Chapter 13: Determine
The clock was ticking and every step that he took felt limited. John was used to having a target on his back merely because of his name but that didn't mean he wasn't anxious about it. He knew that it was only a matter of time before things fell apart and that concerned him. It had been about nine hours since his fellow colleagues learned that Parker was undercover machine and he had been on edge all day long. He knew from experience that silence could be deadly but he continued walking on, knowing they had to be glaring at him from behind the entire time.
He didn't understand how they hadn't turned on him yet. If he had figured out there was an undercover machine he didn't know about, he would have flipped out and severed all connections. He wanted to trust his soldiers, he truly did, but he couldn't help but feel that they had to be planning something behind his back. And as he contemplated his fate, he couldn't help thinking about what Carol Pointe had said to him the first time they had met. Their introductions had been unsettling merely because she had been pointing a gun at a terrified 10 year old boy but her words had carried with him throughout the years.
Skynet doesn't like it when things change. I, however, like the idea of having another player in the game. It makes things... interesting.
There was no doubt that the woman had plans; he had remembered seeing the flicker of excitement behind her cold blue eyes. She had told him how and where to destroy the T-1000. It was the exact opposite of anything he expected but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that was the point of it. For all he knew at the time, he thought she had to have been acting against Skynet but he wasn't so sure about that now. She had the opportunity to shoot him right there and end everything once for all but she didn't. Just a squeeze of the trigger and he would have been dead; the war would have been over.
But she didn't and nine years later it still frustrated him. If she had done it, his mother wouldn't have been able to keep fighting. He admired his mother's acting abilities but he knew that he was her only tether to sanity at the time. Over time she had gotten more stable but they needed each other. He wasn't even sure if he could continue to survive and fight if he lost her. His green eyes fell to his feet in thought for a moment as the scar on his chest just inches away from his heart began to burn. It was a constant mental ache; a harsh reminder of the fact that they were separated and he hadn't heard from her since the day he was stabbed.
Instinctively, his hand shot up to the chain around his neck, fingering his father's dog tags. John had been dying on the side of the road when Derek had abandoned him but he had given him the tags. He thought that it would help liberate him by having the only physical thing left from his father but it just seemed to weigh him down even more. Even though he was an adult, he still longed to meet his father but he wouldn't. He knew he wouldn't be able to bring himself to open that portal and thrust his father back into the war he had already died fighting. He felt he owed it to Kyle Reese for everything he had already done. He doubted the man was peaceful but hopefully he would be someday.
He heard Catherine Weaver's Scottish accent ring in his ears but didn't register her words. He was too lost in his own thoughts to understand. Catherine had taken him away from his mother and yet, he didn't fight her. He didn't resist. He never tried to escape. She hid him and gave him shelter while he healed then began to train him to lead the Resistance. He had always thought his mother was in charge but he was learning new things everyday along with his soldiers.
Carol had told him when he was 10 that she wasn't going to kill him because she wanted to fight him. She wanted to see what he would do simply because he had never existed before. Carol had let him live this long but he knew that time was running out. The target on his head had only grown larger with the prize doubling every second.
"John!"
The young leader snapped his head up to see Parker walking next to him, looking over worriedly.
"Catherine's trying to talk to you."
John covered up his exasperated sigh by licking his lips.
"I know."
Parker's green eyes softened as she brushed some of her light brown hair out of her face but he couldn't bring himself to look at her. Now he was angry with himself. How had he let himself get so lost in his thoughts again? They were thoughts that he had had a million times yet they still pushed down on him. The only looks he had been getting from Parker Young so far were looks of pity and the annoyance dug under his skin like a tick. For once, he just wanted to appear to be in control of something. He quickened his pace to give himself some distance from the half-machine and grunted.
"Yes, Catherine?"
"Your soldiers are anxious."
"I don't blame them. We might as well be raising a flag that says, 'Catch me if you can, metalheads.'."
"I do not appreciate your sarcasm."
John stifled an agitated laugh despite the fact that it was all he wanted to do at the moment. Laugh. It was something he hadn't done in a long time. He was so exhausted he hardly cared if he sat down and let it loose. His soldiers would think he had lost his mind but he was convinced he had already lost pieces of it.
"You need to talk to them."
He glanced over his shoulder to see the four of them walking in a line with their guns drawn, talking about something while Parker trailed a few feet behind him.
"Roger that."
He lifted his hand to turn the comm off for a while so he could think some more but something stopped him. A voice; a familiar one. One that he had dreamed of hearing again.
"John."
The clock stopped and froze John in his place. It couldn't be. He could see his mother's face so vividly in his head, imagining her saying his name. It just couldn't be her. Catherine had to be messing with him. Chills ripped down his spine at the thought of the machine doing such a thing and he shook his head in defiance, speaking harshly through gritted teeth.
"This better not be a damn trick, Catherine. I'm not in the mood."
Silence.
Cold, dead silence.
John's heart sank as betrayal settled in, taking hope's place. In anger, he ripped the comm out of his ear and tossed it on the sand, knowing Parker would see it and pick it up. Tears blurred in his eyes as he started walking again, more determined now. How could she do that to him? She knew how much he missed his mother and yet she continued to rub it in. He suddenly wished he would have tried to escape; maybe then he would be with his mother now instead of wondering where the hell she could have gone or if she was even alive.
He didn't know how she would have reacted when she learned he was gone. Fear swarmed all of his thoughts as he tried to think of every possibility. He knew his mother well enough to know that she was a loose cannon. He could wonder all he wanted and never figure out what she might have done. She could have exploded and killed Derek for leaving him to the FBI. She could have run and tried to find him, leaving the fate of the Human Resistance and the world in someone else's hands. She could have gone straight to Carol thinking Skynet had him and begged her to kill her. Or she could have killed herself.
Water wet his cheeks, rolling down his chin at the mere thought of losing her. He would give anything to have her scream at him in anger right now or hit him. He didn't care. He just wanted to really hear or see her. But until she was standing there in front of him answering a question only she would know, he wasn't going to believe a word that came out Catherine's metal mouth. Screw JOHN HENRY and Parker. He had to find some way to take charge again and it started by doing the one thing she wouldn't expect him to do.
John stopped in his tracks for the second time that day and pulled his pistol from the back of his pants, cocking it quickly. He made sure his grip was tight and drew in a deep breath to prepare. Determined, he turned and pulled the trigger, blinking the last tears out of his eyes. The gun shot somehow rang in the open air and his hands felt numb from the draw back. His heart elevated as he pushed past the smell of gunpowder watching the half-human, half-machine trailing behind him fall to the ground.
