Hey guys!
Since I'm going away for a few days, here's a new chapter. I wrote it quickly because you asked for an update, so I'm sure my english isn't at his best! Sorry for that! Yeah, I told you that Lexie would have to talk about Thatcher, but today I couldn't... It's kind of hard to write. I will, eventually.
Enjoy! :)
Lexie left the hospital one day ago. Physically, she was fine, except for the exhaustion. She'd been sleeping most of the time, and still she felt as if her soul couldn't find peace. She would never be the same as she once was. She didn't even remember how it was like, to look at the world with innocence.
"Please, don't" Lexie was crying in her sleep. It hadn't been the first time, that's why Meredith has been quick to react. She was always careful to let the bedroom's door open, and to keep her ears open, just in case.
"Lexie" Meredith gently shook her.
"No.. please, I'm so.. sorry"
"Lexie, wake up!" The elder sister had no choice but to shout a little louder. Fear is like a disease with no cure and Meredith couldn't stand to just contemplate her little sister's suffering.
With her trembling hands, Lexie grabbed the sheets she was wrapped in, and hid her head. Even if she was completely submerged, it was impossible to ignore how violently she was sobbing. The shame of fear is much worse than fear.
"It's ok. You're okay Lex. You're safe" Meredith reassured, while she rubbed her back in slow, soothing circles. "It's gonna be just fine"
After a while, Meredith uncovered Lexie's face, in order to avoid a full panic attack.
"Don't" Lexie pleaded, grabbing the soft material once again.
Meredith placed her hands upon Lexie's. "You know we're gonna have to talk eventually"
"Please.. just... not now..." Lexie stared crying once again.
Meredith let out a sympathetic sigh. "Okay", she whispered, "Not right now"
It was a little after 4am and maybe it wasn't the best time to push Lexie after all.
"Do you think you can go back to sleep?"
Lexie nodded "I'm sorry for.."
"Don't...!" Meredith couldn't hear one more apology for today. It felt like Lexie was almost sorry for just walking around the house. Meredith was about to leave the room when she had to be reassured as well. "Lexie? You're safe here, you know that, right?"
It took a while for Lexie to answer. She rolled her eyes as if there was a good answer to the question and if she concentrated hard enough, she'd find it. "It's not that" She finally admitted, staring at the wall.
"Than what is it?" Meredith made her way back near the bed and took place next to Lexie once again.
"Everything feels wrong"
"Okay" Meredith's voice was filled with compassion.
"It's nice of you to... but I never wanted that. I wanted you in my life so badly, but... not like this. I never wanted for you to know about my dad... Or you dad... well, about Thatcher." Lexie was rambling.
Meredith stared at the brunette who was now in a sitting position. Lexie had to know it wasn't just pity. If she wanted to gain the brunette's thrust, she had to open her heart as well. "I love you Lexie"
Lexie's eyes popped out from astonishment. "You what?!"
"I do" Meredith confirmed. It felt way more natural than she imagined it would be. "I'm probably not the sister you imagined and I'm not good at this. I don't know what you need, I don't know..."
"I love you too" Lexie whispered with shyness
"Do... you wanna tell me about these nightmares you've been having?"
Lexie's face darkened all of a sudden.
"I'm not sure I ever will."
"Can you tell me something, anything? Can you try?"
"Like what?"
"I don't know... How do you feel?"
"I feel... sorry" Lexie admitted, feeling her throat shrink
That word that bothered Meredith so much had a much more deeper meaning that what she initially thought. Lexie needed to tell what was on her mind, and Meredith wouldn't interrupt her...
"If I... If I could have just found a way to help him... If I... I could have stopped him.. and now I'm sorry for everything... For everything... What I did... What I didn't do... I'm sorry for letting him... hurting me.. and for.. for everything. There's no coming back from that... I can't... I don't know how to give up on him. And I don't know how to not give up on me." The tears were running freely on Lexie's burning cheeks and her heart felt like it might break from sorrow anytime.
Meredith didn't talk for a while, neither did she comfort Lexie. She just listened and tried to understand how it was like to see the world from Lexie's point of view.
"You were all that you father had left and he was all that you had. But his heart was filled with rage and yours wasn't. You decided to come up here to help him out, you gave up your life for him. YOU decided to make the most of a bad situation."
"But I failed"
"He failed you. That's not the same" Lexie finally lift her head.
"You don't have to feel ashamed for what happened to you."
"But I do" Lexie admitted with embarassment
"Well, we're going to have to work on that, then" Meredith affirmed.
"Do you think I can come back from that...? I mean... I don't thrust myself anymore"
"Well, I thrust you even when you don't thrust yourself. That's how little I know about being a sister."
"Thanks Mer. I'm sorry for.."
"No.. don't be sorry for being who you are. Not with me, nor with anyone."
