All or Nothing

Chapter Five

…..

To the people who reviewed the previous chapters, thank you so much. I have limited time to write these days but knowing someone's looking forward to the next chapter helps me make that time.

Note: I'm taking some liberties with animal and husbandry training here, but in a world of magical rock people and spectre guides, I think it's safe to say the normal rules don't apply as much.

Also, a point of headcanon for me as a person who is from a Gaelic country and familiar with its history, the rules that Queen Elinor pushed on Merida in the film bore more of a resemblance to French gentry than Gaelic. Gaelic history has a far-reaching background of fierce female warriors and most women were expected to be able to defend their homes in the absence of their menfolk. Hence I think Elinor was from a French proxy and raised in a French court, and actually pretty ignorant of the reasons why Fergus would have taught Merida to wield her own weapons.

…..

The allowance Merida had been given for her services to the crown was a generous one, usually given to widows and the adult children of men lost in military service. It wasn't unusual for a woman to give in to a little of the madness (and perhaps grief) and spend the first allowance wildly on gowns, jewellery and expensive gifts for their friends.

Merida did buy some clothes, but Elsa recognized Anna's hand in that; they were from Anna's favourite dressmaker and tailored to Anna's tastes. Left to it, Merida wouldn't have thought of it at all and carried on wearing the hand-me-downs she'd been given since her arrival. For a long time, the money assigned to her remained in the royal coffers, untouched.

When she finally did buy something of her own accord, Elsa was deeply exasperated by it. A longbow and several arrows. Elsa only found out because she found her on the shooting range with Anna, teaching her to aim.

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to get me in trouble with my council," she said in Angolsi as she approached them. She wished it hadn't come off quite as scolding as it did, because both Anna and Merida frowned.

"I beg your pardon, your highness," Merida retorted. "But if I don't keep up my practice, I'll be no good for my return home."

"Come on, Elsa!" Anna wheedled, in Dellian. "She's really good! And who knows when it'll come in handy?"

"Arendellian women, particularly of the noble classes, are not expected to know how to handle weaponry. We are a peaceful nation," Elsa addressed Merida, ignoring Anna's contribution.

"Gaelic women are taught to be prepared for everything," Merida responded. "I'll peace-bond the arrows if it please you, your highness."

Peace-bonding meant little at the speed an arrow was generally shot at, but she appreciated the gesture and left it at that.

The second purchase she could not ignore so readily. A caged falcon, bought from an Eastern merchant and bred to carry messages. She also bought a small aviary to keep it in the towers and started training it straight away over distances.

"She won't be ready to carry a message for at least two months, and I wouldn't send her out in winter," Merida explained when Elsa brought it up with her. "And I'm training her to respond only to Gaelic."

"That's not the point," Elsa said, irritably. "I'm trying to convince my council that you're not a spy. You're not making it easy."

"I'm doing all of this right under your nose, surely that'd make me a rubbish spy?" She was holding the bird on her arm as they spoke, feeding it bloody chunks of raw meat.

"You'd be sending messages in a language we can't understand. There's not a scholar in this country or any of our neighbours who has even a passing understanding of Gaelic," Elsa told her, trying to keep the stern tone out of her voice. The last thing she needed was Merida getting defensive.

"I'd translate the messages for you, but you couldn't know if I was being truthful." She shrugged, helplessly. "I don't know what to do to satisfy you. I can't go home without knowing if I'm going to step right into my enemy's hands. And I need to find out where my brothers are. It's been three months, anything could have happened and I have no idea."

Merida was doing her best not to look forlorn, but her eyes held such pain Elsa had to look away.

"I could translate the messages myself, I have a way, if you would give them to me after you've written them," she suggested. "I need you to give me a strand of hair.

Merida's eyes narrowed.

"You've asked me for that before," she asked. "What do you do with the hair?"

Elsa swallowed. How much should she really say? Even the advisors knew little about the book's capabilities….

