried to smile, releasing his grip on Bucky's wrists and leaning down a little farther so that Bucky could see him better in the moon's light. Bucky's large eyes, of which the blue was almost completely swallowed by his dilated pupils, were studying Steve's face frantically before they settled. His mouth bent into a loving smile that softened his entire face and the horror melted away, creases in his skin vanishing like old memories.
"Steve."
"Yeah. It's me Buck." At that, Bucky's entire body went slack and his smile widened a little, "You had a nightmare."
"Nightmare?" Bucky looked confused. His eyes shifted, like he was tempted to look around but too afraid to look away from Steve.
"Yeah. You were asleep buddy." Steve explained quietly, his voice but a whisper in the dead of night.
"It was a dream." Bucky nodded, frowning confusedly for a moment, his focus shifting to himself briefly before he diverted his undivided attention to Steve again. He lifted his right hand, touching it to Steve's left cheek in the gentlest of touches. His hand trembled and was still slightly damp from the sweat but Steve didn't mind. He studied Bucky's face much in the same way that Bucky was studying his. Steve waited patiently, holding his breath while Bucky stroked his fingers over Steve's cheekbones like he was trying to convince himself that Steve was real.
"You with me Bucky?" Steve asked him after a long moment, hoping that he didn't sound as breathless as he felt. Bucky blinked, seeming to come back to reality. Steve regretted having said something immediately because Bucky dropped his hand, the wide-eyed look falling from his features immediately.
"I am." Bucky croaked, "My name is Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. I am a retired sniper of the elite infantry regiment the 107th. I was captured by Hydra, tortured and brainwashed. A mission went wrong and Shield found me and brought me back to America where you found me one and a half years ago." Bucky arched a brow in a request for Steve to confirm the information.
"Right." Steve nodded briefly.
"I'm with you." Bucky mumbled, averting his eyes from Steve's when Steve's face betrayed his concern. Instead, Bucky settled on staring at the ceiling blankly, tapping out a rhythm on his chest with his metal hand to give himself something to do.
"Do you want to sit up?" Steve asked sheepishly, trying to fill the silence. Bucky nodded immediately. Steve climbed off Bucky quickly, helping him sit up against his headboard.
Once Bucky had settled, Steve picked up a torn piece of blanket, using it to wipe away the moisture on Bucky's face carefully, trying not to focus on the way Bucky's lips were still trembling and the way Bucky was working hard at averting his eyes. Steve was tempted to ask Bucky what was going on in his head but Steve knew better than to push Bucky. As difficult as it sometimes was, he had to wait for Bucky to speak up of his own accord. And so he did; wiping away the last traces of Bucky's tears and his sweat from his face, his neck and the part of his chest that was showing.
"Did I…?" Bucky couldn't finish the question but he didn't have to- Steve knew exactly what he was asking.
"No." Steve promised him, "You didn't do anything this time."
"Good." Bucky swallowed, lifting both hands to scrub at his face, "God Stevie…" He trailed off, shaking his head and pinching his eyes closed as tightly as possible before letting out a shuddering breath.
"It was a nightmare." Steve reminded him softly, pleadingly, begging Bucky to look at him again, to show him what he was feeling.
"It was a dream." Bucky nodded, seeming to only realize it now although he'd said it himself before, "You're here." The confused frown returned to his face again. His eyes darted around the room for a brief moment before settling on Steve again. Steve relaxed visibly despite the new look of desperation breaking through to the surface of Bucky's irises, making his eyes shimmer. "Stevie you're here."
"I am. Always am Buck." Steve promised him earnestly, wanting Bucky to know for certain that Steve meant that with every fibre in his strong body. He shifted to sit in front of Bucky, cross-legged with his hands resting in his lap, watching Bucky attentively.
Steve's facial expression flickered between brave and broken continuously, his lips quivering and his eyebrows furrowing. Looking at Bucky now, with his short hair and shaven jaw, Steve felt more like he was talking to the Bucky from five years ago and not the man that had been tortured for so long. His emotions were flaring up and stuttering, his mind racing, unable to decide which emotion was more important, which words to use, which parts of all of this to show Bucky. It was like he was trying to deal with two people at the same time and it was something that his mind simply couldn't compute.
