Hey everybody! I haven't uploaded in a very long time! I'm sorry. Sometimes, I want to write, but I don't have the time. Sometimes, I have the time, but I don't feel like I can write. My stories don't have a lot of actions, I'm sorry... I'm aware of the problem, I just like writing dialogues. Hope you don't mind! I'm not even sure you'll be reading!

Please let me know what you think, I like talking with you guys!


"It's quiet, I like it here!" Lexie insisted on establishing herself in the attic. Maybe, she still felt like a burden, or she just needed some time and space. It was hard to tell. The brunette offered a polite smile, while she began organising her effects.

That's all it was, a polite smile. When the heart smiles, the eyes can tell. But Lexie didn't even bother making eye contact with her sister.

"Are you sure?" Meredith was trying to keep the mood light, but the detached attitude made her sound like she didn't care.

It seemed like any of two cared.

"I'll let you settle in then" Meredith dropped the last box with Lexie's belongings and opened her mouth, as if she wanted to add something, but it was pointless. She didn't know what to say anyway.


Lexie was glad to be back to work, it kept her mind busy. But when the night fell, and she barricaded herself into the attic, it was another story. Insomnia had become her new best friend, and even though she was exhausted, she feared that moment when there was nothing more to do except to relax.

She just was just lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and waiting.

Waiting to feel better?

Waiting for the day, waiting for the storm, waiting for the anger to vanish, or for the sadness to win, she didn't know. But she was waiting, for something.

Anything.

"Lexie?" Meredith knocked.

"It's open"

"I saw the light on. Are you ok?"

There was no way Meredith could have seen the light from downstairs.

"Yeah, sure. I'm fine. Why... Why do you ask?" Lexie rambled.

Meredith studied her sister's poker face for a few seconds, and then made herself comfortable in the bed, right in front of the brunette, like she knew exactly how to play this.

"Mer what are you doing?" Lexie asked, slightly uncomfortable.

"It's 3 AM" Meredith pointed out matter-of-factly.

"Thanks?" Lexie tried, but except for the defiant glance Meredith gave her, the strategy of avoidance didn't work.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" The elder asked.

"Why aren't YOU sleeping?" The contrast between Meredith's casual tone and Lexie's increasing nervousness was more and more obvious and unintentionally funny.

"I'm jet lagged" Meredith seriously answered. "Surgeon's jet lag is a thing!" She added, as a crucial complement of information.

"I lost track of time, sorry if..."

Meredith's snigger said it all. "Cut the crap Lex!" The elder sister comfortably stretched out in the bed, a clear indication that she wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon. To be honest, she'd been checking outside the attic's door for the past few nights, trying to figure out what to say, or how to act. She did want Lexie to know she cared, but she didn't want her to know she worried. "Wanna talk?"

"Not really" The brunette sighed. It felt like the air was too thick for her to breathe with no effort. She had become so used to it, that she didn't remember a simpler way to function.

"We're surgeons. When there's an emergency, we don't feel... we react." Meredith didn't try to make Lexie look at her, neither did she change tone. It didn't have to be an important heart to heart conversation. She would just put her thoughts out there letting the brunette free to decide what to take.

"That's only when we're done that we realise what just happened"

"Yeah, and we can decide to feel good about what we did. Because, we try to do good... so... we should feel good" Lexie was aware of the theory. That's why talking didn't help. She knew how she was supposed to feel. It just didn't match the reality. That's why it was hard to breathe. Because, everything was all right now. She should be fine. But she wasn't. She was grateful for her sister's interest though. It was nice to see her try, but it didn't matter, not really. Things had lost their meanings.

"You don't get to decide how you feel. Optimism is bullshit!" Meredith interrupted Lexie's nonsense. "You don't have to feel bad because you can't feel good!"

Meredith's compelling logic struck a cord with Lexie's heart. It felt warm, as if, the sun could still rise after all. But was it too good to be true?

" I don't?" Lexie asked on the verge of tears. She now stared at Meredith, because, she had to find some assurance. The only fact that she was fishing for hope inside Meredith's speech was pretty representative of the level of despair she was in.

Meredith let her sister observe her for a few seconds. She was calm and confident at the same time. "You either feel good, or you don't. It's okay either way. Just accept things as they are, not as you want them to be."

"So what you're saying, is... Never mind!" Instead of hope, she found confusion. Did it mean, there was nothing she could do? Was that all her sister had to say?

"We can't choose what we feel. We get to decide what we DO with what we feel. That's the real power. Keep in simple. Don't lie to yourself. You can lie to others though... It's easier!" Meredith's sarcasm wasn't just a defence reaction, but an absolute way of life!

"I can't sleep" Lexie admitted, sitting back against her pillow.

"I know"

"What my dad did, that wasn't right." Lexie shyly began, making sure Meredith didn't mind. "I'm not... like scared or anything... but...I think about it"

"Do you need to talk about it, Lexie? Because, I can listen. You know I can!" Meredith seriously declared.

Trusting Meredith still required a leap of faith, but in that matter, Lexie had no doubt that she was being sincere. Meredith could take anything, or so it seemed.

"Thank you.. but I just... don't need to talk about him. Not really. I wouldn't know what to say! "

"Well, try it my way then... What you're feeling, right now?"

Lexie shrugged. "I'm fine.."

"Fine's not a feeling"

"I'm..." Here it was again, the air was too thick and it filled her lungs with anxiety. She remained silent for a moment, trying to feel, without letting the bad wibe win. It was obvious that she was struggling.

"Lexie" Meredith gently called, to remind her she was safe.

"I'm angry" Lexie whispered through clenched teeth.

"And what you're gonna do about it? Wanna punch the wall?" Meredith challenged

"What?! No!" Lexie answered with aversion, but there was something she could do to relieve the pressure.

"Than what?! You're angry, what can you do about it, seriously?"

Lexie jumped out of bed, looking for something very specific.

"Found'em!" Lexie grabbed her blue trainers at the bottom of a sport bag. "I'm gonna go for a run!"

"What? I said SERIOUSLY! Are you insane?! Of course you are!" Lexie most certainly wasn't her sister at this moment.

"Or else I have tequila?" Meredith suggested but Lexie didn't even listen at this point.


She was running through the darkness. A step for each time she pretended to be fine, for each day she felt she had no choice, for each bruise she didn't deserve. She ran, until she couldn't anymore more. Then, in the middle of nowhere, she let out a wild scream, and burst into tears.

It felt good.