….but then, she was asking to look directly into Merida's mind. She had a right to know.

"I have a book, gifted to me by powerful friends to help me rule this kingdom," she said. " With a strand of hair, or a drop of blood, I can see inside a person's mind and live their experiences as they did. That is how I validated your account of your escape to this country."

Aside from turning very pale, Merida took the explanation well.

"That's…." she began shakily, searching her mind for the words she wanted in Angolsi. "That's blood magic. Isn't it?"

"I suppose it is," Elsa responded.

"Are you a bandraoi, then?"

"I don't know that word."

"A magic woman. I don't know the Angolsi for it."

"Yes. I suppose you could call me that."

Elsa wondered if she should reveal her ice powers at this time, since they'd gone undetected by Merida as far as she knew, and with this talk of magic when would be a better time? But in the end she decided against it. Merida gave her the hair, and Elsa took it without another word. When she wrote her first letter to her homeland, Elsa translated it and found it utterly benign.

But once she got to the part of the letter where Merida begged for news of her brothers, whether they were alive or dead, and who was looking after them, she pulled herself out of the book before she could finish and spent the rest of the evening burying herself in work, trying to forget the desperation she felt as keenly as though it came from her own heart.

…..

The nights got darker and colder, and since the bird (Lua, she had named her) had been sent on her first oceanbound journey, Merida kept odd hours. Most nights would find her in the tower looking out at the horizon, waiting for Lua's return. Elsa would see her, a flash of crimson at the periphery of her vision, through the window of her office. Lua returned three times, with only the letter she'd been sent with.

She had taken to sitting on the ledge of the tower window with her legs dangling over the side, which tugged on the protective part of Elsa's mind until one night she couldn't stand it and marched up to the tower to tell Merida to stop it.

"I don't care how good your grip is," Elsa said when Merida argued. "Bring up a chair if your legs are tired. One stiff breeze will turn you into a red stain on the courtyard."

"Half the time I don't know I'm doing it, it just happens," Merida admitted, sheepishly. "But I'll try to stop."

"Please do," said Elsa. "If we do have to scrape you off the courtyard, it'll be taken out of your allowance."

That got a rare laugh from Merida, and Elsa felt strangely proud.

But not three nights later, just past the midnight hour, Elsa was finishing up some documents when she caught the flash of red out of the corner of her eye and turned to see that she was sitting on the ledge again.

"Oh, for goodness' sake…" she grumbled, sweeping out of the room and up the tower steps.

By the time she bustled into the tower Merida had gotten down and was standing in the tower with the returned falcon, but Elsa's anger hadn't abated one little bit.

"I have asked you…" she began sternly, but stopped when it became apparent that Merida wasn't listening to her, because the letter she was unwrapping from the falcon's leg was written on hide rather than parchment, and had an interwoven seal on it.

"This is Lord Dingwall's seal," Merida said breathlessly. Elsa wasn't sure if Merida even knew she was in the room with her. Her hands were shaking as she cracked open the seal and scanned the letter.

"Well?" Elsa piped up after a long stretch of silence. "Is it good news?"

"It's great news," Merida said. Elsa wanted to remind her to breathe. All of a sudden she let out a joyful shout.

"It's the best news!" she cried. "The boys are on Cava! It's Dingwall's territory, he's got them squirreled away safe!"

"Ah. Well, that's excellent…."

"Cava's almost impossible to get to unless you know the area well," Merida continued, pacing around the room as if she didn't know what to do with herself. "They couldn't be in a better place. Maudie's there with them, she says they got away without a scratch."

It was like a great weight had been lifted off of her. Elsa watched Merida's whole demeanour change from a sullen, sombre young woman into a whirl of energy. Her smile was so wide Elsa couldn't help smiling too.

"Thank the Gods," she whispered, lifting her face to the night sky.

In her enthusiasm, she'd forgotten to reward Lua with food, and the falcon was starting to keen mournfully. Elsa gingerly took some meat from the covered bucket and fed her.