"You weren't there though." Bucky muttered confusedly, his frown deepening, a lost sort of look washing over his face. It made Bucky look even younger, almost childlike with round expressive eyes and a pouty mouth that was hanging open with trembling lips. Bucky averted his eyes, looking down at his hands of which one shimmered in the moon's soft touches, "But you're here now." He looked up at Steve again, the unmistakable hint of a question lingering in the furrow of his brows.
"I am." Steve promised him again, biting down on his tongue, waiting patiently for Bucky to separate the dream from reality, secretly praying that he would be able to.
"I missed you Steve." Bucky gasped so suddenly that Steve jumped a little. Without warning, Bucky fell forward and against Steve in a clumsy movement so unlike the Winter Soldier that it made Steve's heart flutter. Steve grunted, having to push back with all his might to stop himself from falling backwards together with a much heavier Bucky.
"I missed you too Buck. More than you know." Steve promised, parting his legs enough for Bucky to fit his own legs in between Steve's. Bucky accepted the invitation readily, shifting to sit even closer to Steve, basking in the warmth that Steve's bare upper body emanated. "I'm sorry 'bout this." Bucky apologized hoarsely. His voice sounded sore, probably from all the screaming he had done.
"There's nothing you need to apologize for." Steve chided gently, wrapping his strong arms around Bucky to pull him into a hug, pretending like his left arm didn't hurt.
"Thanks."
"Nothing to thank me for either." Steve smiled, shifting when Bucky moved to lean his head against the spot right underneath Steve's left collarbone.
"You're a punk Stevie." Bucky muttered so quietly that Steve had almost missed it had he not been expecting something like that to come from Bucky.
"Yeah." Steve agreed, fingers playing idly with the tag at the back of Bucky's white tank top.
"My punk though." It was so quiet, so weak that Steve almost managed to convince himself that he had imagined it. Convincing himself that he'd just imagined it would have made things a lot easier for Steve but there was no denying it- Bucky had really just said that. The realization hit him like a strike of lightning, making him want to twitch. His chest filled up with a warmth that Steve had seldom felt but welcomed whole-heartedly.
"Sure Buck." Steve agreed, "But you knew that already."
Sam would be very proud of him. He was rolling with it. That thought made Steve smile a little.
Steve let the silence in the apartment envelope them for a moment, focusing on the quiet sound of their breathing. The quiet wasn't at all awkward but rather content and their bodies together felt warm and like two puzzle pieces slotting together perfectly.
It was only once Bucky let out a quiet sigh, relaxing into the embrace a little more, that Steve dared to speak up. "Do you wanna talk about it?" Steve offered. Bucky took a while to answer but Steve could sense that Bucky was thinking so he waited.
"They were trying to break me." Bucky muttered weakly in a voice raw with emotion and hurt, "Strapped me to a table. Hurt me. They were hurtin' me so bad Stevie. Kept asking me what my name was. They wanted me to forget my name Stevie. They kept hurtin' me more and more and asking. I kept telling them to go to hell."
"It was just a dream Bucky."
"It wasn't though Stevie."
"It is now." Steve replied gently, lifting his hand to slide it through Bucky's hair. The brunet groaned, lifting his head and resting it on Steve's shoulder to give Steve a better angle to play with his hair.
"If you don't stop, I might just fall asleep again." Bucky drawled, voice heavy with his Brooklyn accent.
"Isn't that the goal of all of this?" Steve asked him, enjoying the appreciative noises Bucky was making in the back of his throat.
"Guess so." Bucky shrugged weakly, "Could you… do me a favour though?" Steve felt Bucky's shoulders tense a little and his hand moved from Bucky's hair to his shoulders.
"What's the favour Buck?"
"Stay. I don't wanna be alone. Not after… you know." Bucky lifted his head from Steve's shoulder, presenting Steve with a face that didn't seem sure about whether to express bashfulness or contentment because Steve was now massaging Bucky's tense shoulders gently in an attempt to put him at ease again.
