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"Come on in" Meredith reassured since Lexie froze in front of the entry door like she had seen a ghost.
It felt wrong. She shouldn't be there. Did she just abandon her father, for a sister who never wanted her? But she was tired, so tired. Her brain was full... or empty. She really couldn't say but the sensation was unbearable.
"Lexie" Meredith gently called one more time "You can't stay here".
Meredith placed her hands on Lexie's shoulders. She would have to lead the way, even though she had no idea what she was doing. Was her sister hurt? Did she need medical attention? She didn't dare to ask. Trust needed to be built, first.
"Just sit down" Meredith suggested, pointing out the couch.
Lexie wasn't listening though. She couldn't stand reality right now. It was too much to handle. Reality hurt. The fragile brunette simply stood in the middle of nowhere, even though she felt like her legs could give up any minute.
Meredith sighed. The little she thought she knew about her sister had melted down the second Lexie collapsed in that yard. Hopefully, she comprehended what it was like, to feel invaded, overwhelmed and finally crushed by every single thing. "Would you like to take a shower?" She tried instead.
Meredith's idea seemed good enough to bring Lexie's attention back. The two women finally exchanged a furtive eye contact. At least, Lexie could hear her, it was a start. "The bathroom's upstairs. I can show you?"
Lexie nodded. A shower would be nice. It would give her time to collect herself or as a minimum, time to be alone. A few weeks ago, she desperately needed someone, anyone. Not anymore. Everything felt different now.
"So here is a towel for you, and if you let the door unlocked I will bring something for you to wear for the night. You've found all you need?" Meredith waited a few seconds, just in case Lexie wanted to answer but it seemed like the brunette was lost in her thoughts again.
"All right, just call if you... need anything" Meredith softly squeezed Lexie's arm, offering an amiable smile.
It would be nice if water could just drown the sorrow. If it could just slip inside your soul and take away the shame. Lexie wondered how comforting it would be if water could just filter the anguish and replace it with brightness.
"You left her alone?" Derek asked incredulously.
"Yes Derek! She needed space, so I gave her some. " Maybe Lexie felt like family for less than two hour, but Meredith made it pretty clear that she would deal with her sister her own way.
"You don't remember how easily you let yourself sink into that bathtub, don't you?"
This wasn't about Meredith, and Lexie was nothing like her. "Anyway, how did it go with Thatcher?" The woman finally asked, ignoring Derek's comment.
"He's... settled" No details were needed. Lexie should be the one they worry about. "Mer, you need to ask her if she's injured. I mean, really."
Meredith knew all too well Derek's worried look. He wasn't just stating a possibility, he looked pretty convinced that Lexie was hurt. How could he be so sure, if he only spent a few minutes with Thatcher? This couldn't be good. Maybe Meredith should check on her after all.
Lexie had no idea for how long she had been seated against the closed door. She couldn't help but flinch when she heard the knocking.
"Are you okay in there?" Meredith gently asked, realising it's been forty minutes since her sister shut herself in.
Was she okay? The last few weeks, everything was moving so fast, and it was good in a way. She didn't have time to think, or feel. She just did what she had to. But now, her whole world stopped spinning. And there was nothing she could do to stop the wave of realization.
"Lexie, can you just let me know if you're good?"
The brunette stood up and rubbed her face. She took a deep breath before opening the door.
Meredith did her best not to look too worried. "Feeling a little better?"
Again, all Meredith got for an answer was an unconvinced nod.
"Derek is back. He's downstairs making dinner. You already know I am no chef!"
Lexie's chest tightened. She tried to take a breath but it turned into a painful gasp.
"All right, that's enough!" Meredith didn't mean to be bossy but she had to get through to Lexie. She took her sister's hand and gestured her to sit against the tub "I'm trying to help here, I really am. But I can't do it if you don't tell me what you need!"
Not a single word had escaped Lexie's mouth since they got home and she was now staring the carpet floor. Meredith knelt down in front of her. "Lexie, you need to talk to me!", she finally added in a pleading tone. "Just look at me!"
Looking at Meredith would mean let her enter inside her soul. She wouldn't do that. She needed no pity! She never wanted help, just acceptance. But now she didn't want anything anymore. If she hadn't been so exhausted, she would be really mad right now.
"You're angry at me, I deserve that. I can take it!" Somehow, Meredith read through her mind. "Right now, you have nowhere to go, and I happen to be here, I WANT to be here. So how about, you let me help, and then, when you do feel better, you'll have plenty of time to be mad at me? How's that? "
Lexie hesitated a few seconds before examining Meredith's eyes. She looked like she cared, like she really cared. Was it just too good to be true? She would never be able to get over another disillusion.
The young woman closed her eyes right in time before tears could inundate her sorrowful brown eyes.
Meredith grabbed Lexie's hands and held them securely.
"I just want to sleep" Lexie finally whispered in misery.
"Okay" Meredith reassured. "Let's get you some rest then!" Of course, she would prefer if Lexie would eat first but something bigger was happening here. Lexie was deciding to trust Meredith, and the elder sister would do her best not to disappoint.
Given that Meredith didn't have time to make a bed, she naturally guided her younger sibling in her own room. After she wrapped Lexie into the warmest cover she could find, she just took place next to her, leaning against the headboard. "I'm gonna stay until you fall asleep"
"You don't have to" Lexie mumbled, too tired to argue. She really couldn't remember the last time she felt confident enough to allow herself to rest.
"Lexie" There was one last thing Meredith needed to know before letting her sister repose calmly. She didn't want to ask because, she wasn't sure she could bear the answer. "Are you hurt?"
It was an infinite song with a monotonic rhythm. Every other second, when she tried to fill her lungs with air, her heart ached so much she could die, and then, just like that it faded, until the next time she tried to inhale.
"Only when I breathe" Lexie finally admitted before drifting off to sleep.