"That is wonderful news, I'm glad for you," Elsa said warmly, supressing a shiver as the falcon gulped down the meat. "You must have been worried…"

Elsa turned back around to find that Merida had gone still as stone, with a hand clamped over her mouth and tears streaming down her face. The letter was clenched in her hand as if she was afraid it would be snatched away from her. Elsa realized then just how worried she had been for her brothers. So worried she'd been living as a person almost dead inside. The letter had brought her back into full, screaming life and the floodgates had been opened.

Barely aware of what she was doing, and regardless of the fact that she'd hugged just three people in her life and only one of those recently, Elsa closed the distance between them and drew Merida into her arms, pressed against her heart. Merida shook and sobbed there for what seemed like an eternity while Elsa stroked her hair and held her, awkwardly hoping it would be over soon. But Merida had supressed her grief and worry for so long and it was finally making its way out of her, and Elsa was glad to hold her while she sorrowed.

Finally, Merida sniffed, wiped her eyes and pulled away.

"Sorry," she said, gesturing at the front of Elsa's bodice. "I got….stuff all over your dress."

"I'm the queen. I can afford a new dress," Elsa chuckled.

"Or you can take it out of my allowance," Merida laughed shakily.

For all that the tears soaking the front of her dress were turning cold in the chilly night air, Elsa felt a warmth spread through her as the princess smiled at her and she smiled back.

…..

After the letter and the outburst that followed, Merida was like a different person entirely. She spent less time on her own in her chambers or the towers and actively sought out Anna to spend time with. She laughed, loudly and often. She explored the kingdom and spent hours at the marketplace talking to the merchants who understood Angolsi, to the point that they asked about her if they hadn't seen her for a while.

She asked Elsa to recommend a tutor so she could speak Dellian, and Elsa obliged with the man who had taught Anna and herself growing up. When they'd met and Merida claimed that her Angolsi wasn't good, Elsa had dismissed it as a princesses' breed of humility and she was right to do so; Merida's Angolsi was almost fluent, and the tutor proved she had a good ear for Dellian too. While she couldn't quite grasp the grammar right away, she was able to read it well within a few weeks. It made communicating with Anna far easier, and Anna thankfully gave up the Angolsi she was so awful at.

The last of the summer heat was finally fading into memory, and Anna and Merida spent more time outdoors enjoying what was left of the sunshine while Elsa finished up her documents. She was looking forward to the late autumn and winter months; they brought a well-earned rest from paperwork and diplomacy.

Anna knocked on her door one night, looking worried. Elsa worried too when she saw her; very little rattled her blithe sister.

"Are you all right?" Elsa asked her.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Anna replied, biting her lip and glancing around. "It's just…."

"What? What's wrong?"

"Can we talk girl talk for a while? I don't know who else to ask."

"Girl talk? I don't understand…." Elsa said, confused. "Of course, I'm a girl so…"

"When did you stop growing?" Anna blurted out.

" Excuse me?"

"You know…." Anna cupped her hands in the space around her bodice. "Growing."

"I….what? Why would you…."

"Like, I know you're only two years older but is there still time for me to get bigger?"

Elsa held up her hands to stop her talking, but Anna kept on regardless.

"I don't remember that much but I don't think you were much smaller when you were my age, but that means you did grow a bit and we're pretty much the same size now so if mine do get bigger I'll be bigger than you…"

"Anna. Stop."

Anna quieted down and smiled sheepishly at Elsa, clutching at her skirt.

"Where did this come from? Why are you worried about….that… now?" Elsa asked.

"Well, Merida and I went to the lake today, we went swimming 'cos it's probably the last swim we can get before next spring," Anna explained. "And I guess I never noticed before because the only girl I used to be around was you and the maids, but while we were swimming I got a good look and she's like out to here!"