"Of course I'll stay Buck." Steve smiled at him, "It'll be just like when we were kids." Bucky's face lit up and relief flooded him, successfully getting his shoulders to slump. Steve smiled at him lightly, letting his hands drop onto Bucky's legs that the brunet had wrapped around Steve's waist loosely in order to sit closer to Steve.
"I woke you, didn't I?" Bucky asked him, bowing his head ashamedly when Steve nodded, the light in his grey-blue eyes dying out again.
"It ain't half bad though." Steve tried to cheer Bucky up immediately, wanting that light in Bucky's eyes back as desperately as a parched man wanting water, "Midnight chats were always our best."
"Yeah." Bucky smiled a little dreamily, "I remember those. Sitting on that ugly fire escape at your old apartment. Didn't you always look out for those two stray cats when we were out there? Making sure they were still alive?"
"You remember." Steve grinned at Bucky, the warm feeling in his chest spreading out through every inch of his body, making him feel slightly giddy.
"Yeah. Remembered that not too long ago actually." Bucky admitted, "I remember the way I could wrap my thumb and index fingers around your wrist too." The smile faded from Bucky's face and his eyes began to study Steve. He looked conflicted, a ghost of a frown pulling his eyebrows together slightly. His eyes moved from Steve's familiar but maybe slightly wider face to his thick neck, broad shoulders to his muscular arms. His wrists were somehow no longer thin and Bucky knew that he wouldn't be able to wrap his fingers around Steve's wrist anymore. Steve's hands though, they had stayed the same. Steve had always had big hands and no amount of training could change a person's hands. They were still soft, not made for combat but rather for artistic things.
"You okay?" Steve asked worriedly, massaging his thumb against Bucky's kneecap distractedly.
"Yeah." Bucky blinked, seeming to force the bothered look off of his face to avoid further questions, "Just shaken up."
"Understandably." Steve nodded, "I just wish those dreams were nothing but nightmares."
"Me too, pal." Bucky mumbled earnestly, laughing a somewhat self-deprecating laugh before leaning into Steve again in search for comfort. Steve wrapped one arm around Bucky's back while Bucky hugged Steve with both of his arms. Steve felt the unmistakable pressure of Bucky's metal arm against his back, squeezing slightly harder than his flesh arm did. The contrast between the cold metal and Bucky's warm skin almost gave Steve goosebumps.
"I'm sorry Buck." Steve muttered, resting his head against the side of Bucky's.
"What're you apologizing for?" Bucky asked him quietly. His voice was soft and resigned, the kind of tone his voice always had when he was tired.
"For all the things you were forced to go through."
"Not your fault." Bucky mumbled. He probably wanted to sound a lot more stubborn than he did but Bucky was getting heavier against Steve, suggesting that he was ready to sleep again. He'd never been good at staying awake when he was tired. Even when they were kids having a sleepover, Bucky would often fall asleep while listening to Steve talk about art. It wasn't that he didn't try to stay awake, he really did, but to no avail.
Steve chose not to argue with his tired best friend. Instead, his eyes took in the mess that was once Bucky's blanket. Bucky hadn't even realized that he'd destroyed his blanket. Bucky might not be hypervigilant anymore but he was still observant and it worried Steve that he hadn't taken note of his surroundings properly. Steve drew in a breath, faking a yawn that had Bucky looking up at him with wide eyes.
"You tired Stevie? Wanna get some sleep?"
"Sounds good to me." Steve smiled gently, his face softening at the concern written all over Bucky's face. Honestly, he should be more concerned with himself instead of Steve. "I wanna get my blanket alright? Will you wait up for me?" Steve asked.
"Sure Steve." Bucky nodded slowly, shifting back to sit against his headboard to give Steve the space to get up, watching him walk out, eyes trained on the line between Steve's shoulder blades.
Steve managed to make it back to Bucky's room without earning any new bruises from the furniture, holding up his blanket triumphantly when he joined Bucky again. "Dork." Bucky muttered fondly, making space for Steve on his bed.
"You noticed." Steve noted, looking at the neat pile of blanket shreds on the floor next to Bucky's bed. Bucky nodded, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. "Took a while but yeah. Sorry about that."