Elsa very much doubted that Merida's bosom was quite the size Anna was describing with her hands stretched out in front of her, but to think on it further was to think about Merida's bosom and compare it to other bosoms Elsa was familiar with, and that was something she really didn't want to do at that moment. She rubbed her forehead and groaned quietly.

"I know, right? It's not fair, she's not even eighteen yet!"

And Elsa groaned again, because that was a little nugget of information that she hadn't known before, and it made things even more complicated.

"Anna," she began. "You will get nowhere comparing yourself to other girls. You are beautiful, and you will stay beautiful whether your bosom grows or not."

"You have to say that, you're my sister!"

"Yes. I'm your sister. As your sister, I can confirm we come from good stock. Mother was considered one of the most beautiful women across the five Delles. I'm happy to say you take after her."

Anna smiled, mollified.

"But mother wasn't that big either, as I recall," she said after a moment.

"No, she wasn't," Elsa retorted. "And she still managed to marry, have two children and carry on living a normal life. It didn't hinder her in the slightest."

"Fine, fine," Anna whined. "I'm worried about nothing. I can't help it, I have no frame of reference! Merida's my first girl-friend, and we barely talk! It's still really weird to me."

Elsa bristled a little internally at being dismissed as her sister's friend, but she stifled it. It wasn't her fault they didn't grow up with a sense of togetherness, nor Anna's.

With a few more assurances, she shooed Anna from her office and turned back to her paperwork. But she found herself quite incapable of banishing the thought of bosoms from her head entirely, and called down to the kitchen for a decanter of wine.

…..

The first snows began to fall and the merchants packed up their stalls to travel to warmer climes, and Elsa was finally able to stay out of her office for several hours a day. She was still beholden to her queenly duties, but they now involved talking to her townspeople, hosting festivals and seeing to the winter stores.

Merida didn't send the falcon on any journeys while the snow was thick, but still kept up her training. She showed Elsa once how Lua could be taught to track a person or an animal with different click signals.

"In a pinch, you can get them to fetch you a rabbit," she explained. It baffled Elsa, because in Arendelle the food had always been provided for her and she'd never be expected to fetch her own. Arendellian gentry didn't even hunt, as a rule.

One night, she found herself back in her office again late at night. One of the border kingdoms had reaped a bad harvest and were looking to trade furs for grain, but were offering a poor price. Elsa was tasked with drafting a letter that asked for a better price but didn't insult their neighbour. It was difficult, and it was keeping her up late.

A maid brought her supper to her desk, and she picked at it. One of the valets brought a pot of coffee to her unbidden, and she barely noticed. Indeed her attention wasn't taken from the letter until she caught sight of the flash of red at the border of her vision and realized that Merida was up late too, seeing to her falcon. She smiled at the thought of the princess sleepily feeding Lua bloody chunks of meat; it was a task she could easily have given to a servant while the snow rendered Lua housebound, but Merida preferred to do it herself.

When the coffee had been half-drunk, she felt a tingle in her fingers and thought her circulation was off from sitting for so long.

When the coffee was three-quarters drunk, she felt sluggish and confused, and dismissed it as a lack of sleep. She waited for the caffeine to kick in and drank more when it didn't.

It wasn't until she finished the coffee and realized she couldn't stand up, and was losing the feeling in her hands and arms, and the numbness was making its way up her neck, that she knew she was in danger.

She tried to get out of her chair, was going to bang on the window to alert Merida, the only person she knew was awake at that time, but she flopped onto the ground with a loud crash.

"Your highness? Is everything okay?" a voice called from outside.

Thank goodness she thought.

But when the door opened, it was the valet who had given her the coffee. He didn't seem surprised to see her sprawled on the floor, and when he pulled in a wheeled tray covered with cloth she knew she was in trouble. She tried to call for help, but her throat was closed to all but air. She could do nothing but blink and breathe.

The valet wrapped her in an old cloak and shoved her onto the bottom of the tray, covered her with the cloth and wheeled her quickly out of the office, out of the hall and into the night air.