"Nothing we can't replace Bucky." Steve smiled warmly. Bucky knew what Steve meant by that. He meant as long as you're okay because for Steve, Bucky was absolutely irreplaceable.
The bed was a little wider than a single but it was still a tight squeeze for two men their size. Still, Steve had promised Bucky that he'd stay and that was exactly what he was planning to do. Before lying down, Steve spread his own blanket over Bucky's large body, making sure that even Bucky's bare feet where covered. Bucky took a deep breath, smiling up at Steve while the tall blond climbed into Bucky's bed rather awkwardly.
Steve felt clumsy, missing his small body that could fit anywhere so easily. His body felt too big for him now, difficult to control. His long limbs were awkwardly pushed together, trying to take up as little space as possible. He focused on trying to figure out where Bucky's limbs were in an attempt to avoid them, nervous about touching Bucky. The problem was, Steve was lying to Bucky's left, meaning that he was lying closest to Bucky's metal arm- the one that gave off absolutely no warmth.
"Hey Steve?" Steve jolted, lying stiff as a board while wondering for a second if Bucky had noticed Steve flinch.
"What's up?" Steve replied hesitantly.
"Thanks for this. I know this isn't really the way you wanted to spend your Saturday night."
"Honestly?" Steve turned his head to face Bucky, smiling when he found that Bucky had done the same, "I can't think of a place I'd rather be right now." Steve's words were met by the sort of grin Steve hadn't seen Bucky grin in over five years. It was beautiful and radiant without a care in the world. It reached all the way up to his eyes, making them crinkle at the edges, his eyes sparkling with a childlike joy. It stoles Steve's breath for a gruelling few seconds where he was rendered incapable of doing anything but stare. Bucky was beautiful. Like this, smiling like he hadn't just had a nightmare, smiling at Steve like nothing had changed over the past years. Like this, being himself, Bucky was absolutely beautiful.
"You're such a sap Stevie!" Bucky chuckled, using the strength of his metal arm to pull Steve into his arms. Steve's head came to rest on Bucky's left shoulder and his right leg moved to drape over Bucky's left leg.
"Won't your arm go…" Steve's voice trailed off when he realized what he was saying.
"Numb?" Bucky laughed, grinning when he managed to faintly make out the embarrassed blush on Steve's face, "Doubt it." He added, placing a kiss on Steve's temple in the middle of his giddy laughter. It was something Bucky had done so unthinkingly, so naturally that he probably hadn't even noticed. Steve on the other hand, definitely had and the gesture was enough to make Steve's face feel like it was about to melt right off of his bones. He bit his lip, closing his eyes as tightly as he could and counting down to ten before releasing a long, calming breath. He was grown man, he could handle this!
He listened to Bucky's quiet laughter until it gave way to a sigh that lifted Bucky's chest before letting it fall again. "Is this okay with you?" Bucky asked him after a long moment of content silence.
"Yeah. It is." Steve smiled, craning his neck to look up at Bucky who was watching him warily with a hint of worry turning the corners of his mouth down.
"Sure?"
"Of course Buck! I trust you, remember?" Bucky looked up at the ceiling, giving Steve the opportunity to study the profile of his face while he waited for Bucky to word his thoughts.
"Haven't had anyone this close in a long time." Bucky admitted softly.
"I know. It means a lot that you trust me this much Bucky." Steve nuzzled the scarring on Bucky's shoulder with his cheek gently, the gesture drawing Bucky's eyes back to Steve's.
"Who else if not you Stevie?"
Steve didn't know what to say to that. It was one of those precious moments that Steve tried to memorize, taking in every detail on Bucky's face, the sheepish, vulnerable twist to his lips, the way the moonlight danced in his blue eyes.
If only Steve could tell Bucky how beautiful he looked.
If only he could tell Bucky how much he loved him.
Alright so there you go! I really hope you enjoyed it! This chapter made my heart happy to write and yet it was kind of sad too.
Again, thank you guys so much for sticking with this ff up until now. I hope it's still interesting enough even after so many chapters! I'll have the next chapter finished for you guys next week! See you then!
